Hands up who had an affair and why did you?

[HandsUp23]

Hi,

51 year old female here. I ended my marriage, before anyone says anything (when I realised what was happening to me). I ended up in an affair with a man I fell for. It has gone on for years and I was strung along with tales of an unhappy marriage from the other side and that he was going to leave - of course he didn’t. However, we got on extremely well etc. I was under his spell. He ended it numerous times, through guilt and saying it wasn’t fair, but continued to return with words to keep me in the cycle. Luckily, we live 4 hours apart! However, have met numerous times. I fell for him. End of. I was missing something in my life.

It has done me a lot of damage. Emotionally, and financially but what it did do was make me realise that my marriage wasn’t what it should be. No sexual attraction for many years (if there even ever was) - 16 years now , naivety on my part (never really had a boyfriend before him), a sexless marriage (which also lacked affection and chemistry elsewhere) and an age gap which meant we were in different time zones.

I am struggling to come to terms with everything that has happened over the last few years. However, and this is no excuse on my part as I know what we did was wrong, I also know why I ended up like that.

I have lost my marriage, my home (soon) and split my children up. However, I can’t go back to a marriage that was dead. We were
nothing more than friends and I was stupid to continue living like that. My divorce has been a long, bitter, process. I feel bad for what I have done but I was also suffering and had done for years.

I suppose I’m looking for others to tell their stories (change your username for anonymity) so I know I’m not alone.

OM has ended it again and I think I need to step away and cut contact. It’s damaging me.

I have tried OLD to no avail. Now feel
lonely and upset at what I have lost but also what I didn’t have to lose in the first place.

Please be kind. I have my own story and, I know I handled it badly!!

I've had 2 affairs. The first one was when I'd only been married for a few years. I've no idea why it's started. Well I do, he made a move on me and I enjoyed it so we carried on but I wasn't looking for it. I ended up in love with 2 men and it wasn't a great time in my life. We both parted ways with our spouses and we've been married for 20+ years. I am currently having an affair for very different reasons and went looking for sex. The relationship with my H has broken down. There is no physical or emotional connection between us anymore. I hate him at times and it has been very difficult to live my life sharing a house and children with him. I met the man I am having an affair with now, for sex, and it turned out to be more than that. He helps me cope with my unhappy relationship and there is a much better atmosphere at home because I know I am appreciated elsewhere. I will leave and divorce H further down the line but it's not the right time currently.

I am in a sexless marriage too and would happily have an affair as I am still relatively young.

We are very different people but like many are staying to put a brave face on for the kids.

A shame and we will get divorced but not just now.

I’m in a similar position to you. I was in a sexless marriage with my husband who was 10 years older and we hadn’t been intimate for 7 years when I started an affair with someone who was already divorced but living 4 hours away. I felt reborn.
I left my husband and started a long distance relationship. It recently came to an end and I feel alone. My ex husband and I remain friends. I’m not proud of what I did but finding it hard on my own at the age of 51.

Yes, I had an affair during a sexless and extremely unfulfilling marriage.

I wasn't emotionally strong enough to leave my marriage so I let it continue for another 3 years while I was seeing the OM.

Eventually it was like something woke up inside me and I found the strength to end it. I'm still meeting the OM regularly but I have no intention or desire to pursue a relationship with him. I am extremely happy now on my own with a mutually beneficial "fuck buddy" situation.

The affair wasn't the cause of my marriage ending, but it certainly did make me think life is too short to be unhappy.

I think, in my case, it was the affair that ended my marriage. I woke up too. I realised that I’d been living in a sexless marriage (for a decade), why it was sexless and I just started to realise it was dead. I became so unhappy but the OM made me feel alive in so many ways.

I regret not ending it sooner!!

I had an affair which my husband discovered. Where do I even begin with the reasons?! My husband is a cold and unaffectionate man, no ‘I love yous’ no holding hands, no cuddling, no kissing, no attempt at romance, no romantic marriage proposal, no engagement ring, no planning of date nights, says now that he never believed in marriage, never wanted to marry me, doesn’t wear the wedding ring he insisted on having because I was having one, nothing special organised for my birthday (but angry that my friends make a fuss of me) got a very nice card on my birthday, except it was completely blank, like a notecard, sex was always solely on his terms, until it was withheld completely and I moved into the spare room and started living separately in our massive old house, if I tried to cuddle up to him he lay there like a brick, blocked me from being able to text him, so unable to contact him, allowed his horrible mother/sister to treat me terribly eg send Christmas cards to the house without my name on, had to attend events like friends weddings etc alone as he refused to go with me, rude to my friends and family, leaves the house without saying where he’s going, when he will be back, or even just goodbye, has left most of the life admin etc to me eg never took either car for MOT, repairs etc. And so much more..

My affair partner was the complete opposite, incredibly affectionate and loving, always held my hand, tactile, loving words, made me feel special, wrote songs for me and performed them
on his guitar, planned lovely dates, enthusiastic about me, gave me meaningful little trinkets, lots of communication via text etc.

I’m sure you can see why it happened!

I was in a dysfunctional marriage for a while. It was Ok before kids, Then with kids - differences we didn't know about surfaced and over the years it slowly became worse. Eventually i couldn’t force myself to have sex with someone who treated me like a servant.
Thought my libido died too.
Then an encounter with an ex made me realise i am still a sexual being. It just takes a right man.

But i had kids and like many on here - I wasn’t ready to divorce. Wanted them to grow up a bit.

But I needed something for me. To make it through the home life.

Married dating site helped.

I didn’t have an ‘affair’. Not in a traditional meaning where I was somehow seduced and had a clandestine emotional attachment.

I picked a friendly happy sexual and sexy guy who became my FWB. It absolutely improved my relationship - at least my ability to stay sane and relatively happy for the past few years of my marriage.

