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Please help with something I've done

55 replies

Ashamed86 · 21/05/2017 17:47


I honestly don't know what to do and if this is the right place to be posting but something pretty awful happened today and I'm feeling very ashamed and completely disturbed, as I should be tbh Sad.

First of all I should say that I do watch porn and I like quite rough sex/ submissive scenarios. I'm female. I know a lot of people would disagree with porn and those particular fantasies and I'm starting to think maybe I agree, particularly after today.

Anyway what happened is that I accidentally watched something I really really shouldn't have. I won't go into any details, it didn't involve children or animals or anything but basically it turned out towards the end to not be what I'd thought at all. In a very disturbing way.

I feel shellshocked tbh and like the worst person ever for having viewed it, it did not turn me on in any way and I would never ever seek that out but I feel complicit in something awful and just totally ashamed. I don't know what to do. I can't really quite believe it. Apart from the fact that it's forever in my internet browsing history which is worrying in a different sense, I just don't feel I can process this alone but I can't talk to anyone either. Can anyone please help or advise?

OP posts:
dementedma · 21/05/2017 17:50

Delete your browsing history.
You have done nothing wrong in watching something that wasn't what you expected it to be. You will get some nasty comments from people I'm afraid, because you watch porn. I don't know what to suggest to make you feel better though unless there are counsellors who deal with this sort of stuff?

Alwayshungryforcrisps · 21/05/2017 17:50

I think you need to be more specific, otherwise how can anyone help? Sad

professorvape · 21/05/2017 17:50

Ok, deep breath. First thing's first: is it illegal? Could there be any legal ramifications?

pizzakat · 21/05/2017 17:52

What site was it on? You can always report anything you're not happy with and it'll be reviewed and hopefully removed. Try not to worry, you haven't done anything wrong and it's easy enough to stumble across weird stuff on porn sites

Hemlock2013 · 21/05/2017 17:52

Is it the sort of thing you need to report?

elephantscansing · 21/05/2017 17:53

Is it illegal? Did someone die? Should you report it to the police? Or you could try

Isadora2007 · 21/05/2017 17:54

Do you think it was illegal? Or has someone been assaulted in it?

I'm wonder as you said you felt complicit.

If so...that must be awful for you and for the person involved in not sure how to process it better- other than you viewing it doesn't make it happen so you haven't contributed to it.

Perhaps ensure porn you access in future is sourced safely? Is that possible?

I hope you feel a little less shocked now. Flowers

professorvape · 21/05/2017 17:54

You'll forget, in time. You've not done anything explicitly wrong, you didn't seek it out knowing what it was. Be nice to yourself, distract yourself from the memory of it and give yourself time. Think 'in a year's time, will I feel this bad?'. You won't. If after a week or two you're still feeling wretched, maybe look into getting a couple of counselling sessions.

Ashamed86 · 21/05/2017 17:54

I guess maybe it is something I should report. I really don't want to give details, it's too horrible but you can probably look at the things I've said and draw a reasonably accurate conclusion. Taking into account that the internet has some pretty weird and dark shit Sad.

OP posts:
professorvape · 21/05/2017 17:56

If you think it may fall into legal dubiousness, you could report it to the police. At least a then something positive may come from the 'darkness' as it were. Defo report it to the site if it's not in line with what you usually watch / read on there. Don't be hard on yourself.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 21/05/2017 17:58

You carry on nicely providing a market for rough sex/submissive sex porn, honey, clearly there are no repercussions for people in it or wider society at all, no, no, no.

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2017 17:58

Was it a snuff movie? Or something where someone got badly hurt? If that's the case report it.

