DH never ever wants sex

[Bluepinkrex]

Looking for advice/shoulder to cry on really. Been married for 20 years, still love my DH dearly. But we haven’t had sex for over a year and before that it was on the decline for about 2 years. He’s just not interested. First I thought it was just a dry spell and it would pass. But the months have gone by and even small things like kisses, holding hands, hugs etc have diminished too. If I even make a joke about something related to sex he rolls his eyes and tells me ‘you’re insatiable. Is that all you think about?’
We both work hard for a living and we have three kids so I’m not expecting that we should be at it like newlyweds but I feel like it will never happen again. It’s breaking my heart and I’ve not got anyone to talk to about this.
I’m not ready to give up sex forever in my 40s, but he seems quite content. Is this typical? I guess I’ve always thought that the male libido carried on as normal and that it would be me packing away my desires first. He won’t really talk about it to me either. It’s just taken as read that I shouldn’t ask for sex or initiate it as I will be turned down or he will say things like ‘well if that’s what you need then you better get on Tinder’
It makes me feel like I’m some sort of crazy nymphomaniac. And totally undesirable at that. I don’t feel loved or cherished. I’m quite a tactile person and I need physical connection but I’m seeming needy if I ask my husband for a kiss or a hug.
So we are going about, like roommates and I don’t know what to do about it. All of my female married friends talk about their husbands wanting sex more than they do and how they manage that. I just smile and nod and say nothing because how can I admit that I haven’t had sex since last summer and that my husband is no longer interested? It’s making me cry just even typing this.

Hey you 😀🦆

Err… that was my point actually.. you said desire does decrease for men as they age’ I’m saying that it doesn’t for all men

you could have said.. desire does decrease for some men as they age

@Fs365 we don’t cuddle in bed. He works shifts so he’s already asleep when I come to bed. Then gone in the morning when I wake up.

@Beth216 he’s definitely not having an affair.
When he’s on his phone he’s doing all the usual shite that people do - watching reels, fantasy football, news, reading about the Roman Empire etc etc

How would he react if you suggested neither of you being on your phones between certain times so you can get to know eachother again. It genuinely does help

I keep thinking about how on earth I start a conversation without it sounding accusatory. As in the subtext is ‘we never have sex and it’s your fault’ or ‘I have needs that you’re not meeting’ If there is any hint of that he will just say the usual ‘go on Tinder then’ or ‘sort yourself out’

I hope you don’t mind me asking but what is he like with your children? is he snappy with the children aswell?
what was he like a few years ago prior to this starting?
At the end of the day you are trying to save your marriage and there has to be compromise and I think it has to start with a conversation. Don’t mention sex but talk about spending time together and the need of being able to talk and just chatting to eachother without being on your phones.
If he’s a stubborn man it’s going to be hard, maybe try and get him to suggest ways to improve things and that will help as he will think it’s his idea and likely to be more open to it (I hope that makes sense)

Just say ‘we never have sex and it’s your fault!’

That’s the truth of it

start getting there and then keep going

why pretend that you aren’t unhappy, angry, frustrated? Why lie that you don’t blame him?

Be honest and fight your corner like hell, because you know he’ll start with the same tactics if trying to shame you in to stopping talking about it

speak from the heart and don’t let him distract you or deflect

when he tells you’re sex mad or whatever name it. Say ‘this is what you do when i bring this up, you say things to embarrass me and that’s not fair’

you need to call him out if his tactics that stop you talking about it and resolving it

then say your bit again. You need to push past his defence so he knows those tactics aren’t working

if you think he’s just going to sit there and listen without him trying his old tricks you’re mistaken.

If your marriage is worth fighting for you need to fight

there is no point in trying to word it nicely or word it non confrontationally if that means what you are saying lacks clarity or heft

it sounds like he is very matter of fact and blunt.

Don’t beat about the bush!!

I totally disagree with the ‘don’t talk about sex advice’

this is about sex. pretending it’s not is just being dishonest.

Name the issue then at least you’re talking about the issue

if the issue was not spending quality time together talk about that, if the issue is we don’t have sex, start there

He’s fine with the kids. He’s not snappy with me. He just shuts the conversation down. We’ve never been very good at sorting out issues. We mostly just ignore things, but this ignoring sex thing is now a real problem for me since it’s making me feel unwanted and unloved. He obviously doesn’t feel like that since he’s happy to carry on without physical contact. And I feel like I’m being needy and clingy if I say anything about it.

@BlackPanther75 ‘beat about the bush’ did make me laugh.

I also liked your football coach analogy type style. Maybe that’s what I have to do to get on his wavelength. But my question remains, why is he not bothered about solving the problem too?

