Why do people cheat?

[Whydopeoplecheat]

I have been thinking about this question for a while and it’s difficult to find an answer. I ask because every relationship I have been in, the guy has cheated on me, not always sexually but other means.
The only real logical reason I can think of is, men have a different need to have more than one person in their life, one who may be an emotional relationship, sexual relationship or maybe just a companion relationship. I should add there has never been a lack of sex in any of my relationships, I’m an attractive woman, slim etc but really that doesn’t matter, does it?

What are your views?

I think it's usually to do with sex and ego.

Men want to sew their wild oats.

I have been cheated on and it hurt like hell.
Especially when I was young and just could not understand why it happened because our relationship had been great. I think in the end I have realised that it wasn't to do with me not being enough/ not doing something that they wanted. Guys just want to shag around.

I don't think an easy distinction can be made between men and women on this. Some men cheat and some women cheat.

Over the years several male family members and friends of mine, deeply committed to their relationships/marriages have been devastated when their wife/partner has upped and left them for someone else or who have been found to have been "playing the field". In a number of cases there have been children from the relationship but that seemed to have made no difference. And these men were great husbands/partners and dads and were left without any explanation too. And of course it happens the other way round.

I think that it's just that some people - whether it's men or women - cheat for reasons not easily explicable sometimes.

It's horrible when it happens though and it sounds like you've had a run of men who basically don't deserve you. I hope you soon meet a guy who gives you total lasting commitment and care.

LancashireLad
I am married now and yes my DH cheated on me in the early days, we met young. I also think there’s possibly been things I don’t know about but I have no proof. I don’t think he would now. I don’t trust men anymore, I never will.

I can only say I'm really sorry you've had these experiences. Speaking as a man I can honestly say I've never been like this or ever would be. In the relationships I had before my marriage and in my marriage now I never felt the need to look at another woman and I have two brothers and male friends who I know are the same. Not all men have an inevitable tendency to cheat. Easy for me to say but it's true.

What do you mean by non-sexual cheating?

Catullus5
By other means, I mean non-sexual, ie emotional affairs.

LancashireLad
I know not all men cheat or will but it has taught me to trust no one and I know it works both ways. When I was with my ex, he wanted us to have a baby together but was cheating on me the whole time. Why would he have entertained bringing a child into the world whilst he was cheating on me and putting my sexual health at risk. I don’t understand it.

They are very good at compartmentalising. He probably did want those things with you. But obviously wanted a bit of something else too.

In the 90s, XH and I got together in our early 20s. He had 3 girlfriends before me. He cheated on every one. It became a joke through the years that I was the only one he'd never cheated on.

Until he did... Took him 10 yrs before he started, but he cheated. Hid it from me for years.

For him, he said it was the thrill, the excitement, the newness of it, the being wanted by someone, someone desiring him, feeling attractive. He liked the buzz it gave him.

New partner has never cheated on any of his partners. Feels much safer.

OP- have you thought about why you go for the type of man you do? Could it be that you're subconsciously seeking a type of man who does cheat?

Cowardice/failure to approach a root cause of a problem from men or women doing it? Conflict is unpleasant, but hiding thoughts or feelings about someone else is worse.

If you're just a twat claiming your sex life is getting boring and want to seek an ego boost without their consent you're avoiding tackling a problem in your existing relationship. Long term compatiability, differences as you've got older, one party not wanting a long term thing. Theyre all okay, but If you need to hide it you know it's wrong.

If you come at it from the "he/she doesn't listen to me/respect me/love me/get me nice things/takes me for granted", so I've fallen for someone else you're much the same. There's a conflict in your relationship you're avoiding, so you're running off to a fantasy exciting land again instead where you can feel that early stage rush in a relationship while holding onto the stability and benefits of a long term relationship - even if its dead in the water.

Even if that couple is going through it, trying to bring it back/counselling- affairs be it physical or emotional whilst claiming to be committed to trying to fix it are not the right way to do it

jumpking
How do I look for men who don’t cheat? I don’t think I attract a particular sort. I knew family men from my previous employment who were admired and had not been faithful, I’ve been propositioned by these men as well, they just want sex and to carry on living a different life with their oblivious wives who give them security. They want security and freedom.

I definitely think that there is something in the ego thing with the kind of people who cheat - that is some deep underlying need for affirmation and "excitement" offered by somebody new, which is so strong that everything else - exclusive commitment to partner, reputation, career, and even children - can go out of the window. Often covered up at the time before it comes out and turns everything upside down.

And whilst I wouldn't deny that the male ego can be a desperately sensitive and vulnerable thing, I believe that men and women are more similar in this regard than we sometimes think - in terms of the type of men and women liable to cheat and those who never would.

A previous poster said that men can "compartmentalise" things, which is exactly the word my first long-term girlfriend said to me to describe herself when she tearfully admitted to me that she'd had a one-night stand with another guy in her first term at her uni. She told me that she still loved me, wanted to be with me, etc but also wanted the exciting life of "freedom" as a uni student.

