Sexless Marriage.

[WorkingDaddy]

Hi, I just wanted to see wether the MN community could offer some advice. I've been married almost 10 years now, over the last few years our relationship has become more and more sexless.

We have 2 kids under 10, and I know my wife is always really tired, but I feel we have lost some really important intimacy. I have always been more sex driven than she is, but recently it really has become quite apparent sex is the last thing on her mind.

I don't think I can ever recall an occasion where she actually initiated sex, it's always me that tries, and I have been turned away on more occasions than I care to mention.

I am genuinely concerned as I love her so much and I still really fancy her, so really want to have sex. But without it, I don't know what to do.

I know there will be some people who say 'just get on with it' but I want to have sex in my life, i think it's a really important and enjoyable part of a relationship.

I have brought it up before that we don't do it, it was a hard conversation to bring up, but it was pretty much ignored as an issue and we moved on very quickly, with the quote 'this is just me.'

I've mentioned about spicing things up, by mentioning some things i like, like her wearing suspenders, but all i get back is 'well they're not practical!' I agree, they're not, but that's not the point of them. I'd happily do things she likes, but she has never shared a fantasy with me or any preference of what she would like.

I was just wondering if anyone has found themselves in this situation and found a solution to it. It's really beginning to play on my mind.

This sounds awful, but is actually more common than you might think.

The reality is that it’s not going to change for the better, despite your best efforts.

Is leaving her an option?

I appreciate that you love her and that moving on might not be on your mind, especially with children, but can you live in such a sexless, deeply unhappy state?

This will eat away at you and turn into anger, bitterness and resentment.

In my case, I got bored even trying, completely fed up with the way it made me feel. I felt my life was moving by at pace, with me missing out on so much that I consider normal, healthy and important to a relationship.

These days, I meet regularly with a lady in a similar situation. We laugh, talk endlessly and have spontaneous, physical, passionate sex that we both now crave.

This keeps us happy and enables us to stay in sexless marriages with partners that we love.

Does this make us bad people, cheating scumbags?

Some might say yes.

The fact is that all parties appear to be living quite happily.

Trying to ask someone to show more interest in sex, to initiate occasionally etc brings with it the feeling that, if successful, they’re only doing it out of pity or some sense of duty, a total turn off.

Some people, men and women, just don’t seem to need sex, quite happy that that side of things has been left in the past, almost relieved to be free of it.

Others need it and want it.

You need to move on when the children a bit older, so that you’re not leaving her in the lurch with young children, but you are asserting your right to a happy, fulfilling relationship, something you hope to find moving forward.

In the meantime, a FWB would ease your stress and calm feelings of resentment about your sexless marriage.

Good luck to you.

I agree sex is an important part of a relationship. Sometimes after kids, the Normal stresses of work and every day housework etc sex can be the last thing on your mind but she should try, especially when she can see that you are. Maybe try some date nights, have you got a babysitter or family that can have the kids for the night, maybe 2 nights, then you could go for dinner etc, start slow by being affectionate and remind her this can be fun, good luck

Hello. I’m a 40 something woman and no, I can’t relate to the situation directly, but I hope l might be able to offer a few pointers.

You have not mentioned what your sex life (together) before marriage or before the children but clearly things have dwindled which is sad.

A healthy sex life is important to help us handle other things. In both very single times to being in relationships, quality sex has always been important to me. Yes, sometimes I instigate, I have instigated the first time with people too, to save the faffing about. Although it’s nice to feel wanted in that way, who starts things off is not so important. The problem here is what should be happening next is not happening.

Unfortunately, many women are victims of upbringing when for one reason or another, often teenage pregnancy related, they are taught that sex is dirty. I was fortunate in having parents who were quite libertine in nature (mum used to say don’t do what you don’t enjoy) and the envy of some friends.

But we are where we are. If l may ask a few questions.

