Feeling ashamed…

[DrYaz]

For context: I live in a small village with a good life. We were due to go away over the BH weekend and I’d asked my neighbours to feed the cat… the H said he would be able to as his wife/kids were away and he had work.

Friday night we changed our plans and didn’t go away. I went down the path that separates our two properties (private and gated) and down the steps to tell him we didn’t need him. Except as I walked into the garden I could see he was masturbating. He had his back turned to the door so I could only see the back but it was obvious what he was doing. At this point I should have walked away but I’m ashamed to say I didn’t. I watched. Only sneaking away when it was obvious he finished. I don’t know why I did this, I was bought up to believe the act itself and certainly watching someone else is a big sin and therefore feel so much guilt. I can’t tell my H, I certainly can’t confess to him or his wife but I’m tearing myself up with guilt and shame.

I can only offer a male perspective here. You were curious and in the moment probably enjoyed watching which I think is natural. If it was me I definitely wouldn’t want you to say anything but also wouldn’t be upset either. You clearly have a religious/cultural background and that is causing the conflict. You didn’t act in horror but probably enjoyed part of seeing him doing that. Strip away the religious part and youll
see you have acted in an entirely human, curious way.

There isn’t anything to be gained by admitting to anyone what happened, it would make things so awkward for the man and your husband. So unfortunately it isn’t possible to apologise. I won’t comment on the religious aspect as I’m not a religious person. It was a one off digression caused by a specific series of events and you can ensure it won’t happen again.

Curiosity got the better of you!
Don't say a word. It's over and done with now. Leave it to rest.

Aside from your religious/ cultural beliefs, you will come to realise this is a normal, common and healthy activity.

Sounds a lot like something I read the other day on here but in reverse. Same poster?

Probably. Sounds a bit off to me. Hard to tell on this topic though.

I definitely haven’t posted on this before.. is the reverse from the man’s side do you mean? Can you link it, might help me to read it.

I do agree with everyone that I can’t say anything but I keep going over in my head. The images flash back in mind and I feel shame again.

And yes Feynman, natural human curiosity I guess… I always thought I had more control over that side of things… I’ve never masturbated despite temptation at times.

If you only saw his back how do you know he was masturbating. He could have been doing something completely different, maybe polishing some metal or shaking something?

Not sure why you don’t @DrYaz . I can’t see how religion stops someone masturbating. Most natural thing in the world to do I think and surely any god wouldn’t design a clitoris and not want you to use it!?

but, I’m neither female or religious so what do I know

@Yorkieboy I think it would be fairly obvious and not sure she should go and ask if he was shaking a can for 10 minutes

Why do you feel shame?? You haven't been doing it?

@Runaround50 Im guessing the Shame is from actively watching (and I’m inferring secretly enjoying it).

@FeynmanRocks yes you are probably right. Oh well, it's done now. Onwards and upwards

@FeynmanRocks I think ‘shaking a can’ is a great euphemism 😁

@DrYaz sexuality and shame don’t have to go hand in hand, Emily Nagoski has a fantastic book called ‘Come As You Are’ and I think you might find it liberating.

@Yorkieboy I know what it is and it was definitely that.

@FeynmanRocks You are right. My shame is watching (I should have ran away in horror) and the biggest shame is enjoying watching. I can admit that to a forum of strangers but to no one in real life. The religion and masturbation argument is one I’ve toiled with… many divided opinions. I have started and then felt guilt and stopped.

@Mermaidparades Thank you. I wish I could get rid of the shame and I will look at this book.

I wonder how common it is for religious women to masturbate. No one ever talks about that in my friends or family.

I have read that some believe (in my religion) that it is acceptable for a man to do it to relieve tension and stop sexual thought. I often wonder is this applies to women but sometimes religion is harder to women I think.

@Mermaidparades Shaking a can is an excellent euphemism that I’ve never used before! Accidental euphemisms! Is that book worthwhile for a man to read?

@DrYaz I imagine lots of women do. From what you describe you enjoyed watching another man, have flashbacks to it and have desire (you want to M and stop). You’ve researched M and religion… you clearly want to be given permission to pleasure yourself. Personally, and again not religious, I say go to it.

Ugh..yes the patriarchy and many organised religions are entwined, at the expense of women and queer members.

@Mermaidparades I agree. How is it ok for men and not women, illogical and backward (just my opinion).

personally hope the OP is now pleasuring herself and realising how it suppressing her natural
desires

Masturbation for both genders is normal, healthy and positive. It's something most people do. As a woman in her 40s with a healthy regular sex life, I participate most days; the needs are totally different.

Obviously it is not something you should participate in, where you can easily be seen by acquaintances.

Just let the one go from your head.

True - although some of us are trying very hard to change this.

I can see why religion has a downer on sex - sex gets in the way of contemplation.

No, the 'shame' is violating your neighbours privacy. It's wrong to spy on people when they believe they're alone. But then, if he was wanking in the garden, maybe he wanted to be seen??

@Catullus5 it was wrong of me to make such a sweeping statement and I apologise if I caused offence. I’m glad there are people like you trying to bring in change, I wish you well 💗 it can’t come soon enough!

Masturbation is not a sin and is nothing to be ashamed of (for men or women). It's perfectly natural and there are many health benefits.

Any religion or spiritual practice which makes you feel shame for having a natural human reaction should be discarded in my opinion.

However, masturbation in the garden where an unsuspecting neighbour might observe is, at best, unwise. What an odd thing for him to do...

Don't feel bad about watching him. You were curious. It's ok to be curious. You've not harmed anybody or done anything wrong.