He doesn't 'go down'

[stambirk]

Newish partner. We've been having sex together exclusively for about 6 months now. He was previously married and never performed oral sex because she point blank refused to let him. Apparently her go to excuse was 'I have heavy discharge'.
Anyway, she also never have him oral sex, claiming that she couldn't give a blow job to someone she loves.
The marriage ended because she cheated on him... lots. Including his discovery that she'd had sex with one of the teenage daughters friends.
So understandably he has issues surrounding sex, which we're working through. I give him oral sex regularly, but he never returns the favour. I think he's actually scared! We've spoken about it lots and he tries to diffuse the situation with humour rather than actually taking the bull by the horns. Would this be a deal breaker for you? I'm not sure.

He's otherwise very loving, trying hard to work through his issues, great with my children (yes, shock horror! They've met already!) and generally fantastic. So caring and appreciative of me, my opinions, identity etc.

I won't separate, as I couldn't and won't break up the family home and cause hurt, upset and disruption to the children, so it looks like I'm stuck with my lot for now. Plus financially due to other circumstances it would be pretty much impossible.

Is there anything I can do to help my wife be more sexual, sensual and feel any basic lust or am I clutching at straws?

She fears I'll up sticks and leave one day so is under no illusion as to the seriousness of the problem and isn't taking a nonchalant approach to this, but also doesn't know what to do about it. As I say, I spot fake from a mile away and she's a terrible actor.

I don't think there's anything you can do beyond what you're already doing.

I have a friend who's been married for almost 20 years. He looks good and is fit, adores his family and yet his wife isn't interested in sex, and he claims that he once went 5 years without any sexual contact with her. They recently had a conversation in which he told her they must separate if they can't enjoy a normal sex life. She told him to take a lover. As far as I'm aware he hasn't to date, but I wouldn't blame him if he did.

Sorry, I'm not advocating what his wife suggested. I just don't understand how people can exist in sexless relationships.

Me neither, and mine ins't sexless, just devoid of passion, fun, spontaneity, excitement, fulfilment, satisfaction, lust, desire, or any of the other benefits of what one might consider a healthy sexual relationship.

I absolutely would never cheat, even if she expressly permitted.

It's like going to a concert to see your favourite band with someone who sits down all the way through, or going to your favourite restaurant with someone who's just eaten and orders a salad and glass of tap water.

My husband has gone down on me only twice in 9 years. I go down on him every time we have sex and when i cant have sex due to that time of the month. Because i enjoy it and i enjoy pleasing him. I hate that he doesnt want to for me, but what can i do? Cant exactly force him 😞 it does make me feel like maybe there's something wrong with me

Personally wouldn't bother me at all but if it's important to you then it's important to you and you need to properly speak to him.
I love giving oral but not that bothered about receiving it, prefer the D!