1. Do you have opportunities to have time on your own together without the children? If not can you arrange something?

1. Do you still touch and kiss? If not, gently does it, but make a start.

1. Contraception: Is there concern about another pregnancy?

1. Medication: Is she taking any regular medication. If so, see if your wife will seek a review with her GP. Some meds can have nast effects leading to dryness and depression. Mild depression is often not noticed.

Finally, with regards to lingerie in the bedroom. I am a regular stocking wearer in the spring and autumn months when the are a pragmatic option. With a good quality (and there is a lot if rubbish out there) suspender belt they are both comfy and practical. But I don’t like being a fashion show for sex when I want to be naked. Your wife may feel the same.

Good luck and keep searching for the spark.

Good advice there ☝🏼

Thanks so much for all your kind words. Just to answer a few points. We do have regular baby sitters. Infact they they had the kids last night. But again nothing happened.

I literally just tried to initiate something 15 mins ago, but was turned down because she wants to take the dog for a walk!

Sex when we got together was good. I feel the kids have got in the way of it a bit. But clearly that is just a natural by product of having children. I feel things have dwindled way beyond the natural downturn you would expect from kids.

Anyway keep smiling!

Is she body conscious? I have a 6 year old and 6 month old, my body is clinging onto this last stone 😩 but my partner does tell me I look good and I do make an effort to look and feel good. Remember to notice the little things - haircut or styled differently, new nail polish, top etc. Why don’t you reminisce about the past, we do that and often gets us to the point, remembering where we snuck off to or that time we...maybe try that. Also be honest with her and make her sit down and talk, say you enjoyed what sexlife you had. This is why some people cheat because they are getting fed up of not having sex in their relationship, obviously not saying you would but she should realise this, people have needs.

I really feel for you OP. It can feel difficult and awkward to have those sorts of conversations. I'm very visually stimulated and always have been. I always enjoyed seeing my GFs in their lingerie and undressing them. A huge huge turn on for me and part of my sexual identity.

I think she might be out of practice so it's the ideal time to try and reconnect. With my first wife I felt we were not compatible sexually. She was more experienced than I was and we were very different shapes physically. I was in a dead bedroom situation for many years.

When I met my second wife, we were much more similar and seemed to fit together better. I was able to sit with her and discuss what I really liked and what made me happy. I listened to her also. She is happy to wear stockings and suspenders and high heels for me. It's a turn on for her now as much as it is for me.

OP I could've written your post word for word.

As my DWs sex drive diminished from just about enough (for me) when we married to now zero, she did for a while make the effort and we'd have occasional sex, but it was rubbish - no passion, spark, longing, desire, enthusiasm etc - so much so, I have requested that we don't bother at all, as pitty sex is just soul destroying. Especially crap pitty sex.

It got to the point where if I stopped half way through, rather than her being left high, dry and frustrated, she'd just not be bothered.

I'd ask her what position she'd like to try next and there's be a long pause, before a nonchalant suggestion rather than an "ooh, can we....'

She'd never instigate and never ask for anything, and yes, she would orgasm most of the time from oral or manual stimulation.... eventually to the point where I was getting bored with the one sided nature of our foreplay.

It's now the huge elephant in the room and we agreed to attend counselling to establish what the issue is. If we can't fix things, I'll stay with her until the kids leave home then I'll have to move on - as much as it would break my heart as I love her very much and she's my best friend.

She just doesn't have sex on her radar.

It's like having to persuade someone to go to your favourite restaurant and them declaring when they sit down that they're not hungry and just ordering a salad and glass of tap water then staring at the table cloth until it's time to pay the bill.

We live like house mates and that's it. Plenty of love and affection, but inside I'm crying, feel crap, feel constantly rejected and that I'm missing out on one of life's great pleasures - something that is very important to me - always has been and likely always will be.

I can offer you no help or advice other than sympathy and empathy.

I'm in a similar situation but I'm female, I have affairs, I'm not sorry, its soul destroying living like that and it's never as black and white as just leaving

The problem is that it's always the partner with the lower or absent sex drive that suffers least, as the quality/frequency of sex tends to settle at their preferred level - which they are happy with, so to them it's not a problem.

