Anal sex **Content warning**

[Emeraldiisland]

Name change for this. I have never enjoyed anal sex. I find it really painful. DH has tried various things like using lots of lube and even butt plug.
About a year ago I said I wasn't doing it anymore. DH wasn't happy and has hinted a few times since but I always said no.
Last night he went out with his mates and was really pissed when he came home. He basically forced me to have anal sex. I started crying and begged him to stop. He did but not for a while.
I feel disgusting and dirty. He didn't want to talk about it today and told me to stop going on about it and it was partly my fault for always saying no to anal.
He's not speaking to me now. DH says most women love anal sex so I don't know if maybe I'm the problem.
We've had problems in the past but I thought we were in a good place now. Now I feel like he hates me.
There's no real point to this just to get it off my chest. Maybe if you do enjoy anal sex you can tell me how to make it less painful

Is there a thread where this could be discussed in a more sensitive environment? There have been some very supportive replies but the sexual position is irrelevant in the face of the situation that OP was in.

I mean section sorry, not thread.

I'm really sorry that you think it's not, but it really is rape. You said he basically forced you, and it must've been very, very obvious you weren't enjoying it. You've been very clear with him that you didn't want to do it, not only in the moment, but for a whole year before hand since you told him you wouldn't do it any more and repeatedly rejected his request. If you think it's not rape, go to the police and ask them. Better still, go a Women's Aid or similar.

There's only two reasons a man would do this - either he thinks so little of you that to him you're just a toy for his pleasure, or that he actually gets off on physically hurting you. He certainly doesn't love you. No one does this to someone they love.

He might appear to be a decent man at other times, but that's just a mask. Sexually, and after a few drinks he's a monster. And I wouldn't trust him with a child either, the violence is likely to spill out into other parts of his life.

My experience is that most women do not love anal sex, very few do and the rest hate it. I expect the only reason your husband does is because he's sexually assaulted previous partners in the same way. There is nothing wrong with you, and you shouldn't be considering allowing it to continue against your will, even if you do discover a way to make it less painful.

Stop making excuses for him, you said no so this is rape it is as clear as day

It is rape OP, definitely. I'm sorry he did that to you

I personally don't know any woman who would even entertain being asked to have anal sex, much less being forced into it. Porn has much to answer for in normalising this and men's attitudes toward what they think they're entitled to.

If you stay with him you will always be wondering what he might demand of you next. He will think of other ways to humiliate you. They always do.

He seems so angry with me still. He only spoke to me this morning to ask me to pick something up for him. Other than that the only communication has been by text. I text him to ask what the problem was and got the reply what do you think. I never thought he'd be this angry over me asking him to stop.

you need to find your anger - he raped you.

stop and / or no means no.

he raped you.

find your anger and inform him he raped you

he knows he raped you. he knows you should be contacting the police

Enthusiastic, uncoerced consent is ALWAYS required, whether he is your husband or not. This unfortunately did not happen.

DH says most women love anal sex

Woman here: NO WE ABSOLUTELY DO NOT.

He didn't want to talk about it today and told me to stop going on about it and it was partly my fault for always saying no to anal.

I have no words. You don’t want to do something, so he does it without your consent, then blames you for the assault, for not having wanted it in the first place? Talk about mental gymnastics. And then he ignores/punishes you because he assaulted you and you weren’t happy about it? FFS.

Look, I get that LTB isn’t always possible with small children, finances, housing, etc. You can be damn sure that if this were me and I felt that I had no option other than to stay, that as of now, my thighs would be clamped tighter than Melania Trump’s on her wedding night. Forever.

Op none of this us your fault and it sounds awful what he put you through. It is rape. You were distressed and he did not stop for a long time.

You are not the problem, he is.

Whether other women enjoy anal sex or not is irrelevant as you don’t therefore you should not be expected to do it. Please get some help and get yourself checked out if you have pain as sounds like he was extremely forceful.

You should be don’t talking to him and not the other way around. He’s an abuser in the cold light of day.

