Married man pursuing me for sex

[winterrabbit]

Bit of a weird situation. I am 47, married and with 3 kids. About a year ago I became quite friendly with one of the dad's in DS2's football team although I am friends with a lot of the parents. The friendliness just consisted of a few pitchside chats and the occasional message via Whatsapp. About 6 months ago he started texting me quite regularly, casual and friendly at first, but then became starting saying how much he likes me, how beautiful I am, can we meet up etc? I ignored it to begin with but have started to engage slightly, saying I like him as a friend but am married. He is also married with 2 kids. Just seems really odd as he is now saying he has fallen in love with me, can we meet etc, noone will know. I am married (2nd marriage, first husband had an affair and we split) and although we have issues our sex life is really good. I also don"t think I could cheat on DH either physically or morally. I am still a bit curious though and finding it quite odd behaviour on his part. I can only assume he does this all the time and is looking for casual sex. He does seem a nice guy though.

@TheShellBeach i can generally work out genuine posters by their tone and the nature of their replies. I think it’s gut instinct. I have met some wonderful men and women on this board, I have received support about sexual issues and many other subjects! If I believed everyone here was a pervert then I wouldn’t waste my time.

The same way you determine this on any other board. Use your common sense.

That's problematic though.
There have been countless cases of obvious perverts posting on this board, and although the regular posters claim they report them, they often don't.

Time and time again, I find threads and posts which need to be reported, and far from reporting them, the regular posters are engaging with the perverts.

If I believed everyone here was a pervert then I wouldn’t waste my time

Thank you for answering my question@Mermaidparades

FWIW I also don't believe that everyone on this board is a pervert, either. Absolutely not.

There have been countless cases of obvious perverts posting on this board, and although the regular posters claim they report them, they often don't.

But there we have it, don't we Shell, many things that you find perverted others don't. It's not for you to say what I should find perverted. MNHQ tells us to report and they will decide.

Do you know the stats about who reports and who doesn't? I'm sure that MN doesn't publish this data? I report posts that I think are dodgy. They're often there the next day if I am reporting late at night, presumably when the mods are asleep.

I don't post on a thread announcing that I've reported. MNHQ tells us not to do that.

So you report what you think breaks the rules and others can report what they think does and we can let MNHQ decide.

Often the perv posts have been there for many days or weeks. They’re deleted very soon after I’ve reported which to me confirms others haven’t. It’s unlikely mumsnet have ignored all the other reports but then take action straight away after mine. Often the regulars have chatted away quite happily to the perv. I remember one suggesting something very odd that involved a baby, one poster simply asked if that was female or Male advice, one said it was too ‘kinky’ for them. 🧐 It was perverted.

It’s easy to answer a black and white “should I continue engaging with this man who is flirting with me and probably wants to have an affair?” question when that’s the sole focus of the thread.

Yet some of the very same posters saying “of course you shouldn’t!” and then priding themselves on being so moral are more than happy to flirt and twinkle and metaphorically twirl and blow kisses at regular male posters who have made it quite clear they’re using this board behind their wives’ backs, or because they’re supposedly in a “dead bedroom” situation (but don’t have the balls to leave)…not quite so black and white then, is it?

I have definitely seen this.

Exactly - what one finds perverted is entirely subjective. No one poster can think and report on behalf of every other user.

I am very tolerant and open minded but have made reports to MN before that were ignored. They just took a more liberal stance and that’s ok.

'Yet some of the very same posters saying “of course you shouldn’t!” and then priding themselves on being so moralare more than happy to flirt and twinkle and metaphorically twirl and blow kisses at regular male posters'

Oh please. Posters are allowed to engage wirh whomever they wish, using whatever tone they like. How misogynistic to demean others women with insulting comments about 'twirling' and 'blowing kisses'.

I bet there's some projection going on on these threads. Have some of you been treated so badly you think everyone's at it?!

There is nothing misogynistic about having little respect for women who are happy to flirt and egg on married men to disrespect their wives behind their backs on one hand, while priding themselves on condemning the exact same behaviour if someone else were to indulge in it.

I don’t dislike the behaviour because it’s women engaging in it, I dislike it 1) because it’s hypocritical and 2) because I’ve spent years offering support to dozens and dozens of women on the Relationships board who have been devastated by their own husbands’ similar tawdry, secretive activities with women equally happy to exercise such poor judgement as to entertain them.

'There is nothing misogynistic about having little respect for women who are happy to flirt and egg on married men to disrespect their wives behind their backs on one hand, while priding themselves on condemning the exact same behaviour if someone else were to indulge in it.'

Egg them on? Look, I'm as opposed as the next person to affairs but I really think you're getting carried away to suggest chatting is 'egging men on' 'twirling' or 'blowing kisses'.

You do know there are forums dedicated to actual affairs and cheating don't you? Think anyone after flings would do better elsewhere tbh.

