My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

You need to have been registered for 7 days to post in the Sex forum. Please don’t send unwanted PMs to other users.

Sex

Orgasm - who's responsibility?

46 replies

Familymanhusband · 05/07/2018 20:41

Just looking for people's views on who's responsibility it is to provide an orgasm?

Not a gender specific question, however due to the more frequent difficulty in women achieving orgasm compared to men, I guess it's likely to resonate more in this area.

For example, in a hetro couple, is it the man's responsibility to provide his partner with an orgasm, or should she take some or all the responsibility to ensure she has one - whether this be using her fingers for added manual stimulation, or asking for a certain position, depth, speed or what ever, or should the woman just go with the flow and hope the man's efforts provide an orgasm?

In trying to answer the question myself, I found gender equality featuring in my thoughts. For example, if a man was to lie back and expect the woman to do all the work and keep going until he had an orgasm, would that be considered acceptable? I felt not, therefore the opposite cannot be fair either? In which case that supports the concept that a woman must take at least some of the responsibility to reach orgasm. Yet that doesn't always seem to be the case.

Thoughts?

----

If you've found this page in your search of the best sex toys that can help you achieve orgasm and have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for women useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:
Report
Wherearemymarbles · 05/07/2018 22:20

Depends surely?

If you are giving a man a hand/blow job then thats mainly down to you doing it how he likes it. And its up to him to tell you.

Same works woth other way

As for intercourse you could be reading a book and he would still orgasm.
From your point of view then unless you can orgasm easily from piv you probably have to tell him what works and what you need.

Ultimately you both have to communicate to make it work

Report
bloomingrain · 05/07/2018 23:54

@wheresmymarbles,

It never ceases to amaze me how people confuse ejaculation and orgasm, they are two separate things, yes they normally coincide, but it's utterly incorrect to assume that ejaculation equates to orgasm.

Report
PussGirl · 06/07/2018 00:14

I think my orgasms are my own responsibility. Even if my man is pressing all the right buttons & twiddling all the correct knobs, if my head isn't in the right place I won't cum. Even if I'm helping.

Same goes for him - he finds it difficult letting go enough to cum as he then zones out & falls asleep, which he thinks is really selfish, as often I can manage yet another one.

Report
Wherearemymarbles · 06/07/2018 08:39

Errrr bloomingrain - where did i mention anything about ejaculation?

Never ceases to amaze me how fucking stupid some people are

Report
bloomingrain · 06/07/2018 11:13

@Wherearemymarbles,

Well if you believe that male orgasm is as simple as you lying back and zoning out reading a book and leaving him to it perhaps they're not enjoying it as much as you think.

No need for the language, I'm sure you can get your point across without it.

Report
Tinkerbellx · 06/07/2018 11:46

Crikey makes it sound like a job description ! Responsibility Hmm

DTD with partner is unique to the people involved .
Personally it's more about the connection for both of us . Sometimes we orgasm sometimes we don't . Sometimes together, usually me first and him later , occassionally neither of us or just one . It's not the bee all and end all it's just nice when it happens and if it doesn't . I would DTD with any intention of wondering when or if either of us had the big O .

If I thought my dp was considering whose responsibility it was or even worrying about this it would put me off entirely .
I'm 47 tho so maybe more laid back attitude Tbf .

Report
AngelsSins · 12/07/2018 16:05

Surely it’s both peoples responsibility to ensure the other is enjoying it and having a good time? A good partner will be interested and care about getting the other off. I think that’s all you can actually expect from someone.

Often men will finish and then roll over and go to sleep with no care as to if the woman has finished, and that seems to be widely accepted. A woman doing the same doesn’t seem so acceptable, does it? Sex is over once the man had cum. Likewise I often read or hear about women giving their partner a blowjob or whatever, and expecting nothing in return. It’s extremely rare that I hear about that happening the other way round, so to me it seems like men are more selfish when it comes to pleasure/orgasm.

Report
Familymanhusband · 12/07/2018 22:28

Ok, let's explore this a little more.

What would a person do in this scenario...

During two way give and take foreplay, the woman doesn't orgasm after say 20-30 mins of touching/oral or whatever, nor gives any specific direction of what she wants, even when asked if there is anything specific they would like - "what you're doing is lovely".

(Yeah, but not that lovely, clearly)

Eventually the man kind of resigns to the fact that he is not going to be able to bring his partner to orgasm manually, therefore moves on to PIV.

Tries several different positions, but is always the one to suggest a position change - the woman seemingly content with whatever position is suggested.

When possible, depending on the various positions the man tries to assist with manual stimulation, but to no avail.

PIV continues for anywhere between 10-20 mins, but with no real orgasmic response form the woman, nor encouraging feedback, the man kind of looses heart due to the woman's apparent passiveness.

Despite best efforts, excitement levels never appear to raise above a 3 out of 10 and the prospect of hearing something like "Just like that, or don't stop etc" are a million miles away.

During PIV, there is no apparent attempt on her part to shift position, take control, manipulate angles or rhythm to increase her own pleasure, nor would she reach down and stimulate herself.

