Awkward - how to corrupt my DP

[LustfulInMiltonKeynes]

OK this is a bit of an awkward sex one guys so I've NC. No pisstaking please im looking for some genuine help.

Basically i love my DP; everythings great, EXCEPT - I'm getting bored in bed. We've only been together 1.5 years but he's not the most imaginative.

The problem is I'm used to quite enterprising men, so whilst im open and willing I'm not used to having to instigate anything that strays off the vanilla path.

So I've ordered a few things but really dont know how to go about introducing them. I know he will definitely be open to new stuff its just a question of how do I introduce it? Any ideas for getting the ball rolling?

Heres what I bought:
Paddle (ive actually never used one before)
Tape (basically seems to work like ties or handcuffs but i thought the tape would be more rough n ready than the other two)

I also bought a kind of sexy leather dress thing from ann summers.

Just FYI i am absolutely not interested in being the dominant one, im interested in him using the stuff mentioned above but i just have no idea how to introduce it or get the ball rolling. I mean surely i cant just plonk it down on the bed in the middle of getting down with it, and be like "there you go".

Im quite into role playing and i have tested this out on DP before (i pretended to be an escort) and he goes with it which is good. So maybe im looking for some sort of scenario i can instigate?

One way i thought of doing this is we live in a massive block of flats with a shared basement and our own garage which he uses every day. Am thinking i could move things down there and stage something? But how?

Any ideas from anyone more experienced, as i said i have no experience being the instigator and i dont think he has any experience at all in this kind of thing so just worried it will be awkward/feel stupid.

@LustfullnMiltonKeynes

That does make reading the situation & understanding the dynamic more difficult. Hope it all works out for you

I don't think this is likely to work unless you're open to being dominant at least sometimes. It's a bit massive to instigate and then hand over the reins; especially to someone who isn't totally sure what they're doing.

I'd agree to start with the dress; but given everything else that you've said about him, I think you'll need to show him by you being dominant - or at least talking him through what you want as he does it; but that is unlikely to appeal if you like the control aspect.

I hope it goes well!

Hmmmmm-I find it a bit surprising, I guess, that you are bored with sex after only 1.5 years together. Shouldn't you still be riding high with the newness factor?

I mean no disrespect, but are you really attracted to him?

Btw, maybe start by dressing up for him, in the leather outfit if you like, as an introductory move.

Maybe try this and say you thought it would be funny to try.

mojoupgrade.com

Its a sex questionnaire that covers all range of sex from vanilla to the other fetish end. You do it seperately then it gives you a list of things you both said yes to. Saves the awkward of "i want to try this" and a reaction of shock etc. Anything either one of you have said no to. It wont bring up in the final list. But obviously talking to each other is most important but if he finds it hard to talk out loud as you say prudish it might help him.

Start by talking OP. Seriously, kink without communication is not something to mess with.
Introduce some talking into your ordinary sex - do you like it when I do this? Would you like me to do this? What would you like me to do? What would you like to do to me next?
It doesn’t have to be a full blown investigative interview, just a bit of sexy pillow talk. And listen.

Kink isn’t just about paddles and handcuffs. The kind of person you want wielding a paddle is someone who is turned on not so much by hitting you, but by the pleasure you experience from it; someone who is sensitized to your responses and is able to recognize and respond to your limits.
The kind of person you want to paddle is someone who can still communicate when deep in the dissassociative, endorphin rush.

It’s a dangerous myth that people just need to be woken to their kink. And it is very grim to try and be kinky when you’re not. Outside of fantasy writing most people who are kinky have known for a long time. There’s a grey area where people who aren’t intrinsically interested in an activity can derive satisfaction from their partner’s pleasure. But be honest with yourself whether you want to spice things up or explore your own kink. Finding out and developing your dp’s interests is a way to introduce variety. You could encourage him to share some porn with you for instance.

I don't think jumping into bondage/domination without being sure exactly how far the other person is happy to go, is a good idea at all.

I mean, we’re not totally vanilla but that’s like, double chocolate fudge caramel with marshmallows, whipped cream and a cherry on top

I think you might be quite vanilla. It's not really anything kinky she's asking for.

Op why don't you try to find porn with paddles etc and watch but together and see how it goes

You have to actually talk about this. If you've never used a paddle before, you may not like the sensation in reality - and he might just whack away not realising there's actually a technique to it and places to be careful of hitting.

