Females opinion please

[Moravcik25]

Please dont think i am some sort of sexual creep. I think it is normal to want to spend intimate time wife my partner. But what am i meant to do when im crying on the next room because for the second time this week, when i try to initiate sex...you would think I took a dump in the kettle, with her reaction.
Lets be clear. Im not into anything kinky. All i ask is for some effort. I dont think boggin grey pyjamas are particularly sexy.
I have heard every excuse under the sun as to why we cannot have sex. Its the week before my period...its the week of said period... and also its the week after my period. If not that it's shes too tired - then stays up watching her tv. And well you get the picture.
When i confront her (non aggresive) she tells me that she does not initiate sex with my, does not wear anything other than boggin pyjamas and does not try because she "tried all these things with her ex partner and did not like".
It took me some time to get my head around that comment. I get she may have been pushed in the past. But all i ask is ANYTHING other than grey pyjamas and a kiss. I just want to enjoy.

So. Please. What am i meant to do. We have been together 6 years. And it is now averaging a big fall out every 2/3 weeks. Where she admits she does not try...and then the very next chance she gets...doea the same thing.

As I say, preferences, not expectations or must haves.

@BaroleCaskin

Absolutely, a previous partner oprgasmed fairly easily through PIV alone. it was tremendous.

Another partner needed clitoral stimulation, and DW can hardly orgasm at all no matter what we try.

Hence, my preference is orgasm via PIV, as that is what I enjoyed the most.

People seem to be getting very sensitive about a light hearted list of preferences, assuming these are demands and expectations.

Are you sure the ex who orgasmed very easily from PIV wasn't faking? I'm not saying that to be patronising, I'm just mentioning that a lot of women do fake it which contributes to alot of men having a warped sense of what works and what dosent. I myself was in a relationship for over five years where I faked it each and every time, because I was simply too embarrassed to say that i needed clit stimulation. Absolutely ridiculous I know, but my ex was oblivious the whole time. I can't speak for everyone but the reason I may appear 'sensitive' is because (some) men seem to want all women to be able to do something that is just almost anatomically impossible for us. Yes, a small percentage of women orgasm through PIV. But a larger percentage either can't, or fake it for various reasons.

Prawn, why did you marry your wife if you are so unhappy with your sex life? Has she always had such trouble orgasming? I feel a bit sorry for her.

Certain she wasn't faking. As often it was multi, and a large red rash appeared over her chest whenever she orgasmed, plus she had an extra surge of wetness. We used to mix it up, some PIV, some clitoral, often a mixture of both if she had more than one in a session,. We were together for a good few years. I know how uncommon this is on reflection.

Why did I marry my wife? She is such a lovely person, she's a delight to be around and gets me. Yes, she has always had difficulties with orgasm, with previous boyfriends too, which was a concern for me from the beginning. I thought her sexual inexperience and difficulties could be overcome with time, familiarity and confidence. This turned out not to be the case.

Yeah I am not sensitive I hope you could hear some humour on my post prawn . It sounds very difficult situation for you to be in . It must be hard for her as well if she just doesn’t come ! Does she come by herself at all do you know ?

I was going to echo the previous comment about maybe previous partners have faked it ?
It’s hard for women to actually come via PIv usually you come with lots of clit action. I watched a video of an American lady before talking about the female body in sex education and it was really fascinating and she went in to great detail about how the clitoris is your main sex organ and where you will get pleasure and you are effectively just letting a man jerk of inside of you it was really interesting and informative info to be fair .

It’s obviously not fair on you . To be in a relationship like this .
It is about accepting or moving On in reality . The original OP comes across as need and annoying and I can imagine the type to gaslight or try and coerce sex which is enough to dry anyone up !!!!

