Is it OK for me to see an escort?

[TTA123]

Me and my wife are both 45. She went through early menopause about 6 years ago. We both love each other very much. We haven't had any sort of sex for 5 years because of pain due to vaginal atrophy and her low libido. HRT is out of the question due to history of breast cancer. We have two children (adults now). It doesn't look like our sex-life is ever going to get back on track and she's told me the same as we've discussed this at length in the past and I don't want to keep pestering her so we just don't talk about it any more.

The problem is I am still young(ish) and have a fairly high sex-drive. I would never emotionally betray her by having an affair, but I am considering seeing an escort - not a street-worker, but a professional self-employed business woman who charges £300-£400 per hour. I have plenty of money (sorry!) so I'm not going to be depriving my family financially. Before I take this step I just thought I'd put it out there on Mumsnet. What do you all think? Don't worry, I'm expecting to get an extremely wide range of responses to this! Speak your minds.

Why do you want know what we think? What does your Wife think?

I think it's acceptable if done responsibly and with her general consent.

Lucky you to be able to spend hundreds on an escort! That's my weekly wage!

Anyway, why don't you spend that cash on a decent menopause specialist? A specialist will often prescribe transdermal HRT ( patch, gel or spray ). I've had BC and take HRT under the guidance of a menopause specialist. Few women are actually unable to take HRT with a history of BC.

Re: the VA, your wife needs to ask for vagifem and Ovestin cream. Both contain a tiny amount of oestrogen which will resolve the discomfort of VA considerably I would think.

All is not lost. A specialist can also prescribe testosterone for women. This is prescribed specifically for low libido.

'Anyway, why don't you spend that cash on a decent menopause specialist? A specialist will often prescribe transdermal HRT ( patch, gel or spray ). I've had BC and take HRT under the guidance of a menopause specialist. Few women are actually unable to take HRT with a history of BC.'

Exactly. Or leave, or have an open relationship where she sees someone too. You never know with the right person her sex drive may return.

I think with no sex for 5 years, I wouldn't mind my H finding a FWB situation.
I'd understand he has needs however I wouldn't be comfortable with a sex worker.

Even an expensive one.

Hi. Thanks. I'll answer all of these at once + elaborate on my situation a bit. My wife doesn't know I'm considering it. She would definitely be extremely unhappy/angry with me for thinking about it. She says that she absolutely definitely does not want HRT or testosterone gel - she doesn't think it's worth it just for sex. I would be OK with some sort of clearly rules defined open relationship, but she would definitely not want that because it is completely against her set of morals - I wouldn't even ask her cos she'd explode. I had a one night stand with someone else when I was 20, before we were even engaged (this was 25 years ago) and although it was a total one-off and I've never slept with anyone else other than her since, she still has not forgiven me and sometimes brings it up when she's annoyed with me. The trouble is that I am totally devoted to my wife, I just find it very hard knowing that at the age of 45 the chances are that I'll never have sex again in my life. Also, she says she won't see a psychosexual counsellor with me.

If she really is that rigid and turned off from sex ( and of course we only have your side of the story) then I wouldn’t judge you for getting sex elsewhere, FWIW.

No one would dispute it is absolutely not ok for one person in a relationship to decide there won't be any sex. Thing is your plan will involve deceit, lies etc etc.

Surely the relationship is over if she won't even make any effort. Vaginal topical oestrogen has no risks whatsoever so that would sort out the pain side of things for starters.

If people have open relationships and it works great but imo it must be just that open, sneaking about seeing prostitutes doesn't seem a good plan. Just tell her if she doesn't want intimacy you'll find it elsewhere.

I can't believe people are even thinking this is okay. This is his wife. What happened to being faithful? In sickness and in health? I'm pretty sure once the wife finds out (if he does tell her) it would absolutely destroy her. She will feel not good enough, it'll destroy her confidence (if the menopause has left her with any). Speaking from experience, if you love your wife, this wouldn't even be a consideration. You have a hand... use that.

'Speaking from experience, if you love your wife, this wouldn't even be a consideration. You have a hand... use that.'
You think he should masturbate for the rest of his life as wife won't even try to sort out vaginal atrophy which is easily remedied with topical treatments, risk free?

I certainly don't advocate deceit. They either need to separate, have an open relationship or she needs to try vaginal cream. Maybe she doesn't fancy him anymore, who knows.

@Janiie

Maybe the menopause has just killed her sex drive. It's a very common side effect. No lube or whatever will help that, so advocating cheating because his wife has been deeply affected by the change is just wrong.

'Maybe the menopause has just killed her sex drive. It's a very common side effect. No lube or whatever will help that'

Oestrogen cream or pessaries absolutely will help that. If there isn't any pain then its more likely sex will be enjoyable and then some libido could return. One person deciding no more sex is not ok but as I say maybe she doesn't find him attractive anymore and is using excuses.

I agree prostitutes and deceit is not the way forward. A full frank discussion is.

