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Original poster

Husband, sex, what's going on

71 replies

katkins23 · 29/04/2023 23:53

Should probably post in sex topic but posting here for traffic.

Lots to unpick but the short story is that dh is 13 years older than me (37 and 50) and sex has always been a a bit odd. He claims low libido and uses viagra for ED. I have tried really hard not to make this into an issue and believe it's for his own use/issues/self esteem but I'm really starting to believe it's just me he's not attracted to.

I think he masturbates. I know he has a particular kink (nothing gross or horrible just a bit taboo) that we don't do. He has recently not been getting hard even with viagra or losing his erection during sex with me. Even when he keeps it he doesn't finish through PIV and I have to do it with my hand. It's all just very unnatural and demeaning to me.

This may be TMI but I've also noticed he stimulates either his bum or perineum area when I'm using my hand on him. I don't know what this means.

Clearly the issue here is lack of communication but whenever I ask if he's happy and attracted to me he says yes. I don't want to push the ED issue for fear of embarrassing him. But right now there are so many things going through my mind. Even questioning if he's gay. Or maybe just not attracted to me. What do I do? I enjoy sex with him but feel like he's not getting much from it. And I can't work out if there are his issues or if it's simply not me doing it for him,

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 30/04/2023 14:07

If you are otherwise happy can you just invest in some really good toys for you and focus less on sex with him?

Original poster
katkins23 · 30/04/2023 14:15

Sparkletastic · 30/04/2023 14:07

If you are otherwise happy can you just invest in some really good toys for you and focus less on sex with him?

Yes always an option I suppose lol.

If we were having no sex at all and he was masturbating I would have a serious problem with it. But he does try to make the effort and is very keen on pleasing me. It's just that the sex we do have seems almost forced and not very natural which, given that we've been together 8 years, doesn't seem right.

I just feel like he could take it or leave it. We do have young kids as well and that coupled with ED problems doesn't exactly make for a straightforward, spontaneous sex life.

OP posts:
ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 30/04/2023 14:17

The fetish you mention aside, you mentioned he likes perineum stimulation. Why not consider some form of toy for him that focuses on that area, you might be surprised.

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/04/2023 14:41

Just because a guy likes his perineum stroked or his anus touched doesn't make him potentially gay.

But he def is not into you. Maybe never was. Or maybe not anymore. Or maybe he is more into porn than he is into you.

But You say "Other than this we have a very happy life together "

Other than this? The thing that makes you feel small? The thing that makes you doubt yourself and makes you feel not good enough? The thing that makes you question what your marriage is reduced to? This is not a "other than this" minor matter. This is humongous. And rendered your marriage a place of hurt and self-doubt. But you say you'll never leave him?!

So ... the vent that you want to have about a man that is addicted to having sex with food, you have to 'schedule sex with, but even then he can't get an erection even with Viagra when he is with you, makes you feel dehumanised and strips you of all dignity and self-esteem. A man that fills you with doubt and pain and feelings of low self worth ...

And yet you c h o o s e to stay with him.

You only have one life. You are only 37. And THIS is how you chose to spend the rest your life? I can't even imagine...

I think deep down you know that this thread isn't just a "vent" (your words). It is a cry for help.

WilkinsonM · 30/04/2023 14:50

It's not unusual for men to need more specific stimulation to orgasm as they get older. My DP usually needs to finish manually and that doesn't bother me at all apart from when it takes ages lol and the viagra also isn't unusual over 50. The few times my DP has taken it he said it doesn't make you hard by itself but once you get turned on it makes you really hard and for longer so it may be that he's not experiencing much of a sex drive anymore. Also not unusual in late middle age for men! It doesn't mean you're not attractive but it can dip as hormones drop.

WilkinsonM · 30/04/2023 14:50

Also forgot to mention the prostate or anal stimulation - totally normal and doesn't mean he's gay ffs!

