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Original poster

Is he abusive

65 replies

PrestonMum · 20/09/2022 11:09

Hi first post here but have read posts over the years and now need a bit of advice.

I’ve recently started seeing a guy from 3 years ago, (it ended back then when he ghosted me…) but he’s come back now and says he’s regrets it.

I met him for the first time since , had a few drinks and went back to his, which I’m fine with as we were already at that stage last time.

however before we got into bed he told he that this is his bed and there is no rules , anything goes wether your awake or asleep. He said if I have a problem with that I need to sleep on the sofa away from me.

im just confused as to wether he’s got a problem with sexual control or if he was being very respectful and telling me the truth upfront so I could make an informed decision ?

any thoughts on this ? Has anyone experienced this before ?

he is very virile so perhaps this is just who he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrestonMum · 21/09/2022 20:23

@Choconut im going to take all the comments on board and be wary. I’m going round to his on Saturday and it’s my time of the month hopefully he will respect that…

OP posts:
EfficientDynamics · 21/09/2022 22:21

He sounds like a cunt

Twillow · 21/09/2022 22:27

Ew. I haven't read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating what has already been said. I imagine I am. He's saying he may have sex, in any form, with you without your consent, possibly when you are asleep (or drunk) - which is rape.
You are using the word 'virile' as if it's a valid reason for rape. Disgusting.

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/09/2022 23:16

I’m going round to his on Saturday and it’s my time of the month hopefully he will respect that…

Hes already told you he won’t, if he wants sex in any way, shape or form he’s going to have it regardless of consent. What is it about this man that’s making you put yourself at risk. Surely you aren’t so desperate for male company that any rapey bastard will do?

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 21/09/2022 23:19

OP you sound young and/or very naive.

It’s a unanimous run for the hills on here and yet you are still making excuses. This man is waving a red flag so large you can see it from outer space.

Bedazzled22 · 22/09/2022 06:42

Brutal is the word for sure. Hope you’ll be ok as who knows what will happen… why dont you think you should have a say in what happens to you sexually?

Bedazzled22 · 22/09/2022 06:53

OP you might want to post this on the relationships board. See what replies you get there?

AverageGuy · 22/09/2022 08:24

@PrestonMum Please do NOT have anything more to do with this "person".

You don't say how old you are, or what your previous relstionship experiences have been, but from what you are saying, this creature sees you as a sex slave.

I'd kinda missed the being so drunk you didn't know what was happening. Can you not see how vunerable and at risk you are in this state? You are unable to give (informed) consent when you are like that, so anything can happen.

Given he has told you "no rules" and "anything goes, awake or asleep", what's to stop him getting you drunk, and having three, four (or more) complete strangers in to gang rape you? Is that the kind of relationship you want to be in?

If you are insistent in shying away from the sexual connatations of what he has said, lets try this.

You awake one morning in his bed, to find he has cut most of your hair off, just because he felt like it. How would you feel?

America12 · 22/09/2022 09:47

PrestonMum · 21/09/2022 12:16

@AverageGuy he is very masculine and has a high libido is he not respecting me by letting me know prior?

if you woke up half way through the night with a ‘strong urge’ and your partner was asleep what would you do ?

Wait until they were awake and ask if they wanted to have sex.
Or go and have a wank.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 22/09/2022 10:44

Raise your standards fgs, he is a dangerous man.

Newusername21 · 22/09/2022 11:10

PrestonMum · 21/09/2022 20:23

@Choconut im going to take all the comments on board and be wary. I’m going round to his on Saturday and it’s my time of the month hopefully he will respect that…

Being on your period doesn't necessary mean no sex.
If it does mean no sex for you = that's absolutely fine though. Try telling this guy in advance "Oh BTW I'll be on my period at the weekend so wont be having sex" Ensure your comment is this obvious. Then see if he cancels - or if he tries to persuade you to have sex anyway.
That should tell you a lot - and as with other posters I'm seeing huge red flags in his attitude towards you.

