He doesn't 'go down'

[stambirk]

Newish partner. We've been having sex together exclusively for about 6 months now. He was previously married and never performed oral sex because she point blank refused to let him. Apparently her go to excuse was 'I have heavy discharge'.
Anyway, she also never have him oral sex, claiming that she couldn't give a blow job to someone she loves.
The marriage ended because she cheated on him... lots. Including his discovery that she'd had sex with one of the teenage daughters friends.
So understandably he has issues surrounding sex, which we're working through. I give him oral sex regularly, but he never returns the favour. I think he's actually scared! We've spoken about it lots and he tries to diffuse the situation with humour rather than actually taking the bull by the horns. Would this be a deal breaker for you? I'm not sure.

He's otherwise very loving, trying hard to work through his issues, great with my children (yes, shock horror! They've met already!) and generally fantastic. So caring and appreciative of me, my opinions, identity etc.

I think that I would not lose much time in telling him that this was a quid pro quo kind of thing. You know him and his history better than I do, of course, but you aren't asking him to perform something dangerous, like a parachute jump. Giving another human pleasure is a huge joy for most people and I think he needs to man up and go down.

Deal breaker? 100% yes, no exceptions. No oral, no entry. And discussion should be had first.

Yes talk to him. I've always been annoyed and moved on if a guy won't go down on me but happily let's me on him

If he can receive it then he can surely have a go at giving.

I think it seems to be at least to some degree a psychological issue stemming from his ex. I guess he probably doesn't feel confident either doing it? Another aspect may be that some guys don't like doing it with hair down there. I found my DH was even more enthusiastic once I started being fully waxed and prob less so if I end up going longer so having more regrow this than normal. In any event I find I enjoy much more without. Maybe give a try if you haven't?

But in any event talking is important and he needs to know how important it is for you. I find it isn't just the lovely feeling but how intimate it is for my DH to do to me and see me react

Wouldnt bother me...i dont like it so am happy to give but not receive....

I'm hair free and have been for years. I don't know what the issue is... we do talk about it frequently and he knows how important it is to me. I think it's correct that it's a confidence thing and one that he needs to overcome himself without me badgering. I guess I'll just have to be patient.

that would be a deal breaker for me

I am still at a loss to understand why he won’t do it based on what went on in the past with someone else. Now is now so to speak.

Have you thought about taking a shower, then putting a clean pair of knickers on and asking him to kiss you through your knix? It can be a very pleasant lead up to stage 2 (maybe that is for another day?) and stage 3.

Not a deal breaker for me. DP won't go down but that's because of past trauma. Tbh I'm not bothered any more. When we first got together I was a little worried about it but now I'm happy with our sex life. We make sure to spend time doing other things before piv and he does make sure to spend time on me just not going down.

If he doesn't wanna do, he doesn't wanna do it. If he's not pleasing you with the stuff he does like doing, then that's another problem.

Fairly certain if this was the other way round, there'd be screams of patriarchy. Focus on the stuff you both like. If it's a deal breaker, move on.

Not only is it a deal breaker it's also making up a load of bullshit about his ex's behaviour. She never blew him cos he never went down in her. And the amount of "cheating" that's just a cover.

I was abour to post exactly the same as Disney.
Yes it's a deal breaker and I don't believe for one second the story about the ex not letting him go down on her.

Maybe he's made a cock (no pun intended) and bull story about his reasons because he's worried about modern day female thinking about men who don't go down?

I still think this thread would be very different if it was about a woman that wouldn't go down. Shallow men etc... I know it's Mumsnet, but the doublebstandards are pretty high.

I've not much experience of this to be honest but a few friends have and it seems to be nerves with those men and one who was open and said he just didn't like it

@flintfoxy I hope you mean not much experience of being denied chow,.rather than the act itself

Lol I mean not much experience of men not wanting to do it - all my lovers have been erm enthusiastic

• @disney

Sorry, but you're wrong. I went to school with his ex. We live in a small town. The cheating is well known.

I've always had enthusiastic lovers too, so I dong understand his reluctance. 🤷‍♀️ He's quite happy to have his face up close to my nether regions when he's using his fingers.... I'm just willing him to get his tongue out ffs.

I was abour to post exactly the same as Disney.
Yes it's a deal breaker and I don't believe for one second the story about the ex not letting him go down on

Why not? Not everyone does.
Why is it ok for a woman to say she doesn't want to do something but not ok for a man?
If this was the other way round and a woman was saying she didn't want to give oral sex then people on here would be saying your body, if he's not happy ltb

Quite! It seems like it's one rule for women and another for men. I just wanted some genuine advice on how to deal with the situation. There was no need to draw conclusions or make outdated stereotypes on all men being liars and bastards.

It does seem like you can't post anything about the opposite sex on MN without the misandrists coming out in force.

Agreed.

I'm just picturing the response if the genders were reversed over a woman who didn't want to do oral..... "Deal breaker, leave the bitch....."

The pitch forks would be out.

I dread to think what the fall out would be if a guy said that. Sometimes MN is ridiculous.

Quite! It seems like it's one rule for women and another for men. I just wanted some genuine advice on how to deal with the situation. There was no need to draw conclusions or make outdated stereotypes on all men being liars and bastards.

I think if the guy treats you well in other ways but this is the one thing he doesn' want to do then whats the problem?
I

I don't think anyone should do anything sexually they are uncomfortable with to please another person. But if the roles were reversed and a man was here saying I can't live without blow jobs and she won't give them I'd say don't go any further in the relationship either if it's a deal breaker situation.