Why do people cheat?

[Whydopeoplecheat]

I have been thinking about this question for a while and it’s difficult to find an answer. I ask because every relationship I have been in, the guy has cheated on me, not always sexually but other means.
The only real logical reason I can think of is, men have a different need to have more than one person in their life, one who may be an emotional relationship, sexual relationship or maybe just a companion relationship. I should add there has never been a lack of sex in any of my relationships, I’m an attractive woman, slim etc but really that doesn’t matter, does it?

What are your views?

I don't agree, I believe monogamy is completely rational, it's a fundamental part of an organized society. It's deliberately designed that way.
Any deviation leads to chaos and that is exactly where we're headed.

Back to the op, men and women cheat for different reasons, men can and do love their wives and cheat mainly for sex and validation. When women cheat the relationship is over, done, and emotionally detached.
I also think, cheating can be habitual, it's a course of action, a response. I feel we have poor boundaries and a distinct lack of respect for others and relationships.
All for what, an orgasm, a rush, a feeling.

Hrpuffnstuff1
Spot on

I also think it’s ego. DP and I have an open relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean we’re out every weekend looking for new people to hook up with (in fact, we can go for months being effectively monogamous or only playing occasionally with close friends) but it does give us both the freedom to pursue something if we’re at a party or club and get talking to somebody new who we fancy; and I know that DP in particular really likes that aspect of it. That he doesn’t take the opportunity to actively seek out other women very often, despite a very high sex drive, has always implied to me that it isn’t so much the sex with a new person aspect as the ego boost and thrill. He likes knowing that women want to talk to him or kiss him, he likes feeling desirable and attractive, he likes flirting and being flirted with. And perhaps because the option to take it further is always there, rather than forbidden and something to be denied as would be the case were we monogamous, the impetus to do so never really strikes.

I don’t think many people who cheat are bad people who want to hurt their partner, I think it’s mainly weakness, and often being caught up in the ego boost of somebody else being attracted to you.

EpicDay I agree with your posts.

As with many things human, we tend to take things that are pleasurable, free and harmless and make them “bad”. Much of this stems from religion I imagine.

As others have said, some humans crave excitement more than others…..posters talk about pleasure-seeking this as if it’s a bad thing. It’s simply a set of moral standards and that is all. Actually we are wired to seek sexual pleasure so those who particularly feel that urge and act on it - you could argue - are better at human-ing than those who stick with one person

I do understand monogamy might be practical in a time without contraception or protection from diseases but what harm is done if for instance my husband kisses another woman? The only “harm” is that I am conditioned to be “upset” if I find out ie my feelings are hurt.

I am not talking about open relationships, that is an agreement between two people. I am talking about cheating on someone which includes lying and being deceitful and putting their sexual health at risk. It is not bad to seek pleasure or want a sexual relationship with more than one person and that’s not what I’m saying. It is doing it without the other persons knowledge and also allowing your own sexual health to be at risk.

If there is no risk of disease/pregnancy what is the harm if I for instance snog someone other than my husband? Or a guy touches me?
We can strongly mitigate the risk of disease/pregnancy nowadays. The “harm” is your hurt feelings, that is all. If you never found out, there would be no harm.
As for lying, people have to lie because society says it’s unacceptable. You should see the reaction on here if someone says they're married and FANCY someone else let alone anything else.

You clearly set a very low-bar and have poor morals but I don’t. No one wants to be with someone deceitful, or someone who is willing to risk your health. If you’re willing to accept that, that’s up to you but I’m not!
If I never found out it wouldn’t harm me clearly but that would also mean I’d spent years living with someone dishonest.

Morals are a social construct though. You may deem mine “poor”, that’s your opinion only and not fact.

You haven’t explained - and I suspect you can’t - how someone’s health is at risk if I eg kiss another man. Now shagging yes that’s more risky but a snog and a grope? Zero risk.

What it amounts to is “I don’t like it”. Which is fine, you don’t have to like it. But you’re conditioned not to like it, it’s not inherent.

EpicDay and Siameasy
So the basic principle here is that there are no principles where self-indulgence is concerned? If it feels good to me I just go ahead and do it whatever the cost to the happiness of those we purport to care about? That self-control, consideration for others, existing commitment to a partner who wants an exclusive relationship and potentially the stability and happiness of a young family (maybe two young families) are outmoded concepts for those who "just can't help themselves" as far as their sexual urges/desire for affirmation is concerned? That if our partner never knows then "there's no harm done"?

It might be very hard at times (literally and metaphorically) but surely we human beings should aspire to be better than this?

Conditioned by whom.
Part of all fundamental human action is PAIR bonding and then mate guarding.
The reason being is the protection of the offspring and in turn civilization. Due to lax rules on morality, we're already going down the other side already.
All societies that place sexual pleasures with no boundaries collapse eventually history tells us this. They become unstable.

Mate guarding has been on display in this yrs Love Island, it's been quite funny watching the men try is disguise their feelings. No man likes girls' nights out, or their partner flirting with another, even muscular Alpha types. It's actually chuckle-worthy watching the guys disguise these feelings.
Humans have all kinds of physiological responses to mating which serve a protective function. I think men and women think and feel differently about this too.

Why should we aspire to be “better”. Sex is the pinnacle.
Why is it “better” to deny yourself pleasure. I actually would call that stupid. Honestly, there are no medals at the end of this.

What harm is done if eg my husband kisses another woman or touches her sexually? No one seems able to explain this.

