Neither of us can orgasm

[PawnSacrifice]

Bloke here, could do with some guidance.

My DW has always had a very hard time reaching orgasm, whether with a partner or alone. It typically takes her at least 45 mins of intense oral, and even then it's about 1 time in 10, and never through masturbation, my manual stimulation or vibrators that we've tried.

I've just gone back onto SSRI meds for anxiety and depression (tried life without and just can't cope) and having tried loads of different types over the years, have found one that actually works. The problem is that they (all the ones I've tried, about 8 different types) have effected my ability to orgasm and have generally desensitised everything so nothing feels as nice as it once did.

Like my wife now, I can't orgasm with her or even when alone, no matter the type of stimulation - it just doesn't happen.

We both have decent sex drives and enjoy having sex, however with neither of us able to orgasm, it leaves sex feeling a bit weird, mildly frustrating and very open ended, neither of us knowing how or when to stop, where previously one of us, usually me would orgasm and that would bring things to a natural end.

It's hard to describe, but when we're having sex, there's this kind of, 'how long shall we give this' undercurrent that kills any passion and makes it all a bit processional.

The other night, I literally just had to stop after about 20-30 mins of PIV in various positions, more through boredom - we'd done everything we usually do and that was that.

How do we manage this situation as sex will very quickly become unfulfilling and dull. DW claims that orgasm isn't the be all and end all as she has always struggled in this area and despite our best efforts, is conditioned to just enjoying the closeness etc, but for me it feels weird.

Where do we go from here as sex is important to us.

I went back to the GP who said that sadly I've tried all the drugs available le to me and I'm just one of those people who suffer in this regard, in other words, nothing that can be done.

Try different ways of stimulation (anal?) Can't you stop taking the meds long enough for the effect to wear off before having sex? Also focusing too much on having the big O doesn't help. Like your wife said...its not the all and be all. Just focus on having passionate sex with not set target no pressure to cum and I'm sure it will eventually work.

Maybe just continue to enjoy it and see where it leads? It sounds like you both still get pleasure which while frustrating is better than nothing?

It is still enjoyable, it's just the 'when do we stop' bit that feels weird.

Without an orgasm, one us has to call time on proceedings, and that can't help but give off negative vibes, as how else can it look or sound other than, 'I've had enough now, let's stop', which to be fair is a bit rubbish.

The meds have a long half life, so stay in the system for several days and can't be stopped and started like that. I'm either on them or I'm not. Sadly, it;s common for SSRI meds.

Sorry if TMI but my DW kindly gave me oral and whilst I could feel it, all the sexual sensations and pleasure was missing and it felt no more pleasurable than having my arm stroked. Likewise with PIV, I can feel that I'm in there, but the sexual sensation and please is not there, like the wires to my brain have been cut. I could thrust away all night to no avail.

Try hypnosis?

Gallows humour approach. Set a timer and when it goes off - stop

Also count your blessings, Your wife is on the same page, understands and isnt worried so you are in fact sexually compatible. Thats a massive bonus which very few in either of your situations would find themselves in.

Don't get me wrong, my wife's difficulty in achieving orgasm has caused (me) a few issues over the years - insecurity, doubting my abilities, reduced overall excitement etc, but we've come to terms with it - some women just seem to find it easier I guess. A previous partner could come from PIV almost every time in just a few minutes, it was glorious.

Now the shoe is on the other foot, it's all a bit crap. Like eating a meal with a streaming cold so you can't taste it.

Tantric is very good, Pawn, no beginning and no end, can be quite magical. I do wonder if your SSRis will inhibit even that though, do you really need to be on them? Give it a try, sometimes the sensual is even more exciting than the sexual.

Regarding your wife rarely achieving orgasm, that is not at all unusual and something that frequently gets on women's nerves is men making such a big deal out of - they don't seem to realise that men and women are different and that women vary tremendously too. It often doesn't matter to a woman whether or not she orgasms, she enjoys what she has.

All the best, I hope things improve.

I'd stop worrying about it and set a clock.

SSRIs are a saviour and a total curse. I'm in a similar position, have been for years.
I keep meaning to go to the GP and beg for off-label bupropion but I think I'll be turned down...

@Whathewhatnow

I asked both my GP and the Psychiatric consultant about Wellbutrin (Bupropion) and got flatly refused, the later advising me that Bupropion would actually not be a good idea for me as whilst a reportedly effective anti-depressant with little or no sexual side effects, it can exacerbate anxiety which is my principal issue.

At £40 a box, I can understand why they don't want to prescribe it and why they replaced Zyban (same drug) with a far less expensive alternative.

I've tried going med free on a few occasions, but I just spiral into a total mess, I genuinely need them.

That's... depressing! You know you genuinely need them when your willingly sign away your sex life if that was the price. It's really really shit. You have my sympathy.

