DH can only orgasm by masturbating

[Forestfruits13]

Hello, I am a long term poster but have NC for this. My DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. We have never had "normal" sexual intercourse as he is only able to get a soft erection, and any attempts at penetration have miserably failed, which was embarrassing for both of us. He tells me it was the same in his last relationship, and has been for about 10 years, following an incident when he slept with a woman who had some sort of panic attack while they were having sex. On the meantime he has developed high blood pressure and is on medication, which is obviously making it worse, so I think there is a combination of physical and psychological reasons.

When he was single, he was using porn a lot, and now can basically only cum if he is lying on his back and masturbating. He says he does this the odd time, maybe once a month or so. We have tried everything - the injections were painful for him and Viagra just didn't work. I have tried giving him oral sex, but he always ends up having to "take over" with his hand. He can't orgasm if I'm down at that end, I have to be kissing his neck. He is very attentive to me, and will happily get be me oral sex, but I'm just finding the whole thing humiliating blow and my sex drive has nose dived.

He is a wonderful partner in every other way, and I couldn't imagine life without him now. But our pathetic "sex life" is making me feel broken, and sometimes I crave normal sex with someone else. I don't think I would ever act on this, I do have an old FWB who would probably be happy to oblige, but it's my DH I want to be able to have sex with.

Has anyone had a similar situation and come back from it? Or has it been possible to live like this and come to terms with it? I would be so grateful for any opinions, thank you.

He's 43, has high blood pressure, viagra doesn't work and he only ejaculates about once a month.

Having been in a not too dissimilar position, it sounds to me like a physical problem. In my case, admittedly in my 50s rather than 40s, my testicles basically stopped working. There is no cure as such but a combination of testosterone injections and some viagra have given an effective solution.

Erectile problems are still poorly understood both generally and in my experience by quite a lot of GPs and I did the psychosexual counselling bit to no result before I was able to identify my physical problems, and then had to lean hard on GPs to get the necessary referral.

The other thing that I have had personal bad experience of is SSRI anti-depressants. They can have a very severe effect on the ability to ejaculate and, again for me, that lasted for a number of years after I had finished taking them.

I would recommend that he seeks a blood test for his testosterone levels. The level needs to be at least 12 - some labs will class lower levels as 'normal', but this is an outdated view. If the level is under 12 he should seek referral to an appropriate endocrinologist who specialises in male problems.

At last Talbot someone else talking sense.

Without wanting to be to crass, when he wakes up in the morning does he have a hardon?

If so, the problem is probably psychological. If not, it's probably physical.

Get him to a psychiatrist and see what they think.

I think of a man posted and said " I can't make my wife orgasm,I find it humiliating and upsetting" it would be seen as making the issue worse and putting to much pressure on her.

Maybe. But if he said she watched so much porn she can only get aroused with her vibrator.. people might feel differently.

He doesn't even get a full erection

People should stop dismissing this and saying it's the same as a woman not orgasming from her partner

It's actually the same as a woman basically not getting wet from a partner, and yes, I'd expect her husband to feel crap as well.

Op you only have his word that he wants once a month. I'd be checking his browser history beating in mind he might use private browsers or delete his history (probably does). I wonder if he's actually masterbating loads and porn addicted

As a woman, sometimes I'm disgusted by the anti-men feelings that are expressed on MN.

Who is anti men?