Fine between two consenting adults or red flag? [Content warning added by MNHQ: Graphic descriptions of violence]

[NCformynewpost]

NC but long-standing member, just posting as I think I need a sense check before I find I’m too far into something too weird.

I’m in the early stages of seeing someone I matched with through OLD. This follows a 20+ year marriage and then separation of over a year. It’s the first sexual encounter I’ve had since STBXH. Sex with STBXH was pretty vanilla. Before STBXH I was a bit more adventurous but not much. I’m pretty open-minded generally though and in the context of a trusting relationship I would be fairly open to trying most things.

The person I’ve started to see has been quite upfront quite early on about sexual fantasies involving him and his partner (ie me in this case) capturing, torturing and killing someone. His view is it’s just fantasy, for talking and mutual turn-on in a safe space between us. But in his fantasies ‘I’ am very proactive in the torturing etc and he has me doing quite graphic and brutal things.

This particular kind of fantasy is absolutely all new to me and I’m currently not comfortable, although in a general sense of course I get that fantasies are usually very different from something you actually expect to happen or would carry out.

I guess my question is whether I should be running for the hills now, early doors, or whether something like this is acceptable within a healthy adult sex life?

Run, run as fast as you can….

That is not normal

(I say that as someone who's been to swinging clubs, torture garden etc)

GTFO

Wow I am open minded as fuck, but this is proper weird! It's the sort of stuff you hear in a murder documentary!

I wouldn't be comfortable at all OP!

Op, trust your instincts. You know this isn't right, which is why you're posting here. Psychologically normal men don't fantasise about torturing and murdering people. If his behaviour escalates and he hurts someone in real life (assuming he hasn't already done so), imagine how you'd feel knowing that you'd colluded in his sick schemes.

Your gut instinct is saying run away. Always listen to your gut instinct.

Run, run run.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Elaine_O%27Hara

This isn’t a healthy adult sex life fantasy. Not by a long stretch.
I thought the post would be about BDSM, but this is just put there.
Run, if you haven’t already.
The man is not well.

Thanks for all the comments and sense.

I’ve actually been speaking to him this evening and I get the impression that this has sprung from a previous relationship a few years ago, where it was actually the woman who introduced him to these kinds of fantasies in the first place.

I know none of that makes the situation any more acceptable, and in fact it also makes me think he’s trying to overlay what she was like, onto me. Which of course should be another red flag.

@NCformynewpost
I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either. He sounds like a freak! Run for the hills…

Run for the hills and the mountains beyond. In the bedroom l’ve done and instigated some things in my time, but if fantasy violence even remotely creeps in, I’m out!

@Rocaille

Op, trust your instincts. You know this isn't right, which is why you're posting here. Psychologically normal men don't fantasise about torturing and murdering people. If his behaviour escalates and he hurts someone in real life (assuming he hasn't already done so), imagine how you'd feel knowing that you'd colluded in his sick schemes.

This nails it. Jog on. There is fantasy and there is sick. I do not want, in a year's time, to read media reports of the trial of the new Fred and Rosemary West.

Run run run..

As the Pink Floyd song
Run like hell

Absolutely not normal.
It’s pretty awful considering these statistics.

Six women are killed every hour by men around the world, most by men in their own family or their partners.

A new report shows that in the UK a woman is killed by a man every three days.

Get out as fast as you can , a normal healthy sex fantasy is not that .trust your gut and run .

Jesus - do you even have to ask?

And report him

I'm a masochist who quite likes being "kidnapped" and "tortured" and even I think you should RUN!

Sexual gratification from the idea of killing other people is truly weird and worrying.

Not normal. In your position I would end the relationship now.

I'm surprised you need to ask OP. This flag is so red it's almost bleeding. Shut off all contact, this is not normal - how do you know that there hasn't been previous victims. They may be testing the waters, as it were, to do something nasty to you. Walk away NOW.

'But in his fantasies ‘I’ am very proactive in the torturing etc and he has me doing quite graphic and brutal things. This particular kind of fantasy is absolutely all new to me and I’m currently not comfortable, although in a general sense of course I get that fantasies are usually very different from something you actually expect to happen or would carry out. I guess my question is whether I should be running for the hills now, early doors, or whether something like this is acceptable within a healthy adult sex life?'

He has you doing brutal and graphic things in his sick torture fantasy and you're here asking if it is acceptable within a 'healthy sex life!? Wtaf. No op, it isn't.

Thanks everyone for your answers. I have the message loud and clear and appreciate the responses.

I'd appreciate it if this thread doesn't turn into a pile-on to me personally.

mmmmm....Id normally say that between to consenting adults anything goes, but both have to feel happy with it and comfortable to play out the scene. What he is suggestion however is making you uncomfortable and that has to be the red flag. There is also a distinction between adventurous and dangerous.

The person I’ve started to see has been quite upfront quite early on about sexual fantasies involving him and his partner (ie me in this case) capturing, torturing and killing someone.

Woah! No way. This is the sort of thing serial killers say. I'm not saying other people don't have murderous fantasies, but so do actual murderers.

But in his fantasies ‘I’ am very proactive in the torturing etc and he has me doing quite graphic and brutal things.

I would see this as, consciously or subconsciously, he's trying to groom you into doing that by making it clear that it would make him happy if you did.

I’ve actually been speaking to him this evening and I get the impression that this has sprung from a previous relationship a few years ago, where it was actually the woman who introduced him to these kinds of fantasies in the first place.

You don't know whether this is actually true or if it's another way of getting you to be ok with it/downplay your doubts. 'Well, X was really into it, she was the one who got me into it.'

Omg
Run for the hills

This sounds like how Fred and Rose Wesr may have begun their crimes…