disturbing fantasies of seedy past experience

[me4real]

Do you ever have a fantasy that unnerves you? I know they don't necessarily mean anything or say anything about us.

I have bipolar and for a time when I was ill I did some weird stuff that normal-me would not necessarily be into, group sex with a group of anonymous much older guys.

Today I had a fantasy replaying that experience.

I'm just hoping it doesn't mean I'm getting ill again or something.

Are you on medication? Have you been taking it? Any other odd thoughts or upsetting happenings OP?

I'm good with taking one med, but the other I often try and cut down a little as it causes weight gain.

A few unusual things going on I guess. I get a bit more angry about past events when on less of med #2.

I cut ties with my dad but arguably that wasn't unreasonable as he could be quite unpleasant (not related to the angry memories thing, they're about random people.)

Changed my name to something maybe slightly weird.

Had a moment of feelings of fondness for my sleazy ex (that never happens!) and immediately hoped that I don't go back- not that he'd have me after I dumped him 18 months or so ago lol.

I don't like being ill, so if I get at all disturbed I tend to up med 2 again.

Have some other unrelated ongoing mildly annoying issues so am going to go into therapy again I think.

Will keep an eye on things.

Can you visit your GP to discuss the unwanted weight gain? And by the sound of it, you need medication 2 immediately...take it OP. And make an appointment to discuss the weight thing. There might be something the doctor can do.

@FortunesFave It's a common side effect of the meds unfortunately. But I want to get therapy to try and have more willpower around food.

I'm not quite overweight but bigger than I would want to be- just want to lose half a stone but I won't with my Deliveroo habit.

Focus on getting back on the meds today...and making an appointment to get the therapy you need for the food issue. The medication must come first so you're not getting unwell.

It sounds like you know how BP can affect sexuality.
Whether that's related to your current fantasies is impossible to say for anyone on a forum. If you suspect it's related, the BPUK forum is probably a better place than MN. At least there, you know people have experience behind their opinions and advice.
IMHO it's always best to talk to your pdoc before changing your meds. Assuming you can.

As for the fantasies, do you mean dreams or desires when you're awake?

Stay safe. :):

^It sounds like you know how BP can affect sexuality.
Whether that's related to your current fantasies is impossible to say for anyone on a forum. If you suspect it's related, the BPUK forum is probably a better place than MN. At least there, you know people have experience behind their opinions and advice.^

It's not particularly complicated in a way, whether someone is in an episode is just decided on the basis of marked changes in mood and behaviour to stuff that is different to what's normal for that person.

I do get more horny when I have it.

Suppose I'll have to keep an eye on things and maybe up the fattening med soon.

❤❤❤