For light hearted ness my preference would be for a man to

Wash up and clean

Split all cooking and house work
Shave isolation beard
Maybe go the gym couple times a week or running to keep fitter

That is it . I think it’s harder for men because women decide so much I think . Like my partner would hVe sex all the time I reckon but it’s always on my terms and I can see how that would be frustrating but some women don’t won’t sex all the time and a lot of the time can depend on moods and hormones . If I am hormonal my boobs feel like they are on fire and at any point my ovaries may literally drop out it’s a horrible feeling so yes I will not want to be touched .

If ii have hairy legs or feel like crap that can affect my mood too

I hope you can come to some sort of happy medium with your partner if it was the other way round and my Payne couldn’t come after 44 mins I would be bitter , pissed off and hurt and feel like it was something I had done .

If she has always been the same then it’s not you

Does your wife think it's a problem @Prawn? Is she happy with the way things are? You do sound like you actually care about her, and her pleasure for that matter! It sounds like a difficult situation to be in for you. How long have you guys been together?

@Barole

Over 20 years.

It's frustrating for her too, as she once she becomes conscious of it, it never happens.

It's frustrating for me, as my biggest turn on, the one thing that does it for me, the thing that flicks me switch is a woman on the build up to, and actually having an orgasm.

Sadly, this missing link means that I have a mostly unfulfilled sex life. Added into the equation that due to AD meds I can no longer orgasm myself makes it just the pits.

Imagine having sex where neither of you get any orgasmic feelings, no build up, nothing that gets you super excited or ask for more or for the other person not to stop. All that is missing.

It's as exciting and stimulating as someone stroking you hair or patting you comfortingly on the shoulder.

20 mins later.... well this has been great and everything, but..... etc etc.

@prawn I really do know what you mean, that's the sort of sex I was having with my ex. He had no idea how a womans body worked, never went down on me or even touched me below the waist with his hands in the whole 5 years we were together. Sex at best was awful, at worst it was downright painful. Foreplay was basically him grabbing at my boobs for a couple of minutes and then straight to PIV. He would be upset if I wasn't wet enough. I blame myself though because I was very young, and I was just far too embarrassed to say anything.

Would your wife consider seeing a sex therapist do you think? It could be psychological?

@BaroleCaskin

She can orgasm on occasion, but it just takes so long - typically 45 mins of non-stop oral or vibrator.

Problem is, she has to zone out and concentrate so hard with no distractions, there's no two way interaction and I just get bored and might as well not be there.

By the time she's done (if at all) I'm fed up and dispirited and any excitement has long gone. If I ask her to do something for me at the same time, she can't concentrate/coordinate and therefore can't orgasm.

She doesn't masturbate very often and only ever does it with a vibrator and even then, it can still take her over half an hour on her own.

I do loads and load of foreplay - all sorts of touching, stroking, massage and every technique I've heard or read about. Stuff that had previous partners over the edge in less than 10 mins.

From my own comparative experience with different women and their various reactions to touch, to me it just seams as if her clitoris is not very sensitive at all, like 1 on the dial.

I want to please her but it's just too much like hard work and is now just a chore - a chore that is often unsuccessful.

Try to imagine being with a guy that couldn't orgasm from PIV and that took typically 45 mins or more of constant oral to maybe have an orgasm, and who couldn't do anything for you during this time as he needed to concentrate. Great, huh?

Yeah that does sound really disheartening! Not sure what you could do about it either to be honest!

Sorry but "boggin pyjamas" really made me 🤣🤣. For a pp, I think OP means minging/horrible/unattractive pyjamas.

I hate it when women decide they need to make zero effort for their partnerbecause they aren't there to bea man's play thing. Guess what, men are visual, they like us to make an effort. I love making an effort for DP as he appreciates it and can't keep his hands off me. He makes the effort in return in other ways. That's the way a relationship works but on MN, women seem to have to be allowed to wear whatever baggy, crap clothes they like, decide when they want sex only and the man has to just put up with it as well as the man doing everything at home so she gets a break. There appears to be very little give and take in the advice.

My exH made no effort. It became deeply unattractive and I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him. He knew there were aspects of his appearance I wasn't happy about (due to laziness) but just didn't care, then wondered why I didn't want sex. In the end we split.