I mean he actually might be happy, he might return to me with some new techniques, more confidence. She might enjoy it. It might give us a new lease of life. But apparently that’s wrong.

Part of all fundamental human action is PAIR bonding and then mate guarding.

However you feel about cheating, there’s virtually no anthropological basis by which to assume the model of pair bonding to raise a family is particularly natural for humans. Of what we know of the “lesser contacted” societies which remain in the world, what seems to be most common - and which is generally therefore assumed to have been most common in the past - is polygyny for procreation and family structure and in terms of child-rearing, the older / inactive members of the society provide childcare for the children of the tribe whilst their own parents are carrying out the activity which allows the tribe to subsist. Monogamy is a relatively modern social construct with its roots in religion and economics rather than biology; and it’s only very recently that monogamy has also been expected of men rather than just women.

@Whydopeoplecheat That’s pretty desperate to search someone’s previous posts. The points you seek to make should stand alone - they clearly can’t.

You still can’t explain what “harm” is caused if my husband kisses another woman. Apart from you don’t like it

What if I kiss another woman? Is that bad too? Is “harm” done?

Youre not compatible with someone who doesn’t exclusively have sex with you, that’s all. “Cheating” isn’t real. Another social construct. Like gender and virginity…

Think more critically instead of being a sheep

Touched a nerve did I!
It’s not desperate, you are clearly a fake person, telling one person on another to seek therapy for something on here that you’re trying to normalise. So make up your mind and be consistent.

I’d rather be a sheep than have no self-respect and such a low-bar. Many people can achieve a monogamous relationship, so clearly it works for many, unless you’re weak! Like i said, try therapy and get some self-respect, whilst your there, raise your bar!

@Siameasy

To answer your question, it’s not just about harming the person, it’s taking away their choice of exclusivity, I don’t want to have sex with someone who engages in risky sex with others and I have a right to agree or disagree to that, it shouldn’t be an enforced decision carried out by the other person that’s done behind your back.

psiloveyou.xyz/what-happens-to-your-brain-after-having-too-much-casual-sex-41a206c7f303

'When an individual chooses to engage in casual sex, breaking bond after bond with each new sexual partner, the brain forms a new synaptic map of one-night–stands. This pattern becomes the “new normal” for the individual. When and if the individual later desires to find a more permanent partner, the brain mapping will have to be overcome, making a permanent bond more difficult to achieve'.

This is what I meant by habit, I've been there and bought the t-shirt. It's very difficult to break the behavior because we actually change our brains.

The article covers other topics related to sex too.

Surprisingly few people who cheat are doing so to have casual sex: research into infidelity consistently concludes that the most common scenario is that people are unfaithful with people they already have a bond with. A recent piece by the University of Colorado for example had over half (54 percent) of those reporting extramarital sex saying they were unfaithful with someone they knew well, such as a close friend. Almost a third of affairs are with someone who’s somewhat well-known, such as a neighbor, co-worker or long-term acquaintance (about 29 percent). And despite prevalence of the belief that men are more likely to be attracted to casual sex than women, there’s relatively little difference in the above figures in sex ratio. A high proportion of affairs last for months or years, so it clearly isn’t “just an orgasm”, or as simple as saying people cheat because they’re seeking a thrill.

My point is we as humans have boxed ourselves into a corner whereby there is an expectation that I will never even KISS another man (or woman?) just because I got married. I believe marriage is best for raising children. I also believe its a good business agreement for the female, especially if you’re going to give up work.

However, I don’t own my husband. The reaction on here if people say they are having desires or enjoy flirting with others is ridiculously censurious. Enjoy your moral high ground - as I said, there are no medals at the end.

For the record I’ve actually never slept with anyone else than my DH. I’ve had offers but since I’m conditioned to feel guilty I haven’t taken them up. My point is I recognise this and think the unrealistic expectation of what could be 40-plus years of suppressing our natural urges simply makes people unhappy.

When you’ve been married 10-20 years come back

“Fake person”. Seriously you sound so naive. You sound very upset about my values. Are you a religious right winger?

Ok so you lied in your other post then?
Moral high ground, how laughable, what because I have enough respect for my marriage not to do anything with someone that I happen to find attractive.

I have been married 10-20 years and have never cheated, even though I’ve been propositioned many times myself. I think you’ll find many women and men are the same, unless you’re weak and selfish!

Not naive at all, I just happen to not share the same values as you, thank goodness! Religious right-winger 😂

Is there any point in throwing insults around? You started a thread with an open ended question, asking why people cheat. If your mind was already set that it’s because they’re weak and selfish and have no morals, what was the purpose of seeking out other positions?

The same reason people start threads on Mumsnet, to hear other peoples views, it’s funny how those who don’t follow the same principles, make it about the person who has had no control over another persons actions and change things to fit their narrative. I am also allowed to disagree and use words I see fit to describe a person and their actions. All you and the other poster has done is post facts and focus on someone’s inability to have any self-control basically excusing the behaviour of those who cheat.

You’re allowed any kind of view you want, but it strikes me as rather pointless to specifically ask other people for theirs and then effectively say “no, I disagree with you, my view is the only correct one here.”

I find it hard to comprehend how some people are such ‘cheat’ apologists, it’s a basic moral principle to have respect for your partner, husband or wife. If you decide you no longer want to be in a monogamous relationship, it’s not hard to speak to your partner to give them the ability to walk away, cheating is enforcing their decision on you without you having a choice in whether you continue that relationship, that’s what I have an issue with.