Open relationship

[MakkaPakkasPO]

How devastating is it to be asked for an open relationship by your partner if it’s not something you have ever considered and would never want? Has anyone ever been on the receiving end? I want to ask this but I can’t as I’m scared of hurting my spouse.

Spouse is very religious and conservative. I am categorically not.

@MakkaPakkasPO At the moment all we have is that your partner is religious and conservative and you're not. That suggests you're not very well matched, and that a request to open the relationship would be devastating.

You may find you get a better response and more advice if you provide a bit more detail around your relationship and why you want to open it. There's a lot of one post questions on this forum which create suspicion around the OPs motivations.

For what it's worth I'd hate it if my partner asked me. I think it would make me feel inadequate.

@lostincumbria

sorry, you’re right.

our marriage is lovely in lots of ways, but we have no sex or intimacy. So we are good friends who have a laugh and raise our kids.

I am at the point where I do not know much longer I can manage like this.

I don’t want to have an affair behind their back but I also don’t know how I’m going to not.

I think my request probably would devastate him. So I probably won’t do it. But I wondered if anyone had any surprising stories.

Well now I'm wondering what you said @roundbackwiththerestoftheoids

Life's too short to live without sex, if sex is important to you.

I was asked by a fwb to have an open relationship with him. I wanted to but didn't because of my kids. Sex is very very important to me so I would ask him or leave him. My bf asked me what I'd do if he lost his sex drive. I told him I'd find some one else to satisfy me and I'd expect him to do the same. Whether that's in an open relationship is a must have discussion

I think that if I was in what I thought was a happy relationship & my partner asked about an open relationship, it would be devastating & would completely alter the dynamic of the relationship, probably irreparable.

in your position, I think you need to explain this to your partner and possibly move to separate

I think there is no point asking in the situation you describe. Only thing this would achieve is hurting him. And possibly would force you to make a decision to initiate a divorce.
Its unlikely to nudge him into sorting out his libido issues.

If you genuinely want to keep the marriage and just outsource sex - in your particular case - it’s far more humane to just have a discrete FWB on the side.

I absolutely do not want to split up the marriage or hurt him.
But I am slowly dying inside.
Thank you for your thoughts everyone x

I was in a similar situation, albeit as a male. Ultimately it will destroy you and your marriage the longer it goes on. It needs to be discussed in an honest and open way, i'd perhaps not start with the open relationship question, but maybe the lack of intimacy and sex, and then go from there. I failed to do this, and the damage to myself was long lasting, and the relationship eventually imploded.

@Frenchgooner67
Do you think if you had approached things differently you would be somewhere you were happy with now?

I do think things may have been different perhaps. i did approach the subject a few times over the years, things improved for a few weeks, then quickly went back to how they were before. we were just housemates raising kids in the end, living separate lives. The lack of intimacy really hurt me, and in the end i became cold towards everything as a sort of self preservation thing. when we did split up, she said things would change, but i just couldnt trust that and expose myself to going through it all again.

@Frenchgooner67

Are you both happy now?

Surely your spouse would in all honesty not be surprised by you raising this issue, and unless they are masters of brushing things under the carpet and ignoring the obvious they must already appreciate there is a significant problem here.

Personally I don't believe an open relationship is very likely to be successful or fulfilling in the long term, mainly because if your spouse is currently of the mind that your relationship at the moment is reasonable then they are an unreasonable person to live with. I appreciate we don't have the benefit of their view. I'd be wary of flogging a dead horse.

If you don’t want to break up the marriage then the only solution is to stay and accept the situation, if you can’t do this then walking away is your only option, not many men or women will agree to an open relationship. It seems though that those who stay hoping things will change are often the ones that are full of regret years down the line.

What you’ve written is spot on. They are masters of brushing things under the carpets. Never seen anything before quite like it.
I have come to realise the relationship is not successful and will go steadily downhill. Sigh.

