Too much sex??

[flipflopshrug]

Hi folks

I've recently started a new relationship, we're about 2 months in and everything has been amazing. We're still in the honeymoon phase and have basically been at it like rabbits for the whole 2 months.. last night we DTD and afterwards he said he thinks he needs a few days off as his orgasms aren't as 'intense' as they were when we first met. He thinks he needs a few days where he doesn't cum so that he can 'build his reserves' (his words) so that it'll feel 'amazing' again. He said that when we first got together his orgasms were shattering and he'd feel them all over, whereas last night it was more 'yep that's it'.

Now I feel like I'm not doing enough to please him? Mine are still amazing, don't get me wrong there are instances where they're less intense than others, but they're still amazing.

I suppose I'm asking is it normal for men to need a few days sex free to 'recuperate'?

He said he still wants to have sex but he'll just make sure he doesn't finish... to me that sort of defeats the object- sex is amazing and the closeness of being with your partner is obviously a big part of it, but without the big finale surely it's an anti-climax (no pun intended) 😂

Please let me know your thoughts?

There are posts on here from women with children who's OH are effectively sex pests, as they are run ragged with the children, washing, ironing, housework etc, and are too tired, or too sore to think about sex, but their OH "expect" sex, and then posts from women who's OH don't seem to be interested any more..

As a man I’m always fascinated to read about men who have seemingly go off sex in a relationship/ marriage, somehow seems so odd to me, so not normal, I know people have up and downs, but to not want sex for years and years seems so strange

@JustAnotherOldMan tell me about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Isthisitforever - my XW lost her libido when Menopause hit.. It took a while to "filter through", as it where, but I'd say sexless for about five or six years, with a diminishing sex life before that, so around ten years in total.

BTW, everything is working just fine, thanks! happy to prove it!

@JustAnotherOldMan - it seems odd to those of us that still have a "normal" libido / sex drive.

I can confirm normal service has resumed 😬

@JustAnotherOldMan - In my opinion, I think some men become too familiar with their partners, especially after you’ve had their children. I also understand the stresses that men carry too and this can also impact on their sex drive.

@AverageGuy - That is a long time and I can imagine a frustrating time too. I am glad things are working as they should and you can catch up on those missed out years.

@flipflopshrug - Enjoy

@AverageGuy.
Yes & no, I appreciate that the dynamics of relationships change over time & sex can get pushed aside by other issues, work, money, kids etc, and sex can go on the back burner, for a while for anyone (it has done for me at times), but for some people (men and women), it never seems to come back to the forefront again,
Quite often seem to read on this forum threads from both sexes reporting that sex dried up after event x or y, (kids seems to be quite common), and cue the end of the relationship as the people become 2 living in the same house, and I’m sure that when these people finally split both parties go and find someone new to have loads of sex with.

Just an interesting dynamic of relationships I suppose

@Isthisitforever, bit of a x-post there !.
Yes I think sexless relationships are (generally), more relationship issues than actual sex issues, obviously not in all cases. It also goes the other way as well when women withdraw from the relationship and leave men “sexless”, but that’s probably reported more on this forum as men being sex pests. 🤷🏼‍♂️

@flipflopshrug

I can confirm normal service has resumed 😬

Hurrah!

@flipflopshrug that’s good news 👍🏼

@JustAnotherOldMan - Absolutely, sexless marriages are often a sign of deeper problems. The problem is once you allow the sex to slow down, it just widens that already growing wedge between you both, after that, it’s harder to restart that passion you once shared, then sex suddenly slips to weeks, months and years for some, even then, once you reignite that spark, it’s never the same.
I sometimes wish I didn’t feel the need to be desired, maybe it’s more evident because my marriage is on the rocks.

'Now I feel like I'm not doing enough to please him? Mine are still amazing, don't get me wrong there are instances where they're less intense than others, but they're still amazing'.

Well, I know everyone is different.. but I think this might just be a part of life where, biologically, women have an advantage over men, ie their capacity to endlessly absorb sexual pleasure. So, I wouldn't worry about 'pleasing' him.

@Isthisitforever - Can I just say I know exactly what you mean? You have put in a few words how things were with my XW. as I know how soul destroying it can be.

