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Original poster

How did you learn how to have sex?

27 replies

itsswelltime · 19/12/2019 11:36

This is really embarrassing but I have been with my fiance for 7/8 years. He was my first boyfriend and so I didn't come to him experienced. We have children and live together. Great life. But I don't know how to have sex without just taking it.
I'm sorry this is too much info for sure but I feel really bad. He will do all the work and I just lay there, basically.

I have tried to 'take control' but I can't go as fast as he can and he usually just starts doing it himself after a bit. I want to be a generous lover but I don't know how to.

Is it normal for the woman to be slow and steady? Or do I need to work harder? I don't have anyone to ask in real life.

Sometimes he will refuse sex because he is too tired to do all the work again. I have said I will try but I feel clumsy and like I can't satisfy him when he just grabs me and and starts going faster. He had a few relationships before me so I'm thinking it's partly down to experience and it's not really something I can practice alone. Oh I'm so embarrassed but google comes up with seedy sites, probably all written by men.

Blush
OP posts:
Original poster
itsswelltime · 19/12/2019 11:36

I can't believe I posted this. So embarrassing.

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 19/12/2019 11:43

It was along time ago (1969) I learned by following my instincts and learning together in a series of relationships. I learned what gave me pleasure, what gave them pleasure, and more to the point what I really didnt like. You havent had this opportunity. This is not your problem it is a couple programme. I am reluctant to critisise your partner but he clearly is not helping matters and helping you discover desire. Its not about performance and doing things, more about carefully exploring each other for mutual giving and receiving of pleasure. Dont go down the kinky route it will make things worse. You both need to feel good aboutt yourself. Maybe a good sex /couples therapist would help if you both could steel yourself past embarassment. If he is not keen, maybe on your own to explore your own needs rather thatn his

Butchyrestingface · 19/12/2019 11:43

I am assuming you are talking about penetration here - do you actually like it going as fast as he makes it?

You talk about satisfying him but does he satisfy you?

WibblyWobblyWonder · 19/12/2019 11:44

Have you spoken to him about it? Asked him if there's anything he'd like to try with you? Or anything he'd like you to do to him? Communication really is key here.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 19/12/2019 11:44

Don't be embarrassed!!! Sex is one of those things that you find you don't really discuss in real life.
Rather than penatrive pleasure for him, have you considered oral or using your hands? You can even push him right to the brink of orgasm and then bring him back down again, or just climb on as he's getting close if you like to finish with him inside you.

Ellisandra · 19/12/2019 11:51

It does sound like him doing all the work, means doing all the work for him?

It takes two, and he needs to recognise that too. My experience is that you re-learn sex with every new partner. My husband does not like to be touched the same way as my ex-husband, for example. One like a hand job fast and furious with a death grip - the other (the current one, fortunately Grin) shouted “ow!” the first time I did that, and asked me to be a bit more gentle! So don’t worry too much about not having previous experience.

What has prompted this? Is he complaining?
I would start by thinking about yourself. Understand what you want from sex. You’ll be “better” at sex when you understand your own body and feel comfortable with making your own requests. Sex is something for both of you, not something to give him.

dottydaily · 19/12/2019 11:52

Talk to each other...

Original poster
itsswelltime · 19/12/2019 11:53

Oh no, we have tried lots of different poritions and stuff, but he always takes charge. @NoMorePoliticsPlease he is Very generous and I am quite vocal so it's easy to tell what i like and what isn't working but in nearly 8 years he hasn't even so much as grunted.
We talk about somwtimes during and after but I know he is wary of giving instructions. I guess he doesnt want to seem like a pig but I need guidence.
I thought experience gave him the edge but I can hardly get some experience now Blush

@Butchyrestingface
Yes I like it alot. So much so that we have to lay a towel down before we start Blush He knows exactly what he's doing and it is amazing for me but I am very aware I am taking and not giving anything in return.

I have even watched porn and tried to immitate the girls on there but I fell off and never tried again! God im embarrassed!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 19/12/2019 11:57

Oh and on feeling clumsy? Sex is messy and clumsy and even a bit ridiculous sometimes, if you stop to think about it. Don’t worry about that! It’s OK to be clumsy. Sometimes my husband and I try a new position and just laugh - because it just hasn’t worked for us. Other times I’m giving him a hand job, and I just can’t catch the rhythm - again, we can laugh about it. It’s OK for sex not to be perfect.

I will warn you, if your husband can only get an orgasm through a fast and furious finish, please please please don’t think that what you do isn’t any good. Sometimes, men have trained themselves with years of quick wanks. I’m actually the same - quick results with the vibrator. The answer is not ONLY for you to change your technique - it should also be an approach to ask him to try slowing it down.

Original poster
itsswelltime · 19/12/2019 11:58

@OhWellThatsJustGreat
I googled how to give a good bj and thats gone down a treat. But I can't find any 'how to' guides for actually moving in sex.
Most just say 'your man wants you to take charge'
'Ride him to orgasm' and such without actually giving good positions to do it effectively.

