Can Escorts save relationships?

[MrSilly]

Obvs i read a lot on here about women finding out their OH's escort liaisons. I totally get the heart break that can cause and the resultant mistrust and ending of relationships, home lives and the effect is has on children. I get it all, honestly. The reasons for it are varied and not good in any case where a relationship has been formed in any guise.
I find myself in a situation where i have only made love to my wife perhaps 10 x in the last three years with her seemingly not being into sex rebuking most advances of cuddling, kissing etc. She has work and she works long hours as we both do. There is a distinct lack of love physically even if we do both still love one another.
I miss the touch of soft skin, being passionate and loving and just being that way. We don't kiss as she always finds excuses etc.
We've chatted but never in too much depth. I'm getting to the point where I'm looking to have a connection with someone to match what we had. I don't want to have an affair and I don't want to leave my wife either. Having a time experiencing passion with an escort (I know on her part it won't be real) will help me maintain the relationship in the way it has morphed. The connection not the act itself will be what I'm looking for.
I know many will never think escorts are a suitable solution to the problems relationships face but can such a consideration actually help a relationship in some way?
I'm putting this out there so go easy...

You miss the intimate connection with your wife that comes from sex, but a one sided connection with a woman whom you pay (it's not about the act! Honest!) will save your marriage?
Which is it?

And no, men cheating with prostitutes usually doesn't save a marriage. It usually ends the marriage if the wife finds out about it.

Depends who it is

The OP might find am escort/prostitute who really enjoys their job and gets so turned on at the sight of him she absolutely wants to have sex with him

On the other hand it's far more likely to be someone who has been sex trafficked and coerced into it. And that's rape

Unless the OP is caring enough to come up with some surefire way to find a prostitute who loves their job (whilst not being caring enough to rekindle his relationship with his wife and instead decided to pay to cheat on her) then he's open to rape. He even said he knows the woman won't experience real passion

I'm inclined to think I know the answer to why the OPs wife is not longer interested in sex with him if he doesn't care whether his partner experiences passion or not

It is rape if it's a trafficked woman. The clients pay the pimp to be able to rape her. She never gave consent.
In many other cases with vulnerable women abused or addicted, I would also consider it rape.

We've chatted but never in too much depth.
You resort to an escort rather than giving talking another go, because... why exactly? Couples therapy is probably cheaper than an escort.

As an ex-escort or sex therapist because not all meets are sex but talking and connecting, im going to ignore the pearl clutching and offensive comments above because as an adult we are capable of making choices.

It won't save your relationship because I should imagine your wife wouldn't be happy with the suggestion nor would she if she found out.
Every man has needs and life is short, you have to ask yourself if you want to stay in a sexless relationship, if your wife still finds you attractive or if her self esteem is damaged/health issues etc.

How much of a connection you have, me and my husband swing - would that be a possible option? Do you do anything together? Does she run the household and just drained?

Alot of men feel guilt after a meeting (not that it stops them) so you really should have a good think but meeting escorts because it soon gets addictive for a man and he should always remember they are using a service and under no illusion that it will become a relationship or fix one.

Though most of a meet is talking (not many guys want an hour or two of solid sex) it's a good way to vent without judgement.

Neither your wife nor any 'escort' owes you sex, even if you pay her.

The sex topic overspill is grim as fuck.

You can't buy consent.

Please read that over and over until it sinks in.

Well obviously it's not going to help save your marriage 🙄. It's daft logic to think scratching that itch with someone else will fix things. Do you think it's less hurtful than an affair it's not a 'relationship' is that it?!?

Also as a previous poster said you have to have that discussion about how you're feeling. Really think about what has happened that you're not connecting as you used to. Are you making time for each other to do nice things (even just watching a tv series together or meeting friends at the pub sometimes or whatever you enjoy together).

You mention you're wife is working long hours think of ways you can help her not feel utterly shattered outside of work.

How much of the mental load do you take on? I.e. how much life drudge do you take responsibility for without being asked? Do you empty the dishwasher regularly? Clean the bathroom? Remember birthdays and buy cards/ gifts? I don't mean occasionally are you the default person for anything like that? Try doing more and she may over time be less tired and have more space for intimacy. I'm not saying if you do these things she owes you a shag btw. You should be doing them anyway. You may well be already, but really think about if you are taking responsibility for them or only doing things if you're asked to. If you're only doing them when asked to then you're only doing half the job, the remembering is sitting with yr wife. It will be slowly and quietly wearing her out and pissing her off.