She said that for some reason in her head she could switch from one to another. I did actually believe her, and at least she was being honest with me! I forgave her in the hope that this was a one off and somehow we carried on. Until it happened again, and again with other men. That finished it really and wrecked me for months. I thought this was the girl I was going to marry. I never had and would never have looked at anyone else.

Whilst I could say that this was just a lack of maturity on the part of a 20 year old I know people of that age who would never behave like that in their relationships and also people in their mid-forties - men and women - who do.

At 22 it was a learning experience for me for sure. I'm glad it all happened now as I would never have met the the lovely woman who's been my wife for the past 25 years. But it hurt like nothing else at the time.

Because monogamy is fundamentally challenging for some people? A social construct rather than a rational one? And because it is presented as the only acceptable choice, we buy into it before we realise that it’s just not for us. By which point we have children, a life, a loving spouse who’s never done anything wrong but who just isn’t enough? Non-monogamy is the last great taboo, and until we can be more open about how nigh-on impossible some people find it, and discuss open relationships as an acceptable choice for some, lives will continue to be unnecessarily destroyed.

I find monogamy incredibly easy but a lot of people have FOMO I think and always think the grass is greener elsewhere, otherwise they want to have their cake and eat it. Low self esteem, always looking for an ego boost and just plain selfish are all also reasons IMO. If you just aren't interested in monogamy then why have a relationship let alone get married and have kids. No one is forced into these things and people are often in relationships for quite a while before they get married or have children.

I don't think people not wanting to be monogamous is an issue at all if you're open and honest about it, unfortunately they often want to have a security blanked at home as well who is blissfully unaware that they also want to shag around behind their backs.

*blanket

But even now we are so heavily brainwashed into believing that monogamy is the only “right” way to behave. To me, it feels akin to the way heterosexuality was previously portrayed. I certainly have experienced immense shame and guilt about my non-monogamy, even living in a very liberal world where gender fluidity and all types of sexuality are accepted and celebrated. This makes it incredibly hard for people to be able to make this choice honestly and openly. I am very struck by the extent to which my children, who will defend to the hilt people’s right to all sorts of lifestyle choices, are still extraordinarily wedded to the idea of a life partner and monogamy. It makes it very very challenging to be brave enough to forge that path openly.

Because you're looking for men that excite you, and that dickish behaviour unfortunately comes with it.

It's not just that vast swathes of men and women are shit who cheat, its how you find your partner too.

Think about your male friends. I bet there's plenty you see as a brother or a good mate that would fall over themselves to be with you (because theyve all thought about it), but your filter on the world doesnt pick that up.

Flerp
I don’t look for men that excite me, they’re perfectly normal guys I’ve had relationships with.

EpicDay
Non-monogamy is fine if you’re open about it, I have nothing against it. Doing it without the person having no say over whether they choose to remain in a non-monogamous relationship is completely different. Especially when you’re putting someone’s sexual health at risk.

But the jist of what you're saying is that so many people youre with cheat. Okay, you're not consciously looking for them, but it's coming out in your behaviour isn't it?

I'm not excusing them one bit. I'm not excusing anyone who cheats - physical or otherwise - it's awful - but who you're with can dictate a lot of it

Saying that monogamy is just a 'social construct' that we're 'brainwashed' into accepting misses the point. A generation or two ago would have said it was 'bourgeois'. And they would also missed the point, ie, that we are social and so we have rules that allow us to socialise, treat each other well, and get treated well.

This article is mostly about the effects of porn, but it contains some good illustrations of what life is like when monogamy is not the expected norm:
i.stuff.co.nz/life-style/gender-and-society/300624023/an-entire-generation-has-been-programmed-by-porn--and-thats-dangerous

From the article:
Talk to them about “exclusivity”: for our kids there is no assumption of exclusivity unless that is explicitly said; so you can be dating someone for six months and they can be sleeping with everyone else in sight – and that is fine if it is an “unexclusive agreement” – known as a “situationship”. Although of course it’s not fine because if you are sleeping with someone regularly you inevitably catch feelings and end up hurt. No wonder our kids are confused. No wonder we have a youth mental health epidemic.

Egoism, selfishness, lack of empathy, the systematic ditching of love, and the unnatural separation of love from sex: exactly what the expectation of monogamy protects against.

How is it coming out in my behaviour?
Why are you making this about me?
I have no control over someone else’s ability as to whether they choose to remain faithful or not.

A lot of men do it because they can. Opportunism. They want more sex with more variety than at home. A lot have no intention of leaving their partners.

GentlemanJay
I could do it but I choose not to, so why is it so difficult for a man not to do it. I don’t think it’s necessarily just about the cheating, it’s the lying about where you are and what you’re doing which is also an issue in itself. At the end of the day, if you want to shag about, just be honest and leave the person you’re with.

I personally never did it, but don't know what i'd actually do if confronted by the situation. I have a few (presumably) happily partnered-off friends who I would likely struggle to say no to if they were to make the first move.

I like to think i'd still say no (in many ways the logistics and finances would be much, much easier than saying yes not to mention not wanting to live with the guilt of letting DP down like that), but I can't honestly really say what I would do. I've declined simple one-night stand scenarios owing to ongoing relationships, its the stuff involving long-term friends who i've admired for some time that may be trickier for me.