Your best plan is to instigate time and bring in some light spanking and as pillow talk bring up the idea of a bit of bondage etc. Talking and informed consent on both sides are sexy; "Look I've created a dungeon!" not so much.

whatshallido
We’re really not, not being into leather and beating doesn’t mean we’re vanilla
And it’s not just that as I said, if my DP suddenly starting dressing in leather and wanted to go down to the garage so I could spank him with a paddle he’d bought behind my back would make me run a mile, it’s too much all in one go
You both need to want this, not just one person

If you had to press and press for a reply and he finally said leather....I wonder if he really meant that or if you pressured him to produce “an answer”.
I’d turn your thoughts way way back to something more simple, but the book the joy of sex and work though a page at a time.

I can just imagine all sorts of embarrassing situations involving the neighbours hearing some thing odd in the basement and calling the police, or knocking on the garage door to ask if you have a screwdriver.

Unless an element of risk and potential discover is a turn on.

discovery

Grasslands that's exactly what I thought.

It's like when a guy says "Tell me your deepest fantasy" and he's hoping to hear "I want a threesome with you and my hot best friend" and instead you say "I'd love to fuck you in the arse! I have my strap on in this drawer are you down?" Instant dick wilt

Unfortunately OP I think what you have here is a man who is not only deeply vanilla, but is also passive in bed. That's not the same thing as lazy - he'll do stuff if you take the lead, but he won't take the lead on his own initiative.

Joking around with playful smacks AFTER sex is not a sign that he's naturally dominant. Not even a tiny bit. A sign of that would be him smacking your arse BEFORE he's cum.

This reads like sexual incompatibility.

If anyone tried to introduce any of this to me, male or female, I would run for the hills. Finding out what gives each other pleasure does not have to approach bondage or S and M. For many people it is a complete turn-off. Please be careful you may cause problems. Think about the origins of this sort of sex, Pleasure can only be had by pain/force, Guilt at open sexuality, the dominance of either sex. None of this equals giving and receiving of sexual pleasure which should be freely given without the need for punishment. You really need to find out how he feels about this, subtle hints might help

Could you message him about it if you don't want to strt discussion face to face. Gives him a chance to have a think about it

Hints are not the way to go. You have sex, you're in a relationship, open your gob and talk.

Sounds like incompatibility to me too. You want a good hard fuck with a hot lover who spanks you and pulls your hair because he's madly in lust with you.

Whereas he wants to lie down, get his cock pleasured a bit and have a cuddle all at the same time. Which is nice but not really the same.

I'd love it if my neighbours turned their garage into a sex dungeon, I would never stop telling people about it

Seriously though, you just need to have a chat with him about it, in a casual setting with your clothes on, see what he says then have a go the next time you're in the mood.

Personal opinion but I also think it's a good idea to keep the 'vanilla' sex going, if you're doing more exotic stuff all the time then it has the potential for sex to become exclusively about getting off and you could lose sight of the simplicity of having sex simply because you love someone and you want to connect and be intimate with them.

I mean, we’re not totally vanilla but that’s like, double chocolate fudge caramel with marshmallows, whipped cream and a cherry on top

I didn't expect this thread to make me so HUNGRY!

Look you need to talk to your DP here. People are different and I would absolutely HATE it if my DH whipped this stuff out on me with no warning. Remember: it has to be ok for him not to be into it, just like it would be ok for you not to be into something he wanted to do. Its not a case of being dull or enterprising - no judgement should be there. You are just talking about different preferences, not a rating system!

Erm, the best idea here is just to bring it up in conversation and if he seems keen, great. But if not, do not try to manipulate him into doing it. It would be really bad to do so and if it was vice versa, people would be up in arms. Imagine a thread by a man asking how to basically manipulate his partner into having anal sex?

However, i fully understand what you are wanting. I am very similar. I get so bored with 'vanilla sex' but its all DH is into. I have to accept that. I would absolutely love having a dominant partner, or even a submissive one, just to try out all of this stuff that does turn me on a lot to even think of. But I have to accept its just not DHs thing at all, same as he would have to accept that something really wasn't mine if he was wanting to try something that I absolutely did not want.

So as i said im doing this tomorrow, he gets home at 10pm ish and i asked him today if he was taking his motorbike which he is.

So my plan is to text him whilst he's at work pretending to be a stranger who's interested in buying his bike which he'll totally play along with.

Then im going to meet him in the garage with trench over dress, disrobe, get on the bike etc etc. I think this will be a great way of introducing the leather at least and then ill take it from there.

Please don’t use a silk scarf: a knot can pull too tight to open. Handcuffs can be released by the person wearing them and are much safer