Fine between two consenting adults or red flag? [Content warning added by MNHQ: Graphic descriptions of violence]

[NCformynewpost]

NC but long-standing member, just posting as I think I need a sense check before I find I’m too far into something too weird.

I’m in the early stages of seeing someone I matched with through OLD. This follows a 20+ year marriage and then separation of over a year. It’s the first sexual encounter I’ve had since STBXH. Sex with STBXH was pretty vanilla. Before STBXH I was a bit more adventurous but not much. I’m pretty open-minded generally though and in the context of a trusting relationship I would be fairly open to trying most things.

The person I’ve started to see has been quite upfront quite early on about sexual fantasies involving him and his partner (ie me in this case) capturing, torturing and killing someone. His view is it’s just fantasy, for talking and mutual turn-on in a safe space between us. But in his fantasies ‘I’ am very proactive in the torturing etc and he has me doing quite graphic and brutal things.

This particular kind of fantasy is absolutely all new to me and I’m currently not comfortable, although in a general sense of course I get that fantasies are usually very different from something you actually expect to happen or would carry out.

I guess my question is whether I should be running for the hills now, early doors, or whether something like this is acceptable within a healthy adult sex life?

Hello @NCformynewpost - we've added a content warning to your thread. Hope you don't mind.

I would be running straight to the Police Station about him tbh, these fantasies can very easily be real, it's not normal to brutally kill someone in your fantasy, it's premeditated and very wrong. Please run OP

I can’t read this and not comment.

He’s a manipulator and a dangerous one at that. He’s succeeded so far in exploiting your adventurous side and is trying to push you slowly but very surely towards his limits.

But what happens along the way? And when they are reached, what’s next?

He needs reporting. And that needs to be you. What if he goes on and harms someone.

You know this is over. It has to be.

This man is extremely dangerous. You need to protect yourself and what's more do the decent thing and try and help protect other women.

I suggest you speak to the police...at least they can record the information and if he appears in connection with other reports they can out the jigsaw together.

Fantasies are good and exciting but this is way out of bounds

I wouldn't report him because I wouldn't think there was anything to report. Thoughts aren't crimes. However I would get away as fast as I could.

I only met one really frightening man in my time but God he was scary - fantasies of hurting me instead. Not as frightening as this guy sounds.

I see echoes of Fred & Rose West, and Brady & Hindley, in this. As a former copper, I'd strongly advise you to forward what could be a significant piece of intelligence to your Police.

Sounds like the way Ian Brady groomed Myra Hindley, although she was clearly much more willing. Dump.

There's not really anything illegal he's done or anything the police will have any reason to note down unfortunately. There are a lot of weirdos in this world with disturbing fantasies (not saying this isn't more than average levels of disturbing.)

The only time the police might do something about it or even keep it on record, is if someone's a terrorist threat (he isn't, 'just' potentially a serial killer threat, which they don't do anything about.) Presumably he hasn't stockpiled any weapons illegally.

Just block him on everything (including email or anything at all that he has) OP. xx

me4real, I agree that there has been no illegal act, and before I go any further I must say that I have been retired from policing for many years, so practices may well have changed.

I am not sure about your view that the Police will do nothing if told about this man. His fantasies are on the outer edge of dangerous, and it would be a very foolish officer who did not record information about him if he were to be told. In my time we had Collators, later to become Local Information Officers, who kept records of anyone, and anything, interesting. The information they held did not have to be concrete evidence of criminal activity, but suspicions, whispers, and hunches were all noted. The first port of call when investigating a crime was usually the Collator's office to find out what he thought.

I really do think Police need to know about this man. They may decide not to record such information, but I really do doubt that they'd ignore it. Ian Huntley would never have got a job working in a school if people's suspicions about him had been recorded, so please tell the Police and let them decide what they wish to do with the information.

True no harm in having a word to them.

My husband fantasises about me wearing heels and nice lingerie (which I do), not torture and murder!

This sounds completely abnormal and like the kind of things you hear about on crime documentaries. Would really advise that you don't get yourself involved.

I never knew my eyes could open as wide as this.

FFS OP, why is this a question?

Definitely not okay. I think you should report this.

OMG no this is not weird and sounds like you should be afraid of him!