He doesn't want to do oral

[Whyohwhy18]

Name change...
we've been together for 10years now and he's never gone down on me. He expects oral from me which I enjoy so it's ok. From the beginning of our relationship he's always said he can't do it even without trying.... I really want him too.

If he hasn't done it in 10 years he's not going to now.

Some people hate doing it, my dh does and I'm not going to force him to do something he doesn't enjoy for my pleasure. He doesn't expect it from me but I do occasionally do it as he enjoys it and I don't mind. As long as he makes sure he still have pleasure and not just being selfish

OP, he just isn't being fair. You say "He expects oral from me which I enjoy so it's OK". No, it's not OK. He has no right to "expect" you to do anything, especially if he won't make an effort to reciprocate.

I recall one of those TV programmes where couples discussed their sexual problems, and the lady was voicing exactly the same dissatisfaction as yourself. When her partner expressed his reluctance to indulge her predilections she retorted "Well, do you think I get a lot out of sucking your cock?" and quite right too!

As a matter of interest, they sent him off to an emporium in Brighton which specialised in making plaster casts of women's vulvas and displaying them, in the hope that he would become a bit more open minded. (Perhaps you'll be relieved that the programme makers weren't actually suggesting that the lady in question did the same!).

Perhaps a conversation away from the bedroom along the lines of "a bit more give and take" or "what's sauce for the goose....." with an implication that you might find it necessary to withdraw your carnal favours in this regard? Good luck!

Gender reversal for a moment.... no person should be pressured into doing anything they do not wish to. I think that is the generally excepted wisdom around here, no? I certainly read it often enough on this board.

On that basis, if he doesn't want to and hasn't after 10 years, he's not going to and you need to accept it or move on if it's a deal breaker.

If he 'expects' it from you, equally, that's not okay. If you chose to do it and enjoy doing so, then fair enough, crack on, but you should only do it if you both fully enjoy it, and not just in the hope that he returns the favour, as that will lead to resentment.

He "expects" oral?

No-one ought to expect anything in the bedroom.

Oh no, I think I used the wrong word I need to rephrase this!!

He asked if I wanted to 'try' it at the beginning of our relationship well 1yr in & I did. Now when we do get abit sexual in the bedroom, he sometimes moves my hand towards his penis & then I know he wants it... it's always sort of been like this or sometimes it's like I'll do it myself.

I shouldn't have written 'expect' made him sound so needy & in control, which he certainly is not.

That's what I always feel, he's never going to do it if he hasn't until now. It's certainly not a deal breaker, but I would like it. Read so much on how women who get it, enjoy it so much. Ah well!

Am I reading this correctly, it took a year for you to give him oral? Were you both relatively inexperienced?

My own thinking on this is that if it's don't down to inexperience then it could be overcome. However unlikely if he flat out says he doesn't like it.

I like giving, and it does give me pleasure to please dp. So i find it strange when other women say "well what does it do for me" it seems many might give it under duress. And because in the past I have also done so, I'm then apt to think that if a man didn't want to then it's something wrong with me. In the past I've rather reluctantly given oral, and whilst I wasn't forced to do so I really didn't enjoy it. So I conclude from this that I for whatever reason did not feel I really wanted to please and got no pleasure from giving them pleasure. I didn't like the shape, texture, smell, size, or look of.....and wasn't really bothered about pleasing that person.

So in short your left with wondering if it's you, and wondering why he doesn't want to please you, and doesn't or wouldn't get any pleasure from doing something that would please you. Or you have a complete aversion to it.

If he has a complete aversion to it, good luck with that! What does that say about his deepest thoughts about women and their anatomy. One could put forward all sorts of interesting hypothetical, theoretical and psychological reasons as to why some men have an aversion to it. Ultimately it will boil down to this "it's unclean" things go into and come out of it, it's a hole, I can't see what's there, suspicious of it, it gives birth to new life, it has power over me.........I both desire it and feel repulsion by it........these men have real psychological issues around women and their relationships with women. And my betting is that you won't overcome it.

I love oral, and I have to say that having a partner that didn’t enjoy both giving and receiving would be a deal breaker early in a relationship.

Sorry, OP, but he’s not going to change after 10 years. And even if he did, you’d probably struggle to get the same enjoyment knowing that he’s doing it out of a sense of duty.

I think that he could change, even after 10 years, but in order for it to happen there needs to be some frank discussion outside of the bedroom.

If you love someone, there are few better things than giving them pleasure. It does not matter whether that is through a thoughtful gift, a bunch of flowers, doing the ironing, or going down on them until they die with pleasure. Is he inclined to do the other things I have listed? If so, that is a good start. Do explore his negative attitude. It may be because of poor hygiene by a former partner, repressive attitude (although he doesn't have a problem sticking his cock in your mouth), or a variety of other reasons. When you know the reasons, you can begin to tackle them, perhaps with knowledge gained from informative websites. Good luck.