I wonder whether they understand or realise what it's like, or just how risky it is to their marriage - and if they did, whether their attitude is one of ambivalence.

I'm female, I'm in a similar situation, though we aren't married and haven't been together anywhere near as long. It's really getting me down - not even just the lack of sex, but lack of intimacy. I dont feel loved any more and I don't know how to fix it. As others have said - not as black and white as just leave

You often hear discussions where people ask what piece of advice would you give to someone in x,y,z situation etc...

If someone asked me about long term relationships or marriage, my advice would be to be absolutely 100% that you are sexually compatible and that there is no misunderstanding or ambiguity surrounding what you want or need from a long term sexual partner. If I'd had done this at the start of our relationship, I'm not sure we'd have carried on.

I am exactly the same situation as the OP. I raise it as an issue many times and our terrible (In my opinion) sex life is almost the only thing we argue about. She just doesn't see sex once a month and no other intimacy, touching or kissing as an issue. If I go for a hug or kiss I am literally pushed away.
Makes me feel crap and totally undesired.
In preparation for bedroom activities she doesn't even bother to dress up and usually comes to bed in a pair of apple catchers with a sanitary pad!
People often say sex is not the most important thing in a marriage and I do agree but without satisfaction on both sides, resentment starts to creep in.

I don't think there's much hope here. Situations like this can be turned around, but only if the low libido partner is sympathetic with the high libido partner and really wants to improve things. You tried to initiate sex and she was more interested in walking the dog? This wouldn't have been an intentional move to belittle you. Its just that sex is such a very low priority to her its just didn't occur to her to take your request seriously.

Your kids aren't infants by the sound of it and do sleep through most nights? Then if her libido was going to start returning by now it would have done so by now. You're right, this isn't normal and there's not much chance things will improve. You could try and get her to change, there'll be emotion and some genuine effort, but soon she'll relax and things will return to normal.

I really empathise although I'm the one who isn't interested now. The reason now? After years of no affection, just 10 minute fucking once a month, I grew bored. I am now seeing someone else and don't want to give my husband any sex. I'm not attracted to him anymore. I recognise it's soul-destroying. It was for me, for many years. Sex is important. It's life-enhancing. It's healthy. It's special because it's something you only do together and it's sharing yourself with someone which is special.

I know my husband is miserable about it and I'm not willing to ask him to stay with me just for the kids. I don't want sex with him. I will ask for a divorce. I feel you need to tell your wife that it may not be a need for her, but it's a need for you and take it from there. Something must change because life is too short OP. I wish you lots of luck.

I'm in exactly the same position AloneLonelyLoner

Finding someone to have good sex with has been an eye opener and I can't bring myself to sleep with my husband either.

Try the Dan Savage advice column - one of his many slogans is 'do what you've gotta do to stay sane and married'.

He also presents the idea that if sex with you isn't something your partner is interested in or values, then doing it with someone else isn't depriving them of anything.

It's not an MN view but it's a possible one.

Same here. Sex has dwindled to twice a year and no effort made whatsoever despite my efforts to rekindle things. Drives me crazy. I have had two flings and 4 online affairs in the last 6 years on the back of this. They brought some fleeting joy to my sexless life.

I've name changed for this and want to give another perspective. For the last 7 or so years I have been uninterested in sex with DH. For me, this coincided with having a child and developing a serious medical condition. It's no excuse, it is a reason though. My symptoms and medications (9 different daily meds) have left me a shadow of myself. My body no longer looked the way it had before or worked the same, it's taken a lot to come to terms with this sudden and unexpected change.

We've been together for 15 years and DH had always had a higher sex drive than me.

No sex has nothing to do with love, I love my husband dearly and do not want to loose him. We have had sex 4 times in 7 years. Each time was with me trying very hard to 'get in to it' for him. But I would have preferred not to.

When a close friend split with her husband, because he cheated, I was devastated for her. And for me. The possibility of loosing DH became very real and further compounded the problem. Having no interest in sex/no libido isn't something you can snap out of or turn around at will. And as a pp stated; pity sex is not fulfilling either.

