Why do people cheat?

[Whydopeoplecheat]

I have been thinking about this question for a while and it’s difficult to find an answer. I ask because every relationship I have been in, the guy has cheated on me, not always sexually but other means.
The only real logical reason I can think of is, men have a different need to have more than one person in their life, one who may be an emotional relationship, sexual relationship or maybe just a companion relationship. I should add there has never been a lack of sex in any of my relationships, I’m an attractive woman, slim etc but really that doesn’t matter, does it?

What are your views?

Sure, I agree with you on the monogamy aspect. I know that I’d find it too difficult, so I don’t practice it. And in an ideal world, that’s what most people would do. But I imagine by the time somebody is several years, a couple of kids, a mortgage, and financial interdependence into a relationship, “just leaving” probably isn’t the simple solution it sounds like. I’ve neither ever cheated nor to my knowledge been cheated on but I can still recognise, as well as draw conclusions from various stats and research piece, that “cheaters are just bad immoral people” is far too simplistic a way to look at it.

@ComtesseDeSpair Ok, maybe I will expand on my experience and you might better understand how someone in such a position might feel. Whilst with my ex partner, he told me how much he wanted a family with me, how much he loved me and I believed this. He wanted us to try for a baby, I didn’t feel ready but I wasn’t adverse to the idea, so I said we’d see how things go over the next few months. One night I woke up with pains in my pelvic area, dismissed it as womanly cramps, took a pregnancy test but the cramps continued, only to then find out I had in fact had an STD, spoke to ex partner, he confessed to cheating, admitted to it being once but then found out it had happened more than that. Imagine if I was pregnant and was carrying an STD for months, or it was symptomless and only when I sought help it had affected my fertility? I felt awful and disgusting to have been exposed and my sexual health so recklessly ignored because he could not be honest enough to tell me he didn’t feel able to only have sex with one woman. It isn’t just about hurting someone, there is often many other factors that go on in the background.
It’s not about being simplistic, it’s about respect and honesty, without those it’s hard for a relationship to succeed. It’s the after-affects of the deceit, lies, trust etc that then follow you around that cause the most damage because someone could not be honest enough with you. I did have my choice taken away from me the moment he decided I wasn’t enough.

Mumsnet aren’t keen on people talking about previous posts tbh, they’ll probably delete this thread. Its pretty stalker ish as well.

However, I’ll have a nibble…. The married man incident was a long time ago when I was single and the poster in question wanted advice on not falling for married men which, if you’re looking for a potential husband/LTR, isn’t the best idea.

I don’t really see the connection with this and it’s completely out of context but you’re grasping at straws so 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m very interested in the topic but it’s very emotive for you so you’re probably not emotionally stable enough to debate it rationally

Mumsnet have the advanced feature for users to do this, it’s not stalkerish, you just don’t like the fact I’ve pulled you up on a previous thread.

It is relevant, on one post you are telling a woman who is messing with a married man to get therapy and refer to her low self-esteem, on here you are glamourising cheating.
So which is it?

Mentally unstable, that’s laughable, it’s not emotive at all, it happened in the past and doesn’t have any bearing on my life.

Can I ask you, do you have a daughter? Imagine if she told you that her husband cheated on her and gave her an STD. Would you honestly say, “Oh darling, it’s normal for men to want to have sex with other women, society have made us believe it’s not normal, don’t be so naive, maybe the women enjoyed it, maybe he’ll bring home a new technique for you!”

Nah, didn’t think so! Stop kidding yourself!

Your issue is that your ex partner gave you an STI which he may have got from those women or he may have already had when you got together and just didn’t tell you.

He was obviously stupid if he didn’t use a condom with those women he slept with and I agree that isn’t fair on you.

To answer the Q why do people “cheat” the answer is variety. Some people like novelty-they’re thrill-seekers. It’s not a reflection on you. You can’t be anyone other than you and you could be a page 3 stunna or whatever cliché he likes, contorting yourself into all sorts of crazy positions….if he’s a variety person he will get bored eventually.