We have spoke about it and i find it easier when hes had a drink because he lasts ages because we can have a laugh about it and I feel less on the spot.
Its a confidence thing on my part really. It took me about 2 years to even start initiating sex at all now i ask 5 times a day

OP posts:
Echobelly · 19/12/2019 12:00

Honestly, don't be embarrassed. I was 30 before I realised that for most women orgasms are all about stimulating the clitoris and not about him penetrating you!

easyandy101 · 19/12/2019 12:02

but in nearly 8 years he hasn't even so much as grunted

Making noises isn't an indicator of anything IME

Original poster
itsswelltime · 19/12/2019 12:02

I tried doing some leg strengthening excersizes so i could squat kill me now but i still couldn't go that fast and it felt like he was waiting politely while i made a mess of it. It's not as good slow Confused i can't make it feel good for me either and when i ask 'is this okay' he will always say yes. I suppose it could feel okay but hes probably feeling like he cant say 'no you're shit'

OP posts:
Original poster
itsswelltime · 19/12/2019 12:11

@Ellisandra he hasnt complained
He is very good at reading my bodies cues and gives me intense pleasure. The the point where ive lost my voice from screaming fgs but he is silent and I just feel bad I cant make him feel that good.

I switched positions a few weeks ago but it was right as he was 'getting there' so i ruined the last bit for him. He said it was fine but it just made me realise I have been so selfish I can't even tell when he's going to finish.

We are comfortable but I do want to repay him by learning a few tricks, especially as when work picks up he is too tired to do it. If i can do it and please him then I would feel more equal, not like I am getting something for nothing. I just want to be good at sex! Im slow!!!!! And possibly boring too not that he would ever tell me

OP posts:
chockaholic72 · 19/12/2019 12:16

Maybe search some of the "couples" or female-friendly porn? It's probably more accurate than some of the bog standard stuff - some of the Massage Rooms stuff is probably more akin to real life, if a bit soft-focus and lovey-dovey at times.

MNHQ
JoMumsnet · 19/12/2019 12:16

Hi, as the OP's been on the site for a fair while we're going to move this thread over to our Sex topic, which we think is a better place for it than AIBU.

CaptainMyCaptain · 19/12/2019 12:20

If you are getting pleasure and he also seems to be then maybe you are imagining that there is a problem. He doesn't seem to find you boring.

Original poster
itsswelltime · 19/12/2019 12:25

@chockaholic72 I will have a look thank you.

@captainmycaptain possibly but i do know that he wouldnt tell me even if i was doing it wrong. He told me for years that he didnt want oral when in actual fact he did he just didnt want to ask for it so. I dont know if its paranoia or what. He ends up dripping and im just like 'well that was easy'

OP posts:
DecemberSnow · 19/12/2019 12:28

Women are alot more vocal than men.

Men's orgasm last seconds where a womans... Well... Can last a loooong time 😉

Dont be put off by his silence.

Can you talk about it when your not actually in bed. You say his more relaxed when his had a drink, can you talk about it then but before you get into the bedroom?

DarlingNikita · 19/12/2019 12:31

it just made me realise I have been so selfish I can't even tell when he's going to finish. That's not selfish. Ask him to tell you at the time (can be quite sexy) and/or keep observing what happens when he's about to come. Get your eye in, so to speak...

motherheroic · 19/12/2019 12:35

Don't bother learning from porn. They are there to put on a performance. The best thing to do is talk. Yes it might be a bit uncomfortable or embarrassing but is truly the only way to know what he likes and how he likes it. Ask him for guidance, instead of trying to imitate what you think he likes.

DecemberSnow · 19/12/2019 12:37

metro.co.uk/2019/12/18/men-share-biggest-mistakes-women-make-bed-11926464/?ito=social

On here theres a reddit page about where men think woman are going wrong in bed. If nothing else, could be amusing

DecemberSnow · 19/12/2019 12:38

Not saying your making mistakes !!

RhubarbTea · 19/12/2019 12:39

This is definitely mostly a confidence thing on your part, as you've said upthread, rather than a lack of ability. You are telling yourself loads of things which are then affecting tour view of your self. Just from scanning you OP and posts you seem to believe/be telling yourself:

Your lack of partners before him means you'll automatically be shit at sex
It's so one-sided he must be hard done by and pissed off
He's too polite to tell you he secretly hates certain stuff but is probably bored or thinks it's crap
The fact he doesn't make noise means he is having a bad time
Women have to 'take charge' and must enjoy going on top and if you aren't doing that you must be crap at sex.

None of that is true!
There is a lot of buried stuff and assumptions for you which is bubbling up and I think that is why you are finding it tricky. It's not as simple as reading a manual and learning the right technique. It's about your relationship with yourself, and with your own sexual pleasure.

What did you learn about sex growing up? Did your parents guilt you about it, or act embarrassed and though it was awkward and/or shameful? How do you feel about your body, do you feel comfy in your own skin, do you have a good understanding of how to get yourself off and are you good at being chatty to help him know what you like?

I had a repressive upbringing and was given a book on how wanking was evil when I was 13. Thanks mum. But now I love sex and having been single for three years, I really miss it Grin Sounds like you need to start communicating a little better with each other and get into the habit of being fairly upfront about stuff. If you don't like going on top, don't! Or start out there, take it slow and then move into a different position which things heat up a bit. Don't be afraid to say to him 'Hey, tell me when you're going to come soon so I know, cos it's hot'.
Sex with someone you love can be totally incredible. Try not to be so hard on yourself. x

Jellybeansincognito · 19/12/2019 12:40

Can’t believe I’m asking this but what typically happens when you get down to it? Do you just jump straight in or practice fore play beforehand?

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