Females opinion please

[Moravcik25]

Please dont think i am some sort of sexual creep. I think it is normal to want to spend intimate time wife my partner. But what am i meant to do when im crying on the next room because for the second time this week, when i try to initiate sex...you would think I took a dump in the kettle, with her reaction.
Lets be clear. Im not into anything kinky. All i ask is for some effort. I dont think boggin grey pyjamas are particularly sexy.
I have heard every excuse under the sun as to why we cannot have sex. Its the week before my period...its the week of said period... and also its the week after my period. If not that it's shes too tired - then stays up watching her tv. And well you get the picture.
When i confront her (non aggresive) she tells me that she does not initiate sex with my, does not wear anything other than boggin pyjamas and does not try because she "tried all these things with her ex partner and did not like".
It took me some time to get my head around that comment. I get she may have been pushed in the past. But all i ask is ANYTHING other than grey pyjamas and a kiss. I just want to enjoy.

So. Please. What am i meant to do. We have been together 6 years. And it is now averaging a big fall out every 2/3 weeks. Where she admits she does not try...and then the very next chance she gets...doea the same thing.

Is she happy? Why don't you start with that.

What do you do to make yourself attractive? Does she has quiet seething resentment about doing all the housework or childcare or some awful habit you have?

Maybe she resents being told what to wear or nagged to have sex all the time as if she doesn't have the right to choose what happens to her body?

She's not into you any more.
Either accept a sex-free relationship with her, an open relationship including her, or move on.

Do not guilt her into sex, or criticise how she looks/dresses. She's not there to fulfil your needs. One time of this and I'd be really turned off.

What are boggin pyjamas???

I was in a relationship with someone and the sex was crap. I started avoiding it. Maybe that's what your wife is doing? You need to talk to her and ask her to be honest.

What’s the point I’d say. She obviously doesn’t want you in that way, find yourself someone who does. Life is too short.

I used to make these excuses with my ex DH. I'd do anything to avoid having sex with him.

The reality was I didn't fancy him, love him or respect him.

He was a lazy, messy slob around the house. He had poor personal hygiene. Lazy father to our kids. Never did anything romantic or to even suggest that he gave a shit about me.

We've been divorced for a year. I've got a new partner now and I cannot wait to jump into bed with him at every single opportunity.

She either doesn't fancy you sexually, resents something about you or the relationship, thinks the sex is rubbish, or has lost here libido.

You need to find out which on or combination it is, whether this can be corrected to your mutual satisfaction, and then decide whether to continue or split.

Man here for the record and I too have the leggings and baggy T-shirt thing going on, except it is me that isn't interested in sex as I just don't find her attractive in that way currently, plus some other challenges in our sex life that are proving difficult to navigate.

Don't beat about the bush - calmly, yet clearly you need to ask the question and go from there. Is it a, b, c or d?

Wow. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was so bothered by my grey pyjamas. You sound very entitled. Your wife doesn't have to dress up for you. You might prefer a different look or "more effort", but however she dresses should be enough for you if you actually love, want and respect her. You don't sound very respectful at all.

I also think crying over being turned down twice in one week is a bit over the top, verging on manipulative. Are there other problems in your relationship? Does either of you have self-esteem issues? Otherwise I can't see the crying as anything other than coercive.

Being rejected by someone that you obviously love must be very hard and a little sole destroying and I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Tough times atm but I'd didn't read that you wanted her to "dress up" for you - only that if she is feeling good about herself, and looks nice for herself, then she'll probably be in a positive mood for sex.

Has your sex life always been a little one sided or is this a recent thing ?

Difficult to know what to suggest without getting slated for being sex mad but what about a "date night" with a little effort from both of you ??

Oh and stay off the porn - she knows you know ;-)

Remember this is mumsnet so, as a man, this is all your fault. There are much better forums out there for men to get some proper advice than here. You need to find out what the issue is with your relationship not answer 20 questions from a bunch of women who will just assume you are a lazy l, self-entitled cocklodger.

For the record I have struggled with my own sexual desire due to my anxiety issues, this was nothing to do with my DP and what he was or wasn't doing. I'm pretty sure I was completely unattractive, was wearing the flumpy PJ's and wasn't making any effort (even being avoidant). No amount of housework or other things would have made it better.

What moved us forward was some proper heartfelt communication between me and DP (not him just whining about sex, it was when he opened up about the emotional toll this was taking on him), getting some better strategies to manage my anxiety and us both getting counselling with a sex positive counsellor (the last one is only worth it if you both are really willing to try, otherwise just a waste of money).

The house work / pulling weight factor is an interesting one that I often ponder over and only seams to be an issue when the woman doesn't want sex.

There are plenty of threads on here where the woman has the higher drive and is frustrated, yet housework/mental load/chores is never an issue.

Are we to assume that in every case where a woman wants more sex than the man, the man in the relationship is acting as the perfect man and ticking al the boxes?

Or is it as I suspect, nothing to do with that and in fact it's just that the woman has a higher sex drive which then becomes the predominant factor?

I can't pin point or contextualise it fully, but feel there is a double standard in there somewhere.

Dump her. She doesn't want to have sex with you.
She maybe be gay
She may have no oestrogen/testosterone She might be asexual
She may be pissed off about something

Life is too short and she aint going to tell you what the problem is.

