Hands up who had an affair and why did you?

[HandsUp23]

Hi,

51 year old female here. I ended my marriage, before anyone says anything (when I realised what was happening to me). I ended up in an affair with a man I fell for. It has gone on for years and I was strung along with tales of an unhappy marriage from the other side and that he was going to leave - of course he didn’t. However, we got on extremely well etc. I was under his spell. He ended it numerous times, through guilt and saying it wasn’t fair, but continued to return with words to keep me in the cycle. Luckily, we live 4 hours apart! However, have met numerous times. I fell for him. End of. I was missing something in my life.

It has done me a lot of damage. Emotionally, and financially but what it did do was make me realise that my marriage wasn’t what it should be. No sexual attraction for many years (if there even ever was) - 16 years now , naivety on my part (never really had a boyfriend before him), a sexless marriage (which also lacked affection and chemistry elsewhere) and an age gap which meant we were in different time zones.

I am struggling to come to terms with everything that has happened over the last few years. However, and this is no excuse on my part as I know what we did was wrong, I also know why I ended up like that.

I have lost my marriage, my home (soon) and split my children up. However, I can’t go back to a marriage that was dead. We were
nothing more than friends and I was stupid to continue living like that. My divorce has been a long, bitter, process. I feel bad for what I have done but I was also suffering and had done for years.

I suppose I’m looking for others to tell their stories (change your username for anonymity) so I know I’m not alone.

OM has ended it again and I think I need to step away and cut contact. It’s damaging me.

I have tried OLD to no avail. Now feel
lonely and upset at what I have lost but also what I didn’t have to lose in the first place.

Please be kind. I have my own story and, I know I handled it badly!!

My affair happened with a much older man when my marriage was really at the end. It gave me the push to leave. I left my husband and was then alone with my DD because of the OM and promises that were never kept. Went through a horrific divorce that took 3 years and a lot of money.
He was married, told me his marriage was over, they slept in separate rooms.
She left and came back, then she left again. I put up with this for 4 years. Splitting up, getting back together. I was young 25 when we met he was 50. Then she left for good, had 3 years seeing each other, spending a lot of time together, in and out of each other’s houses. He treated my DD as his own, he had no children. We moved in together 3 years after his wife left him. It took him another 3 years to finalise his divorce. Bought a house 4 years later.
ended up living together for 13 years before he died. Looking back I should have let him go. He was a serial cheater. but it’s easy to say that now I’m older and wiser. Possibly lost my best years with him.
I however never had the urge again to cheat and I never would. I feel bad about what happened but the guilt of cheating on my alcoholic husband made me get out quickly.
Since he died I’ve kept in touch with his ex wife. We are pleasant with each other and I have some of her things that she needs to pick up.

@Lifestyleclub
That was a big age gap between you and the OM. Was this not of concern to you at the time? I think, like me, your marriage was struggling (of your husband was an alcoholic) and you were probably deeply unhappy. It has certainly made me think and deeply analyse my marriage, the years behind me and my youth. I think I was very inexperienced tbh and this led to me marrying someone who was nothing more than a friend.

Dis you ever tell your daughter about what happened?

I’ve never been faithful to any partner from my first girlfriend right through to my current wife. It’s taken me all my life virtually to realise that I wasn’t suited to monogamy. I don’t know why I did it other than the opportunities were there and I took them. I am not a good partner.

Have you considered ethical non-monogamy though? Just being open about it? We laid down rules, and we can have sex or relationships with who we like. It's clear monogamy isn't a lifestyle that you're suited to

I was going to say the same thing. If this is you, you need to be open, rather than lying and cheating with all the guilt and hurt that goes with it.

I am currently in affair territory, I won’t go into details. I am in an unhappy marriage which lacks in many areas, leaving would be the answer but DC, life's responsibilities and a mortgage keep us together. I know it’s not the right thing to do but it feels impossible to cut contact, I have realised recently I need to pull back, reflect on everything and make some decisions that I keep pulling away from.

Like many, my affair stemmed from a sexless marriage. At no point was enforced celibacy ever discussed, but my wife who (it turns out) had exaggerated her interest in sex has been very happy with the situation. My child has a good job and her parents have not been intimate since one month after her conception.
I would describe the other woman as the love of my life and together, we could have been very wealthy. The reason for my not leaving to be with her is that her competitive instincts meant that she wanted to impoverish my wife and child which was unacceptable to me.
The price we pay for having strayed is that, twenty years later, I can only talk openly about the pain of the break-up with three or four trusted friends. My experience is similar to that of many others, in that the other woman had much more experience of sex and relationships than me, I was seriously out of my depth.
Had I been separated from my child during lockdown, it would literally have been the death of me, so I'm fortunate that things did not progress further.
Do I still feel like a heel? Yes. Do I entirely regret that it happened? Probably not.

