Is it OK for me to see an escort?

[TTA123]

Me and my wife are both 45. She went through early menopause about 6 years ago. We both love each other very much. We haven't had any sort of sex for 5 years because of pain due to vaginal atrophy and her low libido. HRT is out of the question due to history of breast cancer. We have two children (adults now). It doesn't look like our sex-life is ever going to get back on track and she's told me the same as we've discussed this at length in the past and I don't want to keep pestering her so we just don't talk about it any more.

The problem is I am still young(ish) and have a fairly high sex-drive. I would never emotionally betray her by having an affair, but I am considering seeing an escort - not a street-worker, but a professional self-employed business woman who charges £300-£400 per hour. I have plenty of money (sorry!) so I'm not going to be depriving my family financially. Before I take this step I just thought I'd put it out there on Mumsnet. What do you all think? Don't worry, I'm expecting to get an extremely wide range of responses to this! Speak your minds.

Yeah I think she’s given up a bit too fast

sorry but meno doesn’t absolutely mean end of sex

as a PP said there are answers and solutions

have you tried some non penetrative sexual activities

massage , oil , oral , gentle sensual
you totally gently pleasuring her
take an hour or so
no goals just gentle pleasure

many videos and tips around

as if she’s totally not even responding to that… then maybe marriage is dead anyway

Yes I think it’s acceptable. To be honest she must know you have needs still and I’d rather a guy paid an escort (and practised safe sex) than an actual affair which as you say involves emotions

Sounds like there is more to it than menopause and having breast cancer tbh, so not sure if the cream will magically fix this as its psychological.
From what you say, she's never been into it much after the first few months together - once a month before DC! 3 years without after 1st DC!!
The signs were there after the first few months unfortunately, this would of put a lot of men off at the time so it would usually have been addressed way back.
I wonder if there was leeway out of guilt given to the situation given on your part, due to the one night stand. Did this event happen after the 1st few months together by any chance?
Lots of mistakes since the ONS, if she isn't over it 20 years on, she would not have been over it when you got married, so that was a bad decision.
You've possibly always known she never got over it, but have adopted a convincer role and spent 20 years trying to prove your fidelity to no avail.
If she won't accept counselling, I think the only place for you to go is to to tell her you need to separate and accept divorce as an option. If the DC are grown up, it shouldn't be that hard, you could still live nearby and have a friendship and chose to be amicable - which is not far removed from what you have now.

I know I'm going against the general consensus here, but I would understand for someone in your situation to have an affair. Nevertheless I think renting a escort is not an affair. It doesn't matter how expensive the escort is or how sure you make that she's not being exploited. The fact is that you think of a woman as a body to use for your own pleasure and that your idea of sex is purely in terms of the mechanics of it, leaving out any emotion, attraction or chemistry. I don't think it's wrong that you don't want to be celibate for the rest of your life. But if I knew that a man has ever paid for sex I would run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.

Does she still like to come from oral sex, or is this off the table too?

Guys, I don’t want to get divorced! I love my wife and our marriage works amazingly on so many levels other than the sexual. Someone said “ you’ve got a hand, learn how to use it”. Well I know how to do that and I’ve been doing that several times a week for the last few years, but if you really think that’s an emotional substitute for sex with someone you love then you don’t understand relationships. I always had a healthy sex drive, but now I’m celibate for last several years. If there is no better advice than just getting divorced then I really don’t know what to think. Some people have given amazing advice. Please believe me, I really do NOT want to see an escort, but neither do I want to be celebate for the rest of my life. If you are a man it makes you depressed, gives you lousy self-esteem and makes you feel unloved and useless. I work full-time, bring home good money, I’m a totally devoted father and there’s no way divorcing will help the situation, hence the escort question. Aarggghgh, what the heck do I do??!😱😱😱

I’ve always highly valued other peoples advice, but at the end of the day one has to be responsible for one’s own decisions. It’s like I’m stuck in a man-trap and it’s metal jaws have crushed my leg and I’m bleeding-out. I can either stay in this trap and live out the rest of my short-life in this corner of the woods or hack my leg off and try to escape. Either choice might kill me. I think I’ve made my decision. Thanks so much to everyone who’s contributed. Ladies, please think about your husbands and remember to show them that you love them. I’m signing out of this thread now. Bye.