Original poster
PrestonMum · 22/09/2022 11:30

@AverageGuy i think you could be right.

he’s just messaged me a picture of some lace underwear he’s ordered online and told me that’s what I have to wear when at his place. He doesn’t want me in ‘vanilla’ jeans and t shirt.

there is a few reds flags now

OP posts:
AverageGuy · 22/09/2022 11:34

@PrestonMum Just a few?

I might order a partner lingerie, in the hopes that she would wear it for me, but I'd never order her to wear them, nor would I tell her what to wear if she was visiting me.

Maybe this "person" thinks he is being a Dom, and that you are his Sub - did you want or agree to that sort of relationship?

Original poster
PrestonMum · 22/09/2022 11:55

@AverageGuy weve not spoke about that sort of thing.

i dated him for a few months about 3 years ago, we slept together then week after he said he was going to Italy for work for a week. I didn’t hear from him until a few months ago. He pestered me for 2 months until I finally agreed to a date. He said he’s changed and was too busy back then.

your right I think it’s too good to be true, that’s just my luck.

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 23/09/2022 00:00

You have the lowest standards of anyone I’ve ever seen. Block the rapist, never see him again and consider yourself lucky you’re still alive.

PinotPony · 24/09/2022 12:42

Christ alive! Run for the hills and don't look back.

You are confusing his honesty about his desires with abusive behaviour.

I've dated plenty of guys who were dominating and ordered me about. But that was after a very detailed conversation about limits and boundaries.

Anybody who lays down the law like this isn't a Dominant. They're just a dangerous cunt.

This isn't a little red flag... it's a huge indication that he can't be trusted. Please raise your standards.

whenithits · 24/09/2022 21:16

Is this a troll post?

you seem to be trying pretty hard to justify this to yourself OP.

no it’s not normal, it’s rapey but whatever.

Darbs76 · 24/09/2022 22:07

whenithits · 24/09/2022 21:16

Is this a troll post?

you seem to be trying pretty hard to justify this to yourself OP.

no it’s not normal, it’s rapey but whatever.

Exactly my thoughts

Original poster
PrestonMum · 25/09/2022 18:16

We went out for something to eat and drink last night. I brought up my concern on the ultimatum of sleeping in the bed or sofa. He apologised and said his ex used to like and encourage him to be assertive.

we had a good night and he made me breakfast in bed.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 26/09/2022 09:59

Ah, right. So it was a woman's fault. 🙄

Newusername21 · 26/09/2022 14:55

He apologised and said his ex used to like and encourage him to be assertive.
we had a good night and he made me breakfast in bed.
Sadly I think this is classic abuser behaviour. He's pushing blame onto an uninvolved person (his ex) and bouncing back with something nice (the breakfast) to distract you from his frankly vulgar attitude to your body.

You might want to see a thread today in AIBU where someone's partner started having sex with her while she was asleep. Almost unanimously she's being told she was raped.

Take heed @PrestonMum - this guy is showing you more red flags than a communist party committee meeting. Run.

Original poster
PrestonMum · 26/09/2022 15:16

@Newusername21
thankyou I will take a look, I suppose he didn’t offer her the couch.

OP posts:
AliBBK · 02/10/2022 07:47

@PrestonMum , this man you are describing is abusive and he wants you to agree with it.
He wants to get his own way without taking your opinion into account.
Please leave him asap, before things get complicated and you find excuses. The trip to Tenerife is already a trap. I am in an abusive relationship myself, torturing myself everyday with WHY I didn’t leave him earlier, the later you do it, the worse.
in my case now I have 2 children, I live in his house, and away from family and friends.
please leave him. You sound a good generous person, you can find another partner, or simply be happy with yourself.
I feel society makes us believe we always need a partner, and so we always end up with horrible people.

Summerhillsquare · 02/10/2022 07:55

Virile? He's a rapist.

Original poster
PrestonMum · 03/10/2022 10:18

@Summerhillsquare at the moment things are going well but taking on everyone’s advice.

He is very virile, he’s been told by a GP that he is naturally high in testosterone and should count himself lucky in life. However this also gives him a high sex drive and wanted to let me know before sharing a bed.

Perhaps it’s just a hormone thing not him being disrespectful.

OP posts:

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