Young and stupid I guess. He was kind, made me feel different. That part didn’t last a very long time. I was also very controlled as was my daughter.
I lasted longer than his 3 marriages put together. We did have some good times but I do feel I’ve missed out in my life.
My daughter knows that it was an affair at first. She was only 1 when I split with her father.

IMO that knocking on the door doesn’t stop. It only intensifies once you realise that you have feelings for someone else. Lots of people stay together for the sake of children and finances but the one who is unhappy will remain just that, unhappy.

@LanguorLashes
A sexless marriage isn’t normal though. I know some people live with it but there are very clear problems in a marriage that is sexless, especially if it starts when both partners are young/ish. It is a similar story here, our sexless marriage started after my youngest child was born (although we didn’t have sex throughout the pregnancy either). We had also had to have IUI to conceive a second time (no issues first time) although, looking back, I wasn’t really attracted to him then either so it could explain why I didn’t fall pregnant (we both had tests and no issues were found).

I knew that my feelings towards my ‘older’ husband were not there - not sexually - and I had been very inexperienced (so was he tbh). I hadn’t had a boyfriend before and didn’t try out a few! I was a girl in a family of males who had been told I’d be called all sorts if I slept around before marriage etc.

The age gap also became an issue. I spent many years missing affection etc. I knew I was a passionate woman (which I was able
to be with OM as he made me feel like that) but it just wasn’t there with my husband. At all. I’d made a terrible mistake and, as I grew older, I started to realise. I’d been at university (19) when I met my husband (he was 30)!! I was convinced I’d never find anyone but I never really went out to meet anyone!! I was quiet back then. Not so much now!!

I have no regrets about the OM but I wish things had been different and he was free to be with me. We got on well in so many ways. Again, this was lacking in my marriage.

It was me who stopped sex in our marriage. Tbh, he was rubbish at anything sexual. No passion in him at all. He still thinks I’m frigid! Far from it! I just couldn’t do it with him, no matter how ‘in the mood’ I was.

I’m very aware that the OM has done me a lot of emotional and financial damage. Heartache is awful. I’m resigned to being alone. It’s hard.

@Lifestyleclub
How old are you and your daughter now?

Late 40s and mid 20s.

Being back in the dating scene at this age is difficult.

Was with someone, single this time but he has too much baggage and I keep letting him back in when he doesn’t want to commit but he doesn’t want to see others either. So it’s complicated.

Currently having an affair, as per poster above, partner has decided her sex life is over, therefore I’m now celibate ( did not agree to this).
having an affair with a married woman who is in the same situation.

This is my 1st affair ( but have considered it before), she is a serial adulterer.

oddly enough my home relationship is better than is has been for a long time, partner has gained weight due to menopause and now snores and is slightly disabled, we sleep in different beds now due to her snoring

the affair has opened my eyes the I’m in a pretty poor relationship

No offence meant to anyone, but a lot of the stories here are similar to ones I hear from men who approach me who tell me they are married and cheating. What I always ask is - what has stopped you from having an open marriage, rather than cheating? My DH suggested it initially about 7 years ago, at the time I was asexual after having our youngest, and he wanted sex with others and not to bother me. Took a few years of discussing it, trying out permissions, then my libido came back and I wanted to be out there too. I have had partners where I do know their DW, and she may not be interested in him (or sex) but is happy for him to see others for sex and maybe something more. I'm just curious as me being asked if we could be open wasn't hurtful or anything, just more started a discussion of pros and cons, and I wondered if for others it's actually just far more scary to ask for permission so therefore cheating seems easier?

I understand I’m responsible for my own happiness, I’m just not ready to take the leap, we co-parent well but that physical side of our marriage has slowly faded away. I don’t really fancy my husband either which sounds unkind to say but he doesn’t look after himself, smoking, alcohol, an unhealthy diet has taken its toll.

It certainly is!!

I think this happened to
me too. My eyes were opened to the situation I was living in. I definitely didn’t feel the same and became quite anxious at home. I couldn’t even share a bed or room with my husband.

But, what happens when you fall in love with that other person? I did.

I wasn’t physically attracted to my husband in the end. Age gap and he didn’t look after himself either. I felt trapped.

@nameForThis21 oddly enough my home relationship is better than is has been for a long time, partner has gained weight due to menopause and now snores and is slightly disabled, we sleep in different beds now due to her snoring

the affair has opened my eyes the I’m in a pretty poor relationship
Please don't tell me that menopausal weight gain and a slight disability is evidence of a bad relationship in your eyes

My DW has a health issue that she could address, but won’t, she would rather bury her head in the sand, further to that I get PMI through work, which we could use, but again she won’t do anything about it and gets defensive when I raise the issue, if this continues ( which it will due to family history) I will end up as her carer not her partner.
i would happily help her, but she won’t help herself ?

I guess it depends what you're looking for, I wasn't looking for someone to just have a sexual relationship with. I'm in love with one of my partners, my DH was in love with his ex and their break-up was pretty hard on him.

@lilkitten

Yes I did suggest it with my current wife but she went apeshit so I backed off.