And paying for sex is going to give you high self esteem and make you feel loved?

This

I can only imagine mine thing that could make it worse … being with a man who instead of leaving was sneaking around using prostitutes.
.

And this . I can’t even imagine how a woman would feel finding out she was married to a man who thought it was ok to rent womens bodies

literally paying a woman to have sex with you when she doesn’t want to

absolutely agree with you confused , I literally can’t believe that anyone would think this is ok on so many levels

i also get that it’s very fair not to want to be celibate … that’s why people the option to leave . Never never ok just to cheat , let alone rent someone

Lilewise , any man who’s ever paid for sex would be a complete no for me and most women I know

I am post menopausal (due to chemo) but went straight on HRT and DH and I have sex almost daily. I can’t agree with people on here that expect you to accept you won’t have sex for the rest of your life when you are in your mid 40s! I would be devastated if DH didn’t have sex with me for 5 years.

I think you have to have a really honest conversation and tell her you would much prefer to work it out between the two of you by going to a menopause specialist and a sex therapist/counselor. If she absolutely refuses, as far as I am concerned a FWB situation would be the best solution. Many women on here will hate me for that, but that’s because I like sex and it’s very important to my well-being and general stress relief. It also bonds me so closely to DH.

I wouldn’t go to a women who is prostituting herself, but find a woman who would also like a FWB situation. This should be your last resort after you have openly talked and pleaded with your wife to work out another solution together.

I am very happily married and strongly believe in marriage, but can’t imagine a life with no sex. That is literally the plot of Lady Chatterley’s Lover on Netflix that so many women love right now. Her husband is seriously injured in WW1 and can no longer her sex. It makes her extremely depressed, and desperate.

How would seeing an escort be different to a wank? The woman is doing it for money, not through desire. She won't want you, on the contrary will be counting down the minutes. How will that make you feel better? It won't.. but will cause a lot of damage.

Hi

I have read this message and really wanted to reach out, I took a decision in almost the exact same scenario, and know it was a huge mistake.

I have been with my wife for over 20 years, and after our second child was born our sexlife became less and less frequent. I think over those 8 years it would fall into the definition of a sexless marriage, and in the last 2 was once of twice per year. I struggled with this due to lack of sex, but also feeling unattractive, undesired, worthless, and later paranoid that my wife was cheating on me. I tried to put it to one side, to masterbate, use porn, then started using webcams, and one of them suggested meeting up. I did, and then went to do it a second time 6 months later. I was caught the second time though a text message, and the second I was caught I realised what a huge mistake I made. It was the lowest part of my life, realising the impact on my wife, my kids, and all those around me. Its been devastating to all.

Friends and family have stood by me, people do, and both male and female have said "what did your wife think would happen", so some people do have this opinion. I don't, I justified it to myself at the time as it was in someway OK, as my wife didn't want me, I wasn't cheating emotionally, just with sex. However I have worked through this and now know it wasn't about just sex, but intimacy, needing to feel wanted and loved.

I know realise that there was no justification, that I should have gone and talked to my wife and said unless we fix it the marriage is over. I love my wife very much, but the lack of sex was a sign the marriage was in huge difficulty. The use of webcams (over 12 months), seeing an escort (i then waited 6 months until i texted to see her again), ate me up inside even though I could logically excuse myself.

I am now trying to repair my marriage with a wife that doesn't deserve this, with kids that we're trying to protect but know things aren't right, and friends and family who are massively impacted. I don't think my wife can forgive me, but I hope we can salvage something one day.

I wish I could go back, and tell her that we would need to end the marraige unless we could fix the sexlife, but also the other things that were causing the lack of sex (many of which were things I needed to fix). This would have been devastating to all, a huge risk, but much less devastating than what has actually happened.

I hope this helps, I'm not trying to preach, just tell you that I took the decision you did, and can be honest and tell you that I would have taken a different decision if I could, but this would have been incredibly hard for me to do, and would be for you.

