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Sex

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Original poster

What can I say to him?

99 replies

Eral1234 · 15/08/2017 14:34

There have been a few occasions recently where my DP has struggled to maintain an erection. Once it is lost, he can't then get it back and has to come by masturbating himself into my mouth (his penis doesn't really get hard though when he is doing this).

He says that he is tired and this is why he can't sustain an erection.

The problem I've got is I really don't know how to handle this with him. I don't want to make a huge issue out of it but I just feel that I am a hole into which he masturbates. I don't want to make him feel bad so what do I say to him when it happens? Do I just keep telling him not to worry about it and pretending it isn't really happening - hopefully the problem might go away.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 16/08/2017 10:41

He doesn't have time for you to enjoy yourself. That says it all. Ditch. You can definitely do better.

DeleteOrDecay · 16/08/2017 10:41

He seems to think that I am absolutely enthralled by his penis and that I worship it! He even talks to it and it has a name.

Good grief, he's definitely been watching too much porn.

Seriously why are you so worried about denting his confidence? What about your confidence? Being treated as a masterbatory tool isn't exactly making you feel good about yourself.

Stop putting him first at your expense. Unlike what the porn tells him, sex is not something men are entitled to, it is not something that he 'does to' another person. It's meant to be a shared experience. It's about time he learnt that the hard way. Selfish arse.

Mesgegra · 16/08/2017 10:42

Wow you'r just a tool to his masterbation. :-/
He is just masterbating with somebody else there realky.

No wonder you are underwhelmed

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/08/2017 10:45

Yes he's a wanker! Hope you can extricate yourself without too much difficulty.

Mustang27 · 16/08/2017 10:54

This made me sad!! Don't tolerate and don't be nice anymore. He has shown no indication of giving a shit about your pleasure so fuck his.

If you think the rest of the relationship is worth it get some sex therapy maybe as a couple and separately as this will have damaged the way you view your own pleasure I.e pretended to be satisfied as you thought you were taking to long. Also if he is watching a lot of porn it may be skewing his view of what a women should be/do in bed so some therapy for him to see what is going on there might help.

If he is not willing then I think that says it all.

maccax · 16/08/2017 11:16

OP, you sound a very caring and selfless lady........he's taken advantage I'm afraid.

You have some tough choices to make.

Quartz2208 · 17/08/2017 08:03

He sounds horrible and stop worrying about his feelings as he clearly cares nothing for you and your needs or desires. It is too much porn and he does just see you as a means to an end.

I bet it's not the only relationship issue either is it

Frouby · 17/08/2017 08:12

I would give his penis a new name, Mr Floppy. Tell him he is a crap, selfish shag and ltb.

Alternatively when he nexts asks to use your mouth to masterbate into say it's your turn first and do the same to him. If he doesn't like it tell him you don't either so either put up with it or fuck off.

He sounds vile OP. Honestly. Sex should fun for both of you. Sometimes a quicky is fun. Sometimes an intense lovemaking session is fun. Sonetimes a rude shag is fun. Some people find different things nice. But as long as both of you are happy it doesn't matter what you do. But you aren't happy so it's not OK.

Original poster

Eral1234 · 17/08/2017 14:21

I've just spoken to him - it didn't go well.

I tried to be as sensitive as possible and didn't even mention his ED. I pointed out that our sex life felt like recreating a porn film and that I wanted to sometimes feel like there was a connection between us in bed rather than me being a receptacle for his sperm.

I didn't criticise him, I just gently pointed out that there were some things that I would like to change. I.e stop masturbating into my mouth. I was actually on top the other week and he physically pushed me off so that he could come in my mouth. He didn't even remember this.

He took it really personally and told me that he only did it because he thought I liked it that way and he was giving me what I wanted. He now is giving me the silent treatment and I feel really guilty for hurting his feelings. I tried to discuss things with him calmly but his reaction seems disproportionate.

If he gave a shit about anything but his own pleasure, he would be mortified wouldn't he? I know I would be reacting completely differently if he had raised some issues with me. In fact, I regularly ask him if there is anything we could improve in bed, as I want him to have a good time.

When I raised the issue that I thought his porn usage was affecting his ability to have a real life relationship, he told me that he didn't think he watched enough porn. When I asked him what he meant by that, he said that if I could have more money he would and that porn was the same.

I'm sitting here in fucking tears. I'm sorry, I just needed to vent because other than my partner, I haven't really got anyone else in real life to talk to, as my friends have drifted off over the years.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:

Mustang27 · 17/08/2017 14:33

Honestly get him too fuck Eral1234 he is an utter twat and a liar when he says he thought you liked it when he did it.

NewMummyMNetter · 17/08/2017 14:36

He's manipulating the situation! He Knew you'd back off if he said you'd hurt his feelings!
He's not taking any responsibility for his actions!!!!
And I'm sorry I'm not sure any woman would solely like to always have a man finish in their mouth! Now and again maybe yes but every time!