I'm sorry your marriage is also on the rocks, been there, done that, wearing the T-shirt... Have a long distance virtual hug - HUG!

As for being desired, I'm sure there are thousands of men that would find you desirable.

@AverageGuy - I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t find me desirable, there is just not a lot of desire/passion during sex anymore, he also stopped giving me oral and using his fingers for a longggg time, I spoke to him and things got better but they never went back to how things once were. I know there probably is but it’s not something I can do whilst I’m married.
All I want is sometimes for him to just take control and fuck me like he once did!

@Isthisitforever,
No advice for you, but good luck with whatever happens

@Isthisitforever - I get what you are saying. Sex has become mechanical, formulaic. Again, been there, done that..

It sounds like he is having piv for him, and not you. That's how I felt about my XW, but the other way around.

"All I want is sometimes for him to just take control and fuck me like he once did" Sorry sweetie, but I think those days are gone.. lots of remote virtual hugs...

I'm sorry, but I don't think that he does find you desirable any more - I think he may see sex with you as a chore (sorry - hugs & ) rather than a pleasure, hence he doesn't do much (if anything) to warm you up, as it were.

It'll be really really difficult, but maybe ask him outright?

Think about what you want.

Would you (both) consider couples / sex therapy (warning, Relate and similar organisations are maxed out) - you both have to want things to change for this to work..

Would you consider sex outside your marriage? An open relationship? Separation & divorce?

Living together after 2 months??

@crimsonlake I know it sounds crazy 🙈 we've been friends for 10+ years but drifted apart, recently reintroduced and have gone from there. Not officially living together but he's here most of the time.

@AverageGuyI don’t know why he wouldn’t find me desirable though, I’m still slim and I look after myself. I think it’s more the familiarity of being with me and maybe it just isn’t as important to him anymore.
Maybe I’ll consider therapy, however, finding the time is the problem.
He wouldn’t agree to an open relationship and I don’t think it’s something I could do, also it wouldn't feel right doing it behind his back.
Separation might be something we eventually do, it’s much more complicated when you have children though.
It’s difficult to know what is the right thing to do sometimes!

[quote flipflopshrug]@crimsonlake I know it sounds crazy 🙈 we've been friends for 10+ years but drifted apart, recently reintroduced and have gone from there. Not officially living together but he's here most of the time.[/quote]
Won't last....

@Snugglybuggly k, thanks 👍🏻 any reason why you've said that?

@Isthisitforever
But you aren't seeing yourself through his eyes.

The question is, how long can you live like this? Don't do what I did, and wait ten years hoping things will improve...

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him. Again, very very difficult to do, but maybe ask him outright if he still fancies you, and if he says yes, ask him why he doesn't do foreplay anymore, and go from there.

I understand having children makes separation very difficult. My two were over 18 when we split, and adult enough to understand.
Long distance virtual hug.

@AverageGuy - I know it’s difficult, it just means putting myself last, my children dote on him and he’s a good Dad to them, yes he’s neglectful to me in some ways but it just means putting my happiness to the side, for how long, I don’t really know!
We have spoken many times and I don’t want to feel like i have to ask but that he wants to do it. That he sees me as his sexual partner still and still wants to make time for us. I know it will never be like it used to be.

@flipflopshrug - sorry to have hijacked your thread...

@Isthisitforever - I've been where you are....

You "sound" resigned to your fate.. You aren't invisible, or a non-entity. You deserve to be treated as you are, an attractive sexual being - if he can't or won't, then why put yourself last? How is that going to help?

If the last 18 or so months have taught us anything, it's that life is far far too short. Don't wait for him to change - you say you've spoken many times, and he hasn't changed so far, so what are the chances he will?

Start putting yourself first. You deserve to be with someone that desires you and wants to have sex with you. Trust me, it's amazing when that happens!

We have been together 40 years and my Dh has never mentioned time to recuperate. Men don't seem any different to women in that they are either 'up for it' or they aren't.

I really feel for the people on here in sexless marriages, no matter what age you are it must be difficult. It is easy for others to say you should leave but then life has so many complexities that it is never that straightforward.