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Original poster

Please help! Masturbation and boyfriend

57 replies

MaisieMoo02 · 16/08/2022 08:29

Hi

Okay, really looking for some help and advice please!

I am an extremely anxious person with quite low self esteem. My previous relationship was long term and quite mentally abusive but I have been going through counselling to sort my issues out as I have been bringing them into my new relationship.

The one issue I can’t get over though is my boyfriend masturbating. He doesn’t do it to porn (as far as I’m aware) and seems to do it in the shower most mornings. I will offer him a blowjob most mornings (he is more a morning person, I’m more of a nighttime!) most of the time he will take it but over the last couple of weeks, he’s said we don’t have time but then has gone in the shower and done it himself, I know it’s quicker doing it yourself but I do then feel a bit upset thinking I could have done it for him.

The last couple of weeks, we haven’t had sex as much as we used (maybe twice a week) as he’s got a stressful job but I know he’s masturbating (I heard him this morning in the shower!) but because of my anxiety, I am getting myself worked up daily thinking he’s not as attracted to me/not happy with our sex life.

I do know that masturbating is completely normal and I really don’t want it to bother me. I’m really just looking for some help and advice on how to get out of thinking like this as I know it isn’t healthy and I honestly hate the feeling 😔

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 16/08/2022 08:37

Not being facetious, but do you masturbate? Cos I'm thinking it would help solve two problems - in making you understand (in practice as it sounds like you already know in theory) that it's not the same as sex acts with a partner and unrelated to relationship health and happiness in that way. And secondly, in helping you release some of that anxiety. Obviously the counselling and some proper techniques to reframe your thinking are essential too, but instead of fixating on what he gets up to in the shower, it's gotta help to focus your mind (and body) on something more pleasant. Offering BJs every morning is not the solution and suggests your thinking has got very warped. Hope you can sort it.

AquaticSewingMachine · 16/08/2022 08:43

You need to take this into your counselling. It's not your boyfriend's issue to address.

Original poster
MaisieMoo02 · 16/08/2022 08:43

@Pinkdelight3 thanks for the reply!

Yes I do masturbate too which I know can seem a bit double standards when I get upset over him doing it! I thought it would help to release some of the anxiety but it doesn’t😔

I get a lot of closeness from sex too so not just about the pleasure side of things. You are right that offering the BJs every morning isn’t the answer and I know sex it’s meant to be fun etc but with how I’m thinking about it all now it’s because something that isn’t and it’s like I’m making it too regimented if that makes sense and in a way ruining it for myself.

I honestly wish I didn’t care and I want someone to give me the answer lol!

OP posts:
Original poster
MaisieMoo02 · 16/08/2022 08:46

@AquaticSewingMachine I agree, it’s not my boyfriends issue to sort as there shouldn’t be an issue!

I have mentioned it to my counsellor and it stems from my low self esteem and thinking I’m not good enough. This one issue just seems to be something extremely difficult for me to stop feeling bothered about and not sure how to.

OP posts:
muddlingthrou · 16/08/2022 09:02

Masturbation and sex do not equate to each other. Sometimes you want one and not the other, and it's no reflection on how your BF feels about you. As PPs have said, you need to address this in therapy as it is absolutely not your BF's responsibility to tend to your low self esteem by avoiding a v.natural human action. If you start down this road you will be controlling him through emotional blackmail. You need to urgently get a handle on these feelings before they ruin your relationship, and there's zero shame in getting external help to do so. Good luck.

Original poster
MaisieMoo02 · 16/08/2022 09:23

@muddlingthrou I know you’re right, I just wish I didn’t take it personally because as you say it is a very normal human thing to do. Honestly such an awful feeling

OP posts:
hewouldwouldnthe · 16/08/2022 10:47

Close the bathroom door and let him get on with it. It's not a reflection on you and frankly give him some space and privacy.

LeonardoLeonie · 16/08/2022 11:06

You offer him BJ most mornings? Maybe he'd prefer it if you offered a cup of coffee?

Original poster
MaisieMoo02 · 16/08/2022 11:12

@LeonardoLeonie not sure I understand your sarcasm? Are you meaning he obviously doesn’t want a BJ?

I guess the advice I’m looking for is if anyone can help me not take it so personally as I know I shouldn’t. Anxiety is very difficult to deal with at times so just looking for a bit of help

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 16/08/2022 11:16

I don't think there's anything we can say to help. It is a self esteem issue and you're probably feeling frightened and anxious that you aren't enough for him.

You can and will work through that as part of therapy and it will get better. In the meantime, just keep reminding yourself that your thoughts are only thoughts and not a fair reflection of what he's actually feeling.

Does it help to see it the same as going for a run? He's just releasing tension/relaxing. It really isn't a rejection of you.

