Open relationship

[MakkaPakkasPO]

How devastating is it to be asked for an open relationship by your partner if it’s not something you have ever considered and would never want? Has anyone ever been on the receiving end? I want to ask this but I can’t as I’m scared of hurting my spouse.

Spouse is very religious and conservative. I am categorically not.

@MegFaeGlesga

Thank you for your thoughtful reply!
Yes like you, there are kids involved. You have raised many sensible points - I hadn't considered the implications half as well as you have!
To be honest, I have completely abandoned the idea - it wouldn't work for DH, and actually I've realised it wouldn't work for me either. It's not an open relationship I need I don't think.
I really hope you manage to get to the place you want to be. And I hope the other couple managed to work out their open relationship as you said!

@MakkaPakkasPO Thanks, I hope so too. Sorry that the open relationship idea isn't an option for you. I sense from other things you've written that you are simply coming to the painful realisation that the relationship itself isn't working, and opening it up ain't gonna fix anything. That's a mature conclusion, even if it's a tough one.
You probably know what I'm going to say next, because you'll have been telling yourself the same thing: it's time to talk to your husband and be honest about your feelings. It may well be that he'll declare himself ready and willing to make some changes - people often do when they're up against the wall. That's when your resolution will falter, because I'm sure on some levels you still love him. I've been there more than once so I know what it's like.
Admitting to yourself that it's over is only the first step, but it's an important one and you've taken it. The next step is even harder, but you can do it. You owe it to yourself. You only get one life, don't waste it wondering "what if?"

Can I hire you? 😍

@MegFaeGlesga has some great advice.

The aspect I would be wary about is if your H says that he will change, he will step up, because you are so very unhappy, will he be able to actually maintain the increase in your sex life?

Also, by now, it’s not just about the lack of sex, it’s about your H’s lack of consideration for your feelings. You can’t make him have sex if he doesn’t want to, so it’s time to have a conversation and be honest with each other.

I am currently in the same situation. I separated from DP last year, I told him that I know I’m not important enough for him to change, he promised that wasn’t the case so I agreed to try again but things are no better.
Sometimes I’m ok with things, but other times that voice is very loud.

It would not sit well with me to ve asked this. However I do.undertand your problem.re lack intimacy. Before bringing up.the possibility of an.open.relationship I.would have a conversation about your relationship initially.

You're unhappy! Leave him, life is too short. An open relationship is likely to hurt him, even if he agrees to it, it will hurt him in the end. Children will adjust to you splitting up but I'm not sure they will understand an open relationship.
I was in a 14 yr sexless and loveless relationship. Stayed for the kids. An ex fwb wanted a poly relationship with me and I said no because of my 2 kids. Fast forward a year and I'm 10 months into a relationship with the most amazing guy. All the sex and intimacy iv always craved. Whatever you decide, just be happy.

@Shallysally
@BCBird
@Samantha87

thank you for your responses, I appreciate it.

theres no doubt in my mind now of two things: an open relationship is not something I want, and I will be separating from DH, but I don’t know when. Just…one day!

As far as I am aware we get only one shot at this life and it isn't a dress rehearsal. I have read the OP's remarks about her dying inside and I feel very sorry for her. An existence (definitely not a life by any means) without the joy that a full sex life can bring is for many of us simply not worth having.

I would say to her that when she entered marriage a relationship without a physical side was not something she signed up for. She needs to state quite forcefully to her husband that she needs that in her life. He then has a simple choice as to whether he steps up to the plate himself, or allows her to seek what she wants elsewhere while remaining in the marriage. It really is that simple, because staying where she is will slowly destroy both her and the marriage itself. She must put her cards on the table now, while there is still time for her to make a fresh start. If she fails to do that, then in what seems like the blink of an eye she will be ten years down the line with nothing left to live for.

I wish her well.

I think people are confusing open relationships and poly-relationships. They aren’t 100% the same. Open doesn’t have to be poly.
In addition - not sure why people keep bringing their children into it.
Now of the people I know who are in open relationships share/inform their children.

Most open relationships I have observed are open but not poly. What that means is that the spouses allow each other to have FWB-type arrangements, but stopping short of any emotional involvement. There are strict boundaries on that and on being discrete. Children, most friends or family aren’t aware and not affected. And most couples tend to not discuss their ‘others’. One couple seems to talk about theirs and it seems to work better for them.

