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DH can only orgasm by masturbating

57 replies

Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 08:28

Hello, I am a long term poster but have NC for this. My DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. We have never had "normal" sexual intercourse as he is only able to get a soft erection, and any attempts at penetration have miserably failed, which was embarrassing for both of us. He tells me it was the same in his last relationship, and has been for about 10 years, following an incident when he slept with a woman who had some sort of panic attack while they were having sex. On the meantime he has developed high blood pressure and is on medication, which is obviously making it worse, so I think there is a combination of physical and psychological reasons.

When he was single, he was using porn a lot, and now can basically only cum if he is lying on his back and masturbating. He says he does this the odd time, maybe once a month or so. We have tried everything - the injections were painful for him and Viagra just didn't work. I have tried giving him oral sex, but he always ends up having to "take over" with his hand. He can't orgasm if I'm down at that end, I have to be kissing his neck. He is very attentive to me, and will happily get be me oral sex, but I'm just finding the whole thing humiliating blow and my sex drive has nose dived.

He is a wonderful partner in every other way, and I couldn't imagine life without him now. But our pathetic "sex life" is making me feel broken, and sometimes I crave normal sex with someone else. I don't think I would ever act on this, I do have an old FWB who would probably be happy to oblige, but it's my DH I want to be able to have sex with.

Has anyone had a similar situation and come back from it? Or has it been possible to live like this and come to terms with it? I would be so grateful for any opinions, thank you.

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 09/07/2017 09:45

Are you saying that he takes viagra but still can't get an erection ?

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SaltySeaDog72 · 09/07/2017 10:51

No experience but it sounds deep rooted and complex with porn/psychological and physical issues. I would say professional help would be needed.. and a lot of motivation on his part - how much do you feel it means to him? How much have you discussed this? If it's equally important to both of you then I think you can work on it. But if it's a bigger issue for you than him then I think your relationship is in trouble. I think the only way forward is to really talk this out with him.

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PaperdollCartoon · 09/07/2017 10:54

Poor you. I've had different but equally frustrating issues with DP and sex, so I know how awful it feels.
When you say viagra didn't work, did it really not work at all? Have you/he tried sex therapy? If it's psychological that might be best next option?

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Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 11:08

Thanks everyone. The Viagra didn't seem to work at all, he's tried it 4 separate times which makes me think it's more psychological than physical.

The objection (Caverject) did work better - just enough for penetration however it didn't last long and he felt that even if it did, he wouldn't have been able to achieve orgasm. He also found it very painful which ruined the mood a bit.

I think a huge part of the problem is that he has become used to only being able to cum when using his own tight fisted grip. And this, coupled with his low sex drive and difficulty getting an erection basically makes it a disaster.

It definitely matters to me more than him, but I haven't told him how much this is affecting me. I think he would be willing to get professional help, but I would probably have to instigate this, as he'd be doing it for me rather than for his own needs.

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Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 11:08

*injection not objection

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Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 11:10

I think I'll have to talk to him more about it. I tried to surprise him this morning by waking him up and performing oral sex, which ended with him "taking over with his hand" and he lying there miserably. Now I'm upstairs and can't face him, and he hasn't a clue why.

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/07/2017 11:13

First off I think you need to get rid of the 'everyone else is having normal sex' thoughts.

There's loads of ways to have sex.

Can you not start by a combination of oral then finishing him off with your hand?

Therapy might work.

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Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 11:18

I am imaging everyone is having normal sex, but yes I know what you mean, it's probably more common than I realise!

I have tried using my hand, but it's only his own grip that works for him, which I'm finding humiliating. Though he did tell me it was the same with his ex, and she used to get very upset (understandably IMO) and she thought it was that he didn't find her attractive (she was very attractive).

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/07/2017 11:21

I have tried using my hand, but it's only his own grip that works for him, which I'm finding humiliating

Many women can only come with their own hand or vibrators. I think you're in danger of making sex all about you and how you feel rather than exploring and enjoying what works for both of you. It does sound like he's been very open about it.

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ohlittlepea · 09/07/2017 11:23

Its a really common phenomenon of recent times especially in young men addicted to internet porn...often its a problem from very frequent masturbating. Theres therapy out there if hes willing to engage in that kind of thing?