If in someway you would like to talk, there must be a way we can contact each other (sorry new to this)

It is such a tricky situation. I was the wife in your story Bted.

The differences adds that I didn’t like or fancy my husband (I know it takes two to tango but he was a really arse to me for many years) and that he expected sex all the time and sulked if he didn’t get it, ruining life for the kids. So I told him several times we don’t work together and that I wanted to split. He wouldn’t.

Then I found out he’d had numerous affairs over several years and it was like receiving a gift. We’ve split and told the kids, I want a divorce, he doesn’t. I’m happier than I’ve ever been (out on my first date in about 25 years tonight so currently feeling sick…) and he wants me back.

I don’t know what the point is other than clearly something wasn’t working and sometimes splitting up isn’t the worst thing to do.

Good luck to all of you in tricky situations. Just make sure you’ll be able to look yourself in the mirror one day and be proud of how you handled things…

Thanks softskinrocks.

I know at times my wife didn't like or fancy me that much, she did say this to me on occasion, although we never got to the conversation about splitting. Complicated as we both really love our kids, and don't want to be apart from them (they are still young). I'm absolutely sure I was an arse at times (we both were, and my definitely more).

Its really sad, but I would definitely say cheating is not the answer, doesn't really make anyone feel better in the long run.

So hard to face the issues on, and definitely not judging as I didn't, but I wish I had.

Good luck with the date, happiness, and I agree with your advice, I'm certainly not proud of what I did, but from that moment on I'm trying to do the right thing, and will never repeat the same mistakes, whatever happens

Ask your wife first. It is never ok for a MM to have contact with a prostitute behind his wife's back. You made a vow of faithfulness. If you cannot keep that vow, you need to tell her. It would be a disaster if your wife ever wants to become intimate with you again and you've had prostitute-sex. With all the best will in the world, after you've become a prostitute-user, you will never again be able to experience love-making with your wife in the same way.

Bted, I wasn’t judging - I meant exactly what you said - from now on make those decisions. It’s a very hard situation to be in.

Date was awesome but it turns out he is waaaaay younger than me so I don’t think it has legs 🤣 flattering though!

Good luck to you too x

How much younger?

I think I love you because you sound like my brother and my friends (I have a shite sex life - eg ex h doesn’t think that you can rape your own wife…) and he’s literally perfect for me on paper and we got on sooo well and there was definitely chemistry but I’m 46 and he’s 23 🤣 I look younger and he looks older so I think we met somewhere in the middle. But I think I need to be a bit sensible in my old age 😉x

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want physical connection. It’s certainly preferable to see an escort than to have an affair / develop feelings for someone else.

I am not in a relationship at present. I do have vagunal atrophy unfortunately andI am prescribed Vagirux pessaries to use twice weekly. They make such a difference and I would be confident to have sex at this point. Possibly with some lubricant also.
If I can say so is it possible your wife would benefit from extending her interests and hobbies independently of your good self? Mixing socially with other women may be good for her and make her reflect more on her style, and general health etc. This in turn may raise her confidence and with it an interest in her sexual identity.

My husband and I are 54 and have sex usually every day. We are crazy about each other but I just don’t know how we would handle NEVER having sex again and you are 10 years younger! I think you may need to separate if she refuses to acknowledge how essential to your life and marriage this is. If you were formally separated you could still visit your wife and be friends with her (if she was willing) while feeling free to pursue other relationships. But I think you need to talk about this openly and not lie and sneak around.

OP, I’m long past menopause but I remember the problems. Many of them can be quite easily solved. HRT is well worth trying (the cancer risks have been exaggerated). But there are many other options too.

I especially recommend treating the vaginal dryness/ atrophy, as this can become painful, not just during sex. You can buy vaginal moisturisers (not the same as lubricants used during sex) in Boots or any pharmacy. Any good GP can give advice.

The changes that occur during and after menopause are of course natural. But there’s no reason to put up with symptoms that can be easily treated.

And I’m talking about everyday health and comfort, not just ability to enjoy sex.