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Original poster

DH can only orgasm by masturbating

57 replies

Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 08:28

Hello, I am a long term poster but have NC for this. My DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. We have never had "normal" sexual intercourse as he is only able to get a soft erection, and any attempts at penetration have miserably failed, which was embarrassing for both of us. He tells me it was the same in his last relationship, and has been for about 10 years, following an incident when he slept with a woman who had some sort of panic attack while they were having sex. On the meantime he has developed high blood pressure and is on medication, which is obviously making it worse, so I think there is a combination of physical and psychological reasons.

When he was single, he was using porn a lot, and now can basically only cum if he is lying on his back and masturbating. He says he does this the odd time, maybe once a month or so. We have tried everything - the injections were painful for him and Viagra just didn't work. I have tried giving him oral sex, but he always ends up having to "take over" with his hand. He can't orgasm if I'm down at that end, I have to be kissing his neck. He is very attentive to me, and will happily get be me oral sex, but I'm just finding the whole thing humiliating blow and my sex drive has nose dived.

He is a wonderful partner in every other way, and I couldn't imagine life without him now. But our pathetic "sex life" is making me feel broken, and sometimes I crave normal sex with someone else. I don't think I would ever act on this, I do have an old FWB who would probably be happy to oblige, but it's my DH I want to be able to have sex with.

Has anyone had a similar situation and come back from it? Or has it been possible to live like this and come to terms with it? I would be so grateful for any opinions, thank you.

OP posts:
Joffmognum · 09/07/2017 12:49

Of course this all goes out the window if he is actually gay

SaltySeaDog72 · 09/07/2017 12:50

Perhaps there's another half truth - maybe he was the one who had the panic attack ten years ago during sex with a woman.

Original poster
Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 13:00

Thanks everyone. I will need to talk to him, though will need to find the right time, probably the next time we both have a day off together and my DS isn't around.

I have a DS from a previous relationship. DH and I did previously consider having a baby and he was very willing for us to try home artificial insemination or IVF but we decided against it, for other reasons.

He can currently only orgasm if it's his own hands, and not with me doing it for him. Thanks Joff though I will suggest he tries that.

My instinct tells me he isn't gay, I can't know for sure, and I couldn't bring mys of to snoop through his browsing history, that would be awful. He leaves his laptop and phone around a lot and makes no attempt to hide them but I would hate to snoop. I will ask him outright, but when the time is right.

He says that in the past he was able to have intercourse with women, but says he hasn't much experience e.g. lost virginity in his 20's, and says he has never wanted to try anything different, e.g. He has never done it doggy style (I hate that phrase) or had anal, and said in the past he wouldn't want to try it (I was willing to, if he wanted)

OP posts:
ChewingGumIsNice · 09/07/2017 13:58

"I think of a man posted and said " I can't make my wife orgasm,I find it humiliating and upsetting" it would be seen as making the issue worse and putting to much pressure on her."
That isn't the same thing because lots of women can't reach orgasm with a partner but they (and their partner) can still enjoy lots of penis-in-vagina sex. But in this situation the OP is not able to have PIV sex, which she wants. Also women's bodies are all so different from each other and we all reach orgasm in different ways so it's a fairly common situation for a man to find it difficult to make a woman orgasm but it's less common this way round. There's also the issue of what will happen if they want to TTC (which doesn't apply if it's the woman who can't orgasm from sex).
Sorry, i haven't got any useful advice but i just wanted to point that out because i really feel for the OP and i felt like comparisons with women not being able to orgasm was minimising her problem.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/07/2017 14:01

Conceiving isn't an issue,lots of people manage without PIV sex but it does seem there's quite a lot of issues going on here.

fempsych · 09/07/2017 14:10

I wonder if he would see a psychosexual counsellor with you? They are so experience in this area and could work with whatever the issue/s is/are for both of you. Look up accredited counsellors on the cosrt site.

Ropsleybunny · 09/07/2017 14:19

Physical problems such as high blood pressure and the medication, can affect erections. The man cannot help it, it's just one of those things.

It sounds to me like he's being loving and caring and you are being totally self-centred.

I'm just finding the whole thing humiliating blow and my sex drive has nose dived

Why? I think you need to get over yourself and live in the real world. As we all get older our bodies change. You're expecting the impossible, unless you take a 20 something lover.

Zoflorabore · 09/07/2017 14:23

Ropsley- he can get erections though, just not with op.
That puts quite a different spin on things imo.

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2017 14:27

You're expecting the impossible, unless you take a 20 something lover

What? It's totally normal to have penetrative sex with your partner in your thirties and forties, why would it be impossible. Why do you think this is the real world? It's not. And hes basically never been in a proper sexual relationship with a woman it sounds like.

Op, snooping is awful yes, so is lying to a partner about your sexuality. I'd snoop. Id want to know if th answer was there.

Are you maybe concerned about what you would find?

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2017 14:38

I might be over invested in this one, but if I read you correctly. You've never had sex with him, and even when he does himself, it has to be so he literally can't see you ( you need to kiss his neck so thus literally out of his sight).

