Sex with a man vs sex with a woman

[hernameisHannah]

I had sex with a woman for the first time recently after 15 years with the same man and several male partners before him.

I'm wondering if anyone can help me unpick my feelings about this because I'm not sure how much of how I'm feeling is down to having a new exciting partner after a long period of monogamy and how much of it is my sexuality.

So basically sex with this woman has blown my mind. I've never experienced passion before in a sexual encounter. I always thought I must just be too uptight and insecure to just let myself go during sex. I've always been very conscious of my own body during sex with men, not with her. I've never really cared about giving pleasure to a man but it's all I think about with her. I want to experience every part of her body. I've never felt that way about a man.

Can I trust my memory? Is it possible that I did feel that level of desire with men before and I just can't remember it now in the face of these overwhelming emotions?

What are the chances that I will be able to go back to only having sex with my husband after this? After counseling etc. That I might be able to move on from this affair and rediscover enough interest in hetero sex to keep our marriage together?

Or do you think that what I have found is that, after 20 years of only dating men, I'm gay and I need to leave?

I've never been particularly interested in sex before now and I've always been fairly content in my relationship. Perhaps sex just isn't that important and my marriage is good enough? And I will just get over it?

Oh before anyone asks - my DH is extremely attractive and is generous in bed. Our sex like is very very routine and boring but he knows exactly how to give me multiple orgasms and he always does.

Well clearly you are selfish and lousy lover far as your husband is concerned if you say you have never cared about his pleasure or about sex with him.

Does he know you slept with someone else?
Take some time apart, explore your sexuality and give DH the chance to find some passion of his own.

I don't think that's entirely fair. You can't just generate desire out of will and generosity. Of course I return all the favors and make sure he comes too. I do what he wants even when I don't like it. Our sex life has always been this way and he's always been the one to pursue me and to hold us together as a couple.

Do him a favour and leave him. He doesn't deserve someone who thinks it's ok to have affairs and doesn't know if they might be gay - I know because I've been there and it's shit. Stop messing him around and go work out who you are and what you want.

I know. I have a thread on Relationships for this which I've been reading over and over. You can tell me how awful I am over there too if you want. You're right. But leaving my husband at this point would not be doing him any favors. Also I don't think it's ok to have affairs.

Was hoping to get some help here figuring out the sex part.

You could be gay or bisexual or it might be a one off. No one can really answer that but you. It's not fair to your husband that you have done this behind his back but maybe it's something you needed to do to be sure, if it's something you have always wondered about. Whether you end your relationship or not is your decision. I think you need to do what makes you happy and be true to yourself but I think it's fair to your husband to tell him so he has some say in going forwards. He may not want to stay with you now anyway once he knows you cheated.

It's probably too soon after one sexual experience to unpick your feelings and desires.

Leave your husband. It sounds like the relationship is doomed even if you're straight.

Play the field. Experiment. Sleep with men and women. Figure out what you like.

It's very hard to put oneself in another person's shoes. Whether you're gay, straight or possibly in your case, bisexual I think is irrelevant. It seems like you have found another person that you feel more sexually in synch with. The only question is whether it's fair to keep your husband hanging on in this situation. I would say not.

"Leave your husband" sounds like such flippant advice I can't get my head around it! He would be devastated. And we have children. And our relationship is fine, we get along pretty well. Isn't there a way to fix it? If I tell him or don't tell him, get counseling, go non contact with her, have an open relationship? Something? There must be another option? Leaving him sounds like the most selfish and risky thing I could do

... after what I've already done.

I suggest wait and see. Whatever revelations and damage is mostly done now. Wait. See how things move.

The MN'ers will hate me for this...

For starters, let’s try not to go too far down the judgemental road here, we are where we are.

Secondly, try to avoid compartmenelising your sexuality, labels and prefixes, hetro, bi etc can be most unhelpful.

Google the Kinsey Scale, it’s a short but scentific quiz, it will show where you are on the spectrum.

Once you have a little understanding of who you are at present, you can take life forward.

@hernameisHannah

"Leave your husband" sounds like such flippant advice I can't get my head around it! He would be devastated. And we have children. And our relationship is fine, we get along pretty well. Isn't there a way to fix it? If I tell him or don't tell him, get counseling, go non contact with her, have an open relationship? Something? There must be another option? Leaving him sounds like the most selfish and risky thing I could do

Are you hoping to fix your sexuality? It’s not uncommon to have a heterosexual relationship and then be attracted to the same sex, that is not something you can fix but it may be a part of your life that you had always been curious to explore and now that you had the opportunity, you realise you are attracted to women. Only you can decide if it’s the path you want to follow.