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 30/04/2023 14:54

Have you tried touching him where he likes it during sex? Either penetrative/oral/manual - maybe that would help? I think most people have specific things they like to help get them off, that’s not unusual

littleripper · 30/04/2023 14:56

katkins23 · 30/04/2023 14:04

What do you mean you doubt it is food? I've seen the evidence myself (search history etc) and we have discussed it. Again he's not very open about it and not a great communicator about these things which I suspect is down to embarrassment. But I don't think there is anything else going on.

It's not a great position to be in. His age may also be a factor. But he does try to please me and make the effort. It all just feels a bit forced sometimes and as I said, the finishing process for him doesn't make me feel great.

Show quote history

From what other women have told me their partners started with fairly ordinary porn use and then click click click they were watching really weird fetishes and going down a black hole of porn use.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 30/04/2023 15:39

Has he had his prostate checked recently? He is of that age when it can start to cause problems. Id struggle with all this aged 37 tbh.

JMSA · 30/04/2023 15:43

Shove your thumb up his bum next time you're having sex, and see if that does the trick.

Original poster
katkins23 · 30/04/2023 15:46

SparklyBlackKitten · 30/04/2023 14:41

Just because a guy likes his perineum stroked or his anus touched doesn't make him potentially gay.

But he def is not into you. Maybe never was. Or maybe not anymore. Or maybe he is more into porn than he is into you.

But You say "Other than this we have a very happy life together "

Other than this? The thing that makes you feel small? The thing that makes you doubt yourself and makes you feel not good enough? The thing that makes you question what your marriage is reduced to? This is not a "other than this" minor matter. This is humongous. And rendered your marriage a place of hurt and self-doubt. But you say you'll never leave him?!

So ... the vent that you want to have about a man that is addicted to having sex with food, you have to 'schedule sex with, but even then he can't get an erection even with Viagra when he is with you, makes you feel dehumanised and strips you of all dignity and self-esteem. A man that fills you with doubt and pain and feelings of low self worth ...

And yet you c h o o s e to stay with him.

You only have one life. You are only 37. And THIS is how you chose to spend the rest your life? I can't even imagine...

I think deep down you know that this thread isn't just a "vent" (your words). It is a cry for help.

This is quite a hurtful post. To say someone 'definitely' isn't into me and maybe never was...what gives you the right to say that with such certainty about a man and relationship you know nothing about? This is AIBU so I expected some harsh responses but this one hurt.

We have two kids together, we have been married 5 years and have built a happy life together. We mutually respect and love one another. We clearly have some communication issues and compatibility differences surrounding sex. Is that worth breaking up a young family for? Maybe for some but not for me.

I posted for advice and have had some helpful responses. Lots of other people have come up with suggestions and reasons why we might be why where are. Age, viagra use, porn, poor communication, lack of experimentation. Yet your explanation is...nah he's just not into you. Not very helpful but incredibly hurtful, so thanks for that.

OP posts:
Abacusporttaco · 30/04/2023 15:58

You don’t seem to be understanding what people say when they mean he’s ruined it with porn, OP. They mean he’s watched porn to the point that having sex with you isn’t fun or exciting anymore.

His porn subject matter may be more varied than his quite specific fetish, but whatever he’s watching, it’s all easy and more exciting to him than choking down a viagra, having a half-arsed shag with his wife, not finishing and having to get her to wank him off.

You’re finding some posts hurtful, but the situation is hurtful. He doesn’t care about how his actions make you feel. He’s respecting you and your sex life, not at all. You’re still relatively young, you shouldn’t be contending with a ‘sex life’ like this.

SaulSobieski · 30/04/2023 16:01

That's quite a big age gap, at your ages.

I do winder at 30 something women selling themselves short with men pretty much old enough to be their da's.

Original poster
katkins23 · 30/04/2023 16:10

Abacusporttaco · 30/04/2023 15:58

You don’t seem to be understanding what people say when they mean he’s ruined it with porn, OP. They mean he’s watched porn to the point that having sex with you isn’t fun or exciting anymore.

His porn subject matter may be more varied than his quite specific fetish, but whatever he’s watching, it’s all easy and more exciting to him than choking down a viagra, having a half-arsed shag with his wife, not finishing and having to get her to wank him off.