Given her excuses OP, I'd say she doesn't want sex with you. Those excuses are crap. This relationship won't go anywhere and you will continually feel rejected and unhappy.

@Qwerty543

I agree with your give and take observations.

From my own observations, your narrative is certainly true when the woman doesn't want sex, yet all the issues mentioned disappear when it's the woman who wants more sex.

Show me a thread where its the woman who wants sex and is feeling frustrated and unwanted, but then turns round and says "Bit it's okay, he doesn't share the mental load, run me a bath and give me a massage, so I actually don't want sex anyway"

Never happens.

If a woman has low libido, it's always the man's fault. if, if a man has low libido, it's always the mans fault - it's never because the woman is obese, doesn't deal with her facial hair issue, wears baggy T shirts and leggings to try and disguise the rolls of fat, is glued to her phone all day, punctuated with constant nagging and complaining - which is of course, always the mans fault.

Foe the record, I fully accept that many men let themselves go and turn into lazy, smelly, gross slobs, which is equally unattractive - as long as people accept that it's a two way street.

I'm not suggesting for a moment that the OP fits into the above category.

I’m with you on this Prawn.

I’ve been with my DH 15 years and as soon as I know sex is on the cards I get wet straight away. He always comments on this (amazed) as he doesn’t need to physically do anything to “get me started”. I don’t know if he actually minds or not!

I also orgasm very easily, through either PIV (which I love and wish we did more of but we don’t last long enough ) or other means.

I think sex for a woman is very much in the mind.

I do really feel for you in your position.

@Osirus

You sound perfect!

I've run out of ideas. Sex is just this massive, unfulfilling chore now that continuously succeeds in making me feel inadequate, frustrated and disappointed.

Well in that case, take up gardening or some other hobby instead. None of us will be able to have sex all our lives, and that should be perfectly OK.

Why spend your life agonising over something you can't have?

@Blokenamechangesexboard That's fine if you are ambivalent towards sex. I am not. I love sex and feel my race is far from run.

I have read your other posts on the subject, both on this thread and others. My impression is to the contrary- that sex is an enormous frustration for you, and, what you in fact love is the idea of the sex you would like to have, which is not the same thing at all.

Your situation as described by you is-

• your medication prevents you from orgasm;
• you cannot get medication that avoids this;
• you DW takes ages to orgasm;
• you find that dull;
• she dresses like a frump and you find that a turn-off;
• despite all these obstacles and frustrations you're getting it on 3 times a week approx;
• your relationship with your DW is otherwise good.

If sex is a chore for you both (and you do it more regularly than I vacuum) then do something else or do it differently, but why not try to make the best of things?

Your list regarding what men want in a partner certainly differs from mine, which would be:

• Benevolence
• Dependability
• Companionability

Sex doesn't feature, not because I don't like it, but because it'll happen if the above are present, and if it can't, it'll be OK.

I would much prefer to be married to a kind woman who slobs in in old t-shirt of an evening (ie, your DW) than a model who treats me like shite. This has nothing to do with being ambivalent about sex and everything to do with recognising that there's a lot more to life.

Thanks for your reply.

For clarity, my list was specific towards sex, not the complete relationship or character of my partner. It was a light hearted sex orientated wish list.

Your other observations are accurate - I love the idea sex I want to have, and have experienced in the past with some of my previous partners,, confirming to me that it is not some unrealistic ideology I have conjured up in my head. Nothing out of the ordinary, just partners who are excited by sex, seam to 'want it', display enthusiasm, some passions, some proactivity and confidence, and who can either orgasm without it being an 'all stars aligned marathon', or have the gumption and wherewithal to take some responsibility for their own orgasm. A little basic ability and technique for the basics would be nice, too.

I try to make the best of things and do things differently, but my DW is rather vanilla and resistant to anything outside of the ordinary.

I am far more dissatisfied and frustrated with sex than she is. Whilst she takes ages to orgasm, she has never known any different, so this is her normal. Her expectations, needs and desires from sex appear to be far lower, meaning she is far closer to contentment that I am.