Think anyone after flings would do better elsewhere tbh.

At last, something we agree on!

To be perfectly blunt I wish a good proportion of the married regulars would fuck off to the likes of Ashley Madison or AdultFriendFinder if they’re determined to shit all over their marriages, and stop sniffing round Mumsnet for their jollies.

Well there you go! Other sites for hook ups are available maybe some just like to chat as we all do irl too. Imagine that, men and women chatting .

Personally I like the married men I chat with to have a wider range of conversational topics than details of the sex they have with their wives, the sex they used to have with their wives, the sex they’d like to have with their wives if they could only get her interested (I wonder whyever she might not be interested 🙄), the kinks their wives aren’t really into but that they just love talking to other women about, because I like talking to men who respect their wives enough to neither want to violate their privacy nor test the water with other women for an affair/emotional affair/sex chat partner…but you do you.

You see plenty of women discussing their sexless relationships both here and on the relationships board too. It's a common problem, one that surely it's good to hear a varierty of perspectives?

I will do me thanks.

There’s a difference between talking about sexless relationships, especially the aspects most often explored on the Relationships board, and married men using a “dead bedroom” as a cliché that, in their eyes, justifies them talking in detail about a variety of intimate sex acts and kinks, in conversations that have nothing to do with potentially resolving the so-called sexless marriage.

You can keep trying to make false equivalencies but we have eyes, we see what’s posted on this board, we see what sleazy men say about what gets them hard, what they’re happy to share without their wife’s knowledge or consent, how much they’re happy to flirt with and compliment and be salacious to other women (or at least they hope/are prepared to fool themselves that they’re women) without their wife’s knowledge or consent. They’re nothing like the women beating themselves up over on Relationships worried that it’s somehow their fault or is it a sign he’s having an affair?

Now I know you like to have the last word, so you can come back with some obtuse comment that makes it clear you still don’t see why this behaviour is a problem, I’ll leave you to it and we can both go on with our evenings.

Women discussing their sexless relationships is very different to men discussing their sexless relationships.
I don't believe that women post in order to get other people to post salacious material.

Ah yes, because every woman is an angelic victim and every man is a disgusting perv. Tarring everyone with this stereotype isn’t accurate or helpful.

I’ve been quite clear throughout that I’m referring specifically to the married men who hang round Mumsnet for sex chat behind their wives’ backs, behaviour which I find disrespectful. And it’s quite the achievement to be accused of being both misogynistic AND viewing all women as angelic victims in the same thread! It’s almost as if…I view different people differently based on their behaviour in different situations 🤔

You obviously find it helpful to put words in the mouths of those who have problems with aspects of this board. Maybe it makes it easier for you to dismiss our opinions if you twist them to pretend we’ve said something we haven’t. Maybe you haven’t fully grasped the nuance. Who knows. I’m sure it won’t be the last time it happens though.

I’d imagine it’s a bit like cold calling. He texts a few / many / all the soccer moms. Casual at first and maybe 75% respond, he ramps up to a little flirt and now 25% block him, 25% ignore and maybe 50% flirt back a bit… ramps up the flirting and loses a few more but now he’s got some lonely soccer moms who have already stepped a little bit off the path of the righteous and he starts to try and seal the deal. He’s probably had luck with the “love” line before with a lady having a shit time at home so this is his go to. You are getting to see this because you are one of the small percentage still in the game. He assumes you won’t tell his wife because of the previous flirting which would look bad to your husband.
Basically it’s a dirty little numbers game to get him some pussy. Play if you want but don’t mistake it for love!

I didn't suggest that at all.
I do not think that all women are angelic, nor do I think that all men are perverts.

This is what I said, and I'll repeat it because it's really simple:

I do not think that women who post about sexless relationships on Mumsnet are doing so in the hope that other people will share salacious material.

That's all.

mm - my what a turn this thread is taking.
I do though find it very often curiously the case that those promoting strict morality are quite often the first to use four letter words in their responses.
Curious indeed.
I do also find the constant second guessing about the identity of posters from some quarters very bizarre as well.
Must admit I don't trouble myself about that much - though would report anything seriously off.

I do though find it very often curiously the case that those promoting strict morality are quite often the first to use four letter words in their responses.

'Strict morality' is not the same as objecting to sleazy behaviour/posts! There is a spectrum, for sure.

I do also find the constant second guessing about the identity of posters from some quarters very bizarre as well.

What do you mean by this? Asking genuinely, as I don't understand what you mean.

I do though find it very often curiously the case that those promoting strict morality are quite often the first to use four letter words in their responses.
Curious indeed

I suppose it would be curious if anyone was, in fact, promoting strict morality.

Many people are trying to make this board safer for women, though, which isn't at all curious on a woman-centred website.

Nor is it unacceptable to promote women's safety.