Why would he then not use condoms if he knew he had an STD at the beginning and for your reference we both tested and shared results before we stopped using condoms which was actually for a fair amount of time, I had never had an STD myself before that point because I was careful not to put myself in a position where I was at risk of getting one but he took that choice away from me by not being honest.

Some people lie about STIs - not every couple gets tested; loads of people are quite lax about the whole thing.

That was foolish of him and I don’t understand why he would take that risk of having unprotected sex with a casual person but it seems to happen quite often.

Because monogamy is fundamentally challenging for some people? A social construct rather than a rational one? And because it is presented as the only acceptable choice, we buy into it before we realise that it’s just not for us. By which point we have children, a life, a loving spouse who’s never done anything wrong but who just isn’t enough?

Absolutely this. Spot on.

Everyone I know who've had affairs have had them with members of the opposite sex, with one exception, and she had several affairs mostly with men. I've talked to more women about having affairs than men, and the one thing all have had in common is that they weren't happy in their primary relationship. Sex or lack of it never caused the affair - thier OH was controlling, or spent too much time with their friends, or never wanted to go to the theatre or didn't want to pay for a new boiler or something else. They all felt something was missing and when they got talking to someone who validated their hurt, they got emotionally close and most of us connect sexual intimacy with emotional intimacy so sexual infidelity was then a consequence.

OP I'm sorry to hear you've had a rough time with partners and STDs.

What do you call emotional affairs? From your perspective, if its not sexual, what turns a friendship into cheating?

That's one of those irregular verbs, isn't it?

I'm being natural.
You follow social constructs.
They're a religious conservative.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think I’ve read enough and possibly tried to see things from different angles since posting this thread. It’s interesting how people have so many different views to infidelity, I know no two situations are the same. The one thing I do now realise is that not everyone is honest and to me that’s a basic principle in any relationship and it’s down to the individual persons own principles which are the foundations of a respectful and loving relationship. I don’t expect everyone to want to be devoted to just one person, I don’t assume that everyone wants to be in a monogamous relationship but it takes nothing away from a person to be honest with the person they’re with and to give them the choice to remain in the relationship or walk away, it’s never ok to enforce a choice on someone.

Lives in a sexless marriage for many years because I wasn't attracted to my husband but lived, and accepted, it. Menopause hit causing me to go into the sex surge - I didn't realise at the time. Craved a man. Craved a life. Craved affection - that I was so desperately in need of. I didn't, intentionally, set out to cheat. It never, ever crossed my mind. I met someone online who I got on with (yes, he is still in my life 5 years on) very well. Connection was there, and still is, on many levels. He never wanted to meet but we did. Again and again. Amazing times and memories that make me cry - just because it was so amazing to be with a man who noticed me, gave me lots of affection and passionate sex but, mostly, that we got on tremendously well as people. Both of us were married. Both living in sexless marriages.
I ended mine. I couldn't go on in it and feel now that I should've ended it years ago. I feel I have missed out. Dead marriage on many levels. He (OM) wouldn't end his - obviously. He stays in touch but we won't meet up again. It breaks my heart. I married when I was young and naive to a much older man. Big mistake.
I was totally out of it with the menopause at the time when it started but it changed me...and my life!!! I woke up!

‘I’m an attractive woman, slim etc but really that doesn’t matter, does it?’

Yeah not really. Slim won’t help you in terms of whether he’ll cheat or not. Attractive is subjective so 🤷🏼‍♀️

People cheat because new sex is exciting and variety is life enhancing. Also because marriage and the mono nuclear family thing is an utter scam.

Oh yeah? Who's scamming who then?

@Lookingoutside "People cheat because new sex is exciting and variety is life enhancing. Also because marriage and the mono nuclear family thing is an utter scam."
**
Not from where I'm standing. Just about to go on a fortnight's holiday to France with my amazing wife of twenty five years and our four fantastic young adult children. Can't wait.

Gosh! Do you know her?