To add I was on ssri a couple of years ago and it killed my sex drive, it wasn't much to begin with at that time anyway but I couldn't even masturbate. Like a pp said v depressing

It’s no coincidence that ssris are also used in management of libido for sex offenders. The anti libidinal properties is one of the main things which puts me off taking them.
Try researching the anti depressants with the least of those effects. Speak to your doc

@outheralone

I've pretty much tried them all over the years. The only SSRI available in the UK that is known to have less sexual side effects is Mirtazapine, which I can't get on with, having tried more than once in desperation.

I've been back to the GP and raised this issue every time and they admit there's nothing that can be done. I effectively need to choose between being crippled with anxiety and depression, or be able to orgasm.

Are they really?? Wow.

Mirtazapine has (allegedly) few sexual side effects but doesnt work for me on its own as an AD. And interestingly also has another use ... vets use it as an appetite stimulant for cats.....

Anyone know about duloxetine (Cymbalta)?

PawnSacrifice, is orgasm so vitally important in the scheme of things?
A lot of people never do but still enjoy intimacy.

Regarding your medication, I honestly believe tackling the root of depression and anxiety is better than pills. That's coming from someone who has been on every pill under the sun and had a whole spectrum of side effects; wouldn't touch them now.

Unfortunately NHS doctors only prescribe meds, you have to do your own research and sourcing for anything else.

@Bluerussian

My anxiety is caused by an anxious personality disorder that I've had my entire life, as diagnosed under secondary psychiatric care.

I've had lots of therapy, CBT and mindfulness courses, but as a mature adult, the hard wiring in my brain is in place and cannot be undone, no more than I can will my eyesight to improve rather than use spectacles, or a diabetic can try to avoid needing insulin.

I have tried on several occasions, but unsuccessfully.

Yes, orgasm is important for me. I don't enjoy the intimacy as much without and the pills have desensitised everything so much that my erogenous zones are pretty numb now and don't give off any sexual feelings. Sex is nothing like it used to be and I not only miss it, but find it very frustrating.

The waiter has delivered my food, I'm starving hungry, but I'm not allowed to eat it.

Oh bless you.

I too have had much medication and therapy for anxiety and depression so I sympathise.

Orgasm is important for me. For some people these drugs can be very numbing and filling of many aspects of the personality.
To lose your sex drive/orgasmic ability on top of that can be counter productive to the point of the meds.
We have a long way to go in terms of anti depressants. Many cause huge weight gain too for some people. Look at any side effects list, some phase all of them, I have known the combo of all these things to have a detrimental affect on relationships.
The choice between the drugs and the original mh symptoms is a very big decision for many.

@Bluerussian I agree ref the root cause (pardon the pun)
Very hard to address that without a very skilled therapist
Medication is a lifeline for many and sorts them right out and for others it’s a sticking plaster until the get the help they need.

This thread has made me seriously contemplate making some changes in the New Year. I dont want to be sexually unresponsive for the rest of my days. It's bit like living in black and white.

I'm sorry I dont have any answers for you, but at least you know you aren't alone in experiencing this.

I don’t really have any answers, only a suggestion. I don’t know how often you have sex at the moment but perhaps try reducing it slightly? Withholding it slightly may make it all the more pleasurable, like looking forward to a slice of chocolate cake on a weekend night - it’s not the same if you have it every night.

You could also try introducing new things - role play, outdoors, toys, whatever - and see if that helps generate some extra arousal and excitement for you both. This may help you hit that peak, or at the least, give you something to focus on rather than just PIV and waiting for the appropriate moment to stop.

@DoctorManhattan

I'm already at my minimum threshold of sex frequency and in an ideal world would like it much more.

My DW is not very adventurous, so role play, outdoors etc is firmly off the agenda - I've tried to add variety numerous times before and it gets rejected.

In all honesty OP reaching orgasm is not the end goal for most women. I truly believe you wife is enjoying the intimacy you have. So you shouldn’t feel any pressure from that perspective unless she makes it clear she feels like she’s missing out.
As regards the way you are now, I’m sorry but I really don’t have any knowledge on this matter. But I wanted to re-assure you about your wife to remove part of the angst you have. I am a woman and really enjoy sex, am a very active partner but I have zero interest in more risqué setups or props or any of that malarkey because to me personally it feels like I discover sex over and over again every single time so the standard practices more than do it for me. I don’t expect an orgasm and it doesn’t always happen and it really doesn’t bother me. I simply enjoy being intimate with my DH, the way everything feels and the fact that we share that experience and that I feel special and safe and that I can make DH feel good and all the rest of it. I know everybody is different but there’s nothing unique about me and lots of women feel the same when they feel secure and desired in a relationship.

Try having a music playlist in the background and when that comes towards the end you stop. Make your own playlist each, take turns which one to have playing so the other partner doesn’t know when the end will be. A bit prescriptive but I can’t think of a more constructive idea.