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Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 11:23

He has been very open, in fairness to him, and I see what you mean, I don't want to make it worse for him by showing that I'm upset or making a big deal out of it. I'm just finding it frustrating basically watching him masturbate and facing a lifetime of never having intercourse again Sad

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/07/2017 11:25

I think of a man posted and said " I can't make my wife orgasm,I find it humiliating and upsetting" it would be seen as making the issue worse and putting to much pressure on her.

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/07/2017 11:25

Sorry ,x posted

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Bluntness100 · 09/07/2017 11:30

Sweetie, is he gay? He can get an erection and maintain one through to finishing. He just can't when it involves penetrating a woman. Is that right? Neither you or his previous partner he could get hard enough to penetrate, but if left to his own devices it works just fine?

I think there is something else going on here, I suspect he's gay.

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Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 11:31

I think you're right, and I don't want to upset him, he is wonderful in every other way. I can usually put it to the back of my mind, I suppose it was this morning, that flared my feelings up again. It was the first time since February either of us had tried to initiate any sexual contact. I could probably come to terms with it, but it's difficult sometimes realising that I'm still in my 30's and might never have intercourse again.

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/07/2017 11:33

How old is he? For some reason I thought you were both much older.

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Bluntness100 · 09/07/2017 11:35

Op, I'd also add that for viagra to work the man needs to be turned on. If it didn't work in this context , he wasn't turned on. As such it's just reinforcing the fact he may be homosexual and firmly in the closet.

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Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 11:35

I have wondered that too Bluntness, and did ask him before. I suppose he would say no anyway.

A lot of his female friends joke that he is like their "gay best friend." I'm not really into stereotyping but he is very good at giving advice to women about relationships, fashion etc. They often turn to him with relationship problems. Sorry this sounds all wrong am I'm not trying to typecast gay men Sad

I did ask him about what sort of porn he watches and he prefers to watch lesbian type porn. Obviously this is just from what he tells me as I wouldn't dream of checking his browser history.

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Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 11:35

I'm 37 and he is 43

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SaltySeaDog72 · 09/07/2017 12:07

First time since February you have tried anything sexual with him? Oh no. That's sad, there's a world of pleasure and you are going without. Do you want a lifetime of this? You're so young. He sounds sort of asexual. Does he get turned on by your pleasure?

I think you are fundamentally mis-matched here and it may really ruin your self esteem. Do you plan to have children?

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/07/2017 12:18

Sounds like there's really issues OP especially the possibility he might be gay. I think you need to ask him straight out and watch his reaction.

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Bluntness100 · 09/07/2017 12:27

It's interesting he said he watched gay porn, but female , I suspect maybe he told you a half truth, it is gay porn. But...he's protesting too much, he doesn't want you to think he looks at aroused men in any way at all, so won't even say he watches straight porn in case you suspect, because in straight porn there is an aroused man. So he says lesbian or remove all suspicion.

Sorry op, I think based on what you're saying about him he is gay and he's never ever going to admit it. He's not got an erection problem, he can get maintain and finish. He just can't do it with a woman and never has been able to.

Listen to your instincts. You're already wondering it too. The question now is are you happy to stay in a charade like this if everything else is fine? You're his beard, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I'd guess his previous partner also suspected he was gay or knew it deep down.

I think years of being with someone who simply doesn't find you sexually attractive because you're the wrong gender could be damaging to you. Either from self esteem or lead to affairs. He's not going to admit it, it won't change, so what do you want to do,,,,?

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Joffmognum · 09/07/2017 12:41

I can only orgasm by masturbating. I really enjoy sex but have to either wank before or after my partner orgasms. And I've never watched porn so i wouldn't necessarily blame that.

Let your husband know how much you'd like to have pejorative sex with him and see professional help if he's okay with it, but please don't pressure him. He can't help it and making him feel bad won't help at all.

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Joffmognum · 09/07/2017 12:44

Could you experiment with a dildo or vibrator? That he holds so it's "him"? It's not ideal but lesbians manage it. Maybe find a vibrator you like and show him how to use it. Also, can he still orgasm if your hand is the one masturbating him? That seems like it would be nicer for him.

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Joffmognum · 09/07/2017 12:46

I've mentioned this to my boyfriend and he says he knows a couple with a similar problem and what helped them was him using lube to masturbate as a stepping stone. Feels a bit more realistic and breaks the dry tight grip reliance.

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