Sorry OP he's being totally selfish!!! I hope your ok! Don't cry it's not your fault it HIM

WiseDad · 17/08/2017 14:42

Chiming in because err.

Look. Any man who has a name for his penis is weird. Any man who gets off as you have described is weird. This is likely driven by addictive behaviour in relation to pornography. Like political views I understand that this has become more extreme as volume has increased.

Either (a) he loves you and is mortified he is disappointing you or (b) he cares for you but loves himself a whole lot more than he is letting on, if you see what I mean.

It's genuinely difficult to talk s x frankly but that doesn't sound like the issue here. It sounds more like the lack of knowledge of what you want isn't due to communication but a lack of desire.

I would suggest you Say no next time anything is desired. It might lead you to breakup but it isn't a good place you, and he, are in right now. Try to talk again when you have had space and a day or two. Don't let it pass.

Mesgegra · 17/08/2017 14:48

What the hell does porn do to men's brains........? he can't get an erection. He thinks that he does not watch enough porn

Well, he knows perfectly well that you wanted more than him cumming in to your mouth. I agree with the PP who says that the name for his penis is ''mr floppy''. Sex with this guy sounds miserable.

Batteriesallgone · 17/08/2017 14:58

Don't feel guilty lovely. Start getting angry.

He's manipulating you because you're nice. He's horrible.

Mesgegra · 17/08/2017 15:08

He should be so embarrassed. People are often very defensive when they are ashamed though. I reckon that although he won't admit it, he is ashamed. Although I'm still baffled that he thinks that there is space in his life for ''more porn''. You're pushing water uphill there. Leave him to his porn. Don't look back.

I see you say you're isolated. You can begin to make new friends. I felt very isolated being single so I decided I'd have to buy a life. I paid to join a gym. I paid to do a class. I enjoy both and I did make one new friend. There is something else I'm keen to do now and I want to pursue it in September. Think about your own interests and needs now.

DeleteOrDecay · 17/08/2017 16:07

He took it really personally and told me that he only did it because he thought I liked it that way and he was giving me what I wanted.

What bollocks. He knows full well you don't enjoy him cumming in your mouth and that you only do it for his benefit.

He's obviously on some conquest to recreate what he sees in porn, he's using you as some sort of live sex doll. You deserve so much better.

IdentifiesAsASloth · 17/08/2017 16:20

He's being defensive because he knows you are right. Please don't feel guilty. You've done a normal thing in sharing your feelings, it's what relationships are meant to be about.

I know it can be a common theme on here and I'm not usually one to throw it about but I really think you should consider LTB. He can't see anything wrong in making you feel crap about yourself, he doesn't care about making you feel satisfied. You deserve so much more lovely, you have so much to give and you are getting nothing back.

ibbleobbleblackbubble · 17/08/2017 16:32

He now is giving me the silent treatment and I feel really guilty for hurting his feelings
stop right now with the feeling guilty!
He is manipulating you, he's a selfish piece of shit and he's acting like a spoiled toddler, be the grown up and just ignore his infantile behaviour

RebeccaWrongDaily · 17/08/2017 16:37

leave him, he's an arsehole.

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/08/2017 17:01

He took it really personally and told me that he only did it because he thought I liked it that way and he was giving me what I wanted

Oh, please.

For that alone, it's a big, fat LTB from me.

You can do so, so much better. But you never will while you're with him (for the record, I class being single and doing so, so much better).

Mesgegra · 17/08/2017 17:09

Yes, sex aside, I was listening to an alain robarge podcast earlier (he is a psychotherapist with 50 podcasts on the subject of relationships, attachment styles, getting over exes, much more) and he was saying something about how your wired up for connection constantly when you're ''with" somebody. When they don't meet you there it's a constant rejection which you're aware you're colluding in so you feel so much more alone and rejected than when you're just single. Obviously single people seek connection too but the simple state of actually genuinely being single as opposed to colluding in your own betrayal is so much less painful. He explained it better, apologies for mashing it here!

Batteriesallgone · 17/08/2017 17:39

colluding in your own betrayal that's a really good way of putting it! And so true

PollyBanana · 17/08/2017 19:49

"he thought you liked it that way"?
The man has zero empathy or interest in your pleasure.

I personally really enjoy giving my partner oral, but it's obvious that I do because I instigate it.
It's something I do for him, not something he does to me which is what your partner does by wanking off into your mouth.

Quartz2208 · 17/08/2017 21:29

He is awful, he has got a porn addiction and does not see you as worthwhile. You say he is one of the few people you can talk to but is he?

Mustang27 · 18/08/2017 09:27

Oh and when you leave him just say I took your more porn comment really seriously and I realise I'm getting in the way of that, so il see you around (hopefully not) enjoy all that spare porn time now......wanker lol.

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