Honestly, something isn't right here. This isn't just death grip op. This is something much deeper and it's not you, because it sounds like he is like this with any woman and always has been. It's also not the medication because the issue predates it. There is no physical issues, his penis works just fine, and you know from the viagra experiment he isn't turned on with your involvement.

Either he's got a major kink or he's gay. Whatever turns him on isn't female.

Tricuspid · 09/07/2017 14:56

(A man here) I don't think you should feel humiliated at all, you're doing a great job of being a loving and supportive partner, which is a solid basis for a sexual relationship.

He lost his virginity late and isn't interested in anything 'different'. I don't think he's gay, but he has deep seated issues around sex, maybe going back to his youth. He doesn't seem hung up about masturbating / coming with you watching. Have you tried watching porn with him? If that doesn't work counselling might be the way to go.

Original poster
Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 15:10

Ropsley - you honestly think I'm self centred for finding it difficult to come to terms with being 37 and never having sexual intercourse for the rest of my life? Really?

OP posts:
Original poster
Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 15:11

And thank you to everyone else for the replies, I really do appreciate all of your advice

OP posts:
Ropsleybunny · 09/07/2017 15:58

Ropsley - you honestly think I'm self centred for finding it difficult to come to terms with being 37 and never having sexual intercourse for the rest of my life? Really?

I read in your post that your DH has high blood pressure and takes medication. Both these things can interfere with getting, or maintaining an erection.

I think you perhaps need to get more advice about the impact these things can have on the physical performance of a man, rather than taking my word for it.

If you love him and he's the perfect husband, then yes you need to think about coming to terms with being 37 and never having sexual intercourse for the rest of your life?

Original poster
Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 16:03

Ropsley - I'm not going toget into an argument but if you read my OP you'll see that he had difficulties having sex before he developed high blood pressure or commenced medication. And also that he is able to masturbate normally himself, just when I'm not touching him or in his line of vision.

OP posts:
Original poster
Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 16:05

And I do love him and want to stay with him - I got married knowing about these problems after all. However it's not easy just coming to terms with it, hence asking for advice on here. Lots of other posters have send me private messages saying that they have struggled too, so presumably I'm not alone in feeling like this.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname85 · 09/07/2017 16:09

This isn't a "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" situ, it sounds like OP's partner has been hiding something from her.

Either it's not untoward in that maybe he did have unfortunate sexual experiences - maybe he does have deep seated issues with sex. In which case he does need to be honest and they need to seek counselling (sounds like OP is keen). It does feel like rejection and inadequacy to not be able to please someone like that. Generally speaking men are easier to please and it does hurt to not have the sexual relationship you'd like.

I'm 50/50 on that or Bluntness' posts. Yes it's a cliche but some people only realise their sexual preferences later in life. She might be totally spot on about the panic attack being his, and him watching gay porn (male). This isn't meant to be goading or sensationalist, sometimes it just happens this way Flowers

justkeeponsmiling · 09/07/2017 16:10

I agree that he has major issues of some sort. I think you need to try and talk about this with him OP and try to give him the opportunity to come clean about whatever they may be. If he refuses to take this opportunity then I think it will be up to you to decide what to do - I am your ahe and no way would I stay in a marriage that would not allow me to have a fulfilling sex life and a partner who refused to work on any problems in this area.
Sorry you are going through this, it sounds very, very difficult.

Ropsleybunny · 09/07/2017 16:14

Sexual counselling then?

Original poster
Forestfruits13 · 09/07/2017 16:16

Thanks, I will bring this up with him gently and see if he would be willing to see a psychosexual counsellor - I'm pretty sure he would but I don't want to push him into it.

OP posts:
Avacadoinjury · 09/07/2017 16:16

I would totally check his browsing history, but I don't think you want to in case you have to face something you don't want to find.

lemonzest123 · 09/07/2017 16:22

Surprised people have jumped straight to gay on the first page Confused I can only cum if I do it myself too.

GoldenOrb · 09/07/2017 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ropsleybunny · 09/07/2017 19:40

Erectile dysfunction is affected by high blood pressure and medication. Dysfunction can mean being able to get an erection but unable to keep it, or it can mean a soft erection and being able to ejaculate, or it can be an inability to ejaculate and so it goes on. Physical health is also linked to mental health so if a man has suffered problems with performance at any time, it can affect how his body works in the future.

It's impossible to say: If he can get an erection fine and can ejaculate, then there is nothing "physically" wrong.

It could be that the OP's partner has had undiagnosed high BP in the past, which has affected him. The other thing that can cause problems is vascular disease which affects blood vessels. They lower blood flow to organs such as the heart, brain, and kidneys. If they cut blood flow to the penis, they can cause erectile dysfunction.

Other causes of erectile dysfunction include:

diabetes
hyperlipidemia
damage from cancer or surgery
injuries
obesity or being overweight
increased age
stress
anxiety
relationship problems
drug use
alcohol use
smoking

BartholinsSister · 09/07/2017 20:13

You'd think high blood pressure would make it bigger, and harder.

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