DH never ever wants sex

[Bluepinkrex]

Looking for advice/shoulder to cry on really. Been married for 20 years, still love my DH dearly. But we haven’t had sex for over a year and before that it was on the decline for about 2 years. He’s just not interested. First I thought it was just a dry spell and it would pass. But the months have gone by and even small things like kisses, holding hands, hugs etc have diminished too. If I even make a joke about something related to sex he rolls his eyes and tells me ‘you’re insatiable. Is that all you think about?’
We both work hard for a living and we have three kids so I’m not expecting that we should be at it like newlyweds but I feel like it will never happen again. It’s breaking my heart and I’ve not got anyone to talk to about this.
I’m not ready to give up sex forever in my 40s, but he seems quite content. Is this typical? I guess I’ve always thought that the male libido carried on as normal and that it would be me packing away my desires first. He won’t really talk about it to me either. It’s just taken as read that I shouldn’t ask for sex or initiate it as I will be turned down or he will say things like ‘well if that’s what you need then you better get on Tinder’
It makes me feel like I’m some sort of crazy nymphomaniac. And totally undesirable at that. I don’t feel loved or cherished. I’m quite a tactile person and I need physical connection but I’m seeming needy if I ask my husband for a kiss or a hug.
So we are going about, like roommates and I don’t know what to do about it. All of my female married friends talk about their husbands wanting sex more than they do and how they manage that. I just smile and nod and say nothing because how can I admit that I haven’t had sex since last summer and that my husband is no longer interested? It’s making me cry just even typing this.

OP I feel for you as I have been there and it's soul destroying. In the end I had to leave because sex (and everything that comes with it - desire, intimacy, closeness, physical release etc etc) was too important to me to just push to one side.

I think he’s set his stall out, as in ‘I’m done with sex - you can either deal with that or you can’t’. And if I can’t then I’m the one ending the relationship.

So what? You are allowed to end a relationship for any reason you want!!!

Please don't diminish wanting sex as something unimportant or let your DH play it down or make you feel like some sort of sex pest (his comments about Tinder and being insatiable are just cruel and pathetic tbh).

Having and wanting to have sex is one of the most normal things in the world - it's how we're all here!!! There is nothing at all wrong with wanting it, nothing wrong with being sexually aroused or wanting to be desired, and absolutely nothing wrong with being upset that the person you love doesn't want the same. Especially when they once did.

I am a man and have no interest in sex whatsoever anymore. I never feel horny and it wouldn’t bother me if I never had sex again.

My wife was you in our situation so I said to her that she either accepts it, leaves or finds a lover.

She hasn’t done so far as far as I know. I think she thinks I will suddenly revert back but I know that I won’t.

I’m sure it is a tricky situation but what can I do? I have seen the Doctor, had tests, had counselling etc. I just don’t feel like it and have never been that hugely into it either. Even in my twenties once a month was enough for me.

@Bluepinkrex how was it for both of you when you last had sex? Did he have performance issues that hampered it all? My heart goes out to you, you sound bereft.

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe the last time we tried was when he tried viagra (I didn’t know this until afterwards). However it didn’t have any effect on him. I think maybe he thought at that point ‘well if that doesn’t work, it’s time to retire’

He's telling you that sex won't be happening with him anymore, but if you wish you should go on tinder and find a lover. He probably doesn't want to know any details about that.

So you can decide if you're ok with that or wish to end your marriage.

ED is one of the cruelest things. It can wreck a relationship from what I have read and understood from posters accounts on MN.

The fact that he used viagra but he didn’t communicate it to you shows a deep embarrassment. It looks like he is trying to bury the problem and this isn’t fair on you. I can relate to what you’ve said about not feeling loved as I need hugs, physical touch, hugs, kisses and sex to feel wanted in my relationship. Sex is fun but it’s also a way to build trust and feel secure.

I think you should talk to him as I don’t think it’s fair you continue like this. You’ve had a big cry today which in a way was probably needed to help you deal with your feelings. Perhaps you could say to him as a starter, I really miss you hugging me, could we start to do that a little more instead of asking why he’s stopped. And perhaps seeing how that goes address that you are not having sex anymore. I don’t think there is a subtle way to discuss this and if he tries to shut you down please persist and make him understand that you need this in your relationship and are happy to support him with the ED if he is happy to try and get things back on track. Even with Ed, he could still give you pleasure in other ways if he was concerned about you feeling sexually abandoned.

I Am in my late 40’s and could not imagine a sexless life at this age and I don’t think you should either. I understand that you love / are in love with your DH but his willingness to work on the situation or if he doesn’t will show in a way how much he loves you. You cannot fix this alone, he needs to get over the embarrassment to see the most important issue which is that your marriage cannot continue in this sexless way.

I hope you are ok op, you sound so upset and I really hope you continue to get support and advice from this thread. Don’t feel pressured by advice and do things in your own time.

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe thank you for your kind words. I was very low yesterday. I think maybe it was reflecting on how being away on holiday hadn’t changed anything between us and me realising how bad things have become.

Yes I can see how a holiday would polarise things esp if you see other couples that seem so tactile and relaxed with each other. Try and enjoy the holiday but when you are back try and take some steps to get to the bottom of this issue. Has you DH noticed you upset at all? I get it’s not just the sex you are craving but the closeness with him.

@Bluepinkrex Im sorry you’re going through this. It’s really hard… I’m a M in the exact same position. No real advice I can give but I feel your pain. The rejection really hurts

@HuskerD Here lemme give you a cheeky kiss to make you feel a bit better 😘

Jokes aside, it's incredibly lonely when you try and initiate something and then you get rejected by your DH or DW. At times it feels like it's better not to initiate things at all because at least you don't get rejected.

I love physical touch and it's pretty important to be compatible with a man in that area for me.

Be careful @saffronguilds … it’s been that long I might get over excited (but thanks)

@HuskerD In that case here's another one 😘

Could have written your post a few years back OP. It got to 3 1/2 years without sex or intimacy (although he had towards the end been making an effort to give me more cuddles), and after several conversations about how this was not how I wanted to live, I did finally end it. He would have carried on - he said he just felt like he wasn't bothered about sex any more. To be fair to him, he wasn't giving me any false hope that things might one day improve. I felt awful though, I became ashamed and embarrassed, couldn't tell my friends what was going on. Cried myself to sleep so many times.

After we split I realised how much else I'd gradually lost from my life to try to make him happy. I honestly don't regret the split, slightly regret not doing it sooner but I hung in there until I really couldn't do it any more (started looking on dating apps which kind of woke me up to the insane compartmentalising I was doing). Had sex with someone else within a week. Now in a relationship where we are open and communicate and it is marvellous.

Be still my beating heart! 😘

I keep saying this but this needs to be spoken about more and more well known. We are taught men are always and forever dogs on heat but it's not true, I hear of so many men who don't want it anymore and it's the woman struggling.

@BarraNayk Exactly. I imagine women taking it so personally
But the reality is they can lose testosterone, ED, stress, were never that into it in the first place, too tired, have other things they deem more interesting to do, underlying health issues etc etc
Similar to women.

@Bluepinkrex just wanted to check in and see how it’s going?

I think he might have anxiety. Could you tell him that you just want a night of intimacy, but penetrative sex is completely off the table? Maybe massage etc? Might take the pressure off?

This is exactly my situation. I’m gearing up for the talk, at which we’ve tried and failed to address so many times. Suspect I’m in denial that it can be fixed but divorce with three kids likely painful and certainly expensive - not sure how I’d afford to live. Vibrators only bring so much joy. Feeling undesired yet in a long term relationship is so lonely.

could he be gay?