AdalindSchade · 21/05/2017 18:05

Sadly most abuse porn is not truly consensual anyway so when you watch a woman getting choked or urinated on you're already watching a woman getting abused. If that's your fantasy then that's up to you, but by consuming that kind of porn you are contributing to a market which is just a hop and a step away from filmed torture, rape and murder.
There is loads of user generated content on fetlife or written erotica that doesn't hurt anyone.
It's probably not a bad thing for your own sake that you've been disturbed because you can't shut your eyes to the realty of what you're consuming any more.
If you believe you witnessed a crime on film you really must report it. You will not get in trouble for passing it to the police (unless the site was something which made it obvious what was on there)

AdalindSchade · 21/05/2017 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ashamed86 · 21/05/2017 18:07

Histinyhands, a lot of people are turned on by that type of sex and as long as it is fully consensual and safe I don't think your point is fair. Plenty of people watch e.g. crime dramas with disturbing content, that's not encouraging people to commit murder.

I understand many people do have a problem with the porn industry however and I don't want to be flippant about that but I believe there is good and bad there, you can't just lump it all in together and you won't get very far trying to do that as humans will always be fascinated by sexual material of various types.

Having said that I'm going to be very very careful about the nature of anything I click on in future.

Thank you for the link further up. I've reported the video I saw.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 21/05/2017 18:10

If someone was genuinely hurt i think you should report but don't be hard on yourself. I used to watch porn and was submissive myself so i used to watch those type of clips but all to often I'd stumble across sone really horrible atuff and it put me right off.

The issue is, there are plenty of women who enjoy this sort of thing and will be involved consensually and happily but you can't tell if they are consenting or not (that counts for all porn) so i made the decision that i just wont watch it.

Ashamed86 · 21/05/2017 18:12

AdalindSchade you may be right. It's something I will think seriously about. I guess because it's something that I get turned on by myself and happily consent to with the right partner, I tend to assume the same of porn actors who take part in these kinds of films.

OP posts:
adlertippa · 21/05/2017 18:15

Have you tried sites like You pay for content but all scenes feature the participants establishing boundaries beforehand and debriefing afterwards.

Ashamed86 · 21/05/2017 18:17

I think I will go the same way TheOriginal. You just can't really know what's going on in these videos. It really has given me a shock and maybe that's a good thing. I still believe there are, if you like, 'reputable' porn makers who do make sure their actors are happy with what's happening, safe etc and that there are people who are happy to do that for a living but I realise many people who disagree even with that. And I never want to think I might be watching something that genuinely is abusive or traumatic.

I feel so so sick about what I saw. Sorry I haven't 100% said what it was but I'm not sure that would be appropriate actually. It's reported now.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 21/05/2017 18:25

There are probably specialist fetish porn companies who get the 'top' fetish actors who have the power to veto things they don't want to do and who get properly paid for their work.
However a vast quantity of porn is made using coercion and financial abuse, with women who have very little agency about what they do and whose physical (not to mention emotional) health is wrecked after a few short years in the industry.
Just because people tell you abuse porn is 'fake' and 'staged' doesn't mean it's true. And just because a woman has agreed to film a scene doesn't mean she's truly consenting.

Ashamed86 · 21/05/2017 18:30

I'm sure you're probably right Adalind. However without wanting to sound naive, or goady, how do you know that about porn? I know there is information out there probably but there are also people who are just against porn on principle and I just wonder if there is a bias in how it's reported on? I know one person who does porn and is very open about it and perfectly happy. I realise that's anecdotal but I tend to think it's not all as negative as it's made out to be.

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 21/05/2017 18:30

You've been given good advice about reporting OP, for the future, have you considered reading erotica instead? No ethical worries there so you can really relax and get into it.


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TheoriginalLEM · 21/05/2017 18:33

Yes - read The Story of O and another book called Gordon (actually very sad and beautifully written)

AdalindSchade · 21/05/2017 18:40

I read a lot of first person accounts, and watch documentaries. I tend to believe the accounts of women who have survived the porn industry tbh

AnyFucker · 21/05/2017 18:44

Porn consumer views something shocking

Hold the front page

Oh, and cry me a fucking river

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