Due to the medication I've been taking, I've also gained 4st in weight. My self esteem is shot and I do not feel physically attractive.

We talked about it very little, maybe 2-3 times. It was so hard and I was devastated by it. DH was so kind and gentle, never demanding and always concerned for me and how I was feeling. Talking about it did not help, if we had spoken more, it would have made it worse for me. The fear was all-consuming.

In the last 4 weeks I've had a change in medication. I've lost 15lbs. My libido is back. It's in overdrive if anything. I feel I have the libido of a 15 year old boy!

Re-establishing intimacy, initiating sex and getting 'back in to it' has been harder than you might imagine. I don't know why. I've asked DH to take it slow with me, in terms of expectations and repertoire. I still struggle with my health. The new medication is worse in controlling my medical condition, but obviously the side effects are less severe. I need time to adjust to my how my body is not working, yet again.

When reading this thread, my heart sank. The overwhelming majority of people it seems will leave or cheat on their long term partner if sex becomes unfulfilling. It makes me feel very sad for everyone involved. I'm grateful my DH is working through this with me and that I have his support.

I really wish everyone on this thread the very best, and urge you not to give up on the one you love.

I agree with PPs that there may be a medical cause for this. I lost my sex drive almost completely for a decade (with it occasionally returning for a few days here and there) due to a hormonal imbalance. Thyroid issues can also decimate sex drive, as can mental health issues, medications, MS, all sorts of other things. Female sex drive is not something anyone is bothering to research and doctors will just tell you it’s normal to have no sex drive once you get past 35.

I think you need a frank discussion - she’s deflecting, is it because she doesn’t want sex with you, or because her sex drive has gone to the point where the idea of sex is repellant (as I’ve experienced)? You need to know what’s going on.

Also...
I've mentioned about spicing things up, by mentioning some things i like, like her wearing suspenders

So your wife has seemingly limited interest in sex, and your solution is to tell her what you want and would turn you on? That’s the least constructive thing you could do, surely you realise that! If she isn’t interested in sex right now then the idea of getting dressed up in things that make her self conscious for your pleasure is not going to change her mind!

@Deathgrip I agree. I am a regular stocking wearer (personal choice, not as bedroom entertainment) but would not want to wear them when while having sex.

This will sound horrible but there can be à difference between not wanting sex and not wanting sex /with you/

I have no interest in sleeping with my own husband as I no longer find him attractive.

I do still have a high sex drive though which I am diverting elsewhere.

I was in a 'dead bedroom' marriage for several years. All of my own making really.

My wife was much more experienced than me at the time - had experimented more than I had - group experiences, anal sex etc. We were also slightly different body shapes, wasn't a factor to begin with but it did play a part. Sometimes a few different things happened and I began to lose my confidence with her sexually.

Over time I withdrew from sex and avoided anything that would provoke the conversation. Even avoided movies that I knew featured similar scenes.

I was still very interested in sex, and masturbation was my sexual outlet. I also began to feel very sexually attracted to co-workers. I work in a huge financial company and experienced a lot of flirting there every day.

I didn't see my wife in a sexual way at all. She dressed in a way that was less than sexy to me. I heard a French expression of 'cut to reveal and not conceal' and nothing she had was like that.

I think she was very frustrated and I was unable to communicate things.

After a few years, I discovered she was having an affair with an old boyfriend and I did the same with an old GF. We ended our marriage and we're both far happier these days.

Really hard I have bipolar and the meds I'm on have completely got rid of any sex drive. Hubby said he would rather me well but I feel so bad for him. I still fancy him and I know he does me but I have no drive at alk. I've put on so much weight with the medication I feel so fat. I really worry about us to be honest because DH doesn't ever ask about it and tends to steer away from conversation saying he just is glad I'm well which is more important

Thanks for all your comments. I really tried last night to see if we could re ignite something. I was very much shut down. Now I feel at pretty much an all time low with this with no where to turn.