Porn

[Hmmiwonder]

What are people's thoughts on porn usage in a relationship? Is it a natural thing to do? Is it potentially damaging to the relationship? Does it have any reflection on how one might feel towards their partner? What are your thoughts on it? And do you watch it if you're in a relationship?

CopernicusCalled · Today 12:19

We steer clear of the exploitative stuff - neither of us finds it a turn on

In what way do you think you're managing to do that, then”
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Quite. People tell themselves what suits their wants.

Quite. People tell themselves what suits their wants.

It’s so true. I knew someone who did so many mental gymnastics excusing their father using prostitution in the Far East. Apparently many of the women choose to do it over there, it’s just part of the culture 🙃.

It's an entirely personal choice and just depends on how you feel about it. For some people it would be a complete deal-breaker, while others wouldn't bat an eyelid. Neither response is right or wrong. I just think you need to be on the same page as your partner about it.

From my own perspective (as a woman) I simply don't think it's any of my DP's business what I choose to watch in private or fantasise about, so I extend that same standard to him. It is entirely up to him what he wants to watch when I'm not around. It's not something we discuss these days (we've been together 20 years) but we definitely had conversations about it in the early years of our relationship. It's not something that makes either of us feel jealous or inadequate, and there's no interaction involved (ie there's no cam girls, OnlyFans, commenting on videos etc). If there was a negative impact on our sex life or was making one of us feel terrible (which I know can certainly be the case in many relationships) then of course that would be different - but it's never caused a problem for us.

However, obviously there are many ways in which porn might cause a problem for couples if one person finds it abhorrent, or someone is addicted to it at the expense of their real-life sex life, or is expecting real sex to be the same as it is in porn, or it's making one person feel insecure about their body or their sexuality or whatever. So it's really just whatever works for you as a couple and what boundaries are right for you.

Everyone draws the line differently, I guess. I don't mind at all if my partner wants to watch porn in private, but I'd find it a huge turn-off if he went on lads' nights out to strip clubs or was exchanging porn clips with mates on WhatsApp or something. Not because I think those things are morally wrong but just because I find that kind of behaviour gross and unattractive. I wouldn't try to control a partner by telling them they couldn't do those things, but I doubt I'd want to continue the relationship if that was something they were into.

My husband and I used to watch it. After a while we realised it was contributing to male violence against women
There is no such thing as ethical porn because all it does is excuses the vile stuff.

I've stopped it all. I use my imagination.

Depends on the content / type surely! There is such a broad spectrum of what's available. Anything where the participants are consenting and so on, fine. Stuff which is degrading or a lot of what's available online where it's clear someone has been coerced / is underage / doesn't know they are being filmed, definitely not. Violent stuff, also no.

Most women I know who say they watch porn or don’t care if their male partners do seem to be huge pick mes/cool wives club

I think it's pretty misogynistic to suggest that women can't possibly be genuinely turned on by visual erotica, and are just pretending they are because they want to please men.

Many, many women - whether gay or straight, single or in a relationship - find pornographic material sexy. If you don't, that's fine - but if you think any woman who admits to watching porn can't possibly have enough agency to make that decision for herself and herself alone, that is a misogynistic attitude. It's just as misogynistic to suggest that liking porn means you're a 'pick me' as it would be if you were to suggest that women who don't like porn are sexless prudes.

This is so true. I have to say that I find all of this 'cool wives' stuff very odd and offputting. It smacks of policing what women do, and is as you say in itself quite misogynistic. I believe in freedom of choice and agency, not in sneering and putting others down because they don't fit some arbitrary moral standard. Good grief.

I have absolutely no problem with it.

Porn is a perfectly normal part of our relationship. We watch together, apart, send eachother videos just like we do memes and Facebook videos. We masturbate together, apart or one of us gets oral while watching porn.

Talking to other people, webcam etc are a no because that's involving another person but porn is just like watching TV.

And in terms of the exploitation and stuff, the TV and film industry in general is appalling for that, as is the fashion industry, food production, politics, business, manufacturing, human exploitation is at the heart of everything we enjoy. I'm not saying that make is OK, it doesn't, but unless you really work at knowing where everything you buy comes from, you'll be funding the exploitation of women and children somewhere in your life.

I'd have a problem with it, as I have a problem with the industry as a whole. For a start you have the whole exploitative nature of it. Then there's the fact it is normalising things which are harmful and/or degrading to women.

The way most men view sex now has actually put me off sex completely. Although I find nowadays you can tell which men overuse porn by the types of questions they ask before you even reach the bedroom! Someone like that isn't going to be interested in making sure the woman is enjoying herself. So why bother?

Depends on what you mean by porn tbh - I enjoy watching, for example, sex scenes in movies or tv shows when done well, and reading sex in fiction that is well-written and character-driven e.g. some fanfiction. I don't think I'd enjoy it with a partner - it's something for me, to give me pleasure or to get me in the mood. I would have no problem with a partner having similar interests, conducted in their own time.