We did divorce few years later - not because of any of the above. And now are a few years past it. Kids and life ate OK.

@HandsUp23 - don’t despair. Divorce sucks and is painful. BUT - it’ll happen and you’ll build a nee life. And there are lota of positives!
Yes - dating in 40s-50s can be crap. IF you are dating with romantic expectations of a young person. If you date to fall in love and to find some perfect partner.

But IF you date as a grown up person, and let yourself enjoy life - and don’t date because you need a man to feel happy about yourself and your life - you can have a lot of fun. And you might meet an imperfect partner that just might work.

If I thought I would get a positive response to asking for an open relationship, then I would 100% ask for one. Unfortunately for me and I think the vast majority of people in unsatisfactory sexual relationships. The partner who is withholding sex doesn't feel that guilty about it and probably finds ways of justifying it to themselves, such as believing that the partner who wants more/any intimacy is obsessed with sex. By agreeing to a degree of openness, they'd have to admit that the problem is actually on their side.

Thank you for your answer 😊 When my DH initially said it, I wondered why, thinking he wanted to leave me, but I could even admit myself that I didn't want sex. I think over time it was a realisation that I was making him unhappy, and I don't own his life - this idea that we are individuals became something more apparent to me, and is a linchpin of our poly lives, that we are ultimately in charge of our one life and I would feel so guilty if I held him back from happiness. This has also changed my attitude about relationships in general, and now I wouldn't stay with someone who wanted to prevent me from doing something with my life. Covid particularly kickstarted it for me, I lost three friends close together who were in their 40s and 50s, made me definitely get a sense that I have one life and I should enjoy it to the fullest x

It's commendable that you had the insight to make that realisation. I just dont think most people would be capable of that unfortunately. If I was ever to leave my current situation, I think I'd bw far more suited to something with a degree of openness.

My husband was cold too. Similar to yours but not quite as bad. I can totally see why you had an affair.

What happened next?

I think I’d have like AP to have become my FWB. I don’t think I had realised just how dysfunctional my marriage was tbh and my libido was low too - now I know that it was the man that was the problem because my sexual side was well and truly alive with AP. I think it was the way we got on too - not just sexually.

Problem is, I developed feelings for AP so the FWB situation wouldn’t work out anyway.

I think a lot of people are in the same boat tbh! I can totally see how affairs happen! People get slated for having affairs but, in most cases, I’d say there was an underlying reason.

I had affairs during my first marriage. I met my first husband during our our last year at university. We were young and it was a buble. He then got a job which required him to spend a lot of time abroad. I started having relationships with other men. A number of them were just for sex I must admit but two had a real emotional attachment. I knew there was no real future to my marriage so I did not feel bad. My husband then started seeing a woman abroad. It made the splitting up easier. I have not had any affairs during my second marriage. If anybody wants to DM me please feel free to do so.

@HandsUp23 So next thing I know, affair
partner broke things off very suddenly. Wanted to remain friends, continued to text everyday, still wanted to meet up etc, but changed towards me, became quite nasty. I refused to meet him, I think he wanted to carry on as normal, just under a different heading..I’m guessing he was involved with others by that stage. He texts me out of the blue every couple of months. Probably when he’s drinking..

My marriage broke down but husband didn't even notice. He carried on talking about himself, doing what he wanted, not working. He was too scary for me to ever say I didn't like it, or that I wanted him to work. He did what he liked. I ended up living in a tiny corner of myself, just enduring until the kids were old enough for me to leave.
During this time we had a much younger lodger, who was kind, did things for me, who 'saw' me, who was kind to me.
Sadly, the lodger brought me to life in many fantastically carnal ways, then left me for a girlfriend his own age (cheek!).
I was divorced when I expected to be, when the kids were old enough, and I have fantastic memories of my sexual awakening. Some very lovely times with a guy who knew how to work a woman very well.

Sounds like you're the reason it's a poor relationship

As someone whose father had an affair, and who has been cheated on myself I would like to say that most of these situations are disgusting. If you feel dissatisfied in your relationship, talk to your partner or civilly end it instead of having an affair and destroying someone else's happiness. Especially if you have kids - it affects them way more than you think.
I don't appreciate all the excuses people are giving, and the fact that others in the same situation are validating it. Cheating is never ok and there is always a more mature solution. Sex is far less important than basic compassion for your partner and it's ridiculous that people still think it's normal and acceptable to betray someone like that.

@speenmum Quite frankly who cars if you appreciate it or not

I car 🚗

Marriage is no longer what it is.
We will all get to a point where we no longer find out partner physically attractive...sometimes because of a road traffic accident, sometimes because of health issues or other times due to old age.
But
Having said that we will love our partners in different ways to a point that even if they were not attractive we would find all their flaws attractive to us because of the personality and the love that started.
The fact that the husband helps and takes care of you, talks to you, helps you during grief and sorrow and helps you celebrate at times of success.
I'm glad you ended it. You had it in your head the marriage was dead as you wanted to justify the affair.
I hope that your husband finds a beautiful wife who loves him even when things get hard.
You are wrong so don't come here for sympathy.
Carrying on with a married man and acting like victim. You knew what you were doing.
It just didn't go to your plan.

No - it’s that she ended their sex life unilaterally with zero regard for her dh.
Relationships are about communication, compromise and mutual understanding.

So you are still with your wife?
Why would you have been wealthy with the OW?

Wanting to impoverish your wife and CHILD is not a sign of competitiveness. It's a sign of sadism. She sounds awful

Are you still with your dh? Why did you not just leave him?

@letsgoooo The OW was very focused and business-savvy, had we been together, my earnings (now five times what they were when we met) would have progressed much faster.
I was out of my depth and got burnt.