Thanks. To respond, I agree that I don’t think she fancies me anymore, coming to that conclusion isn’t rocket-science! I do want sex, I don’t want to see an escort but apart from doing it to myself for the rest of my life, I can’t see a solution as it’s not just the local effects of menopause, I think she’s just not into me anymore. We do love each other though, but she v much thinks sex should be her decision and I agree cos there would be nothing worse than sex with someone who’s not enjoying it. She aslo doesn’t want any sexual touching. It’s been a five year journey and we have already discussed it alot in the past and she said if I ever went outside the marriage she’d divorce me. She also didn’t want sex for 3 yrs after our first child. The most we ever had sex apart from the first few months we were together was about once per month. I’d settle for once every year, but that’s not even happening. At the same time it would feel crazy to leave my life partner who I love just cos of sex. So it seems to be a case of either see someone else in secret and lie / feel guilty and risk getting caught or just come to terms with zero sex-life or intimacy.

'At the same time it would feel crazy to leave my life partner who I love just cos of sex'
But intimacy isn't just sex. It's physical attraction, the connection, the desire, wanting someone. It is what makes a relationship a good relationship and not just a house share.

Sorry I don't want to lecture you. Imo you absolutely shouldn't have to accept a sexless life now your dp isn't bothered. I just think lying and prostitutes will be the final nail in the coffin not the solution. You both surely deserve a full, happy relationship just probably with other people.

@TTA123

My ex did cheat and leave me due to this reason, it absolutely broke me. It wasn't that I didn't fancy him anymore it was purely because of the menopause reeking havoc with my body and I just couldn't do it, it's not that I didn't want to, I just mentally and physically couldn't.

It killed me knowing that he'd rather be with anyone else and have sex than stand by me and wait for the situation to be resolved (which it now has).

Just to say, the menopause can be absolutely brutal for some women. Unless you are going through it, no one would have an earthly cite just how destroying mentally and physically it is.

@Runaround50

Amen!!!!!!

I was pretty much your wife - as soon as pregnancy happened fairly early in the relationship my sex drive dived but we plodded along OK for years. Menopause hit and I literally thought I was dead from the waist down. I didn't think I fancied my oh or would ever want sex again. The upshot was this year whilst on holiday I found evidence on his phone of an emotional affair that would definitely have gone further.

Well....... whilst I really really do not recommend you have an affair to fix your relationship- this was a real wake up call for me. I've taken responsibility for my part in the state we got into and he was genuinely devasted - and surprised that I was so hurt and upset - he thought I wouldn't care as I wasn't interested in him any more. The 'hysterical bonding' impact has woken me up to I do actually have a sex drive and we are really working at getting over the whole situation - we're not there yet as the trust issue is huge
Not sure what my advice is as such but only to say there probably is hope for your Mrs to reignite her feelings - how you achieve that is the difficult bit

These are such helpful, amazing answers, thank-you, and it’s really making me think about the situation. That’s why I posted here. I think women give way better advice than men about emotions and I hope you don’t mind me on your site. The escort thing is prob just desperation to be honest - it’s not really the sort of thing I’d want to do. I did look at some sites, bit I think I’ll prob leave it at that. I told my wife how I felt tonight (not about escorts) and she said she’d talk to her GP about something called Oevestin (? an ointment - I don’t think it’s HRT). She seemed quite concerned.

OP I feel your pain. I don't think it's fair that your wife has moved to saying;

1. I don't want sex ever again with you
2. I don't accept that you still want sex
3. I won't allow you to have sex with anyone else, regardless of how you feel
4. I could try and fix this, but I won't because insert reasons here

This is not ok. What does she think will eventually happen? I'll tell you what will happen - it will start innocently at first - you'll meet and fancy someone else... then the whole scenario gets even more complicated.

I know you are scared to have the conversation with her again but this cannot carry on can it?

Totally agree with @Woofie7 !
Take the necessary steps ( both of you) to fix this problem.
Honestly, BC ISN'T a reason for not taking HRT and testosterone,
A GP maybe not prescribe, BUT a specialist more than likely will.

In fairness we only ever have one side of a story on Mumsnet.

OP, I think it would be very cruel and disrespectful to your wife for you to do what you originally were thinking of, whatever the circumstances. I'd also ask how you would replace intimacy with your wife with the services of someone in return for money, even if you don't think about what made them chose to provide to provide those services.

But I think you've come to that realisation that it's a bad idea, which is good.

I will add just one more thing. The best way forward may simply be acceptance of your situation and there's nothing wrong with that. Apart from the fact that all your other options have downsides, if you say you love your wife isn't that the best way of showing it to her?

Totally agree with this, if your wife does want sex anymore and does want to do anything about it , I would be looking to leave the relationship.

there are plenty of threads on this forum from women who’s husband can’t / won’t have sex and won’t do anything about it, and the advice is always leave, and I think the advice should apply to men equally.