@MakkaPakkasPO - I've been exactly where you are - again as a male. The first thing I'll say, will be to back up what previous posters have said - you need an honest and open conversation with your partner.

I took my XW away to a hotel for a weekend (no distractions, no getting away from it really), and we had a very long, and emotional talk about our relationship. An open marriage was discussed, but I couldn't do that - I'd made my wedding vows, and they meant something to me.

We ended up divorcing, and I'm now single, footloose and fancy free, and have since had some of the best sex of my life, but it took me 10 years to summon up the courage to have that first discussion, and those are years I'll never get back.

Don't make the same mistake. Don't wait, don't postpone or prevaricate - do it, and do it soon.

Good luck! (virtual long distance hugs)

@AverageGuy

Thank you for this and the virtual hugs. I appreciate it.

The thing I can’t get my head around is that there is so much to be lost for what…sex? Can sex be worth that much?

But then I think…it’s not just sex really. It’s everything that surrounds it, and all that it encompasses.

And yet. So much to be lost.

Its not an easy decision and I am in a similar position to you.

To some, it will be "just sex" to others it will be so much more than than, the physical act itself and the emotions/feelings they bring (when in a relationship).

For me, its an important part of a relationship, but sometimes for the sake of family you might put up with it, but long term, if its important to you, then that's not wrong, its who you are.

@MakkaPakkasPO

There is no guarantee that having left the marriage you will find another relationship with great sex.
There is a thread right now by a woman who did leave because of terrible sex - and now she is wondering if it was worth it….
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4656984-how-do-reconcile-the-fact-you-may-never-have-sex-again

You also don’t know how your sex drive would be when you get to peri/menopause.
So yes - a lot to lose. And who knows what you would gain.
As we can’t have it all - you either give up physical relationship, or lose the black/white view of the world and do what you need to do for yourself, while keeping the status quo at home.

I'm certainly happier than i was. i live alone, and have a good friend group, however i would like another relationship, but i I have found it very hard to meet someone. That's a lot to do with where i live, and the new OLD world. I have a FWB, which is definitely a positive, but i would prefer a relationship. i suppose happiness is subjective.

@MMmomDD

Thank you for this.

I think what I’ve come to realise is that the relationship is broken in general, I’ve just been deluding myself so far.

I think any loss incurred would be his, and not mine. But I don’t want to create that loss for him, even though I would be fine. I always knew I’d be fine.

But what you’ve said is important, because none of us are perfect, are we. There will probably always be something.

@Frenchgooner67

I’m so glad you’ve found happiness.
I hope that the long term relationship you want is just round the corner.

I feel for you, being in the same boat. Until a few days ago there was another thread here about an open relationship, the OP and her partner had found a way to make it work. Or at least they seemed to, we'll never know as the thread has been deleted.
I'm also seriously considering talking to my partner about it. He's not religious so we don't have that obstacle to overcome, but there's others, kids being the main one. You haven't mentioned if you have kids, to me that's quite an important consideration. Both my daughters are teenagers and hypersensitive (one has Asperger's) and there's no doubt in my mind that if we opened things up, they would sense that the relationship has changed. They may not necessarily understand exactly how, but they'd know something's up.
You also have to wonder how long an open relationship can be kept secret from the whole world. I don't know about you, but we don't live in a big city and I worry about being found out. If I took a lover, I wouldn't want to just have sex with him, at the very least I'd want to be taken out for a meal occasionally, or go on a walk or something. As you rightly said "it’s not just sex, it’s everything that surrounds it". I couldn't agree more, I'm not just a piece of meat.
Chances are, sooner or later we'd be spotted together, and people would start to talk.
Otherwise what's the alternative? Swing parties? Dogging? Shudder... None of that appeals to me at all.
So I'm in a conundrum too. I think I know what I want and I think I may be even be able to talk my partner into it - with enough tact and perseverance. But there are just too many hurdles to jump, so it will probably never happen. 😭😭😭