So eventually, after a fair while with no increased response, feedback or seemingly any attempt at creating/extending her own pleasure, the man kind of gives up and finishes the job, as to go on any longer would be fruitless.

The man wants to please the woman and wants to give her an orgasm, but without any feedback, request or response, wonders whether to feel guilty or not for the woman not reaching orgasm, then questions how much responsibility should the woman take for helping herself get there after reading so many threads where the woman complains about selfish lovers.

OP posts:
Report
annandale · 12/07/2018 23:14

Sounds as if the woman has never come/has never come with a partner, has never had that much pleasure from sex, has no idea how to improve things, and just hopes for the best.

Yes I believe it is an individual's responsibility to manage their own orgasms, but if that means years of hearing 'no I didn't come... no not then either... well it feels quite pleasant but I'd rather you stroked my neck if I'm honest... 3 minutes is more than enough for me, don't bother with more than that...' would you be delighted? Wouldn't most women struggle with saying that to men if that has been their experience? I know it's the case for me.

Report
annandale · 12/07/2018 23:19

Most sex advice to women is pretty useless imo. 'Just relax... do what feels good...' pfft. Get tense, get energetic and learn what makes you aroused and what that feels like, and chase it like a dog, more like. Op, have you read the many posts on here about women being shamed for expressing arousal? I got told off for breathing too hard with one man who is fancied a lot. Difficult to chase an orgasm if your mental image of what you should be doing is lying on your back with a faint smile on your lips and undisturbed blow dry.

Report
Familymanhusband · 13/07/2018 08:26

Let's say that the woman does orgasm from time to time, from partner manual stimulation, but very infrequently yet can orgasm through masturbation no problem, but does so very infrequently.

What can be done to improve the situation if there is no apparent appetite on the woman's part to do so? No evidence of frustration or disappointment.

One might argue if that's the case, then there isn't a problem to fix?

However that ignores the two way dynamic of the situation.

What if, should the man be asked, "So what really tuns you on - what is the one thing with sex that fulfils you and makes you happy/satisfied?" and the answer is "a partner who is enthusiastic, horny and enjoys/chases an orgasm"

The passiveness could make the man feel rubbish in bed and like his efforts are insufficient, despite trying so very hard to be a considerate lover and not be one of those selfish men we hear about so frequently. It could erode self esteem, self confidence and massively impact his own enjoyment.

It could then lead to feeling, what's the point of all this foreplay and effort of trying to get things revved up and excited if it fails, why put yourself through the frustration and disappointment - might as well just get on with PIV if there's no appetite. If the woman doesn't appear bothered and is not displaying any evidence of chasing anything, if she can;t be arsed, why should he.

An challenging conundrum with no easy or obvious solution?

OP posts:
Report
annandale · 13/07/2018 08:39

Yes I think it is challenging. I had a partner who almost never orgasmed and it does foster a selfish approach, loss of self esteem and you lose interest.

You could go on orgasm strike? Forget piv and just make love, refuse to do what makes you come unless she does what makes her come?

Report
AngelsSins · 13/07/2018 10:49

Familymanhusband you seem to be taking one VERY specific situation and applying it to all women who complain about selfish partners? Apologies if that’s not what you mean, but if you do, you’re way off!

Report
Familymanhusband · 13/07/2018 18:27

@AngelsSin

I don't mean to appear that way. I'm just trying to work out for my own position just how much I should feel responsible for trying to make sure my DP achieves an orgasm, if there's little or no apparent appetite or desire for her to help herself. I'm clearly not any kind of Casanova but absolutely try my best.

To continually fail, and to fail at something that is a critical element to my own enjoyment and fulfilment is a real challenge for me and one I want to overcome.

I said it before in a different thread - it's like being a major 'foodie' and going out for a slap up meal at your favourite restaurant to have a great evening, with someone who isn't hungry and doesn't feel like drinking. If you can imagine how that would feel, I kind of feel the same.

@annandale

I'm not sure whether orgasm strike would achieve anything other than drive me nuts. She's not like me and wouldn't chew for hours over whether I was enjoying myself or whether she'd 'performed', as I suspect that as I'm the one doing all the work, whether I enjoy it is therefore a result of my own efforts if that makes sense?

I've never finished from a hand or blow job, as frankly they've never been good or long enough (despite more than enough guidance and suggestion) so PIV is my only outlet, and again, I'm the one doing the thrusting, unless she's on top, at which it's too slow and gentle to really do anything and certainly doesn't look like it's doing anything for her.

I don't want to be a selfish lover and neglect her enjoyment, nor feel disappointed that I'm in a restaurant with someone who's not hungry.

OP posts:
Report
NotTheFordType · 14/07/2018 11:01

Mate I'm not sure how long it's going to take to realise that your wife is just not (no longer?) interested in sex to anywhere near the same degree you are.

The ability to masturbate to relieve the physical urge does not "prove" in any way that the person is just withholding sexual desire/pleasure from a partner. Have a read through the hundreds of threads from women who are gutted that their partners show no sexual interest in them, yet have a huge porn habit.

