Is he abusive

[PrestonMum]

Hi first post here but have read posts over the years and now need a bit of advice.

I’ve recently started seeing a guy from 3 years ago, (it ended back then when he ghosted me…) but he’s come back now and says he’s regrets it.

I met him for the first time since , had a few drinks and went back to his, which I’m fine with as we were already at that stage last time.

however before we got into bed he told he that this is his bed and there is no rules , anything goes wether your awake or asleep. He said if I have a problem with that I need to sleep on the sofa away from me.

im just confused as to wether he’s got a problem with sexual control or if he was being very respectful and telling me the truth upfront so I could make an informed decision ?

any thoughts on this ? Has anyone experienced this before ?

he is very virile so perhaps this is just who he is.

Doesn't matter if his hormones are through the roof, no still means no. Men are not wild animals who can't control themselves.

Very fifty shades of grey and great if you like being submissive, and like he said if you weren’t I. The mood don’t get in his bed.

Same rules go if you said when he’s at yours your the queen and he does as he is told.

Clearly need boundaries in any BDSM relationship, I have drawn up a contract before 😬

High in testosterone? What a croc of shit. You really do believe every word this guy tells you, huh?

I'm actually quite astounded that you can't see for yourself how awful he is and that you're making excuses for his behaviour.

The vast majority of people on this thread have told you how they would react to a man who didn't respect their boundaries. Why aren't you listening?

@PinotPony the problem is I’m struggling to find a balance opinion. My DP has quite clearly stated his boundaries and it’s up to me to choose wether they align with mine or not. I have no issue with sharing a bed or being intimate my concerns were wether these are elements of a potential controlling person.

i feel even worse as many women have called him a rapist for being upfront from the start.

i perhaps need to step away from the board as I’m concerned there is common acceptance of misandry present.

Misandry against men who feel entitlement to a womens body - yes.
Misandry against men in general - no.

Your opening post is specifically asking for opinions weather your partners behaviour might be abusive. In the main you have been told - yes his behaviour can be considered abusive. You got an answer. The fact that you dont like the answer doesn't make our opinions less valid.

Good Luck OP - if you choose to ignore the advice given to you here that's your prerogative but don't come on a forum board asking for peoples opinions if you don't want to hear the truth.

Those aren't "boundaries" though OP. A boundary would be saying "I don't want to do anal" or "I don't want you to come in my face". Saying "sleep in my bed and you're fair game" shows absolutely no respect for you at all. Not at all. No respect as a woman, as a person.

You're upset because everyone is saying the same thing. This man sounds potentially abusive.

My DP has quite clearly stated his boundaries and it’s up to me to choose wether they align with mine or not.

That works both ways though, what about your boundaries. He’s basically said if you get in his bed you loose any right to set boundaries around what happens to your body. What are your boundaries here - does the idea that he can do anything he likes to you, whether you consent or not, align with your boundaries.

What a knob.
Good luck. Sounds like you've read too much pop 's&m literature' if you think his honesty is encouraging. Seriously. He's a dick and a potentially abusive one. If you can't see it then I'd heartily suggest you think and reevaluate the levels you set your bar at.
I am into BDSM and have had many play partners. This dude is a fuckwit who's just assuming you're a moron who will do what he says because your self-esteem is through the floor.
It's up to you whether that is a correct guess or not.

i feel even worse as many women have called him a rapist for being upfront from the start.

Hes being up front about you not having the right to say no to whatever he wants to do to you in bed. So if he’s doing something you’re uncomfortable with, he’s not going to stop. How do you define rape?

It’s no less abusive that he’s warned you beforehand but it does mean if you complain or set boundaries around your sexual activity he can imply consent to anything he wants by virtue of him telling you your body belongs to him.

How is everything @PrestonMum

Your body your rules whichever bed you’re in! There’s no wriggle room in that. You’re not his sex doll.

I guess if you like being submissive then you’d love what he said. If you respect yourself and your body you’d run a mile

I think having a conversation about consent and what it means in your relationship is great.

But I fail to see how giving blanket consent can be acceptable to either side. You may, in general, be happy to have him touch you sexually while you're asleep. But what if you don't feel well, or you're just really tired, or you're pissed off with him? You always have the right to change your mind and say no, and that would override your previous consent. That applies even if he's just about to come - you say no and he has to stop.

So talk through all the possibilities with him and only carry on with him if you both agree and you feel safe with him

Those two things are not mutually exclusive...

OP, he ghosted you two years ago after you had sex, so you know he’s selfish, unkind and unreliable. What has he done to impress you this time round? I’m sure you can find someone better than this.