Should I be annoyed that my partner watches porn?

[babyloon13]

So I know lots of opinions on this topic will vary. However, I've been away for the weekend with friends and got home today and have since found out my partner has been watching porn and pleasuring himself whilst I've been away. I can't help but feel it's a little disrespectful; as why would you want to take pleasure by watching other women etc? I know he doesn't know them but personally I wouldn't ever look at anybody else in an intimate way to pleasure myself, including porn. Am I being unreasonable for feeling a little upset? He knows I don't like it and has said before he won't watch it anymore, but I know he has multiple times since he said he'd stop.

You aren't unreasonable to feel aggrieved by him watching porn. It's ethically dubious and gives men a very unrealistic expectation of sex/intimacy. The issue herein lies because to him it's not as big of a deal as it is to you and the subsequent lying over it. As such you need to decide how much of a dealbreaker the porn is for you? If he's still watching it multiple times after you've expressed your dislike for him engaging with it then your options are either end the relationship or learn to live with it. Mind you to him it probably seems like a harmless bit of fun so you need to figure out just how big of a deal it is for you.

No, you need to grow up. (From a Wife!)

I do not like it based on the amount of women in the sex industry who are there because of their vulnerability. It's a bit ick to be getting off on it after acknowledging that.

Well yes it's gross and disrespectful.

More importantly, there's almost no way to tell if the people involved really consent (and even if they have technically, if they had an actual real choice).

Because it's so dubious, anyone who uses porn, much like anyone who uses prostitutes, is contemptible.

Then you must hold in contempt roughly 98% of the adult population. How does it feel in your ivory tower?

Nothing wrong with a grown adult watching grown adult porn in his or her own home. Almost all of us do it occassionaly.

I do, yeah. It's horrible. I honestly don't know how you could wank away knowing that.

I wasn’t sure until v recently if my DH watched porn. I don’t think he did when we first got together - but then we had a lot more sex. Now we have two young kids it’s a bit of a relief if he is finding an outlet that isn’t me (or another physical woman). I find it deeply uncomfortable but respect it as a means to an end. I think most adults are able to differentiate between porn and real women - in much the same way we don’t expect every other woman to look like a model from a magazine.

You are asking the wrong web forum OP. No boyfriends or husbands of any member here ever watches porn.

If porn is a dealbreaker for you then he’s crossed a line.
If you’ve discussed this and he’s still watching it’s very disrespectful to you.
For me it’s the fact that too many women are trafficked and coerced into porn, and anyone getting their kicks from watching it is really quite revolting.

At the end of the day you probably need to have a proper conversation about it, and decide whether you’re able to put up with it, or if he’s able to stop watching it. Either way it’s a compromise from one of you if the relationship is to work.

I think most men do this and it's naive to think they don't, however he can be discreet about it. That's the part I'd be annoyed about

There's two issues here.

The ethics of porn and how you feel about the potential abuse of porn.

The other is you feeling disrespected because he's looking at other women.

Can you honestly say every time you pleasure yourself the scenario in your head includes your partner and nobody else?

Male arousal is very visually inclined and they don't have the depth of imagination women do, generally speaking.

Only you can decide if its a deal breaker.

In your head is not the same as watching abuse/rape on a screen.

If men don't have the same depth of imagination as women then why are so many of them bestselling authors/artists/musicians?

Utter nonsense.

I think that so many people see porn as just moving images on a screen shows how little empathy humans have for each other

It gives me the ick yes but who am I to tell him what he can and can't do in private if it's not hurting anyone? It's better than him going out for a dodgy massage at those places where they do happy endings.

It 100% does not bother me.

How did you find out? Did he tell you?

It's an issue that he's done something he said he wouldn't

YANBU. It’s a vile industry. Men banging one out to images of abuse - not something I want in a relationship.

I wouldn't want to go out with someone who fancied other women, yet alone wanked over other women, no. If you're in love with one another you don't fancy random people.

Aside from that, it's objectifying women, so it's a huge red flag if any man does that.

Then on top of that there are the concerns about the consent if the women involved.

There are plenty of people, men and women, who feel this way, we're not in an ivory tower at all, just people in happy, healthy relationships who are feminists so do not get off on objectifying and demeaning women.

He's hurting people by participating in misogynistic oppression and objectification, perpetuating sexist attitudes and funding industries based on it.

It's going to be the eventual downfall of society imo. women don't want have sex with pornsick men. Men don't want to have sex with women who are not porn sick.

It's better than him going out for a dodgy massage at those places where they do happy endings.

Why is this always the choice offered? Are men that incapable of resisting their urges?

Can he not use his imagination if his partner understandably finds porn use unacceptable?

Why is there such a low bar set for men?

I can see it as 2 seperate issues, either or both of which the OP is perfectly entitled to see as a red line.

You see it as a single overpowering issue, that's fine by me.

I do think women write far better erotica than men but my knowledge is not extensive.

Amazing how many porn apologists always pop up on these threads...

You have the right to feel disgusted/disappointed/annoyed or whatever else you feel about this. Your reactions are perfectly valid.

I think we have been gaslighted into accepting that watching porn is ''harmless'' and that it is something that ''all men do''.

Porn is not harmless and never was: women being coerced or unaware that they are being filmed; scenarios that routinely show violence and degrading acts against women ; men thinking that what they see in porn is a real representation of sex and expecting women in real life to behave like the women they see on the screen; people becoming addicted to it and unable to form real relationships....

The fact that porn has become so easily available online has done incredible damage to relationships in the past 10/20 years by giving men completely unrealistic views of sex.

Porn is just another industry, its goal is not to make people's sex lives better or to educate people about sex. It is there to make money and keep people hooked, which includes showing increasingly more extreme scenarios.

Some of the comments on this thread are very naive. I used to have a much more relaxed views on porn and watched it myself. Then I became more informed of what this industry is really like and the effect it had on viewers.

I also met too many men while I was dating who had been so wrapped by porn and now only saw women as objects to abuse and were completely unable to relate to me as a human being and not a sex toy.

''@macaronicheese123 · Today 19:52
No, you need to grow up. (From a Wife!)''

You're the one who needs to grow the hell up...

For me, it would depend entirely on what type of porn he was watching. There's a huge difference between Pornhub and ethical porn such as Make Love Not Porn.

I agree with @PinotPony, does depend on what he's watching.

My DW and I film some of our time together so that in between our Sexy time (my drive is higher then hers) I have something particularly scrumptious to view and enjoy.

We do watch some Porn together but it's early 70's French stuff which we use as a Starter for ten and/or ideas for sexy lingerie.

Good luck