Has he ever been with anyone before? Sounds like he hasn't.
Say it's something you'd like and will he give it a try. He can stop obviously if he's not up for it.
It's worth the ask.
I wouldn't be giving oral in this situation though if a man refused to give it to me.

mini yes it was after a year. We spent that year getting to know eachother. We kind of come from strict backgrounds where sex before marriage isn't allowed, although we did after a year. Until we both knew we wanted to be together & this was it. We got married a few years later from then.

better yes we've both had previous partners before but no one we were sexual with. It's how to ask for it, I'm so shy to say stuff like that wouldn't know where to bloody start! Lol

Perhaps you might find it difficult in the moment and find it easier to talk to him outside of the bedroom? I would start with telling him how much you want to try this. Put no pressure on him to do it well! He won't have a clue initially. Put it to him that it's not immoral or dirty. It's you, your body and if he loves all of you he can't possibly find this part of you abhorrent, or dirty in anyway. Not sure what else you could say or do.

Have u discussed it with him as to why he doesn’t want to do it / doesn’t like it. Does he feel that area is unclean or something. How is your sexlife in general is it satisfying for you both if it is then I am not sure it would be a deal breaker for me. My dh seems to enjoy doing it and it is regularly part of our foreplay

I thunk the best thing with any sex stuff is to say it in bed at the time. Make it sexy.
'I'd love to feel your tongue on me' if it sounds hot he'll want to try it. You saying it will be sexy too.

What would you advise to someone who doesn't want to go down due to it being a bit of a mess down there?

Men and women come in all shapes and sizes - all equally unique and beautiful. Some more beautiful than others.

I'm no prude and enjoy giving oral, however my DP's vulva is appealing to me and I find it attractive. However, I've seen some images on line where things are not quite so neat and tidy, and some that look like a decapitated grizzly bear.

I'm fully aware that it this might make me sound shallow, but the latter would honestly put me off going down there and I'd try to refrain(I'm just being honest here). In those situations, what is a man supposed to say if questioned why they won't go down there without hurting the feelings of their partner?

I say this on the basis that we all find different things attractive and different things off putting and that there's no right or wrong.

@Familymanhusband
I'd say do you think women find penises visually appealing and arousing? Because the majority don't. But it's a turn on to please your partner.

I'd agree, but some are nicer looking than other I'd guess.

But to my original question, if the look of your partners bits is off putting to you and an actual turn off, enough for that to overcome the desire to please, what reason should the man (or woman) give for not wanting to go down there?

@Familymanhusband
My point was even 'nice' penises aren't visually arousing to women on the whole. Yet women still do it.
Why not go down on her to please her? So what if her vulva doesn't like a surgically altered porn star.

itsbetterthanabox two things:

1. how do you know you speak for most women?
2. why is it okay to tell a man that he should be doing something sexual when he doesn't want to? You wouldn't approve the other way round I'm sure.

itsbetterthanabox

Okay, I'll go there. Forget surgically altered porn stars - in my own experience, I've seen different types of vulvas.

Some have been very neat, tidy tucked away slots with only a tiny bit of inner labia showing. My own personal taste and preference is for this type. I find this the most attractive. That is allowed.

Some have had a fair bit of inner labia showing and protruding downwards - again no problem, it is what it is and whilst not so visually appealing to me personally, happy to get on with it.

Some have massive dangling lips that are crinkled, bunched up like a pile of gym rope and need to be rummaged through and carefully separated to get inside. I personally find this really unattractive and off putting and would actually turns me off and would certainly not want to go down there. This is also allowed.

Now, I know we're all different and we all like and dislike different things, so I'm just as entitled to have my preference the same way some women like tattoos, others like blonde men, others like tanned skin - it's all preference.

With genitals, it's not something you see whilst speed dating and will often only find out the landscape well into a relationship where you are happy and in love with everything else. You discover that the undercarriage is really off putting to you and you really don't like it, so make a decision and think, "Oh well, nobody's perfect, neither am I, I'll just not go down there"

Within those preferences, there are limits of what we find acceptable. I've read on here some women stating that their husbands have put on a load of weight, have big beer bellies and poor hygiene and simply cannot get turned on or in some cases are repulsed by their appearance. What I'm talking about is the same - a point where the appearance of something is outside of our window of 'get on with it'.

So - to my original question, what does a man say to his partner when she asks why he won't go down on her without hurting her feelings, knowing there's nothing she can do about it?

Some penises are visually appealing, to some women. I have my preferences. I alluded to this in my first post. In my experience and I think mens porn habits probably bare this out, men are not nearly so fussy, they just like looking at women's genitals. I don't particularly like the look of my own but I've never encountered a partner who hasn't been obsessed with looking at it. I'm inclined to think that if you literally fancy the pants off your partner it's because you like everything about them. I wouldn't be adverse to finishing a relationship with someone who's bits were a turn off. But I suspect that would be because disliking their bits simply reflects the fact I don't fancy them too much and there are other aspects of this person that mean they are incompatible.