Do nice little things like make her cups of tea, tell her what you love about her. These things will help get things on the right track and sex will hopefully follow.

Thats my opinion anyway since you asked. Good luck.

It seems bizarre that you haven't even talked to your wife about this.

A couple of questions. Do you genuinely share the house work, house admin, childcare 50/50?

Have you tried to have a proper conversation about the lack of sex with your wife? Do you understand her perspective?

As an ex-escort or sex therapist because not all meets are sex but talking and connecting, im going to ignore the pearl clutching and offensive comments above because as an adult we are capable of making choices.

Do explain how a sex trafficked slave has choices?

Deriding an industry because it uses and drives the use of slavery (not just in prostitution itself but in the drugs trade and other criminal enterprises it sits along side and fuels) is not pearl clutching or offensive.

Although I have a feeling people who historically condemned trades that led to slavery were also called the equivalent of the modern day 'pearl clutchers'

Is it?

I've worked with prostituted women, girl, boys and men in more than one country over three decades. I personally know a few workers.

I've managed to have no sex without free, enthusiastic consent.

I'd say I'm reasoned.

There's also people who do it that actually enjoy it (my friend is one). It grosses me out and it's a bit hatf mot to judge her, but I try. OP wanted some advice so that was mine. I also assumed OP would be discussing with his wife and not going behind her back. If all parties agree and are happy with it, what is the issue.

Yes but unless there is some secret signal, how does the OP know whether he is getting someone who wants to be there or a slave who may have been sex trafficked as a teenager?

He said he knew the woman wouldn't get real passion from the sex so it doesn't sound like he's someone who actually cares whether the woman enjoys it or not, so he doesn't sound like someone who would go out of his way to find one of the very rare women who apparently enjoy it

Oh come off it, I know many escorts and we are working for ourselves. Maybe stop tarring everyone with the same brush.

You know the difference between trafficked ones because its purely sex and they do 10 mins- most of us have a minimum service booking of an hour, and not based in some dingy brothel or on kerbs.

Plus on certain websites you have ID to show your nationality as some are more prone to the dodgy side then others.

It's about educating yourself and looking for signs of trafficked people and not funding the criminals.

And what about the OPs statement that he knows the woman won't experience 'passion' but he's willing to sleep with her anyway gave you the absolute confidence to know he will look for signs of trafficked people?

You are obviously quite invested in this, I have talked to men who have experienced trafficking and just assumed it was because women don't enjoy sex, (like their wives) after meeting proper escorts they can tell the difference. How can men have these conversations and look for signs if they are shouted down and called rapists etc. You aren't educating men on making responsible choices when they are made to feel ashamed for asking questions.

Would you be happy with your wife going to a male prostitute? I know you have dressed it up with the term escort but we all know you mean prostitute. Work on communication with your wife, be honest with her and seek counselling before you pay a woman for sex. It will make your wife much, much less likely to have any sexual interest in you if you do pay a woman for sex and also you’ll be a man who has paid for sex, not a great club to be a member of.

I am invested in stopping sex trafficking and modern slavery, why wouldn't i be? It's not that bizarre

Sleeping with prostitutes behind your wife's back instead of having a proper conversation with her isn't a responsible choice, so there is no way I can educate men on that.

I also don't hold myself responsible as a woman to educate men on responsible choices. They too can educate themselves. I speak for teenagers and young adults who are stolen or sold into slavery. I have no interest in whether that makes people feel ashamed or not

Excellent post

I'd assume you would get a certain impression, as well as an accent from certain countries would be a giveaway. I would think it would be obvious if someone was there reluctantly. I haven't experienced it myself but I'd assume like anything there's a range and it's not all black and white.

My god, the assumptions and prejudices in your post. All to justify men paying women for sex.

Ditto

Why are you asking us here? Our opinions, pro or con, have no relevance. You need to ask your WIFE if she thinks you seeing an 'escort' will save your marriage. Her opinion is the only one that matters. Don't be surprised if she says 'no'.

By 'proper escorts' you mean prostitutes of course.

And there are no 'responsible choices' here; paying someone to let you do sex to them is degrading and disgusting for both participants.