I've never had an orgasm or enjoyed sex

[Starbaker992]

Hi Mumsnet

I suffer from a condition called vaginismus which is involuntary tightening of my vagina, when I try to have PIV sex it hurts both me and DH as he can't go anywhere because it feels blocked. I am using dialators and me and DH are speaking to a gynaecologist to help treat me.

I've had this condition for the last few years, I am in my early 30s. There are some days when sex is fine others I panic. I've even managed to give birth to my wonderful baby, but sex is still a hit and miss.

I still haven't got rid of my fear of "sex being painful." Due to covid my gynaecologist are not having appointments anymore. Now I feel lost, I just want to be able to have normal sex, I've never even experienced an orgasm, I want to enjoy sex but my body and mind just won't let me.

Any advice please x

I love my husband so much, he is so kind and understanding, I really wish we could be more sexual.

This sounds really tough, I don't know much about your condition but I'm wondering if you tried something like the Lelo Sonar it would work for you. It's an incredible clitoral stimulator and will give you multiple orgasms without having to put anything inside you. The orgasms may help to relax your internal muscles...?

You mention you use dilators but there is also evidence that a vibrator may help. For people that have had brachytherapy (internal radiation) it is suggested that you use dilators daily and that a gentle vibrator MAY help stimulate internal nerve endings to help open things up a bit.

I an responding because l really feel for you, but with some hesitation because l have no personal experience of vaginismus, nor am l medic.

Could you and your husband focus on other things such as oral etc as a way to moving forward taking your condition into account? There is more, much more, to sex than vaginal penetration.

With regard to orgasms, never overlook the fact that the prime female sex organ is the clitoris. Consider investing in a small bullet vibey (around £10) and some lube, to discover yourvown body and search for that elusive climax. Good luck and take care .

Have you tried counseling if you think this may be in part psychological? I have never looked into it in the UK so not sure if it exist but in my country of origin there are sexuologists (basically, psychologists specializing in sexual side of things). They might be able to help if you manage to find one.

Thanks all for your lovely and helpful responses, I might buy a vibrator and see how I get on. I've actually been a counsellor before so I know how therapy works just struggling to apply it to my own circumstances.

I had my first orgasm at 45 listening to erotic audio. I could never get out of my own head before. I listened to mr vee at first (on YouTube) and there’s also a site called Quinn (tryquinn). All clitoral orgasms. It helped me enjoy sex as well but I still haven’t orgasmed during sex.
For me, I finally believed I could do it and set about relaxing and trying. It took a while. I found not telling my dh helpful so I didn’t have inadvertent pressure from him at first. Good luck and take your time.

Hi OP,
Im not sure if I had vaginismus but did have some issues about 9 years ago. It definitely tightened down there but only for sex (not tampons) and I would end up tearing and bleeding slightly which only made it worse.
It then became very psychological and the fear made it hard.
My gp advised me to try dilators so I bought some and slowly things improved.
I was eventually able to have sex with dh again without clamping up or pain and bleeding.
I sadly don't orgasm with penetrative sex (oh god I wish I did), well not with dh anyway, but if I'm honest I have another thread going about the fact that I'm not sure if he's turned me on in a long time and that I'm probably a bit crap in bed so.....
I can make myself orgasm though and at the age of 32 dh finally managed to (after 12 years of faking)
I got a small bullet and some clit cream from Love Honey which really helped me figure myself out a little (I've not used it with dh

I could then tell dh what to do and eventually I managed to "let go" and orgasm in front of him while he used his hands (sadly he always seems to make sure I know how tiring it is for his fingers)
I'd love to be able to figure out how to get the friction during penetration to stimulate my clit as my clit touches nothing during sex.
I promise, you'll get there one day with practice on yourself. Small steps, imagination to help get turned on and a bullet (and lube/creams)

So I first learned how to orgasm via a vibrator.. this was age 23ish... I then managed to have my first orgasm with my then BF soon after. Never via PIV, just clitoral.

We split up and I then never had another orgasm (with a partner) for 20 years. How sad is that! I ended up faking...

I then met my bow BF. We are both in our 40's and I vowed to not fake... sadly the pressure of 'performing' for him to not think I was crap in bed made me fake. But then my friends told me to be honest with him as we really do get on in a way I've never had before. So I told him I've faked and find it hard to orgasm with a partner. He's so sweet and will try for as long as it takes but honestly the pressure of trying to orgasm now has totally gone the other way.

What I'm trying to say is sometimes honesty isn't the best policy but figure it out in your head yourself first and if you relax and just let it happen it will xx

I have/had a similar problem, due to vaginal problems, pain, tearing you name it! The muscles in my vagina are very tight (I think it’s more of a protection thing now) so it almosts blocks it of for dp. There main thing that helped is we would use a clitoral vibrator whilst putting it in and during as for some reason that would relax all of those muscles. Now we can do it if we put the tip in and slowly put more and more when we feel comfortable. I would advise like pp said, find out what you like first and see if anything helps to relax you and relaxes those muscles. And try and have fun in the bedroom that you declare is non-penetrative, so you don’t have that pressure and fear.

I thought I could only orgasm through clitoral stimulation but randomly the other day it happened during sex. I think anxiety and negativity effects it a lot so just try and focus on the positives. Also the most important thing for us is communication, if it hurts even the tiniest bit or you have that anxiety- be honest otherwise it just gets worse!

Try letting the mind relax completely and then ask your partner to give you a perineum massage.

I feel for you OP. To my mind there are two different things going on. One is about orgasm and finding out what works for you with your clitoris.

Recommended on here before, the book Women's Anatomy of Arousal could help you explore that.

The vaginismus is a different though related thing. From what I have read, and experienced as a teenager, usually has psychological causes. So ideally exploring your self with a counsellor. You can begin with journalling or free writing- a few pages of splurging every day, to get your unconscious mind to start opening up.