Feeling ashamed…

[DrYaz]

For context: I live in a small village with a good life. We were due to go away over the BH weekend and I’d asked my neighbours to feed the cat… the H said he would be able to as his wife/kids were away and he had work.

Friday night we changed our plans and didn’t go away. I went down the path that separates our two properties (private and gated) and down the steps to tell him we didn’t need him. Except as I walked into the garden I could see he was masturbating. He had his back turned to the door so I could only see the back but it was obvious what he was doing. At this point I should have walked away but I’m ashamed to say I didn’t. I watched. Only sneaking away when it was obvious he finished. I don’t know why I did this, I was bought up to believe the act itself and certainly watching someone else is a big sin and therefore feel so much guilt. I can’t tell my H, I certainly can’t confess to him or his wife but I’m tearing myself up with guilt and shame.

Thanks for the support @Mermaidparades

There's really no need to apologise- I don't think anything you said was inaccurate!

Sadly there are no parts of my garden that are not overlooked..I have checked!

My guess is yiu have not watched yiur husband masturbate. Masturbation is a perfectly normal thing to do. There is no shame in it. I was a late developer,I didn't think I was sexual at all. I have had two relationships, the sex was crap in the first one. In the 2nd one we laughed avd loved each other in and out of the bedroom. We both masturbated together. He used my toys on me and I did with him. Pleasure yourself. It natural.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. To clarify, he was in his in his house, at the kitchen table, I was in his garden/gate and saw through the door windows.

I saw him yesterday and I thought I’d die from embarrassment but it was normal. That’s made me feel better actually.

@BCBird No, my DH says he doesn’t masturbate. I’ve never seen anyone before.

As for religion and sex… it is something I’ve always struggled with as an educated woman. I’ve only orgasmed once, have never masturbated despite feeling the urge often. This urge has increased with peri menopause and my H is not interested at all. Sex is a taboo subject in my family and amongst friends so I can’t talk to anyone.

Why don't you give in to the urges and experiment with masturbation? You've only experienced orgasm once? You don't know what you are missing, honestly.

I appreciate religion/shame/ taboo come into play here, but peri menopause as you are finding out, can exacerbate sexual feelings and they can be pretty intense at times (i know!) To keep resisting these urges, could make you feel frustrated and bitter towards your religion and husband. There is no shame and no one need ever know.

It's good you faced our neighbour and you feel okay.

OP, this thread has gone much further than the initial post. Your body is a temple, its own temple, there is nothing remotely wrong, sinful or wicked about fully enjoying its potential and what it has to offer.

@StarlightLady beautifully put 💗

I love this.

We can cherish our God-given bodies.

@DrYaz may I ask what religion you've followed?

@Catullus5 Im Muslim. But liberal in outlook perhaps. It’s Ramadan too so these thoughts are especially wrong currently.
@Runaround50 you are right, the thoughts are very hard to ignore, and I’ve struggled for the past year. DP doesn’t want sex much anymore. I can’t stop wanting it despite attempts to push the thoughts aside.
@StarlightLady You are probably correct. There have been times in the bath that I have started to explore but then stop as it feels I shouldn’t.

I just want to thank you ladies (and men) for allowing me to say this… I don’t have any other place. I think, once Ramadan is over, I will start to explore my body more and learn to feel less guilt about something very natural

Do come back if we can help further, or feel free to PM me. Your clitoris has one soul purpose; your pleasure.

@DrYaz I really feel for you right now. Sexual repression, well it's not nice and I think you deserve to feel good in your body.

Does your DP have a low sex drive? Could he be persuaded to become involved in some mutual masturbation with you?

Psychologically, you need to give yourself permission to allow you to-feel the wonders of the human body.

Next time you are in the bath, say to yourself, my body, my pleasure...😊

The good ladies and men of this forum will be able to direct you to some lovely erotic literature should you require it to help you.

Good luck 🤞

Thank you @StarlightLady and @Runaround50

I don't know very much about Islam but from a Christian perspective the Bible has a very positive and celebratory view of the human body and of sex. Just read "Song of Songs", for example - love poetry between a man and woman describing their longing for uninhibited physical lovemaking of the most sensual kind.

There is also nothing in the Bible which explicitly forbids masturbation although theological commentators over the centuries have tried to imply that there is, which has led, I sincerely believe, to erroneous teaching from the Church - certainly in the past - saying that masturbation is "wrong", a "sin" and so on. The Christian Church has always struggled to address sex "well" and continues to be in a muddle about it even today.

DW and I are both Christian believers and we both masturbate - alone and together. We are entirely happy that it is perfectly fine, natural, normal and that God does not disapprove and it is to be enjoyed and celebrated.

I'm not a Christian, but my understanding is that the prohibition of masturbation was based on the idea it's incompatible with human dignity, (hence why it used to be termed 'self-abuse'). As recently as the 1950s boys were warned that they would grow hairs on their palms if they wanked. Adults didn't really believe this would happen, but it was a symbol of the mental and spiritual degradation caused by masturbation.
Moreover, Christians believed that our sexuality is something that God intended us to share with another in the context of loving relationship (marriage) rather than keep selfishly to ourselves. The idea of 'sex for one' just wouldn't exist in a Christian society, because with the Faith, sex is conceptualised as intrinsically relational.