You’re finding some posts hurtful, but the situation is hurtful. He doesn’t care about how his actions make you feel. He’s respecting you and your sex life, not at all. You’re still relatively young, you shouldn’t be contending with a ‘sex life’ like this.

I don't disagree regarding the porn usage, it could well be an explanation especially given his particular kink. But it's the accusation that he doesn't care about me that I take exception to because if that was the case he wouldn't even bother 'choking down the viagra'. He wants us to have a sex life, he wants to please me and he does. If he was a selfish pig he'd spend his life wanking and not even attempting sex with me. What isn't pleasing me however is the lack of communication.

I agree though it does feel like I'm contending with a sex life rather than enjoying it. Hence my use of the word unnatural.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 30/04/2023 16:19

My DH started with ED in his early 50’s, he wouldn’t take Viagra. I got fed up of crap sex so we stopped, and that was it. You’re too young for that to be it at your age.

Same1977 · 30/04/2023 16:30

Just like gor women with age comes need for extra stimulation,or perhaps want for a change.My ex was a straight bloke (still is) and he liked toys.One of his favourite was a toy that stimulated prostate whilst having sex.Ann summers is full of this stuff.Best course of action would be honesty and not taking it personally.When it comes to erections it can take couple of mishaps to really make the man so nervous that they can start avoiding sex all together.
It's plays on guys minds a lot.

VoiceOfCommonSense · 30/04/2023 16:56

Haha does he want you to peg him?? Yeah sounds like he might be in the closet sorry..

Blueblell · 30/04/2023 17:06

Lots of things can cause ED like high blood pressure, enlarged prostate ect. He needs to talk to the gp and rule out any health issues.

MayDayMay · 30/04/2023 17:10

He can’t get it up without sploshing, he’s reliant on that kink. It’s like there are three people in the relationship, you, him and the messy food. It won’t ever get better.

DoneWithHer · 30/04/2023 17:11

The male g spot is easiest to access either internally in the bum or externally in the perineum. Wanting to access the doesn't mean he's gay!

I agree with others that porn seems to have ruined him

Choconut · 30/04/2023 17:17

I remember your thread about his fetish, I don't know why you're always so cagey about what it is at first though?

I would have a try with the squirty cream and a vibrating butt plug. It sounds like he's at an age where orgasms are getting more difficult to achieve and he needs all the help he can get. Have some fun and see if it works.

Same1977 · 30/04/2023 17:21

Choconut · 30/04/2023 17:17

I remember your thread about his fetish, I don't know why you're always so cagey about what it is at first though?

I would have a try with the squirty cream and a vibrating butt plug. It sounds like he's at an age where orgasms are getting more difficult to achieve and he needs all the help he can get. Have some fun and see if it works.

This :)

Choconut · 30/04/2023 17:23

Oh and I only ever watch lesbian porn - hasn't 'ruined' me when having sex with DH. I mean death grip might mean that he needs more stimulation than a vagina can give but unless he's wanking a lot it's probably not, DH has a firm grip and it hasn't stopped him.

I'd put it down to his age and being awkward about having a low libido and taking viagra etc.

iklboo · 30/04/2023 17:30

basically he's into sploshing, or fetishes, with food.
there was an episode on csi ny with food fetish

And their was an episode on secret dairy of a call girl with Billy piper, that best showcases a sploshing session

Best typo ever.

Catullus5 · 30/04/2023 20:24

I'm in my late 40s I've noticed in the last few years erectile problems creeping up on me. I can't keep an erection for more than a few minutes without sex and have recently started finding that I can lose it even during vaginal sex. I don't have death grip and porn bores me. I have seen the GP. He's recommended some tests but he says it's likely simply to be age-related. I'm in my late 40s. DW and I fully expect to adapt what we do over time as our bodies age and change so that we can continue enjoying sex with each other.

Even when he keeps it he doesn't finish through PIV and I have to do it with my hand. It's all just very unnatural and demeaning to me.

I suspect this is entirely natural for a lot of men around the age of fifty. It does rather look like it's the future for me. Should you really feel demeaned?

I think the first few replies (presumably before the thread was moved to the sex forum) are really poor, uninformed advice btw.

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