I work with mainly men and sometimes their thinking is a total mystery to me. I have to step back and try to think like they do to understand where they are coming from. It’s hard to do. Even though they constantly tell me ‘we men are simple creatures’. You are not at all!

thank you.

i work with men too

But i think there is a huge difference between how you talk about issues if you’re talking to your husband or wife, or if you’re their therapist

nothing beats honest, direct conversations

That’s exactly what I put…..

desire does decrease as men age , but it also decrease differently for different men,

maybe your reading comprehension is not as strong as your sex drive ?

@BarraNayk thanks. Thing is, I’m soooooooo bored of solo sex. It’s been years and years of me and only me. He knows that. I think he’s happy that DIY means he doesn’t have to do anything for me. It’s got to the point now where mostly I don’t bother since it just reminds me that I’m unlikely to ever have sex again. And that’s depressing.
And like you I’m fearful of the regret I will feel when I get into my 50s and I look back and think ‘why wasn’t I having more sex when I was younger?’

@Bluepinkrex I feel your pain.
I went through exactly this sort of thing with my XW. We never discussed it either - it was just accepted.

I spent 10 years of a marriage without intimacy before I decided enough was enough.

I booked a weekend away (our kids were older teens, and could be left safely), so that there would be no distractions, and once we got settled in the room, just opened the discussion with "what's going on with our sex life?" I wouldn't let her ignore me, or deflect the conversation.

We both talked, and we both listened.

Yes it was hard - for both of us, and there were a lot of tears on both sides, but we were finally honest with each other about what was going on.

We did try again, we also tried couples counselling, but we never managed to re-kindle the intimacy that was missing.

We discussed an open marriage, and me having a "girlfriend", but the reality / actuality of these situations didn't really work for her, so in the end, we decided to split, and to be completely honest with you, despite being one of the hardest things I've ever done, I think it was the best for both of us.

She has her "spark" back - she is more like the person I married. As far as I know, she hasn't had a relationship since we split, which says a lot..

I'm still single - I've had a few years (interrupted by Covid!) of enjoying being single, re-discovering and exploring my sexuality, and have loved every minute of it!

I honestly think that, to save your sanity, you need to do something similar.

@AverageGuy im sorry your marriage ended but it sounds like it was the right thing for you.
I guess that’s what I’m avoiding since it must be an option to consider if we have that conversation. I think he’s set his stall out, as in ‘I’m done with sex - you can either deal with that or you can’t’. And if I can’t then I’m the one ending the relationship. No guilt on him. Just me and my carnal lust breaking up our family. It’s a lot to deal with. Thing is, I don’t want sex with anyone, I want sex with him. I’m such a twat.

Haha. 😂😂

it can increase and decrease with age

same with women

@Bluepinkrex NO! you are absolutely NOT a twat! This is NOT your fault!

I felt the same - I wanted intimacy (not just sex) with the one person in the whole world that it was supposed to be ok to be intimate with...

The fact that she didn't feel the same caused our split.

You won't know how he feels or what he wants until you ask him, and actually, if it did result in you splitting up, its due to him not caring about your feelings, and in no way due to "carnal lust"!

I'm sorry this is happening to you @Bluepinkrex. I've been in exactly the same situation as you. I bought some new toys for me to play with(perimenopausal surge!) and told my husband about them by messaging him from our bed and sent him a picture of the toy. He replied with 'feeling fruity are you?' when I answered with a yes he sent me this: 😆😆😆😆. He certainly didn't rush upstairs to join in. I was gutted.

I couldn't seem to talk to him about it out loud so ended up composing a long text message which took me a few days to put together. He didn't reply for a while but when he did he said he didn't want sex anymore and neither did I.
At that point I shut off from him completely. We lead separate lives in the same house. I get glorious, wonderful and loving sex elsewhere and we will divorce when the kids have left home.

This will eat away at you OP. You must find away to communicate with him how important that this is to you. I left it too long.

That’s why I say I’m a twat. I’m stupid for thinking that being married to someone you love means that they feel the same about you That one person in the whole world.
Anyway, I’ve spent the whole morning hiding in bed and crying so I need to get on with stuff before my children realise I’m not just being lazy.

@ImworriedaboutBrian Oh bloody hell. This is exactly what I think will happen. Why does no one talk about men going off sex? The narrative it always that it’s frigid menopausal women who kill it.

@Bluepinkrex Just because he isn't interested in intimacy doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

I loved my XW, and I'm sure she loved me, and we still care for each other. It's just that our libidos / intimacy needs weren't compatible, and I'm old fashioned enough to believe in not "playing away", so splitting up was realistically the only viable option.

And, I'm certain that if you look back through the historical posts on here that you will find several women in similar situations to you - you are definitely not alone!.