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Original poster

Husband, sex, what's going on

71 replies

katkins23 · 29/04/2023 23:53

Should probably post in sex topic but posting here for traffic.

Lots to unpick but the short story is that dh is 13 years older than me (37 and 50) and sex has always been a a bit odd. He claims low libido and uses viagra for ED. I have tried really hard not to make this into an issue and believe it's for his own use/issues/self esteem but I'm really starting to believe it's just me he's not attracted to.

I think he masturbates. I know he has a particular kink (nothing gross or horrible just a bit taboo) that we don't do. He has recently not been getting hard even with viagra or losing his erection during sex with me. Even when he keeps it he doesn't finish through PIV and I have to do it with my hand. It's all just very unnatural and demeaning to me.

This may be TMI but I've also noticed he stimulates either his bum or perineum area when I'm using my hand on him. I don't know what this means.

Clearly the issue here is lack of communication but whenever I ask if he's happy and attracted to me he says yes. I don't want to push the ED issue for fear of embarrassing him. But right now there are so many things going through my mind. Even questioning if he's gay. Or maybe just not attracted to me. What do I do? I enjoy sex with him but feel like he's not getting much from it. And I can't work out if there are his issues or if it's simply not me doing it for him,

OP posts:
CheersForThatEh · 29/04/2023 23:56

Screams porn deathgrip to me. Sorry x

Blossomtoes · 29/04/2023 23:59

It sounds bloody miserable. I couldn’t be doing with it, I’d sooner not have sex.

maddening · 29/04/2023 23:59

Either gay or wanted himself into fetish and now can't do it without the porn or kink imo

TheVanguardSix · 30/04/2023 00:00

Good ol’ porn. Working its magic. That’s the long and the short of it, OP.

Divorcedalongtime · 30/04/2023 00:04

I’m confused why you enjoy sex with him, does he go to equal lengths to make you cum?
agree with others about porn. Maybe he never much enjoyed sex though, that’s ok too

TheVanguardSix · 30/04/2023 00:04

Definitely, as maddening said, can’t function without the fetish. Soon, that won’t be enough. I went down this road. Same age difference too between my ex and me. He used this as an excuse A LOT! He had lots of excuses.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2023 00:07

I feel very sad that at 37, this is it for you. None of this is going to get better.

It's all just very unnatural and demeaning to me.

This is untenable. You need to have a very serious rethink about your marriage.

Mangotango39 · 30/04/2023 00:10

It doesn't make some gay if they like that kind of stimulation. Is it something you'd consider doing and can talk about introducing together?
what about this taboo item he like? You say you don't do it together but is that because you don't want to or it's just not been brought up?

I really think you just need to discuss your wants and like here to possibly solve the issue or discuss if unable to move forward from it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/04/2023 00:29

Prostate/perenium stimulation is not uncommon, a lot of men like it. That said, coupled with his ED etc I would think that there is more to this. Seems like he probably gets off on porn to do with his kink, and is now at a point where its the only way he can orgasm.

It wont get better, and frankly I wouldnt be able to stay with him. Sex in a relationship is supposed to be mutually enjoyable, not with one of you feeling like you need a shower afterwards to rid yourself of the feelings of being used as a glorified sex toy (yes, I once had one like this too but thankfully not for long).

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 30/04/2023 00:35

For goodness sake, a man massaging his perineum or even anus does not mean he is gay.

These are highly erogenous zones for men.

Just because men want to receive pleasure somewhere other than their bellend doesn't make them weird or gay 🙄 The attitude certainly makes them not want to suggest it.

Maybe porn, maybe not. You can feel pleasure exploring your own body without porn.

alltoomuchrightnow · 30/04/2023 00:36

It's a rare man that doesn't like that, it's not just a gay thing
But Viagra doesn't work on libido. Had a few exes like this. Nothing improved.. only worsened. I've heard testostorone injections work wonders but none of them were up for it (or err. ..UP for anything !!) :(

eyesfullofstars · 30/04/2023 00:39

How long have you been together? I would have thought in a committed relationship that it’s ok to have conversations about things like ED without it being embarrassing as long as you’re not trying to start the conversation mid shag.

You say you enjoy the sex, but do you really? You don’t sound satisfied or happy from what you have said. Are you comfortable communicating what you want?

mswales · 30/04/2023 00:40

If you can't talk to him about it then you are not communicating well with each other, that is your big problem not his fetish whatever it is. Open communication is essential to good sex. Good luck

Deadringer · 30/04/2023 00:43

God that sounds miserable for you, never mind him. Sorry that's not very helpful.

RelentlessMother · 30/04/2023 00:43

@katkins23 get a strap on and make his dream cum true.

sorry. I couldn’t help it.
on a serious note ; in my experience a lot of men like anal.

Divebar2021 · 30/04/2023 00:48

A great deal more men are into the idea of pegging than you might imagine.. straight men I mean not gay men. I wonder if you in a strap-on would miraculously cure the ED.

RelentlessMother · 30/04/2023 00:49

I meant straight men. Gays obviously do we already know.

Red0 · 30/04/2023 05:38

It's all just very unnatural and demeaning to me.

What is, the sex you’re having, or the taboo kink? If it’s the sex that’s making you feel like that, then that’s not good for you and it’s not fair you feel like that. Why don’t you tell us the kink so we can help with suggestions, as above re: pegging. I doubt you revealing what it is will be outing.

Original poster
katkins23 · 30/04/2023 06:48

By unnatural I mean sex doesn't happen naturally or spontaneously, if has to be pre planned due to him needing to take viagra. When it happens it's the same thing each time and yes I do finish but then having to finish him off with my hand feels demeaning to me because it makes me feel there's something wrong with either my performance or my body! I don't know if this is linked to the viagra usage as I've heard that it can make it harder for men to orgasm.

The kink is to do with messy play - gunge, food stuff, I've posted about it before under different usernames. I don't get it personally. It just seems silly rather than sexy to me. We haven't done it because I'm not sure how to bring it into the bedroom (I think it's more than a bit of whipped cream that gets him off and genuinely don't know how we'd contain the mess!) and he's never initiated anything. Feels like a fantasy he wants to keep separate from real life? Then again if I pushed it I doubt he'd refuse.

The suggestions of leaving aren't going to happen. Other than this we have a very happy life together and it's not something I'm willing to uproot my kids for. I guess I just wanted to vent about it because I don't really understand what's going on and I find it hard to talk to him about it because he's quite insecure about needing the viagra.

OP posts:
Hawkins003 · 30/04/2023 13:51

@katkins23 basically he's into sploshing, or fetishes, with food.
there was an episode on csi ny with food fetish. And their was an episode on secret dairy of a call girl with Billy piper, that best showcases a sploshing session

littleripper · 30/04/2023 13:59

He's ruined himself with porn by the sounds of it. I know quite a few women in your position. I am sorry OP but I doubt it is food etc.

ejbaxa · 30/04/2023 14:02

Honestly I think vanilla sex should be far more highly promoted!

Original poster
katkins23 · 30/04/2023 14:04

littleripper · 30/04/2023 13:59

He's ruined himself with porn by the sounds of it. I know quite a few women in your position. I am sorry OP but I doubt it is food etc.

What do you mean you doubt it is food? I've seen the evidence myself (search history etc) and we have discussed it. Again he's not very open about it and not a great communicator about these things which I suspect is down to embarrassment. But I don't think there is anything else going on.

It's not a great position to be in. His age may also be a factor. But he does try to please me and make the effort. It all just feels a bit forced sometimes and as I said, the finishing process for him doesn't make me feel great.

OP posts:

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