Neither of us can orgasm

[PawnSacrifice]

Bloke here, could do with some guidance.

My DW has always had a very hard time reaching orgasm, whether with a partner or alone. It typically takes her at least 45 mins of intense oral, and even then it's about 1 time in 10, and never through masturbation, my manual stimulation or vibrators that we've tried.

I've just gone back onto SSRI meds for anxiety and depression (tried life without and just can't cope) and having tried loads of different types over the years, have found one that actually works. The problem is that they (all the ones I've tried, about 8 different types) have effected my ability to orgasm and have generally desensitised everything so nothing feels as nice as it once did.

Like my wife now, I can't orgasm with her or even when alone, no matter the type of stimulation - it just doesn't happen.

We both have decent sex drives and enjoy having sex, however with neither of us able to orgasm, it leaves sex feeling a bit weird, mildly frustrating and very open ended, neither of us knowing how or when to stop, where previously one of us, usually me would orgasm and that would bring things to a natural end.

It's hard to describe, but when we're having sex, there's this kind of, 'how long shall we give this' undercurrent that kills any passion and makes it all a bit processional.

The other night, I literally just had to stop after about 20-30 mins of PIV in various positions, more through boredom - we'd done everything we usually do and that was that.

How do we manage this situation as sex will very quickly become unfulfilling and dull. DW claims that orgasm isn't the be all and end all as she has always struggled in this area and despite our best efforts, is conditioned to just enjoying the closeness etc, but for me it feels weird.

Where do we go from here as sex is important to us.

I went back to the GP who said that sadly I've tried all the drugs available le to me and I'm just one of those people who suffer in this regard, in other words, nothing that can be done.

Seing that you’ve done pretty much everything that’s humanly possible to support DW, it might be time to just stop and let her sort herself out whichever way she wants. I still maintain that maybe her having an orgasm might really not be her holy grail, she may simply enjoy sex for what it is up to that point, as simple as that. I understand that you, yourself, would get great pleasure from knowing you can make her feel great and that is really good. But she probably feels great by simply just having sex with you, the closeness, the attention etc. You are clearly very close if she’s so comfortable with you and that is very special in itself. It’s very strange that you can’t read anything from her in terms of reactions during sex and that is baffling, I don’t see how she would ever change in this aspect if she’s always been non responsive.
Other than you really caring for your DW, I can’t really see you getting anything at all out of having sex with her in the current situation.
You can’t orgasm yourself whilst you are on the current medication, DW can’t either because she can’t but She might not be as bothered about herself as much as you are about her orgasming. You have no idea what she likes about having sex or if she likes much of it at all but I suspect she must like it otherwise she wouldn’t be doing it even she doesn’t express much of what she feels.
After all the attention you have been lavishing on her (which is very nice and there’s no reason for you to stop) I would have said that, given your personal issue from medication, now would be the time for DW to try and pull out every trick from the hat to make you feel better, to try and support you during this phase, to be proactive, engaging and to surprise you every now and then with something different (within her own comfort zone not something she’d find weird or dirty even if it’s normal to others). Given your story, I don’t see it happening though. Sorry.
Try and put sex out of your mind for awhile because the pressure isn’t helping by the looks of it, if anything it’s quite disheartening to keep trying just to be deflated.
I hope things will gradually get back to a satisfactory level. You don’t sound the type OP, but I feel I should say it anyway, don’t be tempted to try elsewhere, You’re clearly very close to DW and that’s not something to throw away for the promise of better sex. There are so many post on MN stating that people should just go off and find better suited sexual partners. As if there are dozens of potential partners out there waiting around! Yes, anyone can have sex at a drop of a hat and I suspect lots of people don’t have much in the way of standards, but there’s more to it, it takes time, trust and respect for a rounded fulfilling relationship.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

It's been a frustrating time but rest assured, cheating on my DW would be the last thing I'd ever do - I'm not one of those men. I love my wife dearly and she deserves to be treated, cherished and respected accordingly.

We have spoken about her feelings towards sex and I guess I just have to accept that orgasm whilst nice, is not her primary goal and that she does enjoy the closeness and intimacy.

I myself am having to recalibrate my own expectations which is . journey I've not yet completed. The problem I have is that as soon as I'm aware of not getting the same feelings I used to and nothing building up, I become very self conscious and self aware and this creates a pressure that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. As soon as you start 'trying' to orgasm, it becomes impossible.

I'm lucky in that we love each other and want to please each other, but under current circumstances areas struggling to do so.

Maybe I just need to enjoy it for what it is rather than chase an unreachable goal (at the moment).