‘A little basic ability’... ouch.

I hope my DH doesn’t talk about me like that.

@Pogmella There are plenty of threads on here where women post how useless their DHs are in bed, that they can't find the clit, are inept at foreplay, don't respond to gentle guidance or instruction, or are just generally ham fisted and clueless.

It's just people sharing their experiences anonymously, as they might do with close friends or confidants.

Boggin pyjamas sound extraordinary?!! 😀

She is unhappy in some way.

Was it always like this?

And

I think her explanation about her previous relationship is worth some further investigation. Is there any chance she was pressurised/obliged to the point of being traumatised? Would explain her avoidance and the boggin pjs now. She's not comfortable with intimacy.

If you love her, try to find out. It will be the only way to resolve this.

You're abstracting sex from the situation you're in - and that's leading you to think you ought to get something that you simply can't get unless you give up what sounds like a perfectly contented relationship, which would be silly. You say the sex you would like is realistic because you had it with previous partners. Except that's clearly a bad argument because you aren't with those previous partners. You're with your - I suspect lovely - DW who likes vanilla sex and that's just who she is, along with all the ways she makes you happy. No one's perfect.

Now I will commit some heresy. If your DW takes ages to orgasm, then why put that burden on yourself? Does she even care that much? If not, why do you insist to yourself that you ought to give her one, and (I suspect) think you were being ungenerous if you didn't? If she takes 40 minutes of very particular and boring activities to get off, frankly that would be too much of a hassle for me, and while I would treat her often enough, I suspect the normal shag wouldn't involve all that faffing about. If she is closer to contentment than you are, it sounds as if things are biased in her favour.

I think you are putting sex on a pedestal that it doesn't really deserve. Sure it's very nice but so are many other things, and even with all the obstacles you face (and it sounds that considering them you're doing bloody well) I bet what you have is a lot better than nothing. So enjoy what you have for what it is.

By the way, regarding poor technique, I agree there is a lot of moaning on MN about men. I think it would show a double-standard if the currently accepted wisdom that women are on average just as up for sex as men. Except I think this is false: my evidence being that gay men have a lot more sex than lesbian women, and the relationships with the highest sexual function are apparently male-dominated ones. So I think men are - just as used to be believed - in general more into it than women. Which means they bear more responsibility for getting their female partners into it. Up to a point anyway.

@Blokenamechangesexboard

There's much pragmatism and logic to your reply which I can appreciate and understand.

However, to answer some of your points.

1. If she doesn't have an orgasm, the sex is terrible. She shows very little, if any enthusiasm or eagerness to continue, doesn't appear to get much pleasure from it and just generally appears ambivalent . It feels like she is content to carry on with it until I'm done. Which in turn, makes it an utterly rubbish experience for me.

2. My biggest turn on, the thing that gets me going way and above anything else is being able to please my partner and give her an orgasm. It's not an ego or achievement based status, it's just that the level of sexual excitement in turn transfers to me and increases my level of enjoyment and excitement. If my partner is not that bothered, then I find it very unfulfilling.

3. My enjoyment and desire for decent sex is strong, to a degree that without it, I feel frustrated, unfulfilled and longing. I know and fully accept this is highly unlikely to materialise from my DW, hence it's a genuine problem for me, hence me discussing it on here. And yes, she is a lovely DW, and no I don't want to sacrifice everything else for it.

Hence the 'tough luck buddy' situation. Which is a problem for me....

There is no avoiding the two choices you have.

1. Accept the situation.
2. Do something.

Surely 1. is best, isn't it? After all, what can actually do?

But I don't think that 3. ie, lament about it, is any use. How does it help?

It appears to me you are over investing in this relationship at an increasing cost to your own happiness. I would face the reality that you need to move on with your life. Once you have accepted this and got your head in the right place then you’ll find it easier to execute plan B and focus on your future happiness. You have a responsibility to yourself to show resolve. Good luck.