I just read your latest update about your situation and you do sound so desperate to please your husband. I understand your situation with your child and at the moment you see your options as very limited, like you’ve been closed into your family unit. I think you should try speak to someone at women’s aid as you need real life support, even if it is baby steps like having someone to talk to and also a bit of time away from your child to have a breather. What you husband done is open a new door in abuse. My ex H hall was abusive but not sexually like this and he once stopped talking to for a whole week while I was heavily pregnant despite me begging him to talk to me. In addition, he’s blaming you for raping you. He has no accountability and he’s not treating you like someone he loves. I know you are hurting right now but read these responses carefully and also post to the relationship board. You will get some great support there too! Sending you a big hug x

He’s angry because he knows he’s in the wrong. Seek support. Call the police. Move back home. Do something because if not he’ll do it again .

@Emeraldiisland

your husband rapes you and your response is ' He doesn't need to say sorry, just tell me he loves me.'

that is one of the saddest comments I have ever read on here.

It appears that the point of your post is ' Maybe if you do enjoy anal sex you can tell me how to make it less painful '

whereas most other women would have written ' my husband raped me, what do I do '

Much as you love your DH and want to make things right between you, you can't get away from the fact that he raped you. That's unforgivable.

"He stopped eventually" doesn't mean it wasn't rape. He shouldn't have started it if he knew you weren't keen.

He's deliberately making it out to be your fault to deflect the blame from himself. He's gaslighting you.

Please seek help from Women's Aid, even if only to talk about what's happened.

Evening, OP. In case they're of any use, there are a few contact details of organisations that can offer women support on our Domestic Violence Web Page.

Makes you wonder what he will do next

Guy here, totally unacceptable. What your describing is a sexual asalt basically.

Perhaps he needs to receive a text asking if he's angry with himself for raping/sexually assisting you? That's exactly what happened, drink or not. It was wholly against your will & he did not have consent. He's a disgusting angry man who needs to be told that his behaviour is completely unacceptable. I'm so sorry you're living with this.

Since you are not willing to accept that your DHs behaviour was unacceptable. (In my opinion it was sex without consent). I see two problems here.

One is your marriage itself. Your DH is controlling you with silent treatment and being toxic with the anger and response. (Keeping the sexual abuse incident aside for a minute). You need to work through that to make your marriage a success. Find a counsellor to learn how to communicate with each other better and how to resolve issues looks adults.
You are not ready to move on from your current situation and maybe some day you will be ready and all the advice from others here will make sense to you.

Right now, find a way to set/reset your boundaries with your DH.
If you plan on continuing to live together, do not stop having sex without as a solution. It is frustrating and the worst thing you can do in a marriage/relationship.

Talk things through. Find your boundaries. Apologises may be required on both sides. Make sure it's fair and genuine.

From what you say, leaving is a difficult decision. So is staying.
Whatever you choose, make sure you both put all the effort you need to put in to make it the right one.

I truly am sorry you are in this situation. The second problem is. What happened was sexual abuse, rape (even if you disagree), sex without consent. They are all wrong. Please make sure you are never in that situation again. And if you are (there's a good chance you could be) be better prepared to deal with it.

Know where the blame should be placed. Know what is right for you.

Wishing you strength, power, peace and happiness.

just reading this has really upset me, I can't imagine how you must still be feeling. I'm so sorry this happened. It is indeed criminal, literally. You must get out of this relationship. I can't imagine how anyone can do this, I simply can't. Drunk or not, it makes no odds. It is rape. "he did stop eventually" is... well, I'm sorry but I can't imagine that either. I can't imagine doing something I know is off limits (cos if's against the law) and (assuming I had a green light to do something) I can't imagine not stopping if I didn't think it was going well. Please get help.

Yo might not believe it to be rape but in the eyes of the law it is most definitely an anal rape. You were not willing, you did not give consent and told him no his lack of compliance shows a clear intent

@Emeraldiisland

It becomes rape the instant you tell/beg him to stop and he does not.