To address the original question you posted, the "responsibility" for orgasm lies with the person having it. We each need to use our words, communicate clearly, be audibly responsive, etc. So that means for women, we have to let go of the shame we have been taught to feel for taking charge of our own sexual fulfilment.

It takes ovaries the first time you tell a guy "Harder/softer/don't suck my clit/do suck my clit/put your finger in my pussy/put your finger in my arse/fuck me harder/can we switch to doggy/go more slowly" etc. But every time you do it, it gets easier.

Report
Familymanhusband · 14/07/2018 13:31

That's great, but she just won't do that and shows no sign of needing or wanting to. It's like nothing I do (and I've tried pretty much everything I've ever seen or heard of, or that has worked with previous partners) really drives her nuts. You've had thought that in 20 years she;d have had chance to 'let go'?

Passive is the only word that really sums it up.

Sounds like I love sex and she finds it 'quite nice'.

I'll not bother trying anymore. If she's not 'hungry' in the restaurant, there's no point me waving the menu under her nose continuously. I'll just have the steak, ice cream and nice bottle of wine. She can drive home.

OP posts:
Report
SnoogyWoo · 14/07/2018 17:21

I’m starving now.

Report
NotTheFordType · 14/07/2018 20:54

She's had plenty of chances to let go. She doesn't want to let go. Leave her in peace and find your happiness elsewhere.

Report
downinthedumppppppsssss · 15/07/2018 20:39

Does she have a vibratory can she get herself off ??

I can not alone orgasm from penetration but can with my husband from either stimulating myself on top of him or when I'm super relaxed and want to orgasm him talking to me ..... (il leave it to your imagination)

Personally I have a high sex drive
Though and want to have an orgasm and once you've had a really good one you will want more ... she may just not either be mentally up to it or not be that interested that's her responsibility though..
I'd put less
Pressure on yourselves but please buy her some
Toys and try those,, she will need to now how to orgasm by herself before she can show you how to ..

Report
Familymanhusband · 15/07/2018 20:59

She can orgasm, and has had toe curlers, just very seldom with me and only after a marathon session of me doing manual/oral for absolutely ages, to the point where it stops being a pleasure but becomes more of an ordeal where absolutely everything has to be perfect, and the stars aligned, and what seams like a long list of criteria that needs to be in place. It's really off putting to have something be such hard work. I know that sounds off, and I don't mean it to be, but it really is a 'challenge' that takes the fun away and after absolutely ages, becomes boring, especially when she can't do anything for me during the process as it is distracting. It just feels like she's in no way horny enough.

She has a vibrator which does a very good job, but she shows no appetite to reach for it during our sessions.

It's as if she's just not that bothered, which on paper would be fine, other than a woman being bothered and really enthusiastic is what gives me the most excitement and fulfilment.

OP posts:
Report
rebelrebel3 · 15/07/2018 23:20

Omg this is awful OP....have you thought of having sex with someone else?

Report
Familymanhusband · 16/07/2018 22:59

@rebelrebel3

I often fantasise about it - I picture sitting on the sofa, and a woman snuggling up and putting her hand on me and whispering something rude in my ear.

Or during normal daily activities, pausing, grabbing me and kissing me passionately and suggesting that we go up stairs.

Or phoning me up and saying something like "I'm really missing you and can't wait for you to come home so we can......"

That sort of stuff, but again, it's all just fantasy.

I'd never cheat as that's just wrong. I made a promise in church and support a strong family unit which is precious to me.

I'd just like to feel I'm sexually important to someone and on their radar, preferably my life partner.

Too much to ask I guess.

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

rebelrebel3 · 17/07/2018 09:30

Yes too much to ask within your current relationship I'd say -people can't change on those deep things about the way they relate / feel. And anyway for her it's not even a problem perhaps.
I respect what you say about it being wrong to go outside but also disagree! I had disappointing sex for years and years and the joy of experiencing what it felt like with a more compatible partner was something i can't put into words. I've heard that not enough sex (or not enough great sex) is the number one regret expressed by people at the end of life.

Report
Tinkerbellx · 17/07/2018 13:13

I must say I was in a sexless marriage for many many years ( 25 )
Now 4 years post divorce .... still only 47 and 18 months with the right man and I think we can count on one hand ( well twice actually ) the number of nights we haven't been intimate . ? Not living together tho !
It's just made me feel complete for the first time in my life that's all I can say . Some would disagree but that's just my exp . I hope we're still finding it as beautiful when we're even more wrinkly x
I think your missing out .
Only you can change that though .

Report
rebelrebel3 · 17/07/2018 13:35

Good for you Tinkerbell, I'm on same page. In another 100 years will the concept of lifetime monogamy even be a thing? We live so long and expect so much - if the person you met in your 20s can still do it for you 20/30/40 years later, fantastic - but what are the chances? It seems so sad to me to remain faithful forever if one or both of you feel as disappointed as OP sounds - who really is the winner from this sacrifice?

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.