Of course you don't see people's bits if you're speed dating......only a man would even make this comment, and it simply backs up my first statement, that men are obsessed with looking at what women have between their legs. And I suspect part of their obsession is tinged with quite disturbing contradictions. Of course if men are such expert appraisers and apt to go looking then they will develop aesthetic sensibilities.

As for porn obsessed aesthetically sensitive men.....of course they continue to have relationships with these "substandard" examples of womanhood with grizzled bits, because these examples are REAL women. And my betting is that these men are quite ordinary too, (lots of fat men about now) and their bits quite ordinary too. I feel it's a great pitty that so many less than perfectly desirable men have somehow made women feel that they are ugly and should match up to his porn obsessed aesthetic.

It is after all young women having surgery, not men.

No one should do anything sexual they don't want to. But women are usually the ones under pressure to do so.

MiniTheMinx

Agree with you.
If you don't like something about someone, you should absolutely not make that person feel ugly or negative about it at all - it serves no purpose and is not part of a loving relationship.

I'm bald. I don't like it and I know my DP doesn't either. She decides to stay with me and keeps her opinion to herself.

As would I if my DP had a vulva that I found unpleasant to look at.

Except you don't go down on a bald head, but you can on genitals and it is this I would refrain from if I found the vulva a turn off to look at.

So, on this basis of acceptance and respectful keeping ones opinions to oneself, how would you explain to your DP you didn't want to go down there without hurting their feelings?

I feel we're dancing round the subject a bit and nobody is willing to answer the question - how do you answer the question?

@Familymanhusband
What should a woman say to a man she's doesn't want to give Head to? Iyo?

I'd say I don't like it. But then I doubt I would feel this way about someone i ioved, and I doubt i would love someone who wasn't perfect in everyway for me. If I discovered something I found a turn off I would end the relationship. I think if I found it was ugly it would be a deal-breaker. I'm not and never have been single but equally I've never imagined being so desperate for sex or a relationship that I'd do anything with someone I had negative opinions of or found something about them physically off putting. But then I don't assume either to have developed an aesthetic sensibility to penises. I haven't seen many!

Whyohwhy18, since you both are each others only partners the best advice I can give you is open and honest communication. He enjoys receiving oral from you and while you enjoy giving it, you would quite reasonably be curious and want to experience the same. You need to have an honest discussion about your wants while you're not already in the throws of passion. While men with previous experience in the bedroom can find it insanely sexy for a woman to vocalize her desires to him during sex, since this is something he has never done, it would likely put him "on the spot", kill any sexytimes you were in the middle of and potentially devolve into a fight.

I suggest while you are spending time cuddling and being close, bonding but not sexually to tell him from your heart that you enjoy the sex you're having and want to be able to have a lasting quality sex life. Ask him first if there's anything naughty he wants to try, if he freezes or becomes embarassed, you can suggest broad categories of things that would intetest you as well, usually light bondage is something safe and naughty and can be as simple as "I would love if you blindfolded me / I would love to blindfold you". If he offers up something on his own or shows interest in something you've said I would use that opportunity to mention to him that the thought of him giving you oral drives you wild and you would love if he could do that for you.

At this point, you'll either get him to agree, or he could look embarassed or make a face. If he does this, do your best not to feel hurt - you're trying to have a mutually beneficial outcome from this talk, your end goal is a solution not a fight. Men can be just as sensitive in the bedroom as women about certain topics but I haven't met a male yet that will tell me "I'm bring difficult because I'm insecure and want you to reassure me". So take heart and ask him from a place of trying to understand - why he is hesitant. If he can't give you an answer, you can ask him what you think might be the issue. If he's worried about something physical like smell, taste, hair, etc offer up to take a shower/bath together and afterwards if he and YOU desire, you can take the opportunity to trim away any "excess" hair that may get in the way. Or you can shave, but whatever you do make sure you're comfortable with the decision as it's your body. Then tell him you want to use that as a stepping stone to allowing him to fully explore your body, unobstructed. Show him yourself with your hands what feels good, guide him, move as slowly as necessary.

If he shuts you down with a point blank no, and remains at a no after you offer tangible solutions to what could be stopping him, this is when I would ask why he perceives doing something to you as a no go zone but wants you to oblige him the same.

I feel like these are the best "first step solutions" I would try myself and HAVE had to do myself in the past. You sound like a lovely caring wife who cares for her husbsnds pleasure, if your relationship is healthy and equal outside of this, with a little reassurance and you taking the reigns to broach the "delicate" topic of sex, he should be excited to get on with whatever you two decide you want to try in addition to oral. Good luck OP!