Hands up who had an affair and why did you?

[HandsUp23]

Hi,

51 year old female here. I ended my marriage, before anyone says anything (when I realised what was happening to me). I ended up in an affair with a man I fell for. It has gone on for years and I was strung along with tales of an unhappy marriage from the other side and that he was going to leave - of course he didn’t. However, we got on extremely well etc. I was under his spell. He ended it numerous times, through guilt and saying it wasn’t fair, but continued to return with words to keep me in the cycle. Luckily, we live 4 hours apart! However, have met numerous times. I fell for him. End of. I was missing something in my life.

It has done me a lot of damage. Emotionally, and financially but what it did do was make me realise that my marriage wasn’t what it should be. No sexual attraction for many years (if there even ever was) - 16 years now , naivety on my part (never really had a boyfriend before him), a sexless marriage (which also lacked affection and chemistry elsewhere) and an age gap which meant we were in different time zones.

I am struggling to come to terms with everything that has happened over the last few years. However, and this is no excuse on my part as I know what we did was wrong, I also know why I ended up like that.

I have lost my marriage, my home (soon) and split my children up. However, I can’t go back to a marriage that was dead. We were
nothing more than friends and I was stupid to continue living like that. My divorce has been a long, bitter, process. I feel bad for what I have done but I was also suffering and had done for years.

I suppose I’m looking for others to tell their stories (change your username for anonymity) so I know I’m not alone.

OM has ended it again and I think I need to step away and cut contact. It’s damaging me.

I have tried OLD to no avail. Now feel
lonely and upset at what I have lost but also what I didn’t have to lose in the first place.

Please be kind. I have my own story and, I know I handled it badly!!

@letsgoooo it’s a hugely complex situation. We live in the same (very large) house.

long relationships are complex in a busy world - our needs change over time and our partners change.

it is difficult to stay unhappy and difficult to leave.

a past affair met a need but was not a solution to my unhappiness, unfortunately

For me it happened at time when my marriage was going though rough patch. If felt like my husband and I were growing apart. Things were lacking both physically and emotionally. I didn’t want to get divorced but wasn’t particularly happy either. I ended up getting close to someone from my past and I suppose I tried to fill in the missing pieces with him. It worked for while but eventually things got messy.

I'm in the early stages of an affair.

The pandemic, unemployment, a newborn and a lack of communication killed our marriage but we did not want to jump to divorce too quickly in case there was a chance of repairing things. Several years have passed and nothing has improved but neither of us are quite ready to press the implode button just yet and destroy family life permanently.

I feel too young to be in a sexless marriage and enjoy the expressive and attentive communication in between our affair meets. My lover has no desire to leave his marriage and nor do I at this point. We talk openly and honestly about our relationship issues and advise one another - ironic I suppose. But it's a coping mechanism and has definitely helped my mental health and my ability to live with an otherwise impossible situation.

What I don't know yet is what the exit path out of the affair will look like on due course and how painful that will be. I assume one of us will at some point want to bring things to a close, either due to being found out, or committing to make a go of our respective marriages...

If you are going to sleep with someone else's husband that's one thing but to discuss the private details of their relationship and to offer him private details about your husband is really disrespectful to your respective partners. You say you are in the early stages... please consider taking the moral high ground and either ending it with this married man and trying to fix things with your husband or being honest with your husband that you aren't happy and want a divorce. You, your AP your spouses and your respective children are all going to suffer because you two are too selfish and short sighted to manage your own lives properly.

I’m a carer for my DH. There’s been no sex for nine years. I’m having an affair with a man in a similar situation. It’s been the thing that’s kept me going. We meet every four to six weeks, for a day of laughter, great sex, and nonsense chat. Neither of us talk much about home stuff, and never plan to be together further down the line. I don’t know what I’d do without the escape.
I’d hate to have my DC or friends know about it, but I have absolutely zero guilt.

Lots of depressing stories here and I understand the pitfalls and betraying feeling of affairs but there is sometimes a positive side too.
I moved upon my first marriage to RAF Brize Norton in the early eighties, easy to say now but I was in a marriage I should never have got into and to be honest feel did us both a favour by getting involved with my American Airforce Policeman lover so my former husband & I could move on with our lives x

NC for this.

I have been having an affair for 21 years.
Why do we do it? I can't imagine him not being in my life. We are great friends. We never ever discuss problems in our marriages though, although we do discuss every other part of our lives. Neither of us wants to leave our marriages. We are incredibly discreet and it works for both of us.

Same Time, Next Year with Ellen Burstyn and Alan Alda gives an interesting spin on a long running affair that enhances long marriages.

How often do you see each other as friends and as lovers?

I didn’t have a physical affair when I was married but I had so many thoughts about it and probably would have done if there had been an opportunity. I definetly had emotional affairs!
Living with a husband who was never home, who was obviously in love with someone else and continuously put myself and my daughter last. I would have jumped at the chance for affection and kindness.

Once every three months as lovers on average. Chat every other day and catch up when we can as friends. Probably once a month in person.

Interesting,, only as I’ve been there x

I was in a relationship from when we were both 15. We stopped sleeping together when I was 19, though even now I couldn’t really say why. I had a year long affair at 20, then due to guilt nothing again till a one night stand at 29, which is when we broke up. Now in mid thirties and do not regret one bit as now have DP and DC.

But, presumably, you wouldn't have known that the other man had an "abnormally" large cock until you were naked together? By which time you were already committed to being unfaithful even if he wasn't so large?

I'm not being judgemental, just curious.
Was your partner's small cock a constant source of frustration that made it almost inevitable that you would stray?

I wasn’t convinced by this either. Can’t imagine any woman straying just because their partner has a small penis. There will be other reasons at play.

Thanks for clarifying.

Yes I have had affairs, I was let down by my H. He cheated. But that wasn't the deciding factor. That could have been managed.
It was because of his lies in nearly everything he did. He was not as good at business as he said. Ha was not as skilled at his hobby as he said.
You needed to apply a 40% discount to everything he claimed.
I am looking around again, exaggeration is manageable. Golf scores, You really play off 8!! So what.
Sorry that was a rant.