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Original poster

Sex with a man vs sex with a woman

56 replies

hernameisHannah · 26/04/2021 08:49

I had sex with a woman for the first time recently after 15 years with the same man and several male partners before him.

I'm wondering if anyone can help me unpick my feelings about this because I'm not sure how much of how I'm feeling is down to having a new exciting partner after a long period of monogamy and how much of it is my sexuality.

So basically sex with this woman has blown my mind. I've never experienced passion before in a sexual encounter. I always thought I must just be too uptight and insecure to just let myself go during sex. I've always been very conscious of my own body during sex with men, not with her. I've never really cared about giving pleasure to a man but it's all I think about with her. I want to experience every part of her body. I've never felt that way about a man.

Can I trust my memory? Is it possible that I did feel that level of desire with men before and I just can't remember it now in the face of these overwhelming emotions?

What are the chances that I will be able to go back to only having sex with my husband after this? After counseling etc. That I might be able to move on from this affair and rediscover enough interest in hetero sex to keep our marriage together?

Or do you think that what I have found is that, after 20 years of only dating men, I'm gay and I need to leave?

I've never been particularly interested in sex before now and I've always been fairly content in my relationship. Perhaps sex just isn't that important and my marriage is good enough? And I will just get over it?

OP posts:
ChocoholicWineLover · 30/04/2021 09:25

@xpc316e - What did you want posters to respond with? The responses were fair and balanced based on the OP posts.
OP states, she’s never experienced that type of passion, has never been bothered about giving men pleasure, the sex is boring, she’s not sure if she loves her DH etc. This isn’t just about sexuality, this is someone that no longer has feelings for her DH. In that case the only solution is to leave her DH, so she’s able to find someone she is more compatible with.

xpc316e · 30/04/2021 10:04

ChocaholicWineLover, I have again read the original post and still cannot find the sections about being unsure whether she loves her husband, and that she no longer has feelings for him.

She was asking about her sexuality, and trite remarks about needing to leave her husband in no way answer her questions.

PinotPony · 30/04/2021 10:16

From the OP:
"Or do you think that what I have found is that, after 20 years of only dating men, I'm gay and I need to leave?"

I don't think it's unreasonable or judgmental for people to suggest she should leave her husband when she suggested that herself...

OP, I understand that you're confused about your sexuality and want to find a way forwards. But I'm not entirely sure that's possible in your current relationship. Your options appear to be:

  1. Leave DH and figure out what you want:
  2. Tell DH what happened. I suspect he'll be so blind-sided by the affair, you won't get much sympathy.
  3. Dont tell DH about the affair but explain that you are having these feelings and would like to find a way to explore your apparent attraction to women with his blessing.
  4. Put your feelings to one side and work on your marriage. Consider counselling.

You know your DH. How do you think he'd react?

ThatWasntThePlan · 30/04/2021 11:15

@xp316e you seem a little triggered here yourself perhaps? I don't think people are being overly judgemental...nobody is judging OPs interest in having sex with women. Particularly in my first post, you'll notice I've shared the same experience. However, it cannot be ignored that there's a third (unaware) party in all this. The OP could have just not mentioned him if she didn't want comment on that aspect. The fact she didn't and in fact, as PinotPony states, was musing whether she needs to leave, makes it reasonable for posters to suggest their thoughts on this. However...all of this is digressing from the OP. How are you feeling about things today now you've had some more thinking time? I do hope you find a solution that works for everyone involved, it can't be a comfortable feeling to have weighing in your mind at the moment which is a shame since xp316e IS correct that, outside all the morality and relationship rules issues etc, it is exciting to discover a new part of your sexuality.

Lady08 · 30/04/2021 11:27

@xpc316e

ChocaholicWineLover, I have again read the original post and still cannot find the sections about being unsure whether she loves her husband, and that she no longer has feelings for him.

She was asking about her sexuality, and trite remarks about needing to leave her husband in no way answer her questions.

Then read the other various posts she’s made.

Her sexuality is irrelevant, she is attracted to somebody else and has made her feelings clear, you don’t have feelings for others if you love your husband and OP is still not sure if she loves him.

To suggest anything other, is basically delaying the inevitable and just remember there’s another man that is unaware his wife was having sex with another woman in this, we must be mindful of him too, his position in this is valid to.

