Please help! Masturbation and boyfriend

[MaisieMoo02]

Hi

Okay, really looking for some help and advice please!

I am an extremely anxious person with quite low self esteem. My previous relationship was long term and quite mentally abusive but I have been going through counselling to sort my issues out as I have been bringing them into my new relationship.

The one issue I can’t get over though is my boyfriend masturbating. He doesn’t do it to porn (as far as I’m aware) and seems to do it in the shower most mornings. I will offer him a blowjob most mornings (he is more a morning person, I’m more of a nighttime!) most of the time he will take it but over the last couple of weeks, he’s said we don’t have time but then has gone in the shower and done it himself, I know it’s quicker doing it yourself but I do then feel a bit upset thinking I could have done it for him.

The last couple of weeks, we haven’t had sex as much as we used (maybe twice a week) as he’s got a stressful job but I know he’s masturbating (I heard him this morning in the shower!) but because of my anxiety, I am getting myself worked up daily thinking he’s not as attracted to me/not happy with our sex life.

I do know that masturbating is completely normal and I really don’t want it to bother me. I’m really just looking for some help and advice on how to get out of thinking like this as I know it isn’t healthy and I honestly hate the feeling 😔

@notlongtoo mines actually higher than his! But he tends to be up for it on a morning whereas I’m more a nighttime. I have thought about doing it together but we have 3 children which makes things a bit more difficult and it tends to be on a morning we don’t have time for much as we both work full time too.

He has said he is stressed at the minute with work and we are looking to buy a house but have a few different directions we can take so has been open and said he isn’t really in the mood. I’m happy he is being open with me but then my anxiety and self doubt kicks in and thinks why does he masturbate then? But from what I’ve gathered with men it’s more a release that they need?

I guess I’m just worried that the masturbating will replace sex🫤

It's great you can talk about this with him.

If you're worried it's gonna replace sex then every now and then tell him before his shower that you will be gagging for it that evening and you want him to save up as much cum as he can. (And always deliver on that promise.)

He'll gladly tolerate being uncomfortable and pent up all day with that on offer.

If not then you might have some further questions for him.

@ThinkOfABetterUsername he’s already told me before that if he needs to on a morning he needs to otherwise it won’t go away!

there have been times before when he’s done it on a morning either himself or a BJ from me then he’s given me something or we’ve had sex on the night.. it’s just been recently he hasn’t seemed interested. Like I said he’s been honest and said he’s stressed which I appreciate but there is a niggle from me that is wondering if he is getting a bit bored. My anxiety can also come into it (of course)

He doesn’t need ‘to look at himself’. There’s nothing wrong with a daily wank in the shower, ffs. And so what if it’s become a habit? It’s clearly a pleasurable one for him. The only reason this is an issue is the op’s low self-esteem and the fact she’s listening at the door when he showers.

Personally, I think it is an issue that he needs to address if he's wanking instead of sex with his spouse.

Wanking in addition to sex with spouse is fine, of course.

If the issue is he's less interested in sex then have you tried jazzing things up? Porn and/or toys are the go to methods. (Or so a friend told me, obviously I don't know first hand. 😳)

They’re still having sex, twice a week, plus the morning blowjob on offer. He has told her he’s stressed, for very valid reasons, and he’s been open about the impact that’s had on his interest in sex. He’s been upfront and reasonable here, she hasn’t.

Twice a week - that's a bloody famine! Personally, I think wanking every weekend day morning and having sex twice is nowhere near a reasonable balance. (Unless twice a week is what the OP wants in which case fantastic, everyone is happy.)

Well that’s individual, isn’t it. People will have differing opinions as to what’s a good balance and they will change depending on circumstances.

Now I write the above, twice a week with three young kids doesn't seem insane. Is the OP sure she has time for more sex? Or have they actually reached an equilibrium that suits them both, with him making up the shortfall before work? 🤔

They need to talk and wanking isn't the topic they need to talk about.

It's individual but they are married so it's something they have to work out as a pair unless they want someone to be miserable for the rest of their lives.

@ThinkOfABetterUsername @sammylady37 I don’t know if he has a wank every morning, I think it is most mornings but not 100% sure. This is where anxiety and over thinking comes in!
My worry is that wanking will over take the sex but I can’t make that judgement just yet as he has talked to me and given me very valid reasons as to why he is stressed.