@Hopoindown31 just out of interest - where are these forums for men to get advice ? and do they allow women to post questions ??
I'm hopeless in knowing what men want - maybe I could find some answers.

@Imnoh

Men by and large are fairly simplistic and most (not all) generally want a partner who:

(just off the top of my head and in no particular order)

Has a strong or at least equal libido.
Is confident in bed and knows what they want and are not afraid to ask for it.
Are open minded.
Attractive to them.
Get sufficiently wet when aroused.
Can orgasm without too much difficulty, preferably during PIV.
Don't let themselves go.
Are able to flirt and be suggestive at times, outside the bedroom to keep the spark ignited.
Don't live on their phone and take an interest in their partner.
Don't moan and nag continuously.
Can hold an intelligent conversation.

Probably a shorter and somewhat different list than what women want in a man.

I think you have to accept its time to move on.
Find someone who respects you and likes you and wants to have sex with you.
It's no way to live.

As previous posters have said there are numerous reasons why she might be avoiding sexual intimacy with you. You won't find the solution until you fully understand the problem.

You need to talk about it in a non-judgmental and non-challenging way. You don't need her to dress up or feel like she's got to put all this effort in for your benefit - that won't help. How about you open a discussion about what she would find relaxing and pleasurable? Not even sex perhaps but just touching or massage.
When I've struggled with physical intimacy in the past, I've always found the best solution to be kisses and cuddles, stroking and massage, with no pressure to do anything more. If you can recover her desire to touch you, then sexual intimacy moves on from there.

@lmnoh start with Reddit, they have a sub for everything and the ones I have frequented seem pretty gender balanced.

Thank @PrawnSacrifice
I’ve been looking at your list but can’t help** think that if SOME of these aren’t achievable, then its down to the man ... sorry 😂
Apart from “hold an intelligent conversation” - I’ll start work on that ;-)

I’m off to sign up to Reddit xx

100% agree - it goes both ways,

That list just screams entitled. We're not here to facilitate you and your fantasies.

Not entitled at all - the PP asked what men want, so given this is the sex board, I listed some common preferences. Not demands, not must haves, not entitled, just preferences.

That list is a joke 😂

@Henrieta2

In the context of the sex board, which elements do you find so funny, and can I ask why?

For example, do you think the average man would prefer his sexual partner to be dry and not orgasm, let themselves go and ignore them for their phone all the time? Do you think that's the preferred scenario?

It's not a relationship or personality tick box, it's a suggestion of typical male preferences when considering a sexual relationship in response to a PPs question of what men want - in the context of the sex topic.

Get sufficiently wet when aroused.
Can orgasm without too much difficulty, preferably during PIV.

These are my top 3 🤣

Women tend to orgasm through foreplay and not everyone will orgasm or get wet through PIV alone .
Can orgasm without too much difficulty screams lazy ness 🤣 what do you expect a women to orgasm at your mere touch .

I found the list quite funny and it screams me me me .

Jokes a side .
No man wants a dry partner but I would be asking why my partner is dry and not blaming the woman but looking at myself .

Unless the woman is older or has certain issues that can cause dry ness there is not reason why a lady cannot be wet when aroused . So it would be like why am I not wet .

Only issues for that would be perhaps if you are too drunk sometimes you get a bit dry .
Otherwise should be a nice ya know if ya partner is touching all the right buttons.

Foreplay should be part of sex routine and is important for me . I am not interested in just PIV Altho I have done in the past if in the mood for just a quicki but generally I prefer foreplay and PIV is icing on cake .
Everyone is different tho
If a man pesters a woman for sex it’s unattractive and makes you dry regardless as you clam up and are like back the fuck off .

If you are shit it bed then likely hood woman Is dry.

Communication is the key find out what BoTH partners like !

I think for men and I don’t mean t be blaze about it but it’s pretty easy for them which is probably why they don’t understand why it’s harder for women .

Some women like gentle and move making , some women like it rough so it’s finding out what each person likes and whether you are compatible .

If you are having issues in bedroom probably a reflection of ya relationship .

I second what @Henrieta2 says.

Some women can be very aroused but not get wet due to hormones etc. And as for being able to orgasm easily, especially through PIV, you do realise this is the reality for only a small percentage of women? Most women can get off only through clitoral stimulation.

I also think porn and unrealistic sex scenes in tv show has fucked up the perspective !!!! But that’s just my opinion.
I get can wet quite quickly because my partner knows what to do !!!!

And also I know how to turn him on but him turning me on turns him on the most ?

I have spoken to girls who told me they lost their virginity and it was painful and dry because apparently women should be wet from just kissing 😂😂😂😂 ( which can also happen but each person is different ) a lot of women tolerate shit sex for wanting to not offend their partner . I have always been open and honest and told my partner what I do and don’t like and what I Don’t want to do as I have a choice .
To me this sounds like the woman aye interested .

I know when I had my daughter my sex life dried up for about 5 months as I had complications and was very painful !

We talked through it and just because sex was of the table didn’t mean we didn’t have a sex life .

To the Op do you only show affection when you want t get laid ? Are you grumpy if you don’t get any ? Do you see your partner as someone to device your sexual desires what about hers ?

Sex is important and says everthing you need to know how is your relationship otherwise ? Are you friends do you flirt do you have a laugh ?
Are you just going through the motions ) you both deserve to be happy if you have different sex drives that’s something you will have to suck up or you can find someone more compatible ?????