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Original poster

Is he abusive

65 replies

PrestonMum · 20/09/2022 11:09

Hi first post here but have read posts over the years and now need a bit of advice.

I’ve recently started seeing a guy from 3 years ago, (it ended back then when he ghosted me…) but he’s come back now and says he’s regrets it.

I met him for the first time since , had a few drinks and went back to his, which I’m fine with as we were already at that stage last time.

however before we got into bed he told he that this is his bed and there is no rules , anything goes wether your awake or asleep. He said if I have a problem with that I need to sleep on the sofa away from me.

im just confused as to wether he’s got a problem with sexual control or if he was being very respectful and telling me the truth upfront so I could make an informed decision ?

any thoughts on this ? Has anyone experienced this before ?

he is very virile so perhaps this is just who he is.

OP posts:
America12 · 20/09/2022 11:32

Do you really have to ask ? Run away

Standswitchshelf · 20/09/2022 11:55

Anything goes? Nope, I don't think so.

Maybe just a weird way of saying 'I want to have sex' but would do a runner personally.

Thisismyusernamefornow · 20/09/2022 14:10

I have a really low bar Sad but can honestly say no this isn't right.

Namechanged454 · 20/09/2022 17:32

I'd have asked what on earth he meant by that?

Original poster
PrestonMum · 20/09/2022 18:20

@Namechanged454 Do you think I should discuss this with him or just end it now. He’s also planning to book a week in Tenerife just me and him…..

OP posts:
GillianB82 · 20/09/2022 19:04

PrestonMum · 20/09/2022 18:20

@Namechanged454 Do you think I should discuss this with him or just end it now. He’s also planning to book a week in Tenerife just me and him…..

You're not really going to fall for the week in Tenerife bait are you? How about, week in Tenerife first, sex afterwards? See if he'll go for that 😂
Seriously, agreeing with the "run a mile" view here.

takealettermsjones · 20/09/2022 23:22

What?? Tell him that's not how the law works. And then slam the door in his face and never return.

He sounds like a predator.

AverageGuy · 21/09/2022 09:52

@PrestonMum "this is his bed and there is no rules , anything goes whether your awake or asleep" WTF? He does realise that there are two people involved here right? NO MEANS NO

If anything goes, awake or asleep, grab his balls and squeeze really really hard when he's asleep... He may change his mind... If not, I can think of a good use for a sharp knife... He did say anything goes, right?

Run away from this person as fast as you can.

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/09/2022 10:42

He’s telling you he would rape you in your sleep. Do you really need to be told he’s abusive?

Original poster
PrestonMum · 21/09/2022 12:16

@AverageGuy he is very masculine and has a high libido is he not respecting me by letting me know prior?

if you woke up half way through the night with a ‘strong urge’ and your partner was asleep what would you do ?

OP posts:
AverageGuy · 21/09/2022 12:28

@PrestonMum
I have a high libido - not sure what difference that makes?

"if you woke up half way through the night with a ‘strong urge’ and your partner was asleep what would you do ?"

It depends on my partner. If she is into "sleepy sex", then I would gently wake her, and see if she would be interested & willing to take things further. There is no way I'd just thrust into her, that's rape, however you slice it.

No rules says he doesn't care about you, or your feelings / acceptance. He can just take you whenever & however he wants

AubadeIsIt · 21/09/2022 13:50

Unless you're turned on by this rapey behaviour, run.

altmember · 21/09/2022 14:53

I guess if you're both into sub/dom stuff then it could make sense. But that's pretty advanced, well down the line stuff, to have been discussed and agreed on in advance. Certainly not first time sleeping together, or first mentioned as you're climbing into bed.

What he's basically saying is that if you get in his bed, then you're consenting to letting him do ANYTHING to you. Which sounds frighteningly dangerous - not just the fact that he's proposing it, but that it's telling you exactly how his mind works. Absolute psycho, run for the hills.

Original poster
PrestonMum · 21/09/2022 15:20

@altmember it was the second time sleeping together, the first time was 3 years ago and he’s recently come back in contact.

We went for drinks are we got very drunk, perhaps it was just the drink talking ? I don’t think he did anything to me but I was probably too drunk to notice.

I just don’t know what to do… do I see how it goes on holiday or not…

OP posts:
Original poster
PrestonMum · 21/09/2022 15:23

@AverageGuy but how can you sleep in someone else’s bed and tell them what they can or can’t do, surely this is where lack of intimacy develops. When you don’t allow a partner to express themselves ? Do you get what I’m trying to say ?