I would say we used to have sex about 4 times a week so it has gone down a little bit but I know this can happen in relationships.

To me, he only needs to change things if he is wanking instead of sex but currently at the minute this is completely my issue with my anxiety and low self esteem. To me, I need to be there to support him while he is stressed as that is what a good partner does and hopefully it won’t be a long term thing. He has said it is not that he isn’t attracted to me/findings things boring and I need to let myself believe that

Well yes, but I guess my point was that it’s not unreasonable for him to have reduced interest in sex at a time that he’s stressed, and for him to have explained that to her, and that him continuing to wank is still ok in that context.

Sounds like everything is fine. TBH as long as he feels able to tell you anything without reproach and vice versa you'll always know what's going on in each others heads.

I'd agree. And the OP isn't suffering so fine.

If the OP was suffering I'd say DH should step up to the mark. He can no more substantially refuse sex because he's stressed than he could refuse to mow the lawn or load the washing machine. ....and sex is less tiresome than loading the washing machine.

@ThinkOfABetterUsername only suffering in the way of ridiculous anxiety and overthinking 😩

Go and have a wank in the shower, you'll feel way better. 🤣

Err, what? Of course he can refuse sex if he wants to. Jesus. That shouldn’t need to be said.

Well he can he can refuse to do anything, but it's not going to make for a happy life for them both.

Fortunately, thats not what's happening here. They both seem content, despite some self inflicted angst.

@ThinkOfABetterUsername haha might have to!

Also, he has said no to sex along with it being less than normal, that’s one of the reasons my anxiety is going mad. Of course he can say no as he’s saying it’s because he’s stressed so doesn’t feel in the mood to but is then wanking sometimes which is why I’m over thinking

In theory, while I and probably every other man in existence would probably think a blowjob every morning is heaven, in practise it's probably not. Blowjobs are special, if I'm getting one every day then they're a little bit less special, especially if I suspect that I'm only getting them because my wife feels she has to to stop me wanking.

For me, wanking and sex are two completely different things (and I'm classing anything I do with my partner as sex here, even if it's a handjob)

Lets say wanking is a bowl of cornflakes, and sex is a Full English Breakfast. I love a fry up, it's one of my favourite ways to start the day. I do not love cornflakes, but they fill a hole and let me get on with my day.

So why don't I want a fry up every day? If I have one every day then it becomes less special, it's not a treat. It also takes longer to make and eat. I can also eat my cornflakes in the shower, saving time (I never said this was a good metaphor!)

Now lets really stretch the metaphor to breaking point. Lets say a blowjob is a fry up, but it's been made by my partner, and she's made it just for me, she's not having any herself. The first few times this happens, I'm going to be really appreciative, and then after a while I'm going to start feeling guilty that she's going to all this effort for me. That's fine, I'll make her a nice roast tonight to reciprocate.

But I don't want to make a roast every single night. I'd much rather we make a meal together a couple of times a week that we both really enjoy, and every once in a while I'll make her roast, and every so often she'll cook me my fry up as a treat. And on the other days I'll grab myself some cornflakes.

But I'm still getting a fry up every single morning, I'm beginning to think she's got a weird thing about me eating cornflakes in the shower.

(Clarification: a wank is not always cornflakes. Some really good porn, mood lighting, a fleshlight and some lube and you're at least up to Eggs Benedict. But a quick two minute hand shandy in the shower, definitely cornflakes)

One last thing I forgot to mention. Contrary to popular opinion, a mans dick and his brain are not completely disconnected from each other. If I've got 8 million things running round my head, it's not exactly conducive to maintaining an erection. If I'm in the shower, and it disappears on me, then its a case of shrug and move on.

If it happens during sex, then that's mortifying for me, and can lead to a vicious cycle of worrying that its going to do it again, and so it does, so then I worry again the next time, and so it happens again etc. etc. I've had this happen before, and it now puts me right off the idea of sex if I might not be 100% in the right frame of mind.

And I can only imagine that is you're anxious now, you'll be even more so when his cock shrinks while you're busy with it. So I'll try and pre-empt that now. A man getting an erection can be all about you, a man losing an erection has absolutely nothing to do with you.

What kind of double standards crap of this ? , anyone can refuse sex for any reason they want , this includes men,

They can refuse to do anything they want. But that will have an impact on their partners happiness.