LeonardoLeonie · 16/08/2022 11:42

@LeonardoLeonie not sure I understand your sarcasm? Are you meaning he obviously doesn’t want a BJ?

I will offer him a blowjob most mornings

Sounds a bit full on? Good morning dear, may I offer you today's BJ?

You are saying yourself that sex = closeness for you and maybe your partner doesn't feel comfortable with you offering morning BJs for your daily dose of validation and closeness?

You are breathing down his neck, maybe stop offering yourself up for this particular morning ritual and try and connect to him instead?

SmileyClare · 16/08/2022 11:51

Your insecurity is making you far too needy and intense. As the poster says above, you want a daily dose of validation from him every morning (via sex)
Stop relying on him to provide your self worth.

It's likely that he has a morning routine of a quick wank in the shower, it's not something you can control or change. How you can hear him I don't know!

savethatkitty · 16/08/2022 11:57

If you think you are not good enough, then you never will be! That is the issue you need to work on. You will ruin every relationship you ever have. "I think therefore I am". Our thoughts are wildly powerful. Change your thinking.

dampgreg · 16/08/2022 12:03

I've been where you are OP. When I first met DH I had come out of a ten year relationship that with involved DV and my self esteem was at rock bottom. I relied on DH for validation and to I was so needy. I wasn't in a good place (looking back I should have worked on my own issues first, but that's beside the point). I was so upset if we weren't having sex and I knew that he was masterbating too. I really thought it was an indication that he didn't fancy me.

Anyway, I'm not sure how I dealt with it. I did feel like that for quite a while, maybe a year or so. But DH makes me feel loved and supported and gradually my self esteem improved. At the same time I came to realise that sex and masterbation are not the same and I calmed down. To be honest it would have probably been quicker to go to therapy and speak to someone about my issues. 10 years on and I'm not that person that I was. I'm happy and settled and I give DH the space that he needs. This is your issue not his, try and work out a way that you can work on your self esteem. Good luck

Dirtylittleroses · 16/08/2022 12:05

You need more help than mumsnet can give and Have signficant mental health issues where you’re monitoring something so personal and trying to control it (offering oral so he doesn’t do it, wanting to always be involved, being needy)

I think you need to speak to your therapist, potentially even your gp in case there is anxiety or depression going on here also.

this is nothing to do with him or what he does.

girlmom21 · 16/08/2022 12:07

Doesn't it stop being enjoyable if you're doing it out of routine/anxiety rather than actually wanting to pleasure him?

He's right - wanking is quicker than a blowjob and he doesn't have to make all the right noises or whatever.

balalake · 16/08/2022 12:09

If it is in private and the result is cleaned up by him, no issue to me.

Original poster
MaisieMoo02 · 16/08/2022 12:18

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments. @dampgreg its a bit comforting to hear someone else has been in a similar situation as I’m sure others are too and glad to hear you can get out of it.

You are all right and @girlmom21 it definitely does become less enjoyable as my anxiety is causing it to be come very regimented which sex isn’t!

it 100% is a self esteem issue. I do know that wanking is different and deep down know that it doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to me anymore but anxiety is a little devil or another C word as I like to call it on my shoulder that won’t shut up! I just overthink and think because he wanks it will lead to us not having sex anymore (I do know this is unlikely)!

OP posts:
Maymaymay · 16/08/2022 13:00

I'm not sure how you know he does it in the shower, but ask him to make it less obvious when he's sorting himself out. That way you can be blissfully unaware (as it should be).

vaingina · 16/08/2022 14:28

Between 6-7.30a, across the UK there are literally millions of men having a quick want in the shower. Stop offering BJs every morning as that is probably sucking all the joy out of them for both of you.

PinotPony · 16/08/2022 15:44

Nobody can build your self-esteem but you. Focus on the stuff that is good about you. Write a list of all your positive qualities and why your BF is lucky to be with you. Get him to add to the list. Stick it up where you can see it every day.

His masturbation habits have nothing to do with his attraction or feelings towards you. It's a perfectly healthy activity that most people do. Try not to think about it as a rejection of you because it's not. It's no different to him brushing his teeth... although may take longer than two minutes! Leave him to it.

I hope you manage to improve things with therapy.

Mysticguru · 16/08/2022 19:41

Seems all a bit habitual to be honest.

I agree with PP, work on your self esteem. BJ's every morning do not make you more desirable or more loved.

He might want to look at himself too. Wanking every morning is a habit and has nothing to do with him being aroused.

notlongtoo · 17/08/2022 11:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ThinkOfABetterUsername · 17/08/2022 11:34

So so somewhere there's a spare BJ on offer every weekday morning? 🤔

ThinkOfABetterUsername · 17/08/2022 11:41

Breakfast is the same. He'd prefer a leisurely massive fry up with two mugs of fresh coffee.

...but the reality is cornflakes get him out the door faster.

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