Poly relationships are when people have more than one relationships. With one being primary. I don’t know how it works in practice as h don’t know anybody in those.

@josuk As someone who's considering an open relationship, I can definitely say that I wouldn't want my children, my family or my friends to know about it. I can't imagine many couples who would want that, apart from the oddballs who go on TV and happily tell the whole world. From what I've seen they tend to be mostly American (not wishing to generalise, but I can't think of many other nationalities who would openly discuss this sort of thing, apart from maybe the Dutch and Scandinavians, certainly not us Brits).
But the thing with kids is, you can hide things from them all you like, they're not idiots. In fact they are smarter and more sensitive than many parents realise. My daughters certainly are. I expect if my DH and I do open the relationship, they'll know something's up.
That's regardless whether or not there's any emotional involvement, though personally I'm just looking for physical gratification, not for another partner whose personal issues I need to worry about. One of those is enough!
That was why I mentioned kids, and it seems the OP had the same concerns. Now that she's considering separation, of course those concerns are different and probably even bigger. So I wish her luck too, because she's got a difficult time ahead.

@MegFaeGlesga

I think you are overthinking it, and it’s all quite theoretical. In practice - kids in the couples I know - have no idea and sense noting. Including teenage and by now young kids.

Kids aren’t idiots, and may be sensitive. But at the same time - they are quite self absorbed and their world revolves around them. In addition - they certainly do not care and do not want to known anything about your sex life.
So - kids may and will notice things like you going out more. If you don’t go out at all - and start going out at times and staying out late, sure, they’ll notice. It’s not going to be something that is particularly strange if parents get social life.
If you get some sex life going you would be more relaxed and possibly happier. They may sense it - and again, nothing really wrong with it.
As sensitive kids - they probably are aware that there is tension between their parents. There can not be no tension/resentment - as one of you is permanently sexually frustrated. Anything that changes this low grade unhappiness will be a good thing.

Of course - if there are arguments associated with opening the relationship, or added unhappiness - they’ll notice too.

In reality - it’s a difficult thing to get right. It takes time and most people can’t really deal with it.
Couples I know who manage it well are in different situation to you. They either got together very young and realised that monogamy over long lifetime is too difficult; OR they got together as 2nd marriages and both were quite sexual/experimental.

I only know one couple who is in your situation - where one of the partner just doesn’t like sex. But it’s only ‘semi-open’. On the sense that she said to her H - she doesn’t want to have much sex and doesn’t want to know anything about anything.
And I think most low/no libido partners are in similar place - discussing and accepting actual open relationship is difficult, and it’s easier for all involved to not know.

@josuk I don't wish to derail this thread by discussing my personal situation, in any case I certainly hope you're right about me overthinking it. And I agree that my girls were not benefiting from having a sexually frustrated, resentful mother. I have actually already taken certain steps with my DH towards opening and so far things seem very positive. It's a bit soon to say how that might affect the kids, but we're being very careful and taking things one step at a time. I'd love to start my own thread about it, but I'm mindful that similar threads have been removed before, so I probably won't bother.

So how have things worked out for you?

Not great! Still muddling along in the marriage. I realised the open marriage wouldn’t work for either of us.

The marriage will come to an end at some point, I just need to find a way to survive till then!

In your situation it sounds like a life with a lack of pleasure so I would definitely be looking elsewhere for a FWB as well as maximising opportunities for non-sexual happiness eg are you creative or could you fill some of the emptiness in another way? I emphasise some - I know nothing compensates but can you find some joys or indulgences to help you get through? Meanwhile also focus on yourself and enjoying flirting and being noticed by men, things like that.
Is DH up for some hard hitting conversations or is it too far gone?

It's difficult to change the terms and conditions of a relationship once you're in it. To move from an exclusive to an open relationship would be rather difficult to negotiate. It's easier if prospective partners know what they're getting involved in at the start. I'm lucky enough to be in a relationship at the moment where we can discuss things like attraction to others, bit that was something we talked abut before we even became a couple. With previous boyfriends I've had to be very careful. Even exchanging emails at the weekend with acquaintances from work can start a tantrum!

Hi Alexa, are you in an open marriage?

Well given you have no sex or intimacy, this is a fair question. Perhaps you're better to raise it with him and ask him what he thinks a good solution might be. Also maybe try counselling? I would also think if he's religious and conservative he won't be keen on an open marriage, but you never know. At least start the conversation with the core issue.