Wherearemymarbles · 30/04/2021 11:50

Affairs are always black and white.

Anyone whose see’s them in shades of grey is doing so to absolve their conscience

ChocoholicWineLover · 30/04/2021 11:58

@Wherearemymarbles - Agreed, her husband also has the right to know whether he wants to continue his marriage, after an affair.
If my husband had an affair with another man, I’d want to know, so I can continue to live a life that I had chosen.

noego · 30/04/2021 17:29

I've had relationships with women that had been bi curious and wanted to go from bi curious to bi sexual or to discover whether they are gay or not
I'm open enough to be comfortable with an arrangement where they have girl//girl dates. It doesn't bother me.
As for the passion or mind blowing sex though. Was it ONS OP or is it something that would break up your marriage? I.e. Would you live with this woman for the rest of your life?
I've had mind blowing sex on a ONS and been into the person involved but that's all it was.
Some were married and not being satisfied sexually in the marriage. (flame me) I see that you say your hubby is a generous lover but is it enough?

Lady08 · 30/04/2021 20:00

@noego - Isn’t the line (not getting enough sex of the wife!) the excuse that most guys tell the willing participant.

noego · 30/04/2021 20:35

@ldy08.

Dunno!

Justa47 · 02/05/2021 05:59

@hernameisHannah

They way you describe being with her I would say you are gay. Enjoy it and move on.

Original poster
hernameisHannah · 05/05/2021 22:50

[quote Justa47]@hernameisHannah

They way you describe being with her I would say you are gay. Enjoy it and move on.[/quote]
I'm surprised more posters haven't come to this conclusion

OP posts:
santabetterwashhishands · 08/05/2021 16:08

A woman knows what a woman likes because they share the same anatomy 🤷‍♀️
I've always found sex with the same gender more exciting but I prefer to be in a relationship with a male . I'm absolutely no help with your dilemma 🤣

WineAcademy · 20/05/2021 23:27

I've had sex with men, not a patch on sex with a woman. That's because I'm lesbian, but didn't allow myself to accept my own sexuality until my late 30s.

I'm very happy and content with being lesbian and would never choose to be with a man again. I didn't know what I didn't know, but now that I do, I understand myself on a deeper level than ever and that's a good thing.

I hope you can find clarity too, OP.

moofolk · 21/05/2021 00:34

OMG YOU ARE A LESBIAN

I know I said on another thread that I recognise your situation from personal experience, but this too! My male ex was also a very sweet and generous lover, but I always felt that doing things to him was a duty. I didn't resent it, I wanted him to feel good, but sex with women is so different.

I am a massive giver and not only really want the woman I am with to feel great but I really, really, really enjoy it.

You will be sad to leave this man as he seems lovely, but lovely isn't necessarily enough. You need to live your life.

yellowvanilla · 21/06/2021 20:33

@hernameisHannah how are things now? I want to PM you

j712adrian · 22/06/2021 21:09

Many of the posts on this thread are puritanical to a ridiculous extent. It’s 2021, not 1955.

vimtosogood · 22/06/2021 23:01

What's puritanical? Unless he's cool with it her husband's the wronged party here, not her.

StarryNight13 · 23/06/2021 09:49

@j712adrian - No they’re not!
If my husband was having sex with another woman/man, I’d want to know, it’s deceit.
Being gay/lesbian isn’t the problem.

Original poster
hernameisHannah · 23/06/2021 10:49

He knows now. And he wants us to stay together.

OP posts:
StarryNight13 · 23/06/2021 12:48

So you’re not a lesbian and you want to stay with him too?

JustAnotherOldMan · 23/06/2021 13:12

He knows now. And he wants us to stay together

I always think it’s interesting that if a married female comes out as bi/gay the husband will often try to keep the marriage together.

But if a married man comes out as bi/gay the wife more than often take steps to end the marriage

Strange old world Hmm

vimtosogood · 23/06/2021 23:35

Sounds like this should be in the relationships forum really.
Don't string him along OP. You speak highly of him and he deserves happiness, as do you ultimately.

ArthurBloom · 24/06/2021 09:40

You are likely gay, you are also a POS who has seemingly cheated.

Justa47 · 25/06/2021 03:44

@hernameisHannah

I would jot rush to do anything.
How long have you known her and how did this all happen?

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