When you see the degraded conditions that a lot of masturbation-addicted men live in, the bizarre fetishes that so many people have developed (adult diapers, anyone? 🤮), and the association between porn and divorce, it's hard to say the Christians had it all wrong.

@Iloveabaconbutty
Do you think about women other than your wife when you wank? If yes, then isn't that adultery according to the definition Jesus himself outlined?

Nothing wrong with masturbating. Doing it in a place that's not completely private is dodgy. But standing - hiding - watching someone when they don't know you're there is also very dodgy. Not sure why people on here are so keen to say it's okay keep watching someone uninvited after the initial shock has passed and it's become a conscious decision to do so. That part has nothing to do with religion.

@AbsolutePixels I'm not saying that Christianity has it all wrong. Sex (and maybe especially because it is such a powerful human experience) clearly sometimes goes horrendously wrong and can lead to some fairly damaging experiences.

All I am saying here is that in my honest opinion there is nothing "wrong" about masturbation, per se, and all the nonsense peddled by some churches in the past about hair growing on palms, of it draining the potency of males, of driving people insane is total nonsense.

And my honest answer (to your very direct question) is no, either I think about my wife or just generally enjoy the sensation without any particular thoughts at all when I masturbate.

Not sure why people on here are so keen to say it's okay keep watching someone uninvited after the initial shock has passed and it's become a conscious decision to do so. That part has nothing to do with religion

Totally agree with this. I'd be raging if my neighbour entered my property unannounced and then spied on me in this way.

And my honest answer (to your very direct question) is no, either I think about my wife or just generally enjoy the sensation without any particular thoughts at all when I masturbate.

This sounds really wholesome. I hope it didn't sound like I was excoriating you. I'm certainly no angel.

However... even though I'm essentially an atheist, it really annoys me when Christians attack the basic precepts of their own faith. It's like you're shaping the religion around your behaviour instead of changing your behaviour to conform with the Christian teachings.

Most people on this board have a liberal ethos which says sex acts are not intrinsically good or bad, they're are good if all parties consent and bad if consent is infringed. I think this view is highly problematic, but it is at least internally coherent. A mashup of Christian ethics with liberal sexual praxis makes no sense whatsoever!!

@DrYaz
We are also at the end of Lent, which like Ramadan is a fast. They're there for a purpose. It's right to put things out of the way to get back to basics and reorientate onesself, and to acknowledge that they are unhelpful at that time. Also I do agree with the other remarks about privacy.

@Iloveabaconbutty
I hear what you say but it leaves out of account that Christianity traditionally teaches not just that Christ was celebate but that he was concieved without sex. There is a sense throughout the New Testament that while sex is what it is, it's a distraction from holiness, contemplation, prayer, meditation etc and just generally a problem, and I think that, together with a lack of reliable contraception until recent times, has informed Christianity's teaching on these things.

@AbsolutePixels
However... even though I'm essentially an atheist, it really annoys me when Christians attack the basic precepts of their own faith. It's like you're shaping the religion around your behaviour instead of changing your behaviour to conform with the Christian teachings.

It's important to be at least a bit self-critical of one's beliefs, regardless of whether they involve religion or not. Everyone should do this. Otherwise how will you ever know if you're wrong about something? On the other hand if you mean it's wrong to try to have one's cake and eat it then I agree.

For myself I realised in my teens that Christian ideas of sexual continence in the mind - leastways as taught to me - were simply impossible for me to keep. I decided that there was no point in torturing myself about this and I'm very glad that I came to that conclusion when I did. I'm married but I do fantasise about other women. It's just a (discreet) part of who I am, and trying to stop would be pointless and just cause damage. I'm not proud or ashamed of this: it's just part of my imperfect self and I've never cheated on anyone in my entire life.

I just wanted to update people. Quite a lot has happened thanks to your support and advice. @StarlightLady i might take you up on the offer of DM support.

I have recognised that the perimenopause sex surge is affecting me badly. I spoke to husband who has supporting me well. He has said he will try to help, more regular sex. Problem is he is quick and no contraception so he fears another baby. He has said he will try to make me orgasm to feel better and is open to learn. He also admitted that he masturbates already and agrees I should too. No shame or sin.. all natural as you have said here. On Saturday I will try to achieve orgasm on my own for the first time. We have also discussed trying oral sex in the future as a no pregnancy risk way of doing sex but neither have any real idea how. Maybe fun to try, I don’t know. A very positive conversation that I hope will bring us closer. I didn’t tell him what I watched though.

I told my neighbour and his wife what I did. I couldn’t live with the guilt. I cried and cried when I did this but both were really kind and gave me a big hug. The wife sent me a message later to check I was ok and that husband was fine. They won’t tell my husband.

I also had a man message me here with perverted intentions. He has been blocked.

so busy and successful few days

You told them and they gave you a hug? Sure thing.

Wow erm I'm surprised nobody actually said "who wanks in the garden?"

The fact you told them and they gave you a hug is a bit strange too, what did you say to them? Why don't you feel you can tell your husband but you can tell the other guys wife?

I'd have thought that's the sort of thing you should keep to yourself to stop embarrassment etc.

@CandidClarisse - I think you need to re-read the complete thread. I'm sure many people may have thought if not said "who wanks in the garden?" But nothing happened in the garden, it was seen from the garden. A big difference

These sex topic threads sure do escalate.

Ok apologies I misunderstood that part so you went into their garden and could see him through the door or window I assume