Leaving your husband is not selfish, he deserves to know the truth, the deceit from your affair will hinder your marriage.

Do you love your husband? You said he would be devastated and you get along fine but how do you get on together, as a couple? It may mean that you sit down together and tell him how you feel and be honest with him and go from there.

I also think what @StarlightLady said is wise, you need to understand who you are before you take any steps forwards.

On the purely sex note. I have had past relationships with women- a long time ago - mainly sexual only. What I can say is that you can't just "forget about it". If you enjoy that, it will always be in your mind and no, I don't necessarily buy the stuff about its not the gender, it's the person you connect with that matters. It's a whole different experience. Personally, after a while I chose one route - men. Essentially, I wanted a male partner and male sex if I could only have one, forever more. Does that mean I forgot and stopped ever desiring the other? No. Sometimes I crave it. In an ideal world, I'd have my husband and maybe female f*ck buddies but he'd hate that so I've just stopped thinking about it. These days it rarely crosses my mind. You know you need to sort your relationship out. I think you probably need to tell him and give him the chance to decide if he's OK with this, and what he may suggest you should do about it now so that he's not just some unknowing passenger.

Hi OP - there's a similar(ish) thread a bit further down on the sex board. I've tried to pm you but don't seem able to. If you'd like to drop me a message please do, I've been in a similar situation and understand how difficult it is to deal with your feelings and the feelings of everyone involved.

I have also been in a similar situation, feel free to PM me if you would like to.

I’m sure he’d be devastated if he found out.
Staying might make both your lives miserable, except you’ll know the reason and he’ll be tying himself in knots trying to work out whats gone wrong. The resultant damage would be far worse for him than a break now.
What would you think if you found a post on MN from him saying he had slept with a man and the sex was the best ever and with you was ok but no passion and he never really cared about giving you pleasure and that you got on but it was selfish to leave?

At least if he knows he might agree to an open relationship or he might be happy if its just you.

He might leave or he might forgive you providing you remain faithful.

Equally I can see the logic in working things out on your own but I can see you going round in circles, wanting this woman and not wanting your marriage to end and being in perpetual limbo.

I don't think that sexuality is as black and white as its often written and your feelings can ebb and flow over time.

Why don't you gently broach the subject of finding women attractive with your husband and see how he takes it?

I think you'll feel less conflicted if you are more authentic with him, and you never know he might embrace the idea of opening up your relationship a bit??!!

"Do you love your husband? You said he would be devastated and you get along fine but how do you get on together, as a couple?*"
*
I don't know

I always felt confident that I had found the best man that there is. I knew I didn't want to be with any other man. I was content. But I had never considered being with a woman until I met this one. Suddenly I regret everything.

Are you into her....or just sex with her? It isn't the same thing and they're two different issues. If you've fallen for someone else, your relationship is over - whether they're male or female. If you've unexpectedly discovered you really like sex with women, but still fundamentally love and want to be with your husband - that may be fixable (subject to him willingly agreeing to be part of the solution. He may not).

I am not going to moralise about your having sex outside your marriage, as it's none of my business and not what you wanted help with. I wish others would stop being so willing to judge.

I would recommend that you do not label yourself. Gay, straight, bi, bi-curious - none of it is useful. Sex is sex, and one day you may want to have sex with a man, while on another you may want to have sex with a woman. None of it makes any difference; you are simply who you are. Do not torment yourself with thoughts about whether you could have been gay for years and not known it.

Just be happy that you have discovered a new aspect to yourself and your sexuality. Have the most fun by being you.

Thank you

I'm really really really into her. I was before we had sex.

If you ate that into her, leave your husband

Once again I am deeply saddened by the Puritanical views expressed by some posters.

Come to this forum to broaden your mind, help others to increase their knowledge, or to learn about the broad spectrum of sexuality. Don't bother us with your opinions if you cannot understand that your middle of the road sexuality and narrow views on morality are not the only acceptable ones.

The original poster wanted help with a number of specific questions and did not either request, or deserve opinions on how she should run her relationship with her husband. If you have no positive contribution to make with regard to her questions, then please simply read the thread and move on.