What I have seen in my research-driven forays into the main free porn sites, though, and what I hear about things like OnlyFans, is vile - lacking any beauty, respect, emotion, or creativity, anything that could stimulate me sexually - just stock phrases, aggressive imagery, and actual violence against women (choking, slapping, rough sex in every orifice, name-calling) as standard. I am utterly repulsed by that and would have a hard time being attracted to anyone who gets off on it.

As far as I know my partner doesn't watch porn, but I wouldn't ask as I'm sure I don't want to know the answer. According to the internet 'all men do', and based on what is prevalent all men are being very damaged by the free availability of such horrible, soulless stuff.

Police believe that the astronomic rise in images of child abuse being circulated is not because there is some inexplicable growth in paedophilia (or that levels were always this high and the internet just leaves a digital 'papertrail' that's easier to uncover), but that men are so desensitised by the readily available and habitually extreme nature of internet porn that they need the material they consume to break bigger and bigger taboos as time goes on to get the same thrill, and child abuse images are the final frontier of that. If that isn't the best argument I have heard against porn (or most of it), I don't know what is.

I also find the idea of watching porn with a partner so deeply, deeply cringeworthy I can't even. I mean, at what point does your sex life become so stale that you need to watch other people going at it to feel aroused, when your actual partner is there? At what point do you so lack imagination and attraction to each other that you need props, artificial visual stimulants, etc etc? I'd honestly rather stop having sex altogether than let it limp along like that. That would be the moment I'd say you need to get right back to basics and CONNECT with the living human being in front of you, not add in more layers that bypass and cheapen that connection even further.

It was never an issue for me. I wasn't interested in watching it but wasn't bothered if DH wanted to watch it alone.

It became an issue though, I won't go into it but it's now a deal breaker for me. If he wants to watch it he knows where the door is.

I love your response. Thank you

It's a big no from me.

It's engaing in an industry that traffics, xploits and abuses young women, and men too. It's an industry that encourages men and boys to think of women and girls are objecxtsm and it escalates and normalises sexual violence.

Erotica, imagination, masterbation are all healthy ad fine. Porn? no way.

one of us gets oral while watching porn.

Aaargh. OK I know it's fine if you're both happy but THE VERY IDEA I'd be giving my partner oral while he was watching some other couple fucking over my head just makes me want to cringe inside out. I mean what, your actual partner sucking you off isn't sexy enough?? I accept that life is busy and full of distractions, but the one time I'd really feel justified having my partner's full attention is when his cock is in my mouth. FFS. It's just rude! Like bloody doing the shopping list while someone is trying to make you come.

I’m not saying women can’t enjoy porn. But as other say erotica comes in all forms. The visual media is directed towards men, it’s a culture of abuse, violence and exploiting women for their sex. It is a fantasy world where men see themselves in full control of a woman’s bodies and needs. So women who say they’re happy to share in that world, to buy into that culture, are absolutely trying to show men that they’re ‘cool’ with that. It’s highly ironic calling someone misogynistic for being against literally the most misogynistic forms of media available.

Chose what you want to chose to ‘get you off’. If you want to be part of the problem and continue the need for girls and women to sell themselves for your gratification, crack on. And feel free to call me a prude for disagreeing with it, I’d sooner be that than a perpetuator of systemic abuse.

Agree, and happy to join Team Prude if that or being all dandy with the porn which makes up the vast majority of what's available are the only two options.

And tbh, I think a woman who DOES actually 'get off' on that kind of stuff - women being verbally abused ('bitch, whore, dirty slut' etc) slapped repeatedly, anally penetrated with zero preparation or lubrication with the express purpose of making them 'scream' or 'destroying' them, chocked with hands or penises, and eventually either getting their faces ejaculated on, or even more foully ejaculated in one orifice or another and then that orifice zoomed in on to watch it dripping out (which seems for some reason to be incredibly popular) - there is probably something a bit wrong with you and you should seek therapy. It is a sign of self-hatred, or of your sexuality being so assimilated with the very worst of the male gaze you will need professional help to unpick that and start tapping into what turns YOU on, rather than simply being turned on by the idea of turning a man on.

Anyone saying it's a deal breaker for them if DH watches it....there's no chance in hell that they don't watch porn occasionally.

I think it's being extremely naive to think that that don't or never have since you've been together

What about watching just women specifically? Watching women pleasure themselves when in a relationship is that wrong?

I'm not bothered by it so long as it's an occasional thing and doesn't have an impact on the relationship. I don't believe that mainstream UK and US porn uses trafficked and abused women. I just don't.

I don't either. I don't understand why people are so sure that mainstream porn relies heavily on sexual slavery. A lot of pornstars are career people, not trafficked at all. And most are clearly NOT underage.

My self esteem is Teflon coated but I have no truck with porn or, specifically, the abuse endemic within that industry.

It's a great insomnia cure.
Click on porn and fall asleep with boredom.
Oh look, she's sucking his dick, oh look, he's licking her clam.
Same predictable shit.
Me. Zzzzzzz