OP posts:
AverageGuy · 21/09/2022 15:31

@PrestonMum Because it's their body! If a woman says no Anal, then it's no Anal, if she says no sleepy sex, than it's no sleepy sex. If I was to "force" Anal or sleepy sex on them, then that's rape. Simples.

I've been in a relationship that had a lack of intimacy - this has nothing to do with a lack of intimacy, and more to do with respecting the person you have decided to share your bed & body with.

Any sexual act without consent is sexual abuse, and should be reported to the police.

takealettermsjones · 21/09/2022 15:37

@PrestonMum I'm sorry but you're not seeing this clearly at all.

How can you sleep in someone else’s bed and tell them what they can or can’t do, surely this is where lack of intimacy develops. When you don’t allow a partner to express themselves? Do you get what I’m trying to say?

Every person, whether sleeping in someone else's bed or not, gets to choose what happens to their body. It doesn't matter whether your partner wants to express himself, he has to get consent. Declaring his bed an independent state where the laws of England and Wales don't apply is not a thing.

altmember · 21/09/2022 15:49

PrestonMum · 21/09/2022 15:20

@altmember it was the second time sleeping together, the first time was 3 years ago and he’s recently come back in contact.

We went for drinks are we got very drunk, perhaps it was just the drink talking ? I don’t think he did anything to me but I was probably too drunk to notice.

I just don’t know what to do… do I see how it goes on holiday or not…

The way that you're having to ask and the attempting to defend him makes me wonder if you might be a bit vulnerable, because most people would not have got into bed with someone who'd just said that to them.

And if you're getting so drunk that you wouldn't notice/remember what happened, then that is very risky behaviour added into the mix of climbing in to bed with a virtual stranger.

Original poster
PrestonMum · 21/09/2022 16:04

@altmember ok thanks you have given me food for thought. It’s making me wonder why he wants to go away on an all inclusive drinking holiday to tenerife so quickly.

there is quite a few red flags.

@AverageGuy he keeps touching my bum too do you think that what he means when he said anything goes awake or asleep. He has mentioned he did anal with his ex gf and for him it’s just normal procedure

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 21/09/2022 16:23

Sounds like a massive dick head to me.

AverageGuy · 21/09/2022 16:28

@PrestonMum As I said - Any sexual act without consent is sexual abuse, and should be reported to the police.

By allowing this "person" to touch you, you've kinda given your implicit consent - although I'm sure people will argue with me on that.

Lord only knows what he meant when he said "No rules" and "anything goes".

Here's the thing. He does not own you, you are not his property. He Cannot do anything he wants to you.

YOU own you. YOU get to decide who does what with you, and if you aren't comfortable with something, then JUST SAY NO Any decent guy worth his salt will respect your boundaries.

Just because his ex was ok with Anal, (personally, I'd be asking her...) doesn't mean you have to be. If you are, great, if you aren't he MUST respect that, and not force the issue.

If he is coercing you into doing things you don't want to do get out now, run away as fast as you can, and don't look back.

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/09/2022 16:46

@AverageGuy but how can you sleep in someone else’s bed and tell them what they can or can’t do,

Very easily. Me being in their bed is a privilege not an indication that I’ve given my will and my bodily autonomy over to them. If he has a “strong urge” he checks out whether you want to have sex - being in his bed doesn’t constitute consent. If he can’t check you are willing, he sorts himself out.

If someone said that to me there’s no way I’d be in their bed, or their life.

Bedazzled22 · 21/09/2022 18:01

He’s not being respectful he’s telling you so you can’t say anything afterwards…because he told you what would happen…

he is treating you like a sex object - you have no say… what he says goes - how horrifying!!

Original poster
PrestonMum · 21/09/2022 18:32

@Bedazzled22 im all to aware how some relationships can have no intimacy and this would be my worse outcome after a few years.

surely his brutal honesty is something to encourage in a relationship?

OP posts:
Choconut · 21/09/2022 19:14

If this is who he is then you need to run a fucking mile FFS, he's not saying this for intimacy or to encourage an open and honest relationship he just wants you to know he's going to fuck you however he pleases when you're passed out drunk. In fact it wouldn't surprise me at all if he drugged your drinks to make sure there was absolutely no chance of you resisting.

I can't get my head around how you think this might be normal. Did neither of you get the memo on consent? Honestly I really think you need some counselling on boundaries and respectful intimacy. Have you been in abusive relationships before? Please consider doing the freedom programme.

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