Husband, sex, what's going on

[katkins23]

Should probably post in sex topic but posting here for traffic.

Lots to unpick but the short story is that dh is 13 years older than me (37 and 50) and sex has always been a a bit odd. He claims low libido and uses viagra for ED. I have tried really hard not to make this into an issue and believe it's for his own use/issues/self esteem but I'm really starting to believe it's just me he's not attracted to.

I think he masturbates. I know he has a particular kink (nothing gross or horrible just a bit taboo) that we don't do. He has recently not been getting hard even with viagra or losing his erection during sex with me. Even when he keeps it he doesn't finish through PIV and I have to do it with my hand. It's all just very unnatural and demeaning to me.

This may be TMI but I've also noticed he stimulates either his bum or perineum area when I'm using my hand on him. I don't know what this means.

Clearly the issue here is lack of communication but whenever I ask if he's happy and attracted to me he says yes. I don't want to push the ED issue for fear of embarrassing him. But right now there are so many things going through my mind. Even questioning if he's gay. Or maybe just not attracted to me. What do I do? I enjoy sex with him but feel like he's not getting much from it. And I can't work out if there are his issues or if it's simply not me doing it for him,

He's just not into sex so much anymore? Not sure it's anything to worry about if you're both happy. There's always one person in the couple who wants more/less sex than the other. Maybe take the pressure off

I agree @Catullus5
The lazy and really pathetic 'death grip and porn' bollocks rolled out by some people on the other side of MN is utter tripe in my opinion.

@katkins23 23 "I have to do it with my hand. It's all just very unnatural and demeaning to me"

I don't know why you should feel this way? It isn't a reflection on you. An erection is a fickle beast. He might feel the fact that you have to finish him off by hand demeaning to him. If you show you enjoy it and you both enjoy yourself, then it doesnt matter how you both get there does it?

Thank you for this. And thank you @Catullus5 too. I guess I take it personally because I feel like there must be something wrong with either my body or my technique that means he can't climax from it

But I can see there are other people of a similar age who struggle with the same sort of issues so it's not necessarily the death grip, ruined by porn, just not that into me scenario that I'd feared.

I would like to communicate a bit more openly. Whenever I've expressed concerns before he just tells me that he is attracted to me and there are no issues other than his ED. But he's not exactly likely to admit it if he didn't fancy me is he? We probably just need to shake things up a little bit.

@katkins23 Thank you. Twenty years - even ten years ago - I had much more natural desire than now, got turned on much more easily, and orgasmed much more easily. Everything worked better, basically! Things declined much more quickly when I hit my 40s. From what I read this is entirely normal. So I don't think there's any good reason to believe there's anything wrong with your body or your technique. It is probably simply that your DH has slowed up.

I think you should believe his claim that he's still attracted to you - you simply need to be aware that attraction feels very different for a man my age to one who is 21.

Shaking things up is the right way to think about it :-)

Just because he wants to be pegged or enjoys things up his bum doesn't mean he is in the closet or even gay.

Its a very enjoyable experience which lots of straight men partake in

Please don't post things like this outside of the sex board @katkins23 There's a reason why it was created!

I know you wanted traffic, but honestly - we don't need to read about this stuff outside of the sex board. Thank goodness it's been moved.

Yes, thank goodness there will be some well considered responses now it's been moved, rather than the 'he liked stuff up his bum therefore he must be gay' and 'death grip over use of porn' crap spouted elsewhere.
Feel free to scroll on by @BIWI if you don't want to read it, where ever it is posted.

Many men like to be touched on their perineum or anus during sex. It most certainly has nothing to do with his sexuality, it's just an erogenous zone. Why don't you just ask him if he'd like you to do it? You don't have to go as far as inserting anything if you don't want to.

Re. the sploshing... I remember your previous post about this. Ok, so you think it's silly? What's wrong with silly during sex? I'd never advocate doing things you're not comfortable with but sitting on a victoria sponge whilst kissing your DH can't be the worst thing in the world, surely?!

I agree with @Catullus5 that the ED is likely an age thing. Have you told him that finishing him by hand makes you feel undesirable? If you don't communicate, things will not get worse.

With respect @MovingonfromMartin, this is why there is a sex topic.

And also, frankly, surely you will get more considered and more appropriate responses if it's posted in the sex topic?

Death grip, porn use, must be gay stuff..... This doesn't often come up unless the OP posts on the other side first.

Ah sorry @BIWI I agree!

Not quite, since as I'm sure you know a few vocal mumsnetters was not impressed when the sex category was put inactive, so I'm guessing this got the replys it did to begin with from being in active, even if under the wrong category.

Yes, @Hawkins003, lots of us don't want posts like this in Active. That's why MNHQ reconsidered their decision to include the Sex topic in Active.

Posting for traffic - about any issue - only creates a vicious circle. There's no traffic on a board, so I'll post in AIBU, which means there's no traffic on that board ...

Apologies for posting in the wrong board, didn't mean to cause offence.

I don't understand the big issue with posting on the "wrong topic". Sex is clearly written in the thread title, don't click into it if you don't want to read about it! 🙄

There was a big hoo ha recently when mumsnet allowed sex threads to be in active. People who don't want to read about sex got the hump because they kept seeing thread titles such as 'ANAL SEX' and 'how to rim your man' in active and people who post on the sex threads got the hump because non sex people kept posting things like 'ew gross' and 'your partner is a porn addled death grip wanker' and both groups were unhappy.
the conclusion was that sex people should be allowed to talk about sex without being told off but non sex people shouldn't have to see anal sex chat with their cornflakes. Best to keep to the spaces provided really as the crossover was annoying for all involved.

Try pegging, sounds like he would like to try but scared to ask

@katkins23 hopefully you have had some more insightful responses now that your post has been moved to the sex board. @PinotPony makes many a good point in her post.
There's a few things that might be worth considering:
Did DH get the Viagra prescribed by the GP? Has he had bloods taken to rule out other causes for ED? (Eg, diabetes).
Has he had his Testosterone levels checked?
Cialis might be a better option than Viagra as the effects tend to last longer. Worth a try. The chaps on here might be able to explain why C is better than V, in real terms.
Is DH taking any meds that can affect erections? Anti depressants can do this for some people.
It is totally normal to experience a slowing down with desire in DHs age group & the intensity of orgasms can reduce.
I wonder if the anal stimulation is hubby trying to "feel something" if he knows that he is likely to experience ED. It amazes me how we are now so on board with anal play for women, but as soon as it is mentioned for men, people start claiming he must be gay. As @PinotPony says, talk to him about whether he wants you to try touching him in that area.
If you have a look through the ED threads on this board, you will see lots of comments from men explaining that their ED is absolutely nothing to do with a lack of desire for their DWs. It does become anxiety inducing though when ED happens and this tends to feed that anxious spiral of worrying about it & then not getting an erection.
Lastly, there were lots of comments about porn & death grip. I don't know if there is real evidence to back that claim up (and it probably doesn't even apply to your DH), but there is really interesting research evidence that tells us that watching porn does change how the brain processes it. As we know it can cause arousal, but watching lots of porn can change things & make the brain react to watching people having sex. I thought this was interesting, when I heard it recently. Essentially the research found that porn was training people to become aroused more from the watching of others and this potentially could reduce the usual desired effect of watching porn.
I think you won't be able to answer these concerns without sitting down together & talking it through. It might be difficult to start with but hopefully worth it for the both of you.

I would introduce some food into the bedroom & see what happens!!